I AM

Posted on January 15, 2018 by hafong

A very cold start to the day. The door knob to the back door was frozen. It wouldn’t turn. Lucky we had electricity for the hairdryer to thaw it out. A few weeks ago, the lock was frozen. The key wouldn’t turn. Lucky the front door wasn’t that way, too. Sheba and I would be shit out of luck and be left in the cold after our walk. Oh yes, I forget. There’s the garage. It has an electric space heater. We have options.

I should not be so hard on myself for my moodiness. Nature can be a cruel mood leveler. I found out that I wasn’t the only one that skipped out on aerobics Friday. Only 4 people showed. I did showed up today as well as our instructor. What a gal! She just had carpal tunnel surgery this morning, too. That’s way beyond the call of dedication and duty. But it was good for me. I needed someone to pump me up. And just her presence can do it.

I wasn’t really quite with the program. I certainly was not on fire. But I moved and did worked up a sweat. I felt my lethargy changed. My mood moved up a notch. Then I sensed a feeling of empowerment flowing through my being. Somewhere in my brain, a speck of cognition got lit. I felt lighter. Some of the heaviness lifted. I can really move my body. I picked up my feet and threw my arms up in the air. I recognized my depression comes from feeling helplessn, a sense of powerlessness, of no control.

But I did not feel powerless in that moment. I was in charge. I was running, pumping my arms and breathing easy. I do have control. I have choices of how to be. I do not have to be weak and maudlin. Neither do I have to be bossy, mean or unkind. I do not have to be depressed or sad. I can choose. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

LIKE THE LIONS

Posted on January 14, 2018 by hafong

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.

I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.

I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.

But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?

SLEEP AND DEPRESSION

Posted on September 3, 2017 by hafong

I’m feeling much better this morning after a good night of sleep. I was feeling a bit blue yesterday. And why not? I had been mostly sleepless most of the night before. I had lived that way, mostly on 4-5 hours of sleep most of my working life as a nurse. I prided myself on how well I did on how little I slept. I was foolish. I did not think about the consequences of sleep deprivation. I do now. I am reminded each time I am sleepless.

I felt the beginning of a sore throat on waking. Oh-oh! I hope I am not getting sick. It went away after getting up, washing face and brushing my teeth. I remind myself to drink lots of fluids. I remind myself not to push for ‘accomplishments’ and speed. I have no ‘job’ and ‘boss’ to answer to. I can take it easy and take care of myself.

The sun is playing hide and seek, more hide than the other. It peeks out as I’m tapping. Then it disappears. I feel shadows creeping into my body. I feel them and let them be. The day can be full of tricks. I’ve been here before. The September I went to China, it was cloudy everywhere. In China it was because of the pollution and smog. Back home it was how the weather was. It stayed dark through all of autumn. It was my most troublesome time with sleep and depression. I invested in a Remington daylight simulating clock . It’s much like the clock from hammacher.com. I went to sleep to the sound of gentle ocean waves and the lighting of the setting sun. I woke to birds chirping and the rising sun. I did not use the aromatherapy bead option. It worked well for me. I used it for a few years.

At the time I did not link my depression and sleeping patterns to my profession. I mostly blamed it on myself. But I also sought treatment and did research on depression and seasonal affective disorder -SAD. I attended workshops given by Dept. of Psychology, University of Saskatchewan. I was assessed for light therapy at the clinic in the hospital. I bought a light box. It was effective. I took up swimming. Then I renovated the house, putting in bigger windows and adding a sunroom. It was well worth the cost.

I’m looking back as I sit, tap tapping here. It has been very difficult, all of it. But I have to say that all of it have enriched me also. I had to reach out and into myself for solutions, to make a liveable and meanful life. I could not just sit and be overwhelmed and depressed by it all. There was always something for me to work on. I don’t think of them as problems but rather solutions. What’s working for me today? So many things -gardening, writing, painting, drawing, aerobics, learning a new interest, conversations. Life is always a wondrous thing.

What works for you?

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

Posted on September 1, 2017 by hafong

I hate this time of the day. It’s no lie. Lunch is over and the cleanup done. I’m left with this down in my boots feeling. How to rise again. I really could use Wonder Woman’s boots. Better yet, I wish I am her. I could be doing wonders instead of sitting at keyboard, trying with nothing coming. No ideas, no songs, nothing important to say. Maybe I can sit and rest awhile. Is there a need for idle chatter? Can we just sit together, breathe and be? Wait, I’m going to make a cup of tea.

I’m back with my tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I damp mopped the kitchen floor. It led to most of the floors. I’m training myself to use moments to pick up, mop up and whatever-else. The I-will-do-it-later/tomorrow sometimes never happens. Then I will have to spend a difficult whole day digging out of the piles and messes. I try not to tell myself that do-it-later lie any more. Let’s see how I do.

I am thinking of another lie we say a lot. You are not getting older. You’re getting better. I don’t think it would make the older person feel any better. I don’t tell anyone that. I’m thinking of my mother. I had tea with her yesterday. I don’t think she would say she is getting better when she is losing physical strength and stamina. What she does say is that she is not useful anymore. It is how she feels and I am not one to disregard her feelings. I just listen. I try to help her maximize what she has. Of course, my mother is smarter than me and tells me so. She doesn’t need much help from me. She uses her brain to compensate for her deteriorating physical health. She is still doing awesome. I sit and listen to her. That’s my biggest help.

I don’t believe that I can overcome depression forever either. That’s another lie I will not tell myself anymore. Being human is being susceptible to all those emotions in the flux of life. How can I not feel bad when bad things happen? Conversely, how can I be sad when good things happen? Some of us are luckier than others, having cheerier and easier dispositions. I am not one of them. I have been in dark places, on medication and on the couch. It is not where I am now. Learning and understanding my nature and life experience have been the key. And equally, so is exercise. I remind myself that I am not a robot. I feel. I screw up sometimes. Life is not perfect. I am allowed to be depress from time to time.

How about you? How are you doing and what lies do you tell yourself?

REST – Day 16 in a year of….

Posted on August 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 16, August 7, 2016@6:19

I am running a little later today. My doing different today is listening to the whispers of my body. I am feeling the fatigue of the fast approaching autumn and shorter days. So used to doing, doing, doing it is hard to stop. But then it is equally difficult to keep going. So I stopped and napped, letting go of everything for that time.

Now, I’m here in this space, tap, tapping out my words for the day. The rice is cooked. I’m waiting for the beans to casserole. Everything always takes longer than they say. Ah, it’s okay. I got the wine, the keyboard and pesky Sheba to keep me company. I wish dogs could bark in English. It’s hard to decipher one bark from another. I suppose she wants her afternoon walk. Maybe a few ear rubs will suffice. Change is good for dogs, too.

It was serendipitous that this morning I sat on the mindfulness for depression episode of the Mindfulness Summit 2015. I paid heed as I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been lucky these last few years that I have not felt the severe symptoms of the past. I thank Melli O’Brien and Ruby Wax for their contribution to the mindfulness movement.

My beans are calling me. I must do the easy and simple and go. Till tomorrow.

I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

Posted on March 30, 2015 by hafong

Just when I think I have a handle on things, dare to relax and let go, life – that perennial jokester, shows herself again. I shake my head. What makes me think that there is smooth sailing into the sunset from now till eternity? It’s an illusion, happening only in movies. I know that, but still I hold onto that dream of Utopia. I am a little blue and sleep deprived. Sheba has had a little relapse with her anxiety yesterday.

We were too happy too soon with her recovery the other day. I thought it was behind us. But nothing is ever that easy. ~~We all~~ I know all that. How many times have I been sure that I will never be afraid again and I will never feel depressed again? And time after time I have been wrong. It is the cycle of everything. What goes up, must come down. There’s the good times. There’s the hard times. Otherwise life would be stagnant. The Universe would be a huge yawn. Do I really want a Utopia?

So Sheba is going through a rough period again. I take a deep breath. What do you do when your child is afraid? You can’t abandon her or tell her to snap out of it. You hold and love her. And so we put on her Thunder Shirt. It helps with the shaking. We stand over her while she eats. She looks over her shoulder with every bite, checking for the bogeyman. We can’t see or hear him but then we don’t have her senses.

Just when she is able to settle for the night on her mat at the foot of the bed, she is jolted upright by some energy. I don’t know if my imagination was at work or not, but I could feel ‘it’ at the same time – not the same intensity as Sheba but I sensed it all the same. There was no calming her. She would not lay down and she cried softly. How can you go to sleep when your baby is crying.

In the end, I took her out to the living room and we laid down on her big fluffy pillow. It was not big enough for both of us but I made do with three cushions and a couple of blankets. She relaxed and went to sleep. I was able to wiggle myself free and laid on the sofa within her sight. She was happy with that and stayed on her pillow. Surprisingly, I had a restful though short sleep.

Today, she is better though we still did the Thunder Shirt in the afternoon. We still stand guard when she is eating but she is restful tonight, going off to bed by herself. Yoga is good for both of us. She likes my mat. Hope it lasts but no one ever promised me a rose garden for ever and ever.

ANNE, SANDRA, ROBIN AND ME

Posted on September 25, 2014 by hafong

I pay attention to the turning of seasons, the phases of the moon and all things that change. I pay attention to serendipity.

I’ve been talking and writing a lot about Anne Lamott. Her book, Bird by Bird came in the mail yesterday, along with Sandra Ingerman’s Shamanic Journeying. I have great admiration for these women. They speak with authenticity and from a place I recognize.

They both have depression and spoke about Robin William’s suicide. Anne Lamott:

“I know Robin was caught too, in both the arms of God, and of his mother, Laurie.

I knew them both when I was coming up, in Tiburon. He lived three blocks away on Paradise drive. His family had money; ours didn’t. But we were in the same boat–scared, shy, with terrible self esteem and grandiosity. If you have a genetic predisposition towards mental problems and addiction, as Robin and I did, life here feels like you were just left off here one day, with no instruction manual, and no idea of what you were supposed to do; how to fit in; how to find a day’s relief from the anxiety, how to keep your beloved alive; how to stay one step ahead of abyss.”

“This was at theologian Fred Buechner blog today: “It is absolutely crucial, therefore, to keep in constant touch with what is going on in your own life’s story and to pay close attention to what is going on in the stories of others’ lives. If God is present anywhere, it is in those stories that God is present. If God is not present in those stories, then they are scarcely worth telling.”

Live stories worth telling! Stop hitting the snooze button. Try not to squander your life on meaningless, multi-tasking bullshit. I would shake you and me but Robin is shaking us now.”

Sandra Ingerman:

I was deeply saddened to hear the news about Robin Williams death and that he had been dealing with depression.

Dealing with depression has been a life-long journey for me. I am not going to use the word “struggle” as I do believe it has been part of my spiritual journey. It has simply part of my destiny in life.

Learning how to ride the waves of depression and know that the strength of my spirit will get me through has been a life long teaching for me. It is not easy one. But I accept this is part of my path and keeps me in a continual state of compassion for the challenges that people experience on all levels.

My two mantras are: “The strength of my spirit will carry me through.” “The only way out is through.”

I have to add myself to the list of sufferers of depression. I didn’t think of myself having depression for a long, long time. I’ve read a great deal on the topic and anything related to it. I wonder why life is so God damn hard. I work hard at it constantly, trying to unlock that mystery. Maybe I shouldn’t try so hard.

The mystery is what keeps us alive, egging us on to chase rainbow after rainbow. Life is one mystery after another. That is the marvel of it. To come to the end of that mystery would be death. So let me not bemoan my hard life, my little difficulties for they add texture to my otherwise bland existence.

It is true that I have suffered, but now I look back. I see that my life is not a small thing. ~~Despite~~ because of everything I have succeeded in living and I have stories worth the telling.

BRAGGING

Posted on June 29, 2014 by hafong

The rains almost came, the sky heavy with dark clouds. But they receded as the sun competed for attention.

I am trying to write my few words but my own cloud is fighting to be heard. Patiently I sit, waiting for the tug of war to subside. It is not easy. It is not hard. I just have to sit and tap out one word at a time. I do not have to clever. I do not have to be funny. I just have to tell it as it is.

So how is it? When I think it is SO hard to do this and that, I am surprised to find that it isn’t so. When you make a start, one thing follows another. Before you know it, the thing is done. I am proud of myself. You could say I am bragging now. Why not? I have to give myself credit because I know how hard it is when the clouds grab a hold of you.

I used to live in wait – for the shoe to drop. It was a relief when it did and nothing else happened. No disaster. No headless monsters. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let the clouds stay their while.

I do not try to ease my pain. It is painful. My throat is tight and unyielding. My limbs heavy and limp at the same time. Everything hurts, even my eyeballs. Have you ever felt like that? I do not try to call or make dates with friends. No use burdening others and most likely no one will be home.

That has been my experience. No one is home in those times for me. It is more empowering that I be home for myself. So, I put my head down and put one foot in front of the other and MOVE, at whatever speed I can. Life is hard sometimes. You have to give yourself a break and a pat on the back once in awhile. You have to brag ~~once in a while~~, often. Go ahead. Do it.

WE ARE NOT ALONE

Posted on June 10, 2013 by hafong

Sometimes when we are troubled and feeling all alone, it is good to step out of our comfort zone and step into the world. We might see that we are not so different, so alone.

We would see that we all have our fears. We all have dragons to slay, moats to cross and dreams to realize. It is hard to lay oneself open, to be vulnerable, to be afraid. But despite all this, you can still make a move towards where you want to go.

So I have slain one of my many dragons…..fear of falling off my bike. I grabbed it by the throat and that fear is down. But I do know that it can always rise again. I do know that. That is what keeps me humble, my arrogance in check. But for now I can enjoy the ride and share this video of others’ similar experience. I hope that you will enjoy the ride.

ORDER AND PATIENCE

Posted on June 9, 2013 by hafong

It is six o’clock in the morning. The sun is out and shining bright. Sheba is fed, watered and satisfied. The world is still quiet. There is order and I am learning to be patient. Nothing is permanent. Everything passes. That is the nature of the universe.

I shall not be afraid of the universe. I shall not be afraid of my own nature. There is reason. There is order. I shall go forth to greet all there is and learn from the experience. Rumi’s Guest House is my favourite poem and it says it all.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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