DAY 8 UBC – I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

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I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Not every morning, day and anything are equal. I wouldn’t want it to be, would you? Where would the challenge be then? It would be like Bill Murray waking up to the same day, every day in Groundhog Day. A person could go bonkers! Change is good for us. Having said that, it doesn’t stop me wishing for the comfort of the endless sun shiny days. It’s our human default mode. We hate change. We hate discomfort and inconvenience. We hate interruption of a good thing.

You might have guessed it. Today is a cloudy and windy morning. We’ve had a light shower. It’s not conducive for productivity or joy. I should amend that. It can and does lead to creativity. Clouds sometimes give us pause make us reach deeper into ourselves. They can be an impetus for writing poetry, making music and other pursuits. I think we call them silver linings. Without clouds where would we get the rain for our rose gardens?

It’s getting towards the end of the day. I’m feeling a bit challenged on finishing this post. The day did not stay cloudy. The afternoon was lovely, warm and filled with sunshine. My persons came for afternoon tea and snacks. I was excused from my duty of ladder holding and fetching bandaids. It was a lovely visit. I am not high maintenance. I need only a person or two, good conversation and caring. I don’t need travel or shopping. I am a happy homebody.

DAY 7 UBC – THEN AND NOW

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Then and Now

Today I can say to myself, You’ve come a long ways, baby. I have. It feels damn good. We have to document these moments, these milestones for prosperity. What better time than during the Ultimate Blog Challenge? It is a beautiful October, full of sunshine, blue skies and autumn leaves. I am filled with good tidings and joy. Not too long ago, I was crying the blues, writing alot about my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and all my woes. I must have sounded like a sad sack.

That is not to say that I will have smooth sailing from now on. Or that I will sound forever like Pollyanna. I could very well and most likely will, fall off the cheerful wheel soon enough. But for now I can luxuriate in my joy bubble bath. That is my theme/goal for this challenge. I want to talk about the good times. I know it has only been 7 days but I can see that setting intentions work. Talking/focusing less of bad vibes brings more good vibes. Less is more.

It is getting on in the evening. We’ve had a busy day putting sidings on the greenhouse. The dishes and shower are calling. Then there’s Grey’s Anatomy and ice cream. It has been a wonderful day spent outdoors, working on our dream project. It is good for my soul soaking up sunshine and looking at the blue sky. I was a helper, ladder holder and bandaid fetcher. In between I raked leaves, sat and sipped tea.

DAY 6 UBC DAYS OFF AND GREY’S ANATOMY

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Days Off and Grey’s Anatomy

This morning I was happy to languish a little and sip on my second cup of tea. It felt like a day off. There’s no swimming or aerobics class to dash off to. Of course every day is a day off now that I am retired from the rat race. Back in the days when I was still slinging bedpans, wiping butts and saving lives, our opening line to each other was: Are you on days off? Did you sleep? Our lives were as insular within hospital walls as those portrayed on Grey’s Anatomy.

When you are right in the middle of it, you don’t see what’s coming. You just live it. You think you will sort it all out – later. I knew enough though not to live it via the small screen, too, while I was still working. Once was enough. So now it is later. It’s a real pleasure to live it again through Netflix. I had forgotten the reason why I had only watched a few beginning episodes. I already had too much real life drama. No need for more. Time/days off was to get away from it all.

Now I see it. Now I see and understand how work had impacted on me. It’s taken 9 seasons of Greys Anatomy for me to see it. I am a slow learner. Hindsight is better than no clue. I can still learn from it. It’s still useful in my present time off. I can see how much alike and different Cristina Yang and I are. We are the yin and the yang. Maybe it’s because we are Asian sisters. We don’t like hugs and being mushy, I can identify with Meredith Grey, too, in that I’m a running commentary. Like Cristina and Meredith, I have my person. And that’s the best thing.

It’s nice to have days off even though I don’t punch a clock any more. It’s when I give myself permission to slack off a bit, sip my cuppa a little slower and just enjoy and not take myself so seriously.

P.s. We watch Grey’s most evenings with ice cream.

DAY 5 UBC – STUMBLING TOWARDS ECSTASY

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Stumbling Towards Ecstasy

A hundred tulip bulbs later, I’m feeling a little bushed. I still have 10 lily bulbs to contend with. They will wait till tomorrow. I will have to remember all this next fall so I won’t have a repeat. In all likelihood I will have forgotten it all by spring. When I see the parade of beautiful tulips in bloom, I will say: I want to get more. And I will gladly do it all over again. As encouragement, a young lady with flaming red hair and wide smile, cycling past on the sidewalk called out. “I love your yard!”

She has ridden by before in the spring when the tulips were in bloom. And she called out just as enthusiastically. It was music to my ears. It brought so much pleasure to my whole being. It reminds me to do the same for others. If I/you see something you appreciate, we should let the person know. It doesn’t cost anything and it could do so much for the other person. Be generous. Be kind. Otherwise be silent. There, that’s another motto.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Mother Theresa. I’m struggling with it all. I complain and bitch about people. I find faults. I’m judgemental, too. I am ashame. I know better. Yet I still stumble and falter. Alas, I’m too human. Sometimes I cannot overcome. I cannot bite my tongue. After, I try not to beat up on myself too much. I already feel the shame and regret. And so I take a moment to let that feeling sink in, to remember it for the future reference. And maybe then I will have fewer and fewer stumbles.

DAY 4 UBC – LET ME NOT WASTE TIME

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Let me not waste time

My goal today is not to waste so much time pondering on things that I do not understand. There are some/many things that my understanding or not adds zilch to my quality of life. It is an addiction and a flaw of mine. I know I cannot possibly put myself into someone else’s head and figure out their mechanics. It is perhaps that impossibility that hooks me. It is a job. It’s that shepna Pema Choedron talks about. It is why weI suffer. I have work ahead of me to do. Today is another first day of the rest of my life.

I have already squandered away part of an hour investigating someone else’s behaviour. It is mine that is in question. I’m the only one that I can control and change. How could I possibly get into another’s head. How can I understand how their mechanics work? How stupid is that when it matters not? The mystery is the hook. The solution is not to bite. So I take a deep breath and let go of the hook. It is not that interesting. It is just a habit of mine, wanting to understand everything, thinking everything has to do with me. It does not. I am not all that powerful.

Onward and forward I march towards my goal. How do I overcome my lassitude? Is it physical or psychological? Does it matter which? I don’t need to figure it out. In the end, it is physical action/movement that will get me there. I’m sticking to what works for me. Regina Brett’s advice, no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up, works for me. It’s what keeps me coming back to the page. Now I have to apply that principle to the rest of the day.

It helps that I can understand my physical and emotional self. I know I have this lassitude. I can while the day away on the couch doing nothing. I wouldn’t feel the better for it. Or I can bite the bullet and bear the discomfort, put in a little effort and rise to the moment. I have done that. So the sheets are changed. The bed is made with fresh linen. The old ones are being laundered and dried. The 2nd pail of concord grapes are washed and draining, to be process later. I have tulip and lily bulbs to be planted. I better do that today while the sun is shining.

It is and it isn’t really hard to unhook myself from unanswerable questions. I just have to ask myself what does it matter knowing or not knowing. How would that change or add anything to my life? That would stop my ponderings, chewings and regurgitating endlessly. There’s a beautiful world out there to enjoy.

DAY 3 UBC – LESS IS BETTER AND MORE

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Less is Better and More

October 3/20

So far, so good. I’m still here. It is only day 3 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge after all. I’ll try to keep it short and simple. There’s more likelihood of keeping the reader here. There’s more chances of me showing up again and again. I was exhausted trying to navigate on this new page yesterday. I like to play by the rules. I like reading the 2 postings above mine. I like the randomness, the chance of meeting a new blogger, different type of writing. I also like to revisit old friends and those who visit me. It’s a fine balance of finding time and energy to do all that.

It’s a fine exercise – assessing my energy levels and my priorities. I’m always pulled every which way. I’ve never given much time in thinking through. I let guilt and sense of obligation dictate what I do. I’m just awakening to the sense of ‘me’ now. What am I all about? I’m taking time to stand back, to be that fly on the wall, to try to see myself in action objectively. Have you done the exercise?

I’m seeing my slate wiped clean today, all my obligations fulfilled. This is another first day of the rest of my life. It is a beautiful though cloudy October day. No frost overnight. There’s still strawberries coming, though ripening ever so slow. My raised beds of greens are still thriving. And our greenhouse is half finished. It is not as big as we had wanted. But small is better. I harvested 2 ice cream pails of Concord grapes yesterday. Guess what I’ll be doing today? I’ve found an excellent site for dealing with them. Hopefully I’ll have some pies, sorbet or jam soon.

Day 2 Ultimate Blog Challenge – The Pleasure of Showing up

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Oct 2/2020

The Pleasure of Showing Up

So here it is, the 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m eager to start my day. I’m ready to put the pedal to the metal and wham! I’m faced with an obstacle, a huge stumbling block. WordPress has changed – with no instructions. Egad! Life is like that. This is art imitating life. I best just get on with it and tap. I’m here. Let me enjoy the experience of trial and error. It’s what I’m good at – tapping without instructions.

I’m a little disconcerted at the moment. It might take me a little to get this post together. I’m faced with a big blank page without all those gizzmo. There are no sidebars. It’s like swimming in the ocean. No edge of the pool to hang on to in case of drowning. But I’ve uploaded a cover photo. I like it. I can write on it. I can move it to left, right or middle. So far I haven’t figured out how to resize it. No matter. It looks good. I can go like this for the whole month. And sometimes the things you need just pop out at you in the moment. I’ve just found where the word count is clicking on the i with a circle around it. Life can be fun and informative if you show up.

I have this motto: No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. I borrowed it from Regina Brett. It’s a pretty good one and she is a pretty neat lady. Wow, I found how to add a link on this new WordPress thing-a-ma-jig! Now if I can figure out how to add tags, everything else would be a bonus. But carrying on, showing up is a big thing. Many times I’ve been present in body but not mind. I’m sure I’ve missed many moments but I’m not going to cry over spilt milk. Let me start from this moment, to be in the moment and appreciate what I have.

I love my early morning moments when the rest of the world is still asleep. I see my world through a clearer lens. The other morning I saw and felt the pleasure of my surroundings. I saw the sunlight playing on the wall and floor. I could see from my place in the sunroom – the dining room and all the way to the livingroom. I was fully present in the moment. It felt magical.

I think I have had enough fun for now. It is very cool, this new WordPress. I’ve discovered how to resize photos and where to add tags. I better quit while I’m ahead. I’ll be back for more fun tomorrow.

A NEW CHALLENGE

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September 29/20

It’s a little after 10 am. I’m trying for a productive day without ruts and moods. But you know what they say. Life never runs smooth. Don’t you just hate these sayings? I do. I’m going to turn over a new leaf and NOT try to remake myself into what I am not. Why fight nature. I should just go with the flow for a change.

Do you know what my handicap is? My moral compass is too high. I always want to do the right thing. I have a hard time doing it though, especially when I feel I have been wronged. It is very difficult if not impossible for me to forgive if I’m not met halfway.

October 1/20

September got away from me. I showed up here only 5 times. I wonder what happened to my motto of no matter how you feel get up, dress up and show up. I could blame it on the Covid. I could blame losing Sheba. I could blame it on a lot of things but I won’t. I fell off the wagon. I lost focus. I lost interest. I lost purpose of showing up. So now I’m starting again. That’s the way of everything, isn’t it? We fall. We get up and start again.

So this is the first day of the October Ultimate Blog Challenge. The goal is to show up each day, write a great post and connect with other bloggers. I’ve been doing the Challenge since April 2014. I showed up every day that first time. Let’s see if I can repeat the performance. Let’s see if I can keep things fresh and not regress into going into the past and mulling over spilt milk.

Lately, I’ve been taking note of what’s giving me pleasure and what irks me. I think I will make that the theme for this month. It’s still just my mumblings about the ordinariness of my daily life. I am retired. I have no business to publicize or push. I am not naturally bent that way anyways. Good luck to everyone. Hope to see/read you each day.

WAKING UP FROM DREAMLAND

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September 21/20

Monday morning. I’m trying not to fall into my usual whine but I do feel like a bear. I want to crawl into a hollow log and sleep the day away. I gave myself a talk and got dressed after breakfast. I even ran a brush through my hair. I got the beginning of breadmaking. I have 30 minutes to sip my cuppa before proceeding to the next step.

It’s turning out to be a beautiful sunny morning. I had a whiff of energy the other day to clear and tidy my space. It’s not perfect but a big improvement. I can relax and have room to breathe again. It reminds me that I don’t have to do big. Picking up and putting away a few things goes a long way. It’s an opening to feeling better, leading to do more. Rome was not built in a day.

My loaves are now proofing for 40 minutes before their bake. I’m glad that I’ve pushed through my fatigue and inertia. It helped listening to my favourite podcast, Tapestry. This morning it was a story of a man who built a train in his basement. It’s a very interesting and inspiring story. Talk about a guy with a passion. He had this dream since 12 years old, maybe even younger. I think we/I need passion to push us/me onward on hard days. I think I got what it takes.

September 27/20

It’s a sunny Sunday. A week almost squeaked by without my showing up here. Well, here I am. All dressed and hair sorta combed. It’s 19 weeks and one day since my Sheba’s left this earth. I’m not counting the time as much, but I still remember. She was a big part of me. She was that soft animal of my body that Mary Oliver speaks of. I miss her warmth and softness. So I shed a few tears in gratitude and love of her.

I’ve awaken as if from a long coma. I wonder what has happened to usme. I wonder what has happened to the world. Is it the Covid? Or is it that the Covid has awaken us to the world as it really is now, the world we have created? There is no place to hide or deny now. So I take a deep breath. I have been sleepwalking, living in my head – for a long time now. I’ve been working hard this week, coming out of my dreamland, out of denial, to take a look around at the real physcial world. I’m trying hard not to go back down the rabbit hole. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to find purpose. I’m trying to feel love.

IRKS AND QUIRKS

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September 18/20

There are so many things that are irking me right now. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’m restless, on the move instead of a drowsy potato on the couch. What is irking me, you ask. First of all, lack of REM sleep. The neighbour has installed a very bright and glaring lightbulb outside on her garage. It’s on 24 hours a day. The trouble is at night. The light seeps through our bedroom venetians which are installed between the panes. The reflection is quite bright. Though I can get to sleep, I can’t stay asleep. I wake frequently through the night. Last night we had to cover the windows with a light blanket and towel. They are still tacked up. Who wants to do that every night? Now I have to turn the light on in the bedroom during the day.

The thing to do would be to talk to her. Be proactive. Be direct. Her renter already told us he had no luck. She considers the light is her security system even though he tried to tell her it is a signal there is no one at home. I’ve had no past successes in negotiating with female neighbours. I will have to send the guy over. Maybe he has some charm. Solution number 2 would be to install a curtain rod to hang some dark drapes. But I love my non dust collecting in-between venetians and being able to see the beautiful wood frames. I’m trying not to rush into solving this. So blankets, towels and drapes for now.

I’m unsettled enough today that I’ve already got soup in the Instant Pot by 8:30 am. I’ve got a couple of rooms vacuumed and sorted out some tomatoes. Yes, there’s a bee in my bonnet that I’m trying to soothe.

September 19/20

It is Saturday, Sheba’s day. I’ve had a couple of restless, more energy kind of days. Now I’m just listless and drab. There’s no Sheba around to keep me on track. I have to do it all on my own power. I did go over to talk to the neighbour to talk about her high voltage ‘night light’. Alas/hooray she was not home, gone for the week. I wrote her a nice could-we-solve-this-problem note and taped it to her door. Thank goodness her renter had sense to turn out the light in the meantime. A week of no sleep and being pissed off would do me in.

Now I’m just pecking on my keyboard. It is soothing and calming. It’s like a pacemaker for my brain. I should come here more often. How many times have I said it now? Why don’t I just do it? It’s one of those mystery questions with no answer. I will carry on the best I can. I am not behind. I am not deficient. I am what I am. A little Dr. Seus here. I do so like Green Eggs and Ham even though I am not Sam-I-Am.

September 20/20

It’s Sunday morning coming down. I’m not as morose as Kris Kristofferson. It helps that I didn’t smoke my brain out last night. I didn’t have a beer for breakfast either. I’m trying not to give in to the season of my moods. I’m concentrating on the moment of now. So…I have a pot of yellow roma tomatoes stewing on the stove. They’re smelling super tangy. It’s a waker upper. Just what I need. I am not languishing on the couch with my book of crossword puzzles waiting for things to change.

 

This morning a memory came up on Facebook from a year ago. It was of our visit to Mount Carmel with Sheba last August. Sheba was running down the hill. She looked so vibrant and alive. It brought tears to my eyes. She had walked the Stations of the Cross with Rod.

It is almost lunch. The tomatoes have stewed enough. So have I. I have not languished the morning away. I am not unhappy. Just a little misty and nostalgic. I am paying attention to the moment and what is important. I am problem solving. I am making space. I am making peace.