DAY 18 UBC – I AM NOT BEHIND

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I Am Not Behind

I am alot of things like being angry, sad, bad, depressed… But I am seldom bored. There’s no time. I find that there’s endless things that need doing and wanting doing. I’m always in a muddle of some thing or other. I have stashes of unfinished projects hidden here and there. I’ve always been thus.

I hadn’t worried about nothing to do in retirement. I have been retired for seven years now and haven’t ran out of things to do yet. I don’t miss work at all. I never felt defined by my job. I don’t think of myself as always a nurse. I don’t feel like a nurse at all. I’ve been a babysitter, waitress, cashier and secretary. I don’t feel like any of those either. I guess I’m a Jill of all trades and a mistress of none.

I like to write. That’s how I got into this blogging thing. That’s why I am in this Ultimate Blog Challenge. I get to push the PUBLISH button, tweet and share. It’s a small taste of being a writer with a small readership. It’s enough for me. I like the small sweetness of things. I can read a bit of music and play the piano. I probably could bring the house down but not in a good way. I can play the guitar, too. I can tell when it’s out of tune but I can’t tune it. I can’t play well or by ear either. It still brings me pleasure.

I like to draw and paint, too. I can. We all can. I had some training when I was young by some excellent teachers. I didn’t know it then. I dropped out because I thought if I was really talented, I could just create master pieces just like that. I couldn’t. I gave up on my artistry for over 30 some years. I talked about it alot but didn’t do anything till a few years ago. Then I surprised myself by seeing that I am creative and artsy fartsy. I am enjoying it now.

I don’t think I’m behind or that it’s too late. I am exactly where I am suppose to be. It is a little late in the day though. I’ve worked hard today, immersed in my puddle of muddle. I like to sew, too. I designed and sewed my dress for my Grade 12 grad. In fact, I used to sew a lot of my own clothes. Then that fell off my wagon. Life is like that. There’s a season for everything. Now, sewing has come back to me. I’m not making clothes. I’ve moved on to other stuff. It’s never too late to pick up something again. But it is getting late. I’m finished.

DAY 17 UBC – OVER REACHING

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Over Reaching

It’s a cold October Saturday. I think I’m over -reaching my goal of fresh lettuce from my garden till end of October. I’m so close. Just two weeks left but it’s a long two weeks. The forecast is not good. Minus temperatures as far as I can see. But one might as well aim high rather than low. Missing the mark is disappointing but it is a great incentive to investigate and learn how to achieve it next year. It would be easy if our greenhouse is finished. But..it is not. So far the greens are a little chilled but still viable under 2 crop covers. I am still hopeful.

I was listening to the Current podcast this afternoon. I heard the interesting story of Christopher Havens. He’s a convicted killer with a life sentence. He spent his first year in solitary confinement. He was a high school dropout but got interested in math in prison. He started to teach himself as much as he could. Somehow he reached outside the prison system to get further help. Since then he’s got an article published in a math journal. It’s an awesome must read story if you’re looking for inspiration. He finds math and fractions beautiful. And he is setting up a Prison Mathematics Project to help other inmates.

I guess I will keep reaching high. I don’t have time for those baby steps. I have to take giant leaps forward. I am pretty proud that I got out to the fabric store yesterday. I got my drapery material and the hardware to hang it on. The rod is installed. The material cut. I miscalculated or didn’t calculate the correct amount of material. But no worries. I came up with a solution. I think problems are good for us. They keep our brains active and working. They need problems to solve. Otherwise they become porridge.

I hope I will have curtains to hang by this time tomorrow. It’s an encentive having made the annoucement. So ends this 17th post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

DAY 16 UBC – CHINESE AIR FORCE DAY

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Chinese Air Force Day

It’s Friday, Chinese Air Force Day. You know – Fly day! Get it? I’m having a joke on myself. It’s good to laugh once in awhile even though I’m not the laughing kind of girl. I’m super serious. I was still in a ranting kind of mad about not asleeping well because of bright city lights this morning. What you get when you hang onto rants is not good at all. I learned it the hard way. This morning I was still constipated as all get up. I ate 2 prunes last night with no show. Then I ate 2 more this morning. It was difficult and painful. It was like having a baby! Sorry, too much information and sharing.

I’m somewhat better. I was late getting to the aerobics class this morning. My mind was all afluttered and distressed. I was still teed off and suffering the side effects of the sleeping pill. I had to pay more attention driving. I could have easily gotten into an accident. It was nice my classmates helped me assembled my equipment for the tabata class. I have to admit I didn’t give it my all. I faked some of the hard stuff but I still worked up a sweat.

After lunch I went shopping for black out drapery lining. Thanks to Martha DeMeo I learned something new. I never knew of such a thing before. Now I can make my windows totally light proof. I had a little trouble finding things but it prooved to be fun. I rambled away at another customer on a different search. I bounced off ideas on her. What do you think of this and that? It helps to have another input. While I was there, I picked out the hardware to put it on. The bonus was everything was 50% off. I didn’t do the cheapy thing like a true Chinese either. I treated myself with NICE.

I had hated to cover up my nice warm wooden framed windows with built in venetians. Now I am excited with doing an do over. Besides, sleeping is more important. I can solve a problem even if there is no cooperation. Life is good. Change is good. I have a new project. The material is heavy and nice enough. I can use it as the curtain. I can dress it up with some stitching or embroidery. I love the curtain rod. It’s a good accent. I am grateful for challenging times.

DAY 15 UBC – I’M MAD AS HELL

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I’m Mad as Hell

I’m mad as hell. I’m going to take it but I’m not wasting it. All that pent up energy going to waste. No sir! It’s fuel. I’m putting it use. I’m not letting it turn into methane gas. We have too much of it already.

So I had my rant, stomped my and screamed a bit. Then I donned my warm jacket and my YWCA Take Back the Light toque from last year and headed out the door. -2 Celsius was nothing when I’m all fumed up. It was beautiful and sunny. The neighbourhood was lit up by autumn colours. I walked by Carol’s (Sheba’s sitter) old house. I see the chair lift in the front. I am reminded of how minor my problems are. A few houses down Dracula was sleeping in his coffin. That was until I walked by. Then the coffin creaked open and he slowly rose. How Sheba used to always barked and balked at this.

A little harmless Halloween scare is good for the soul. It’s better than being pissed with steam coming out of my ears. I try not to be my old self but I don’t always win. So now I’m trying to let it go, look for the gold and enjoy life. My sleep has been disturbed these last while by my neighbour’s light on her garage. It casts a giant panarama bright enough for a movie set, I am sure. It’s on all night and looks like will be 24/7. Yes, I’ve approached her with various solutions. We even invited her in for a glass of wine. She was opened in changing to a different less glaring lightbulb. But it is of same wattage. It is better but it still casts light through my venetians and reflect on the wall. She already has another light on 24/7 on the side of the garage and a motion sensor light above her back door which she does not turn on at night.

So after a night of sleeping pill aid, I let her know that the light was still a problem. From her answer and our past history, I know that she is not opened at all. It is up to us to make the changes. And we will. We don’t want responsibility for her falling or robbed and attacked because of poor lighting. It’s good to remember the onus rests on yourself. You will never go wrong there. I will get the guy to install some nice curtain rods. I will create and design some nice embroidered ones. My mind is easing and creating already. I am a creator, not a fumer. Lesson learned.

DAY 14 UBC – SOME THINGS YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF

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Some Things You Have to Let Go of

I’ve just done a whirlwind harvest. I’m whopped! I resent not being an Energizer Bunny. I want to go on and on. Alas, I can only go on and then I’m out of huff. That’s how I am. I have to let go of what I can’t do and do the things I can.

This morning the low pressure tire light came on in the car enroute to my exercise class. I pulled over and had a look to see that I’m not driving with a flat. I’ve done that before. All good but it still nagged at me. It would be an easy thing to stop at a tire shop on the way home. They do it for free. I’ve done it before. But it felt difficult. I didn’t want to do it though I tried to tell myself it would be good for me. But my other self said how is that good for me? I don’t have to challenge myself on stupid things. Let the guy do it. It’s a guy thing. It would make him feel good. That won me over. Now I’m convinced that I make life harder than it need be too often. I should relax a little more and more often.

My plan had been to return some library books on the way home this morning. But I didn’t want to drive too much on low tires. The tires are pumped up now but I’m not. I had talked myself into doing the harvest first and then do the library. But now I’m too tired. It’s cold and windy out. I hustled my butt pulling and cutting veggies. I’m talking to myself again. The books can wait another day. There’s no fines because of Covid. There’s lots of traffic this time of the day. My fatigue could cause me to be careless.

My other self didn’t argue with me. So here I sit, sipping my cuppa and tapping for the 14th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s good to talk it out, assesse the situation to see if the doing needs doing. Sometimes the not doing is the better choice. Sometimes I get twisted about the stupidest things. Tell me you do, too. Please!

DAY 13 UBC – WHAT IF I JUST SIT

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What if I Just Sit

The bread is in the oven. They will be done in 30 minutes. I have a bit of a breather. Even when you think you got it together, it’s still an all day affair. There’s just no way around it . I’ve been doing this same recipe for almost 9 years. I know it by heart and the knead of it. I’ve learned to give myself over to this bake bread day. I do savour the breaks in the process.

Usually I like to sit and sip my tea and scroll or read. This morning none of that was appealing. I thought why don’t I just sit. Why don’t I? It was easier said than done. I think my brain has been slowly eroded and reprogrammed by all our technology. It felt peculiar to just sit and stare into space. I felt my impatient self talking. Now what? I can’t just sit. I felt my brain doing a scan. I don’t want to read anything. I don’t want to scroll on my iPhone. What is it that I want to do?

My head is talking to itself. I have only 30 minutes before I have to tend to the dough. Think fast. What can I do? My Jesus cross stitch flashed through my mind. But how much can I do? Now I have less than 30 minutes. Then I hear my mother’s voice talking about a bucket filling with one drop at a time. So I translated that into a stitch at a time. I dug out my Jesus kit. Once upon a few years ago, I said I would have it done by Christmas. I can make it this Christmas. I have two and a half months. It’s never too late until it is.

I get about 8 cross stitches done and my timer went off. I was just getting back into the hang of it. But I had to tend to the dough. I didn’t quite hop up right away. It was a bright sunny morning and the sunroom was warm and such a delight. I didn’t tarry long but when I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by an over eager and over festive dough. Eeeek!

I haven’t sat much after that till now. But it’s all water under the bridge. The loaves are baked and cooling their heels on my new racks. All the clean up is done. Why don’t I just sit for a little bit longer, eh? I feel a bit done.

DAY 12 UBC – E IS FOR EFFORT

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E is for Effort

The ham is in the oven. It is Thanksgiving Monday. I am a little tired. I had trouble laying down to sleep last night. It’s that time of year of allergies and dry air. Time to get the humidifier out soon. But I’m none the worse for wear. I’m keeping on top of my goal for October. I’m still looking for the gold in everything. It’s day 12 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m almost halfway through.

Some days it is more of a struggle with everything. That’s just life. That’s how it is. So you just have to give it a little more effort. I miss my daily walks with Sheba. They have been part of my every day for almost 14 years. The guy misses them, too. So this morning we walked each other to the park, along Sheba’s route. We passed her sitter, Carol’s house. Carol doesn’t live their anymore. But we still think of it as hers.

It’s a bit of sad affair. The yard is full of weeds and overgrown shrubs. We saw a chair lift, something recently added, by the front door. We knew that the man’s wife has MS. We’ve never seen her in the 2-3 years they’ve lived there. We’ve only seen the dogs in the backyard that was full of their poop. The man was seldom seen. The lift is a reminder to us that we know nothing of their circumstances or challenges. Keeping up the yard is probably very low on their priority list. Let us not be their judges.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I’m reminded how much I have to be grateful for. Being healthy and physically independent is huge. So I am tired. I can rest. I didn’t sleep well last night. I will sleep better tonight having had a morning walk and raking the front yard. So ends another day and effort. It’s not fancy. And it is not great or profound. I showed up. Mary Oliver sums it up nicely in her poem, Praying.

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.”

DAY 11 UBC – CHOW MEIN OR CHOP SUEY

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Chow Mein or Chop Suey

Sunday. Eleven days into October. I’ve had a good run. Now I need a moment to gather myself. I was on the brink of falling back into my old self of grumbling. It is just a habit. I breathed through it. I can see why exercise is good for you in the morning. It stretches body and mind. It gets the endorphins going. But going out for a walk or a run on my own was not appealing. I tackled my chores instead. Now I’m truly awake but not feeling restful or congenial. So back to the drawing board.

I know that there would be days like this. It is very irksome. It is Thanksgiving. I’ve invited my parents for supper. We’re into the 9th month of no family meals. My mother came down with shingles at the beginning of February. Then Covid came. It wasn’t until the middle of May that she was done with the shingles, medication and doctor’s appointments. I felt it was the least I could do that we share a meal together at long last.

It’s funny to say the decision caused some worry. Was it a good thing or not? She had accepted my brother’s invitation. Then she thought about it and changed her mind. Both my sister-in-law and niece worked in the hospital. Plus my nephew is a medical resident and his girlfriend a nurse – in a hospital. I think she made the right choice. Both she and my father are up in their years. Both are health compromised. No need to put them at more risk.

I think we are a better and safe choice for supper mates. We are both retired with a small social circle. We are ordering in. But then there’s the menu. What to order? Even in a restaurant, ordering Chinese sends me into an indecision crisis. Back in those days, I never had to. Usually my brother and sister-in-law have that honour. They frequent restaurants more and know all the dishes. But, I’ve finally sweated through the ordeal. I have completed the order online, paid and receipted. Now the guy just have to pick it up at 6 pm.

DAY 10 UBC – DEDICATED TO THE ONE I LOVE

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Dedicated to the One I Love

It’s Saturday, the day my fur baby left for doggy heaven. We miss her but life goes on as the saying goes. It is true. It does. For everything that happens, the world still spins on its axis as it rotates around the sun. And we are all going along with it. Saturday is still my favourite day even though she is no longer here with me physically. My memories of her are warm and sweet.

I will have none of the bitter sweet stuff. I am careful of my thoughts and what I feed my brain. Loss and the end of things can be/are painful but it is the natural order of things. There is a beginning, middle and an ending to all living things. The challenge lies within our finiteness. We don’t have forever. Time is precious like water. I don’t want it to drain/waste away. This is one of those AHA moments I’ve encountered in this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’m learning when to turn off the tap. There’s no point in bashing my head against the wall on things I can’t change. I’ve only hurt myself. It is insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Things are not complicated but we make it so. I am having fun and learning as well in this round of the Challenge. Sometimes it is challenging, trying finding the time to write every day and read others and comment as well. But I also find it motivating. I just do the best I can. We are all different. I admire those who does it so well. I try to return visits when I can.

As you can see, I AM finding my way around this new WordPress thing. In the end it turns out the same. I was stuck on the classic version. I hung on with tooth and nail – till they took it away. I was forced into changing. The change is good for my brain’s neuroplasticity. I was hanging onto Sheba hard, too. I couldn’t hang on forever. I have my sweet memories without the bitter part. She was the most pretty and happy girl. I love her.

DAY 9 UBC – HAPPY AT LAST

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Happy At Last

It’s a cool overcast morning. It’s the kind of day I want to curl up with my quilt and while away the moments. Instead, I’m sitting here tapping and eating left over pizza. It tastes mighty fine. I think I shall have more. I have to give in to these urges now and then. I have to give myself a break or two. I wanted to cancel my exercise class this morning. I meditated and talked myself out of it. Then the exercise cancelled me! A water main problem. No water at the facility.

The universe does listen to us and give us what we need. I’m more attentive now. I try to respond instead of blindly react. I’ve had some very full days and in need of a rest. I’m happy nature is giving it to me. I don’t have to feel guilty about being out and making hay while the sun shines. It’s taking time out, too. There is a reason and season for everything.

This is the season of seeing and understanding for me. My fellow bloggers in this UBC seemed to be writing for me, about things that I specifically need to see right now. How wonderful of them! And the things are not really new to me. It is that I’m seeing and understanding in a different light. It makes me think, Well, how stupid was I! It makes me give my head a shake and a slap to my face. Most of all, I’m singing to myself. I’m happy. At last I’m happy.

And what might those things be, you wonder. They are really simple. I’ve probably written about them myself many many times before. But until they hit, electrofied and lit me up like a LED bulb, I never truly understood the concepts. I think we each have to figure out for ourselves what adds and what takes away from our lives.