September 21/20

Monday morning. I’m trying not to fall into my usual whine but I do feel like a bear. I want to crawl into a hollow log and sleep the day away. I gave myself a talk and got dressed after breakfast. I even ran a brush through my hair. I got the beginning of breadmaking. I have 30 minutes to sip my cuppa before proceeding to the next step.

It’s turning out to be a beautiful sunny morning. I had a whiff of energy the other day to clear and tidy my space. It’s not perfect but a big improvement. I can relax and have room to breathe again. It reminds me that I don’t have to do big. Picking up and putting away a few things goes a long way. It’s an opening to feeling better, leading to do more. Rome was not built in a day.

My loaves are now proofing for 40 minutes before their bake. I’m glad that I’ve pushed through my fatigue and inertia. It helped listening to my favourite podcast, Tapestry. This morning it was a story of a man who built a train in his basement. It’s a very interesting and inspiring story. Talk about a guy with a passion. He had this dream since 12 years old, maybe even younger. I think we/I need passion to push us/me onward on hard days. I think I got what it takes.

September 27/20

It’s a sunny Sunday. A week almost squeaked by without my showing up here. Well, here I am. All dressed and hair sorta combed. It’s 19 weeks and one day since my Sheba’s left this earth. I’m not counting the time as much, but I still remember. She was a big part of me. She was that soft animal of my body that Mary Oliver speaks of. I miss her warmth and softness. So I shed a few tears in gratitude and love of her.

I’ve awaken as if from a long coma. I wonder what has happened to usme. I wonder what has happened to the world. Is it the Covid? Or is it that the Covid has awaken us to the world as it really is now, the world we have created? There is no place to hide or deny now. So I take a deep breath. I have been sleepwalking, living in my head – for a long time now. I’ve been working hard this week, coming out of my dreamland, out of denial, to take a look around at the real physcial world. I’m trying hard not to go back down the rabbit hole. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to find purpose. I’m trying to feel love.