MY NEXT PLAN

Posted on August 3, 2017 by hafong

I wonder why I am so busy. I would like to just sit, rest or read a book at ease. But there’s something needing doing all the time – bread to be made, groceries to put away. Everywhere I look, I see dust, dirt and Sheba’s hair. How can I rest? How can I sit at ease? Why do I keep asking these same old questions? Why do I walk down the same streets and fall down the same old flipping holes? I’ve worked through a whole year of doing different. Life remains tough. What is my next plan?

One thing for sure is I can’t wait till I’m all caught up with everything. I have to keep moving – a little faster and further each day. Otherwise, I will never get out of the damn hole. A little cussing gives me a bit of oomph, a little more power. Maybe it can boost me up to the edge and I can crawl out.

I’m feeling more calm and focus with each tap, tap of the keyboard. I have to find my way here more often. It is what is helping to slow my thinking mind so that I can do instead of racing around breathlessly in my head. I don’t need to move faster. I need to slow down and set priorities, taking time to figure out what helps/doesn’t help, make lists, keep records/journals….

I’m feeling better. Planning is grounding. I don’t feel like gnashing my teeth anymore. The dishes are in the washer. It’s going round and round. The rhubarb crisp is half started. It can rest in the fridge. Tomorrow is another day.

THE DAY AFTER MY YEAR

Posted on July 29, 2017 by hafong

The day after my year of doing different I am feeling quite crossed and unpleasant. I feel ugly meanness and not niceness oozing out of me. I decide that I would try to go into quietness and sit with it for awhile. Maybe I can befriend the feeling and see where it goes. I will try the newness of not fixing. It will be difficult, for I’m the fix-myself queen.

The tap tap on the keyboard has a soothing rhythm. I’m feeling and listening to the sound. It reminds me of Rhythm of the Falling Rain.

I hear the opening bar of thunder, then the cascading falling of the rain, the melody and simple lyrics. It’s pretty, it’s lovely. My body moves to the rhythm. My lips mouth the words. I am not stirring up more uglies in me.

The wrinkles in my mind are ironed out, the uglies and meanness recede. Only I had felt them. They are not my outerwear. They are not broadcast over loudspeaker system. I am not what I feel. I do not have to repent and do 50 hours of community work. I am saved from myself by myself. Hallelujah!

What I know for sure is the earth is round. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It will do so every day unless we screw up and self destruct. What goes up must come down. I am not unique. Therefore I am not alone in my feelings. There are good habits and then there are bad habits. What I know for sure is I’ve strengthened my good ones during the 365 days of doing different. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. It is a very good motto. Work it!

THE SPACE – VIKTOR FRANKL – Day 264 in the year of….

Posted on July 27, 2017 by hafong

Day 364 – July 27, 2017 @1:48 pm

Here I am again, showing up once more on this second last day to my year of. It is not easier. What stays true is nothing happens and nothing said till I make my first tap – a letter, a word, a sentence, a paragraph.

My head is not quite as full and heavy today. Getting the thoughts out in print helps to clarify things for me. That’s why I tap. I’m voicing my sighs, groans and moans of aches,pains, irks and whathaveyous. A glimpse of insight sometimes follow. And I go, ‘ah, how interesting, Watson’, followed by a slow smile.

Sometimes insight comes on its own wings. Yesterday Viktor Frankl spoke to me:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

I think he was trying to save me time. He was pointing to the most important lesson of my year. I’ve gotten that point before. It’s just that I keep losing it over and over. THE SPACE is it. It is there for all of us. It can be a moment or two but is so powerful when recognized. It can feel like an eternity where we can do so much in just that moment.

I am so happy that Viktor whispered it. I saw it before my eyes last evening at supper. And I gave it voice. Remembering the moment now gives me peace. My forehead is smoothed of wrinkles. My head feels lighter. I am in the space.

HEAVINESS, SPACE, TIME – Day 363 in the year of…

Posted on July 26, 2017 by hafong

Day 363 – July 26, 2017 @4:21 pm

Some days the heaviness weighs me down. My head is full of this and that, information, things to do, guilt, other people’s stuff, my stuff. It’s difficult to stand tall and free. I was feeling all of it this morning. What to do? It’s hard to let go of getting right to the ‘doing’. The habit is set. When did it happen? How did it happen?

With the recognition of the moment, I tried to set aside my book, my phone, my everything. It was difficult and uncomfortable to sit with just my tea and toast. But my head was heavy and weary. I tried for nothing for little moments in time. Then my toast and tea were done. I still had 3/4 hour before heading out for my exercise class. I picked up my phone. I put down my phone. I don’t need to cram my brain with more information. I got up.

My next ‘challenge’ after finishing ‘my year of’ is creating order in my home. It is really about creating order in me. No time like the present to start. I headed towards the bedroom. I dusted the dressers, bedframe, light fixture, above the doors. It did not take long. I still had time. I got the mop and damp dusted the floor. Sheba is in shedding season. The hair! The dusting and mopping were very soothing and relaxing.

I had plenty of time to get to the gym. My head felt much lighter and I had one clean and orderly room. What I learned from the experience is that I have to take time for creating space – whether it is in my head or in a room. The time is always there but I have to take it. I’ve been taking time to exercise. It’s become a good habit. I have to apply it to other areas. It’s good to take time to clear, to empty the trash in our heads as well as in our house.

TURBULENCE, IMPERMANENCE, CHOICES – Day 361 and 362 in a year of…

Posted on July 25, 2017 by hafong

Day 361 – July 24, 2017 @8:20 am

Some days are easier than others but all days are hard. At one time I thought it best not to use that word – hard. I’ve changed my mind. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s best to face the facts. Life is hard. Days are hard. This morning the sky was overcast, ominous, the trees whipped about by the wind. I felt nature’s turbulence within.

Day 362 – July 25, 2017 @9:34 am

Seems like I’m waking up to Groundhog Day – the same sky and turbulence. The difference is the turbulence is not within me. As I speak the clouds have scattered and the sun is peeking out. Nothing stays the same. In these last days of my year of, I’m ever conscious of our/my shifting world. It has always been so, the impermanence – “transient, evanescent, inconstant.”

In my new state of awareness, I have this feeling that everything and nothing matters. I get to decide which. I am the master/captain of my destiny/ship. I choose everything matters. It is in my genetic code. I am an explorer, a striver and a survivor. I choose life. I choose to make it a good life. This decision gives me direction in every moment. It makes a difference in the days, weeks, months, years to come.

They are not momentous. They are little decisions/changes in little moments. They make my day just a little easier. I am not monumental. I am but a woman of little stature. I like it.

A YEAR IN REVIEW – day 360 in a year of…

Posted on July 23, 2017 by hafong

Day 360 – July 23, 2017 @9:19 am

It’s been 2 months since I’ve last sat here. I’m fighting the urge to rise and make myself another cup of tea/coffee. It’s uncomfortable being in this space again, trying to tap, tap out the letters, words, thoughts. The space is bigger, wider. I’m a little lost, sloshing around, trying to find and touch the boundaries. I’m like the little seedlings starting out. They/I like the snugness of a small space. Our roots/limbs to feel the sides and edges. I like to think I’m more pliable though. I can s-t-r-e-t-c-h, reaching for the stars. I can grow. I have grown, haven’t I? There! Now I’ve earned that time out for that cuppa before continuing.

I have my cuppa decaf. Somehow I feel better having something to sip on. It’s better/healthier than a lit cigarette on an ashtray. That’s my old self – a cigarette before/while doing. That’s one way I have grown – physically healthier. I’m leaner and less mean, thanks to my three times a week aerobics class and a swim once a week. The mean part is mostly in my mind. I don’t think I’m a mean person but I always fault myself for not being kinder, for being such a grump and ranting so much. I still have those feelings sometimes. I no longer mind my inability to be ‘kinder’. I’m kinder to myself. I rant because I’m not one for status quo and don’t rock the boat. How can things improve that way? I’ll be like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day, same tune on the radio every day.

I like to think I’m more conscious, being in the present moment. I like to think I’m more of a responder instead of a reactionary. That was/is my biggest goal. It has so many benefits. I’m not so angry or resentful. I sleep better. I have more creative energy but I have to tell you it is work every minute of the day. I remind myself – ok, don’t take that personally. Don’t fly off the handle. Breathe, observe and respond. It becomes easier with practice. Everything becomes easier and better with practice.

Practice makes for better. It’s a good place to stop. I like challenges. Everything is a challenge to me. And I grumble about the hardness of all that. But the grumbling is me trying to find that comfort zone, that snugness, the space to breathe in and out and to start again. What I know for sure is that we have to start – again and again, discarding what doesn’t work, keeping the good stuff.

CREATING ORDER – Day 298 in a year of..

Posted on May 22, 2017 by hafong

Day 298 – May 22, 2017 @8:45 am

I’m still falling into the trap of same beginnings. It has been awhile since I’ve been here and yes life happens. They are both true and mundane. But you know what? I’ve fallen in love with the mundane. How comforting it is to wake up each morning to my outside world hasn’t changed. The sun still rises in the east. I am here in the moment as its witness – feeling the comfort of its light and warmth. I drink my cup of tea. The day starts.

How fortunate I am to receive the teachings of Caroline Myss during this difficult interior transition. The difficulty being that it’s personal and it is I who must rouse myself from my comfortable sleeping state and into the awake world. That world is vibrant and rotating on its axis and changing. I am not special but part of that changing. I cannot hang back by tooth or nail. If I do, surely I will suffer road rash. It has its own pain.

So here I am, trying – painful as it is. Amd it is to sit here and peck out my words and thoughts one by one. We are in the age of the Internet, send, receive, delete with a tap, click, ENTER. I’ve been mesmerized into thinking that life is that easy and fast – that I could live that way with no mess, no effort, no feeling. Click, tap, voila – done! It’s hard to sit and read an article with more than one paragraph, never mind writing one.

But look, I’m starting my fourth paragraph! It’s been a few years of deleting and entering to realize that doesn’t really do any physical work. It won’t clear the piles on my desk and other surfaces. It doesn’t remove the cobwebs and dust from my giraff and light fixtures. Even my cyber mailboxes were overflowing. But I am slowly creating order each day. Only 1 unread mail in the inbox.

I have surpassed my attention span already. An abrupt end. Better that than repetitive nonsense. I can try again tomorrow.

QUAGMIRE – DAY 285 in a year of…

Posted on May 9, 2017 by hafong

Day 285-May 9, 2017 @9:43 am

I’m in a quagmire of procrastination. Caught in stagnation of unable or no desire to go forward, sideways or backwards. So here I sit, hoping to tap away my blues. Don’t get me wrong. I might sound morose and am feeling morose, but I’m A-okay. It’s the flux and flow of my nature. It’s what’s out there in the universe. It’s what’s in me. Sometimes there are blue skies. Sometimes there’s not. There’s cycles of the seasons. There’s the cycles of me.

I’ve been navigating my ship for awhile now. I’ve learned the ropes, when to ease and trim the sails. I’ve read the manuals and chartered the course. There are times when there are too many storms. I’m blown off course and/or too fatigued. I’ve allowed myself extra time and more rest. It feels as if I’m stuck but I’m just going at a different pace, in a different direction. I’m going with the wind.

I’m feeling a little better, a little unstuck. I’m learning not to fight the nature of things. Everything in good time. The world is still spinning around and around. I don’t need to. I can sit and stay for awhile.

VISION – Day 275 in a year of…

Posted on April 29, 2017 by hafong

Day 275 – April 29, 2017 @2:02 pm

They say that eyes are windows to the soul. It’s how the light gets in. I have been worried about losing the light for as long as I can remember. I am very near sighted and had thick, thick glasses in childhood. Not only was I worried about the light but being unsightly as well. Thank God for high index and contact lenses and inplants. Now my vision is better than ever.

I did not know in my youth that short vision can be a good thing. In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott talks about writing as much as you can see through a one-inch picture frame, taking one-inch bites at a time. And E. L. Doctorow said writing a novel is like driving a car at night. “You can only see as far as your headlights. You can make the whole trip that way.”

I can see the wisdom in that – staying in the present, looking ahead to see what lies within the range of your headlights. You can live your whole life like that. So I take a deep breath and take a step ahead. Then another, walking in the path lit by the light.

SELF-LOVE – Day 274 in a year of…

Posted on April 28, 2017 by hafong

Day 274 – April 28, 2017 @1:51 pm

I’m thinking about self-love. What does it mean to mean to love oneself? One thing I know for sure is that you don’t hurt yourself. But in real life, how many times do we sabatage ourselves – knowingly or unconsciously? It’s good to have this time here to give it some thought.

The day is really dreary and life has been difficult. I try not to feel sorry for myself. It would be harmful rather than helpful. I suck it up, knowing that it is the same for everyone. Not thinking I’m special is self-love. I move onward and forward. I go to my exercise class. I did not enjoy it. That is not a requirement. I still benefit from it. My mood and body are healthier for it.

I’ve dropped out of my history class – American Politics in the time of Trump. I rather have the time for myself. The class is very interesting and the professor is fabulous. My schedule is crammed and it is taxing to rush from one thing to another. I choose what is better for me – my exercise class. There is too much Trump all around already. Do I need more? I can pick it up at a later time. It’s for interest only.

So here I am, showing up again. Showing up is loving myself. It is wonderful that I have this time here. I am not worrying about my grammar, my tenses. I am just sharing my thoughts, what I am doing, my successes, my failures. We can benefit from each other. These are a few ways I’m loving myself.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity