NEEDS – Day 273 in a year of…

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Day 273 – April 27, 2017 @9:55 am

Now that I have made the return to my words, I need to heed them as well. I need to do as I say else they would be empty words. They would be like the emperor without clothes.

273 days in my journey of change, it is still easy to fall into the same faulty behavioral patterns that Portia Nelson talks about. It’s good to review her words again.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I’m not as helpless and lost as I was at the beginning of the journey. I’ve been lost and had fallen into the same hole quite a few times. This morning I was right on the edge, teetered and stood my ground. Nope! I’m not falling in this time.

Practice. Keep on trying. Let go. Love. Be kind. These are some of the things I need to do over and over. It’s a meditation. It’s living. It is.

SPARE MOMENTS – Day 272 in a year of…

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Day 272 – April 26, 2017 @8:21 am

Today I am focusing on utilizing those spare moments. So here I am – showing up again, remembering that small moments can add up. One of my mother’s favourite say is those drops can fill a bucket. Let me fill my bucket list/drop and cross them off like the 17 year old Becca with terminal brain cancer. I already have had more moments than she ever will. Let me join #beccatoldmeto have faith, to be kind.

We do not have to be special. We can just be.do.whatever.however much.we.can.each.moment.each.day. The bucket will fill a drop at a time. At the end of the day, I will have done that much more, be that much fuller, satisfied…I will have a sense of movement, that I have gotten up, dressed up and showed up. It’s enough to celebrate.

THERE ARE NO FAILURES – Day 271 in a year of…

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Day 271 – April 25, 2017 @9:28 am

I’ve learned recently that there are no failures in life. You get different results. Sometimes they are better than the intended and the longed for ones. We are so blindsided with wants, goals and dreams. Sometimes we cannot see a good thing even when it slaps us in the face.

I like to think that each day is perfect unto itself – no matter sunshine or clouds. We need sun to grow and thrive but we also need the clouds with its rain. I’m learning to welcome each day as is. There’s always a light through the darkness. Every cloud has a silver lining. Being the human that I am, there are and will be days that I will cry and fight against it. That’s okay. That is my nature. It will pass and I will be tranquil once more. I will take up the word and continue to tap, tap,tap here. I want to bring light and hope with them. I want to urge you on to make your world just a little better each day.

I’m baking bread this morning – back to 6 loaves again. Making good use of the oven. I’ve never failed. Well, one time my dough never rose at all. I think I killed the yeast with too hot a water. Sheba had lovely doggy biscuits forever and a day. I made pita bread with it and was nice and crispy. It made for wonderful pizza crusts, too. So you see, ‘failure’ has its reward.

SHOWING UP – day 270 in a year of…

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Day 270 – April 24, 2017 @1:40 pm

I’m listening and heeding my own advice. I need to show up and do – even if it’s a little to succeed. I’m counting my blessings that I am still here, standing/sitting, tap, tapping away at the keyboard. It’s grand to feel their rhythmic breathing beneath my fingertips.

I am grateful for the flowers my friend gave me. I light a candle for another. That’s how it is. We take care of each other in whatever way we can. It’s enough. What more can we ask of each other? I take the gift and hold it close to my heart. I say a prayer and send it forth to heal and comfort. It is what I can do – prayers and love.

The day is cool and grey. I turn on my inner light. I turn on my inner power. I walk, jump, shuffle. I line dance. I pump iron. I can do those planks but not quite the pushups. It’s okay. I’m building up my muscles. I’m building up my resolve. I can. I can – show up.

SUCCESS – Day 269 in the year of…

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Day 269, April 23, 2017 pm

One way of guaranteeing success is showing up and doing. Here I am. I will dispense with the fancy words and fancy pictures. But if they do pop up, I will use them.What is new for me today? David Whyte’s piece on Rest. It’s what I am trying to attain. He says it so well. So here it is:

I’ve been striving too hard to obtain whatever. Now I want to live into that essance of giving and receiving. It is the breathing in and the breathing out. That is what I have to remember, to come back to over and over when I have wandered into the exhausted, in wanting and striving for it all. I have forgotten about the pause and empty spaces. They are beautiful notes that pull everything together. I am remembering them today.

AFTERNOONS – DAY 268 in a year of….

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Day 268, April 22, 2017 @6:07 pm

A week has passed since I’ve been here. I’m doing the best I can. My Income Tax is done but not sent. Enough time left for that. I like to hang on to my money for just a little longer. I am not a fan of afternoons. It is rather funny since I was not a morning person naturally. Somehow I got converted. I wasn’t Catholic either but I converted to that, too. Goes to show anything is possible. But I am a somewhat inactive Catholic.

IMG_3530I feel and do the best mornings. There’s a rhythm when you get up. There’s an order to it. You dress, show up and do your stuff. Then noon comes. I am okay getting lunch on the plate and all that. It’s uphill after that. Sometimes getting the dishes done and things put away are monumentally difficult. I moan and groan inside. My body and brain hurts and I have to tend to each task one.at.a.time. I would like to drop everything. But a person can’t do that, can they? Surprisingly things do get done. I wonder how and why it feels hard. There’s no answers. I already take vitamins. Some days are harder than others.

I am tending to change how to tackle my afternoons so that I can enjoy them. What can I do different? Perhaps it is more my thinking that needs changing. Perhaps I don’t need to be thinking and doing so seriously all the time. I’ve been scheduling in a 40 minute body scan a couple of afternoons. The first time lasted only 22 minutes. Interrupted by the pesky dog barking. I was more successful today, having closed all the blinds so she can’t see people walking by. Having 40 minutes of nothing feels wonderful. I shall do that 2-3 afternoons a week.

My concentration is poor now. I will call it quits for now. Maybe I can show up again tomorrow with another thought for improving my afternoons.

LASSITUDE – day 261 in a year of…

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Day 261, April 15, 2017 @2:48 pm

Lassitude is painful and difficult to overcome, especially if the dog is barking incessantly at you. My brain is already foggy and spongy like a swamp. Her noise adds another layer of mud to it. I had to bribe her with a chew.

I am trying to get back to my words. Not trying to recover lost ground but to start from where I am. Today is day 261 of my year of doing different. I have been absent here for 21 days. Life happens. I’ve been busy. I’m trying to be flexible. I have so many reasons and excuses. The thing is I haven’t shown up here though I’ve been marking my journey on Instagram. If you are still following my year, you can still find me here on the Instagram sidebar.

My year has been full of ruts and repetitive errors. Change is difficult, even in thinking. It is most difficult in thinking because if we could think different, we could do different. With 100 days in the year, I’m paying more attention, putting a little more oomph into the push. I know I am changing, getting stronger bit by bit. I’ve pushed through some of my lassitude today, finishing some started projects. The trick is to set the intention and to do it now. That was what I did this morning. Instead of sitting and brooding, feeling my fatigue, I descended the stairs to my workspace. And here she is, my Petite Fille, almost finished.

A small success can give me a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. It can give me some momentum to take the laundry down, fold and put them away. And now to do the dishes.

REGRETS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS – Day 240 in a year of

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Day 240 -March 25, 2017 @11:02 am

It’s Saturday, my favourite day. It was sunny but the clouds have come. I am enveloped in grey – perfect for having regrets and disappointments. How do I draw or paint it though? These days I am caught up in a whirlwind of emotions of excitement of discovery and melancholia of vulnerability and impermance. There are things I have absolutely no control of. We talk of acceptance but it is no easy to come by.

I am regretting that I did not go for my Saturday morning swim. It’s the only time that I am most guaranteed a lane of my own. It’s my zen moment of the week. Why didn’t I go? My body cried for not-going- anywhere time. It yearned for time to laze in the morning sun, perhaps to read a few pages, to sketch at leisure. I had to choose. Sometimes my mind is in a frenzy of choices. So. I. Just. Stayed. Put.

Regret and disappointments are human traits. We have that ability to cast our eyes and minds back, regretting and feeling disappointed with ourselves, others and choices. It’s hard to stop yourself. My different today is recognizing that and accepting. It’s okay to regret and feel disappointed but Don’t. Just. Stay. There. Go forth. What was it that I wanted the time for instead of swimming?

My morning sketch at leisure. Reading a few pages. Being here in this moment, tap, tapping out a few words. It’s been difficult to show up. The game is if I fall, wander off the path, to come back again and again to this – my life, words, and loves.

MAKING DIFFERENT – Day 229 in a year of….

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Day 229, March 14, 2017@2:09 pm

DASU4902These days, it’s hard to bring out the paint and the words. Things do not flow but I still stutter, dab and poke along. A sentence is strung. A picture evolves. Some seeds are planted and some are ordered. I have learned to love this process of eking, drip dropping. I am not at a standstill. I am making progress like the tortoise. There is no need to rush. The finish line will come soon enough.

I am learning to reframe, review and widen my lens in this year of doing different. It’s so easy to fall back into easy and same olds. It’s equally easy to do a different thing. It’s easy to do the same in a different way. The hard part is being mindful and staying the course. The thing to remember is we are all the same. We all struggle. No one is perfect. We all fall off the path. It’s the falling that wakes us. It’s an opportunity to learn and change.

day 1I’ve been obsessed with making art this past year, starting with a 100 day challenge of making art every day. Here’s my day 1. I went the whole 100 days, making little arts and then bigger ones. A year later, I’m taking some online classes. They have helped immensely. Now I can talk the talk and walk the walk. I’ve been just talking about my passion for 30 years or so.

Whatever I learn from making art, gardening and whatever…all help to make a better me. Making, doing different keeps us from falling asleep at the wheel. It energizes and motivates me. I learn to see with different eyes, listen with different ears and speak with different softer words. Here’s some of my wonky creations with left hand and sometimes with eyes closed.

 

From doing different, I am different – capable of making wonky art.

CLOUDS AND SILVER LINING – Day 225 in a year of….

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Day 225, March 10, 2017 @10:33 am

A few days have lapsed since day 2002. My needs are still the same. I am still a clutterbug. The difference is I feel empowered. No longer quite as helpless. No longer a victim. I can help myself. I can work my way out of a wet paper bag if need to. I am learning and progressing in my year of doing different.

Sometimes you just have to stare fear right in the eye. It’s better than being trapped in helplessness, shaking like a leaf in the wind. Some things you cannot change or avoid. That’s all there is to it. You might as well face the music and do the things you most dread – taking/being responsible. You might find it the most freeing thing. The shackles open and fall off. You can move, think and have a plan of action. You find yourself smiling and feeling pliant, moving to your heart’s demands.

On days like these, the sun is always shining. Life is clear as crystal. You can see and feel through all sides of your life. You feel blessed and wondered why you have fought against all of this so hard. This moment is so peaceful. You see all the smiles and kindness bestowed without asking.

It is fleeting. You accept it, knowing it will come again and again. It is the nature of the universe. Our days on earth are short and breathtakingly beautiful as well as painful. Storm clouds gather at the horizon. But there’s always a silver lining. Look for it.