COURAGE AND FEAR – Day 160 in the year of…

Posted on January 2, 2017 by hafong

Day 160, January 2, 2016 @5:30 pm

I am finally reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic after buying it a year ago. I’m making progress reading just a few pages each day. The profound thing for me is her description of courage. Having courage does not mean you are fearless. Fearless people are sometimes rash and reckless. Courage is when you carry on despite the fear. I like the idea of not fighting it but to make space for it. Let it be a companion but not to let fear drive you. I feel its presence but it’s not running me.

I’m making slow magic, bit by bit, stroke by brush stroke each day. They build on each other. There’s a timidity in them but one day, my courage is going to be BIG and I will let my brushes have their way. They will whoosh across the canvas in brave broad strokes and in bold colours. It will happen. Meanwhile I’m learning my craft, experimenting with the magic, building my confidence, making peace with my fear.

My angels are around me on this 160th day in my year of doing different, on this 2nd day of 2017. I hear the whisper of their wings as they hover near. Peace be with everyone.

TAP DANCING – Day 159 in a year of…

Posted on January 1, 2017 by hafong

Day 159, January 1, 2017 @9:13 am

Here it is, the first day of a new year. The morning is still dark though there is a rosy glow in the eastern sky. I’m sitting here hoping to tap out something profound. I am stuck though, mistaken in my belief that today is special. It is just another day. It is us who gives it meaning. The day has no power. It cannot give me wings to fly. It is I who must grow and power those wings.

I shall sit and tap. Maybe magic will come to these fingers. They will fly over the keyboard, leaving words of wisdom and courage. My hands are feeling weak and limp. My head and heart faint. I cannot blame it on late night celebrations and fireworks. I can only say it is the way I am in this moment, wishing for magic with no wand. I have only my fingertips and the keyboard. I shall do the best tap dance I can. Maybe I need another cup of tea for fuel.

I’m back with my tea. I can tap a few more sentences. I’m weak and limp with the fear of change. I hang on to my paper clutter because they are bills and receipts. They are RECORDS in WRITING. How foolish – as if records can protect me from anything or anyone. There! I’ve said it outloud. I have gathered a small box of such faux protection last night. They will be shredded in a few minutes. Every day in January I will do a little bit. I know the power of every day small.

GRACE AND A GRUMPY CHERUB – Day 149-150 in a year of..

Posted on December 31, 2016 by hafong

Day 149 – 158, December 31, 2016 @2:15 pm

10 days have passed since my last post – the longest lapse in this year of doing different. I have, at least, marked the days through my Instagram snapshots. The doing/thinking different have not been forgotten and laid wasted on life’s roadside. I’m still trudging on the path during these cloudy December days. I’m showing up here on the last day of the year.

It’s a year of ups and downs, highs and lows, hot and cold, dry and wet. It’s a year like any other, full of changes, good times and bad. It’s the year that I’ve really come to recognize that I am an adult in charge of my life and that my time is limited. I’m closer to that end of the roll of toilet paper where it unravels faster and faster. If things are not to my liking, what can I do to change it, if I can?

That is how I’ve embarked on this year of doing different. Each day, I try to do/think a little different, not stepping into the same pothole down the same road. It’s led me to a challenge of painting on the same canvas for 30 days. The challenge travelled the same path I was already on. Making little brush stroke changes each day over 22 days can change the whole picture in the end. The ‘mistakes’ guide me to make better. What a beautiful picture/life we can create over time with willingness and a little effort. I am satisfied with my Grace (I have named her) in 22 days.

Today I have started another canvas. I am not pleased with it at all. So dark and gloomy! I will have to perform magic to make it beautiful. But it does have the beginning look of a cherub, though a grumpy and pouty one. I shall be patient with my brush strokes and give it 30 days. She shall make Grace a delightful companion for 2017. We could all use a companion to make our treads on this earth a little lighter and brighter. Happy New Year everyone!

GRACE – Day 148 in a year of…

Posted on December 20, 2016 by hafong

Day 148 – December 20, 2016 @2:27 pm

I’m sitting here in gratitude for having the wisdom to embrace change. It took me long enough. It’s better late than never. It’s 5 months into the journey of doing a little different each day. I’m seeing the light of how big and momentous those little things are. They are magical and transforming, sending me down The Yellow Brick Road towards The Land of Oz.

grace They led me toward discovering my abilities, skills and forgotten loves. They drew me to participate in the Judy Wise Challenge of painting on one canvas for 30 days. All roads do lead to Rome! After 2 weeks of doing so, I see alchemy at work.

I started out in the Garden of Eden with snakes and vipers, went through various storms and struggles. Today on day 15, Grace emerged. She is no longer the sinful Eve, fleeing from Eden. Eyes wide open, She recognizes her strength and worth. She is still growing.

What will tomorrow bring? I don’t know. It’s a mystery. A little tweak of a brush, a lighter shade of purple, a darker shade of brown…little changes. Profound results can happen.

EVOLVING- Day 146 – 147 in a year of…

Posted on December 19, 2016 by hafong

Day 146 – 147, December 19, 2016 @12:20 pm

Cloudy day. Our minus 30s degree C have climbed to – 3 C overnight. Life is still hard. I feel the changes of temperature rising in my physical body. I lack the energy of the EverReady Bunny. There is no good news. The Russian ambassador to Turkey has been fatally shot. The world seems to be imploding. Still the earth spins on its axis as always. And I must too.

It is another day in this year of doing different. I bring out my brushes. I bring out my paints. I make little strokes here and there. Sometimes I make big splashes. I change the colour. I change the hue – sometimes subtle, sometimes bold. There are no mistakes in painting. There are no mistakes in life. I rather think of them as lessons. They teach me to let up, change directions, change whatever I need to. That’s what is called evolution. It just take little changes each day. Look what can happen in 14 days.

After all this, I am not sure if I am happy with how I am evolving. Tomorrow is another day. Evolution never stops.

RESTLESS DAYS, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS – Day 141-145…

Posted on December 17, 2016 by hafong

Days 141- 145, December 17, 2016 @0300 am

I’m losing track of the days. Why is it when life happens, it happens in bunches? I’m not losing heart. I’m just a little bit fed up. I have spirit, just not the right kind at the moment. Please pardon me. What I know for sure is you cannot evade life. It finds you, no matter what crook or cranny you are hiding in. It demands to be lived. It demands you solve all the hitches that comes with it.

It’s a big gift, this life. I know it. I’m living it best I can, staring right at the heart of things, not avoiding anything, not expecting anything. I’m plodding along, pushing one foot in front of the other. I’ve hit a hard spot, a pothole in the road. But I’m out of the hole and doing down a different path. I’m learning after all these days in the year of doing different.

I’m not fighting the busy days. I take them as they come. I’m making use of these sleepless nights to enjoy the quiet. No use wrestling with myself in bed, checking time, time and time again. Worries and fears magnify behind my sleepless eyes and I am like a pretzel after a couple of hours. So here I am at my keyboard, tapping and breathing out my words. Sheba is ever present, watching over me.

I will have a little more herbal tea and go back to bed. The dishes are unloaded from the dishwasher. I’ve cleared off the dining table. I’ve done my qigong routine and feeling relax. Much better than struggling for sleep. I will try for better tomorrow. All things pass.

THE SCREAMER – day 138-140 in a year of……

Posted on December 12, 2016 by hafong

Day 138 – 140, December 12, 2016 @4:52 pm
Some days I wonder: For what purpose was I born? Today, I wonder that and: For what purpose am I doing this year of change? Today, I wonder: Have I made any difference? What I know for sure today is: I am not in a peaceful happy space. Today, I wonder: What do these people want from me? What does the world want? When will everything just blow up since there is so much PUNCH, BANG, KA-KA-KA out there? Why don’t we just get it over with – delete and start again. If only it is as simple as that. And so, I continue to sling paint onto the canvas. I could get bolder and throw fistfuls at it. I can be the New Age Edvard Munch. I wish that it was me who had painted The Scream. I want to scream.

I’m not that far gone, as you can see. My painting is nowhere’s near the fright of The Scream. I’m just talking out of my hat/my purple haze. I should have kept the snakes and vipers. Munch is my new hero. I want to paint like him. I quote him –

“No longer shall I paint interiors with men reading and women knitting. I will paint living people who breathe and feel and suffer and love.”

Lofting aspirations, but I am talking out of my hat, through a purple haze. I am one of those knitting women. I wouldn’t want to obliterate me. But who knows. Strange things happen when you put words onto a page.

Guess what? I am feeling better. I’ve stopped screaming. I don’t wonder anymore. What do I care? I just do. I just be. That is purpose enough. Onward, James! Tomorrow is another day. I can anguish some more then.

SELF CARE – Days 135 – 137 in a year of….

Posted on December 9, 2016 by hafong

Day 135 – 137, December 9, 2016 @9:01 pm

It feels like an eon since I was here. How strange to find that it was only a couple of days ago. I can’t even remember what kept me away but it felt huge. That’s what short days and long nights does to me. Extra stress with the cold, especially when the furnace is not working properly. It felt like a monumental problem. But it’s solved. Weight lifted. I am just tired now.

I am learning to value myself. I’m learning self care in this year of doing different. I’ve brought out my earrings. Now I’m bringing out my fine china. I’m sipping tea in my Blue Siam teacup. Why was it just sitting in cabinet all these years? I love the pattern and colour so much. It reminds me of Arabian Nights, The King and I, and all those things exotic like Leonard Cohen’s ‘tea and oranges from China.’

My tea is finished. I’m feeling less tired, my neck and shoulders not so stiff and achy. It’s a magic cup. I wonder if I rub it, would Aladdin appear? I pray and a host of angels are hovering over me. No, I’m not mad nor hallucinating. I believe in the divine. I believe in the spirit of truth and goodness. I believe in me. I can. I can.

Good night.

HUMBLE PIE – Day 134 in a year of…

Posted on December 6, 2016 by hafong

Day 134 – December 6, 2016 @8:40 pm

Sometimes I am arrogant in my happiness of the moment. You know what will happen. I got knocked down. It is okay. Everything passes. Everything changes. I am in a year of doing different, making changes. I am not going down that same road of reaction to the moment. I am eating humble pie. I bow my head in acquiesce. Once more I am listening to spiritual guidance.

Always, I seek the truth. I need to purge what is not true. I am getting a grip on myself. I am not special. I am just an ordinary human on this planet living a humble life. I am governed by the rules of this planet. Not everything is about me. I’m trying to discover what my beliefs are. What are my truths? What changes do I need to make to align myself with my truths? How can I act congruently?

Hmm. Enough self contemplation. God is not ready to deliver all the answers tonight. But I am listening. I’m open for guidance. But it’s time to say good night.

STOP IT! Day 133 in a year of…..

Posted on December 5, 2016 by hafong

Day 133 – December 5, 2016 @5:42 pm

I am here. Now what? What shall I talk about? How nothing’s right, but nothing is wrong either? Where do I go now, I who is always at crossroads. At least wherever I go, Sheba is with me. She is pure. No resentments. No grudges. If I give her a tidbit of a treat, it’s as if I had given her a steak. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I/we could be that joyous and thankful, our tails wagging back and forth?

I’m waiting and tapping, waiting and tapping. Which way to go? This way? That way? What to do? This? That? I can hear Carolyn Myss in my head, screaming: Stop it! Stop it! I’m going to listen. I’m stopping it – the wondering and wandering. I’m staying and tapping words, songs and prayers of peace.

May I find courage. May I find strength. May I find the words and wisdom. May I find silence. May I find and give compassion. May I love and be loved. And may I be safe. And may you also have all these things.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity