THIS EVERY DAY THING

Posted on by
8

Here I am, back in this space, tapping out my words and thoughts. It’s easy to let go of things, routines, habits, dreams and desires. I always have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and rise from my ever present inertia. It is easy for me to go with the flow but it is not good for me. I have to row against the tide. Otherwise I will be just treading water,  to keep from drowning in the sea of clutter and unfinished projects. The Jesus cross stitch is one of many. I’ve started it many years if not decades ago. My starts are in fits – weeks, months and years apart. I will have to do better than that to get it finished. I can do better. I can work on it for 20 minutes a day to see what results I get. I will start now.

I am surprised that I can get in quite a few stitches in 20 minutes. I am now on day 2 of my project of getting things done. I’m applying the same method to read the Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD, 20 minutes/day. I’m being accountable by being here, tapping out the results. I’m going through some emotional turmoils today. I’m being mindful, observing my feelings in the moment, not running away from them. But I do not want them to colour me for the rest of the day and forever. I’m implementing small moments to interrupt my blues. There’s many short inspiring videos on YouTube that does the trick for me. Oprah is very cheerful and peppy.

What works the best for me is, of course, getting up and making that cuppa. It changes my posture and my environment. I have to get up and go to the kitchen to put the kettle on. My thoughts and emotions get a short interruption. It’s like that for me today. But I have the Jesus stitches in and the reading done. A few squares of free motion stitching on my table cloth are done without mishap. I’ve started an index card painting and am trying to finish this post. I’m still singing the blues on and off but the important thing is I can turn it off. It’s good enough.

SHIT HAPPENS

Posted on by
Reply

It is March. We’ve left cold, cold February behind. The days are longer. The temperature is more moderate. The snow piles in the back alleys are slowly going down, revealing a lot of dog poo left behind by dog owners not looking after their shit. I see it on sidewalks as well. It does make me wonder and shake my head. I DO the responsible thing and pick up but I have been attacked more than a few times without probable cause. Not only that, I got yelled at once for making sure I got every piece that Sheba left, bagged and put in the garbage. The trouble was, I had put it in HER garbage bin in the back alley.

I was so surprised to hear this loud tapping as I was putting the doggy bag into the garbage. I felt like a deer in headlight. I looked up to see this woman in her window gesturing wildly at me and the bag fell out of my hand into HER garbage bin. She rushed to the door and flung it open. Her porky face was all red. “You don’t put your dog’s mess into my garbage!” She yelled. I was mesmerized, still a deer in headlights. Wow! It was like watching a movie. She got so upset that I was so careful kicking the snow to find all Sheba’s shit to bag and put into the garbage. It was February, the coldest February in the last 80 years. It will be frozen within minutes. What was the worry? Her bin was in the alley, city property.

I wonder if my emotions had been frozen by the temperature. I was unusally calm. I smiled at her, apologized and promised never to do it again. It left me with such a good feeling because I am normally a very reactive person. Maybe I have learned to tame and curb my reactiveness after all these long years. I still have that tape playing in my head, the loud tap, tapping on the window like a woodpecker’s. I see her chunky body in the door frame, her flushed fleshy face and her anger. All that because I had picked up and bagged my dog’s shit and put it in the garbage bin.

I wonder if I’ve myself  behaved similarly. The answer is probably yes. How silly and trivial anything is, is all in the eye of the beholder and reactor. But I did swear after that incident, that I would be a little more discerning about the shit I lose my temper and sanity to. Some shit is just not worthy to lose my gasket and health over. I am sure I lose bits and pieces of myself when I do that. I am going to stop reacting and retaliating. I’m going to rethink and respond instead. I know I will fail some days. Then I will try to forgive myself. I’m learning about self care and the ADHD in me as well.

 

STARTING AND STOPPING

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve recently recognized myself as having ADHD when I was listening to The Current on CBC Radio. Since then I’ve been listening to many lectures by Dr. Russell Barkley,  an internationally recognized authority on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) in children and adults. You can find them on his website or on YouTube. Rick Green is a Canadian comedian, satirist, actor, writer, and advocate for awareness of adult ADD. He is most well-known as co-creator of The Red Green Show. His website totallyadd.com contains a wealth of information.

So what have I done since I became aware of it in myself besides gathering all this information? I’ve been proactive in putting them into use since executing is my huge problem. Starting and stopping is also difficult for me. To stop overwhelm, I break things into small parts. To make a start in this space, I tap out a word, then a sentence. Sometimes it works. When it doesn’t, I get up and make myself a cuppa to settle the aggitation in my head.

I’m especially having trouble today. Not feeling super. I have so many f***king disorders. I’m not liking this sudden change to warmer temperatures. What a thing to complain about, eh?  It’s a reality with me so I am learning to somehow thrive despite everything. I’m writing in that one inch picture frame  that Anne Lamott talks about in Bird by Bird. It’s a very good book on writing and living. She writes:

“E.L. Doctorow said once said that ‘Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’ You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have ever heard.”

I agree! It is the best dang advice for me, too. On many days I can’t see the whole picture, not the whole enchilada. I have to take a small bite at a time or else I could end up in a screaming malfunction. It’s not a pretty picture. I’m getting close to that point now. But before I stop, let me tell you that I’ve taken apart my Dyson Stick vacuum and cleaned all the parts and put them back together. A few days ago I phoned the company for a replacement part that was not working. I was delighted to find that I still have 7 months left on my warranty. The call took only minutes. In the past, I would not or could not have gotten there. Progress! But I have to keep at it.

THE DIABETES IN MY BRAIN

Posted on by
1

I feel somewhat like Humpty Dumpty after his great fall. I am broken but I think I can put myself back together again. Last week I had this huge light bulb moment. It was at least 100 watts. I was sewing and listening to The Current on CBC radio. I heard this guy talking about his ADHD. He has this inability to hang up his towel to dry properly after a shower. It gets dropped to the floor. How he copes with this problem is to throw the towel in a hamper. That way,  it would get laundered.

I perked up when I heard inability to pick up the towel. It might sound strange to people but not to me. I know that feeling well. Mine inability does not pertain to bath towels but other dropped objects. I have often wondered why it is so hard for me to bend down and pick it up. In my head it seems like an easy thing to do. In reality, I would look at it, walk around it, etc. for quite awhile before I could do it. It feels like a physical agony to bend over to pick up the object. I’ve often wondered about this peculiarity in me. It’s a relief to find that I’m not alone.

I’m glad to learn that it’s a brain thing. I probably knew that all along. What else could it be? I have no physical disability. But it’s been a huge struggle with ADL (activities of daily living). That’s what I talk about mostly, day in and day out. The same damn things and I’m almost still in the same damn spot. Not much improvement at all. It’s not that I don’t know what to do. I’ve done lots of research. I have lots of info, lots of how to. I’ve read a lot of books. Done lots of workshops.

The thing with me is: I know what to do but I fail at the performance point. I have to stop wasting my time gathering more instructions and information and use my time and energy to DO and follow through. I am just copying and pasting like in FB otherwise. I am not doing a damn thing towards my goal of executing an action. I’ve never really thought of myself having ADHD at all until now. But I answer a resounding YES to all these questions:

  • Do you have trouble paying attention and are you easily bored or distracted?
  • Is it hard for you to get organized?
  • Do you have trouble starting or finishing projects?
  • Do you dread paperwork and have trouble keeping up with your mail?
  • Do you frequently lose or misplace important items such as your keys or wallets?
  • Are you often late paying your bills and so charged with extra fees?
  • Do you frequently feel restless, have trouble relaxng and find that you have to keep busy all the time?
  • Do you need to change jobs more than others or have “too many interests”?
  • Do you interrup others when they are speaking or blurt things out even when you don’t want to?
  • Is it hard for you to manage your time well or not be chronically late?
  • Are you often bored, impatient, easily frustrated, or have trouble with emotional ups and downs?

These questions are from The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD. The author advises to do something different and not to skip the introductions or skip ahead. I am already having trouble with that. I often skip ahead. Sometimes I read the ending before I could finish the book. I think I have ADHD bad. I am a high functioning malfunctional person. On the outside I could pass for a successful person. I have done well in school and on the job. I’ve paid a high price for it. Now I want life not to be so difficult.

Having a name to my ‘condition’ and that aha moment helps alot. I’m on a mad tear on learning as much as I can. I have trouble starting and equal difficulty in stopping as well. Dr. Russell Barkley’s lectures on YouTube on ADHD are excellent. He calls ADHD the diabetes of the brain. It is a chronic condition. I’m going to stop here while I can.

 

SLIP SLIDING AWAY

Posted on by
2

Nowadays I find myself asking the question of for what purpose to many things. The biggest being: For what purpose was I born? Then there are those endless smaller ones. Why am I doing anything? I feel as if I’ve lost purpose and heart.  I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole. And so now I am tapping out my anguish bland state of mind. If I don’t, would my mind have the energy to work up a frenzy?

There’s seems to be a purpose for words though, for the tapping of the keyboard. It feels much like a resuscitation of my will, my heart and mind. It is a mystery how it works. Perhaps there’s acupressure points on my fingertips. Whatever and however, I am grateful for a little revival of my spirit. I don’t quite have enough passion to work up a sweat yet. Who knows where the next tap will lead. The point is, I’m moving some body parts. Fingers count. Talking about fingers, I do have some good news. The pain is gone from my left hand. Hallelujah! I’ve had it since May – 10 months ago. It’s almost enough reason to feel joy.

Dang! February is hard. There’s more warnings for extreme cold temperatures for the next while. We did not really feel it today. It being so calm and sunny. Sheba and I went for our twice daily walks. She even hollowed out a nest in the snow and laid in it in the afternoon. Perhaps she thought she was an Eskimo.

It is another day, another cold one. It was -31 Celsius this morning. Driving across the bridge, I could not see far ahead, not beyond to the other side. The mist from the river and the exhaust from the cars occluded everything. I was thinking of the cold but not about minding it. Instead, I felt grateful that I’m not in other parts of the world that have floods, mud slides, volcanoes, earthquakes and the likes. What’s a little cold? I was sitting snug and warm in my car. I have warm clothes. I was not suffering at all.

The moment of gratitude changed my flat mood and attitude. My thoughts affect how I feel but I do have command of what I think. I can see the glass half full or I can see the glass half empty. I don’t have to think of or see the glass at all. I can just watch my thoughts in my mind like a ticker tape parade. I can watch and let them go, forming no opinions and attaching no emotions. It’s a breakthrough moment.

Breakthrough moments are catalysts for change. I shall not waste it. There are already many moments today when I feel myself slipping, sliding back into old habitual thoughts and feelings. I feel the familiar tugs but I am showing a backbone and resisting. I will not be slip sliding away. I will not be disappearing.

A BROKEN RECORD

Posted on by
Reply

It’s one of those snow falling on cedars days days. The sun is trying to break through the clouds with fluffy white flakes drifting down. It’s kind of pretty, kind of melancholy. Don’t mind me. I’m just a natural born melancholy babe. I’m a broken record. Unfortunately I can’t sing like Judy. But I can dream about somewhere over the rainbow where bluebirds fly and dreams come true.

*************

It’s another day. The sun is out. The sky is bright and clear. I wish my head is too, but alas! It is like a ticker tape with running rhetorics and what have you(s). Ok, I’m being dramatic. I have a sinus cold but nevertheless, my head is thick and hollow at the same time. Nothing coming in and nothing going out.

It is yet another day. I am a broken record. I have lost my way with words and thoughts. It is true. I haven’t been using them, now I’ve lost them. It will be hard work to coax them back. Oh well, I’ve lost heart and passion, too. The world is flat. It will be an uphill climb but I’m up for the challenge. I’ve been forever plodding on this weary road. The habit is in me. It is my Camino de Santiago.

So much for my plans for a heartful February. The best plans of mice and men often go awry. Mine certainly has. It feels that way but feelings are deceiving. Sometimes they are not true. If I am a depressive, I am a highly functional one. What seems like my lowest low can outshine another depressive’s highest high. I’m not bragging nor being facetious. I’m just being truthful. I always try. I’m always on the Camino. It’s just not in me to stop, give up, give in, throw in the towel, pack it in, abandon ship, derail, fall off the wagon…. That’s not how I am.

But I am a melancholic and love sad happy songs. I do wish I could sing. I wish I could sing like this angel.

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

Posted on by
6

So yesterday was Valentines Day, the day of hearts and flowers. As with all other special occasions, I’m slightly out of step. Perhaps I’ve been looking at my half empty glass instead of the half full one. Let’s face it, no matter how you look at it, the glass is only half of what it could be. No matter how many cute quotes you come up with or how positive you are, there must have been times when you’ve felt half empty, haven’t there?

Oh, I know. I had an intention of changing my voice for this heart month of February. I still have that intention but I want to rid the narratives in my head and the questions in my heart. It is really hard to be not who I am. Maybe I should give up trying to sound like someone else. I am who I am, of Asian flavour – the sum total of my heritage, upbringing and western influence. I should examine how all these influences have affected who I am and how I have felt about myself.

********************

So it is three days post Valentines Day. I’m more out of step than I realize but I want to finish my conversation here. Life happens as they say. It’s gotten the best of me for now. I’m tired and lacking energy and drive. The well is dry. All I want to do the last couple of days is curl up with my blanket and watch Downton Abby on Netflix. Right now I want to fall asleep. I’ve lost heart in February. Ah! Sometimes the best laid plans do not work. I will throw up my hands and say, oh well and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

 

I’VE FALLEN INTO THAT DAMN HOLE AGAIN

Posted on by
6

I’m repeating myself, but February is heart month. To have heart is to have courage. Sometimes Many times I feel such a lacking in myself. I have not taken the helm. I’m blown hither and thither in the winds of life. I have been so disengaged, living in my head mostly. I haven’t even noticed. I’ve said so many “it doesn’t matter” and “good enough”. Suddenly I woke up today to find that it does matter. I matter and I won’t settle for good enough. Things have to be better or I will not be able to move forward. I shall be forever walking down the same f**ing street in Portia Nelson’s poem.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I am very disappointed and angry with myself. I have been lazy. There’s no other reason. It’s hard work to have a life. I have gotten up, dressed up and shown up every day. But I have not put in the effort to do the hard work. I thought I have but I hadn’t. How the view changes as I wake up from my sleep. I have found some courage on the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City. I have to work and strengthen my heart and keep my brain clear not to regress and fall into the same frigging hole. I will avoid those 2 idiot phrases from my speech as much as possible. No, I must delete them completely.

Now if I was to fall into the rabbit hole with Alice, it might be more fun, revealing and helpful.

 

 

I GOTTA HAVE HEART

Posted on by
2

February – you are the heart month but you are also the coldest month so far. How am I suppose to keep heart? My fingertips are cracked and bleeding from the chill. That will teach me to take my gloves off to capture your icy beauty with my camera. I wince with each tap on the keyboard. It is worth it though. It all helps to give me heart, to keep it beating, to perfuse me with a creative force. It helps to have added purpose for Sheba’s and mine daily walks.

Keeping heart is sometimes hard for me. I feel things deeply – the highs and the lows. I bounce around like a rubber ball. I can run hot and cold at the same time. You might call me a HSP, a highly sensitive person. I fit the descriptions very well. I have all the 21 signs, most notably the need for alone time and absorbing other people’s feelings. Hell, all 21 points are strong in me.

I’ve never really checked into it before now. Maybe understanding myself better will help me to navigate life better. I hope it will lead to having an easier time relating to others and managing my emotions. Dang, life is frigging hard! There’s still things to learn no matter how old I am. I’m all for it. Bring it on.

I wonder why I have such a hard time. I guess it’s that HSP part in me. I feel too much. Why must I? I don’t like it one bit. Too bad, says the big guy in the sky. That’s who you are. Live with it. And so I must. Everything, no matter how small, that I can do for myself will help. At the end of it, they will be monumental, the very things that can tip an iceberg. So I gotta have heart, keep plugging away and put one foot in front of the other. I’m on the Yellow Brick Road. I want to find the Land of Oz and the Emerald City. I will follow Dorothy and her motley crew- the Scarecrow, The Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. Onward ho!

HEART SONGS

Posted on by
5

I’m grateful for no snow overnight. I just need a little break from shovelling. However, I’ve just looked up the forecast. It is for more snow and frigid temperature. Oh yay! But really, I’m not all that stressed over it. Sheba is pretty cool about it, too. She’s sitting pretty, waiting patiently for her supper. She’s been a super girl the whole week. She’s very good at keeping me up and going and going. Oops! She’s coming over to give me a gentle nudge. I guess she’s earned her supper. We can go for an earier walk after. I find my energy and mood starts to sag about 3 pm.

I guess I needed my rest. Those words from a few days ago. Chinese New Year is a good day to pick them up again. February is heart month and a month for sowing seeds, ideas, hope and love. My goal for this month is to soften, open and expand my heart. I want to lose my cynicism, pessimism and bitterness. I want to do away with my What does it matters. In this life whatever we put out in the universe matters. Every word, thought and action counts. I’m learning and trying to sing new tunes. I’m inspired by Mattie Stepanek. I thought if a 13 year old boy can sing heartsongs, so can I.

I know it will not be easy. Old habits die hard. But if I set the intention I’m more likely to succeed. If nothing else, I am a hopeful person. I am always open to learn from my own mistakes and to wisdom from others. SuperSoulSunday had a great interview of Norman Lear. He’s over 90 years old and have produced many TV shows – All in the Family, The Jeffersons Sanford and Son, Good Times, Maude Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and One Day at a Time. I like what he says when something is over, it is over. Then it’s time to say next!