I’VE FALLEN INTO THAT DAMN HOLE AGAIN

I’m repeating myself, but February is heart month. To have heart is to have courage. Sometimes Many times I feel such a lacking in myself. I have not taken the helm. I’m blown hither and thither in the winds of life. I have been so disengaged, living in my head mostly. I haven’t even noticed. I’ve said so many “it doesn’t matter” and “good enough”. Suddenly I woke up today to find that it does matter. I matter and I won’t settle for good enough. Things have to be better or I will not be able to move forward. I shall be forever walking down the same f**ing street in Portia Nelson’s poem.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I am very disappointed and angry with myself. I have been lazy. There’s no other reason. It’s hard work to have a life. I have gotten up, dressed up and shown up every day. But I have not put in the effort to do the hard work. I thought I have but I hadn’t. How the view changes as I wake up from my sleep. I have found some courage on the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City. I have to work and strengthen my heart and keep my brain clear not to regress and fall into the same frigging hole. I will avoid those 2 idiot phrases from my speech as much as possible. No, I must delete them completely.

Now if I was to fall into the rabbit hole with Alice, it might be more fun, revealing and helpful.

 

 

6 thoughts on “I’VE FALLEN INTO THAT DAMN HOLE AGAIN

  1. One thing you said that really hits home with me is that it’s hard work to have a life!! That is so true. I’m guessing you have been doing that hard work even when the results haven’t been what you wanted. I believe that with all the reasons not to, sometimes just getting out of bed is a tremendous accomplishment. And hoping for better takes a lot of courage. I admire you!

    1. Thank you so much, Jeanine. We are all in the same boat, facing the same challenges of living. We are having very cold but also very sunny days at present. Surprisingly, the combination makes me feel good.

      Lily

  2. Another great blog, you articulate so well how many of us feel. Terrific poem🙏 As I somehow try to get back into routine which means vacuuming, cooking and life’s family responsibilities I look forward to your thoughts and guidance and of course Sheba’s antics.

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