The truth is life can be tedious, painfully so sometimes – like today. There’s nothing to be done but to bear it. I’m afraid I can’t grin. It is entirely my own fault, having slept too much when we were in the woods. It was so delicious, curled up in the soft fluffy comforter. But when you sleep 9 – 10 hours each night for a couple of nights, it catches up with you. You guess it. I had a restless, not much sleep last night.
I’m paying for it today – feeling not quite kosher, achy, limbs heavy like cement. Sheba does not understand ‘tired’. When it is time for her walk, she barks and barks. I have to get up. I have to make the effort. We go around the block. She does her business. She’s happy and we’re home.
I’m doing my business, too. I’m moving one foot in front of the other. I’m doing one thing at a time. I disregard how I feel and move, however fast I can managed it. At the end of the day, I can say: I am not behind. I’m right where I should be. Some days even when everything in my body hurts and I’m as tired as all get out, it still feel good to move. I guess you call it rising and answering the call.
I’m happy I’m still making it here. Till tomorrow.
This month marks a new chapter for me. I have 3 full years of retirement behind me. No more shift work, no more sleep deprivation, no work stress to complain about. It’s time for me to shift my focus away from all that and be here for me. Life calls and wherever I go, there I am.
Oh, it’s that mellow time of day when the beer comes out. It’s too warm to light a fire. I’m feeling pretty mellow but I can still tap, tap on my phone. I can still follow directions and knit.
Sometimes I feel I’ve been in denial and fear most of my life. This is my brave moment – the awaking and seeing clearly and acknowledging. It is a great moment. At last, maybe I can let go of the frivolous, little petty things and be free to live the authentic life. That’s what I’m thinking, sitting before the fire, listening to the flames crackle, telling their stories to me.
Some days it is hard to find time to be here and document my year of doing different. I’m making that time because I see the value of it as my days are evolving.
The day finds me struggling a little with the changing season. The shift of the earth on its axis, changing the temperature, sunlight, the wind, the everything. Sometimes I forget that change is all around us, every minute, every second of every day.
Day 36, a perfect golden August day of warm breezes and sunshine. Nothing to work on, no wants, no worries, no needs. Everyone deserves such a day once in awhile. When it comes your way, seize it. It’s an opportunity to sooth and rejuvenate yourself.
Egad! I am here in this space in the same state of mind as yesterday. Not any earlier either. It is habit that has enabled me to be here. A well worn groove in 35 days. If it would help my fatigue, I would scream. It wouldn’t. I’m grinning and bearing and faking it. I hope I make it soon. In the mean time I’ll just keep moving and faking it. In Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, Dr. Ratey states the results are the same (good) even if you don’t feel enthusiastic while exercising. So I am kicking up my heels and pumping my arms to the music of Mama Mia and following our instructor, Val. Monkey see, monkey do is do-able.
Then I sat down with my cup of tea and my book. I felt I’ve really earned it today. It is a very good book. Hard to put down. I finished my tea. Then it was wine and cheese. It is amazing I’ve show up. See, I could feel whatever I feel. It doesn’t have to affect the result. How are you doing? What are your results?
I am a terrible procrastinator. I don’t get a lot done because I delay and postpone everything by having a cup of tea/read a chapter/rest/anything else first. Then I would tackle the task for a little while and repeat the tea, read, etc. My different today was to cut out all the delaying crap. I got to the heart of the issue – tasks first, then reward.
I was surprised by pleasure in hanging the laundry out in sunshine amid my tomatoes. I felt this smile filling me up from the inside as I hung each article. Pretty silly, right? It felt so delicious standing and hanging each wet article to be kissed dry by the sun. I stored the feeling and memory in my body and mind. I will call upon it to help me the next time inertia hits me.
