Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am suffering a little winter and what-have-you fatigue. The only music in my head today is “the day the music died“. It’s a line from Don McLean’s song Miss American Pie. The song is about the day Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J. P. Richardson died in a plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959. It’s an interesting story and a fascinating song. I still have the LP American Pie. On this November day, it reminded me of the day JFK was assassinated. We will never know the truths of the assassination or the song.
I’m not exactly a cheerful bunny today, am I? It’s probably a hangover from yesterdays’s grumpiness not helped with the bad world news creeping in. Today I recognized it as a seasonal-affective-disorder sign and that I should take it easy. Every little thing could be that straw that broke the camel’s back and blast me into outer space. It’s taken me this long to wisen up. When the guy said he was going skiing this morning, I said I’m not. Even though I got all new ski equipment and snow pants, my mind and body wasn’t all that excited. It’s good to have some slow and alone time.
Days like this are so taxing. I’m very very slow today. I must need it and so I listened to my body and mind. I read a romance novel this morning and heated a frozen pizza for lunch. Makes doing dishes easy – 2 plates, 2 forks and knives into the dishwasher. Just a pizza pan to wash by hand. Easy is good once in awhile. I don’t have to be Wonder Woman every day. Not to lose the whole day to idleness, I coaxed myself downstairs to finish shortening my snow pants. It was agonizing at first but once started, I had to finish, right? It is finished and now I can say, it wasn’t so hard after all. And my butt will be warm once I do get out skiing.
I hate making lunches, some days more than others. Today is the more. I was wishing for hamburger helpers, frozen pizzas, take-out…
That was my sole effort yesterday at the keyboard. I am suffering from disillusionment and disenchantment with so much that is called the ‘good life’. I’m singing Peggy Lee’s song Is That All There Is?
But I’m also with her about let’s keep on dancing. Let’s break out the booze and have a ball. I know this is a temporary human phase I’m going through. Let me feel and not deny it. What goes up, must also come down. There is only 7 more days to February and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I will give it my best shot and finish it. Some of my thoughts on it might have changed but finishing has not. It did cross my mind though. I did question why I should finish and what is my purpose anyways. I had no business or service to promote. My tapping was my way of dissipating my stresses. I lost that purpose in the pursuit of more ‘content’. I lost purpose and pleasure in the process.
So let me go back to mumbling. Let me tap out the rhythm and words. The sun is smiling on me. Let me smile back. I have breadcrumbs soaking to make meatballs for lunch. I asked for hamburger helpers yesterday when I had it all along.
Ta-Da! My sweater is finished on the third go around. I can’t recall when I bought the yarn or how long the last start sat in my knitting basket. I do remember that it was before the Internet, Google and iPhones. In short, a long time ago. Checking back through my Instagram photos, I started the latest version on August 15th, this year – a little over 3 months ago. So I can start and go the whole 9 yards. It feels good not to give up and quit, time and time again.
I do have this pattern of quitting on myself, not believing in my own worth. I do things mostly for other people because I don’t want to be a selfish, self-centered person. I did not understand that it is our nature to be self-ish wanting things for ourselves, to look after our needs, to want love and respect. At almost 30, I gave up on part of myself. I left a marriage but never sought a divorce, an ending to an end. Why pay twice? I was never going to marry again. But I’ve paid more than twice for that decision in ways that I don’t even know.
I did not understand this necessity of finishing then. I do now. ‘It’ catches up with you and you have to write ‘the end’ somehow if you want to be free to live the life you want. So – many years after and with divine help, I did write THE END to one chapter. Now I can start on the next chapter, sweater or whatever, in whatever colour, pattern or stitch I want. Knit one, purl one, knit two, purl two….THE END
At the end of 37 days, I am weary of setting intentions daily and following through. At the same time it is getting easier. I’m stretching and reaching my goals. I must be developing new muscles and building stamina. I’m still in the early days of my year. I must keep to the straight and narrow. It is my own doing.
At the end of this day, I have to show – 6 loaves of whole wheat bread and two zucchini loaves. Even if I must say it myself, the zucchini loaf is delicious. It is my first try. They are all packed and put away. The bowls, pans, measuring cups and spoons are washed, dried and in their proper places.
It is wonderful to come to the end of the day with my intended tasks completed from start to finish. It hasn’t always been so. Hooray for me! Are you a finisher?
It rained again today. It was time to bring out my knitting basket. I did say, if it rains again. The basket sat untouched in my closet for a few years now. It holds a lot of knitting needles, wool and not a few unfinished projects – 2 sweaters, 1 scarf and 3 dishcloths. Oh, the dishcloths are finished. They are but small squares.
I can knit, purl, do cables, plain Janes, scarves, dishcloths….I can do many patterns. I can do blankets and even crochet. I can start but completing is another matter. So here’s the thing. In this year of doing different, I’m going to start knitting again. I’m going to knit till I have a finished sweater. I’m choosing a sweater because it is more challenging. It is more creative and creativity can add so much to our lives. Finishing will add self confidence.
But first, I’m going to unravel the sweaters. I have no idea where I have left off with either one or where the patterns are. Same with the scarf. I no longer like the style. My eyes are heavy with sleep. I have to stand up and do something else. Till tomorrow then. Happy knitting if you are inclined.