Tag Archives: writing

I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF

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I can honestly say that today is not a wonderful day. It is hard for me to be happy for no reason or any reason. Certainly I am in no mood to be happy for you, whatever circumstance in life you may be in. I sound like a person with a bad attitude. You can safely say that I am a bad person altogether. It would not bother me.

What I know for sure is I am my own best friend. No one knows me better. No one can take care of me or can make me feel better. And when I am feeling the worst and need a shoulder to cry on, that’s the worst time for me to seek solace from another. It’s the best time to be quiet, not do anything but know that I am ok. There’s no need for action. What else I know for sure is I am human. In the heat of the moment, all good sense run out the door. And I react and do what I told another not to do. And because I know she had the same, experience I sought solace from her. She was kind enough, soft spoken enough but told me that I brought it on myself.

Can I say that I was a little surprised? She went on to say she was happy to welcome me again but not to bring my drama. I can understand that. Really I can. But I had not known her well at all when she knocked on our door a few months ago with her drama, her tears and plea for help. We welcomed her with hugs, offered her tea and gave her help. Not once but on 3 occasions. I remembered hours on the phone listening to her trouble with the same crazy neighbour. I gave her advice of not engaging with her at all. I told her to seek help from the police liaison. I told her all this, and yet I went against my own advice yesterday. I am human, damn it and I engaged, yelled and screamed. I was so frustrated and angry I thought I was going to explode. I thought talking with someone who had a It similar experience would help.

I had no tears and only want to ventilate. I did receive an ear and some soft spoken Christian lecture of where I had erred. It didn’t understood or comforted but it didn’t anger me either. It was rather sobering and eye opening. I am thankful for the encounter. It made me realize how naive and Pollyanna I am. I am always willing with open arms, tea and an ear to another’s distress. I cannot think fast or see far enough to form judgements to lecture. Soothe first is my motto. I am not sorry that I am a Pollyanna or that I am a feeling, reactive person.

I am not happy that I had this episode. I feel bad, as if I had a psychotic episode. My stomach hurts and my thoughts are galloping in tandem with my erratic thoughts. It’s not at all good for my health. Here’s my advice again on dealing with someone like my crazy neighbour. Do not engage. Do not look at her. You will never win. There’s no winning here. I use win for lack of a better word. And here’s why you/ I cannot win.

  • She does not allow me to speak. She will talk over me. She even talks over the police.
  • She’s fixated and hates me and my yard. My raised beds are coffins. She plants pine trees in my/her yard. My solar panels brings down the neighbourhood’s property value.
  • She is always right. She’s very clever and fast changing stories. She has accused me of giving her a parking ticket. When I asked her how I could do that when she parks in her own driveway, she said it was her mother that I gave the ticket to for parking on the sidewalk. She refuses to bring her mother to talk to me when I asked her to.
  • She accused me of sending her a letter last year and she still has it. When I ask her to show it to me, she refused and keep refusing, talking over me the whole time.
  • She accused me of redirecting her mail, writing on them that she has moved.

I could go on forever. And that’s the trouble. Once I’ve engaged, it’s hard to break off. She makes me so angry I keep going back and back, screaming, yelling to no avail but to make myself ill. And I do feel ill. And I have brought upon myself. She is mentally ill. I’m not. She can’t stop but I CAN. BUT there should be something in place so that someone like me should have to be subjected to her antics. It’s bad for my health. The police said that it is not fair to charge a person with mental health. Is it fair to me that she allow to do this to me? It’s going on towards 13-14 years at least. Yes, right. I have to remember I’ve brought this on myself. I really have by thinking less and taking care less of myself than another.

OBSESSIONS, FIXATIONS, ENVY and OTHER VICES

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Sunny Sunday. I hope it’s not a tease and stay for awhile. I’m trying to get a bead on the day and not let it run away on me. I feel like I’ve been on the last of the toilet roll and time is spinning away faster and faster. At the same time, I’m that gerbil on the treadmill to nowhere. It’s no wonder that I’m feeling a little angry and edgy. I know you’re not suppose to go to bed that way. What do you do though when you do? I tried very hard to let go last night but I’m a hanger on type of a girl. I failed and gave in and let myself be. I worried that it was going to be a restless, wakeful night. BUT it was all good. I stay put and practices relaxing each part of my body. The sandman came and took me away.

It rained overnight. Not much but it was enough. It shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. I don’t want to blame the weather for my moodiness but it is better than blaming myself. There was no good reason for it except for physical fatigue. I find gardening very rewarding physically and mentally but it is also very taxing. If I step outside, and I do, I can lose myself for hours in tending to all that is growing. It is hard to stop. I’m a bit obsessive in all things that I love to do. I’m trying to find a healthier balance in all that I do.

I find it hard to put down any book by Jodi Picoult and John Grisham. Having read Picoult’s Salem Falls and Grisham’s The Chamber, I’m hooked on courtroom drama. It’s good that I’ve finished the books now and I can tend to neglected areas I’ve been avoiding. It’s hard to overcome myself. It’s so easy to fall into the pits of least resistance. I wonder at the attraction of famous people. Why are we so curious about them? I don’t think I envy their lives or their glamour but I am guilty of wanting to know every little detail about their lives? Perhaps it is maybe I think so little of mine and myself. Could that be it?

I left to do a few things. One thing led to another. Now I find myself at the end of the day. I’m gathering my thoughts to wrap up this post. One thing for sure is I am happy that we had this time together. I took a few hours away from working on things. I took the time and trouble to sauté my first Sunburst squash for lunch. It was delicious. I watched a comedy called New in Town, starring Renee Zellweger. It was a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. I should do this more often. It interrupts up my obsessive thoughts and eases up my feelings of anger for awhile. It gives me an opportunity to examine the reasons for my feelings. It’s all good.

ON MOVING ON

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I’m beginning the week on the right foot, trying to fulfill my self-made commitment of showing up here 3 times a week – Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’m still feeling pretty relaxed and chilled. I don’t feel compelled to do much of anything. But I do want to move on and not linger, wasting time and energy. It is the hardest thing, this moving on. It is so easy and comfortable being stuck in the habitual. There’s no surprise involved. No loss or gain. Status quo. I’m lucky that I am basically a wallflower but I have a point where I could scream if I don’t break from the same old, same old.

When I get to that point, I push myself outward and forward even though I am scared shitless. That’s how I’ve managed to travel to some distant shores. I clutched my bottle of lithium all the way to Scandinavia once upon a time. I can’t remember how long ago that was. I experienced Denmark, Sweden, Norway and Finland under their influence. Those pills slowed me down and made everything taste terrible, even the water. They made my poop green. I don’t know why, my then doctor put me on them because my later doctor felt they were unnecessary. One was male and the second one female.

Life is hard, strange and wondrously fascinating. There have been many obstacles along the way. I have struggled and had to work hard to keep going. Some days I can hardly move but I have never stopped trying. My philosophy is if you can put one foot in front of the other and do your best, everything will work out somehow. That’s the way you can move on, no matter what. And here I am sitting here tapping. I’ve found the sweet spot again today. From experience I know it won’t be like this every day. Those cloudy days will come again and again. In the same way, the sun will come out and shine again and again. That’s how life is. I’m moving on to another day.

SOULFUL SUNDAY

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Paying respects to our grandparents when all of us were in younger years.

I’m sitting amidst my paper clutter on this sunny Sunday. Not a dark cloud or a drop of rain for a change. No dark clouds from me either. For a change I am not fretting about my clutters or mutters. I am surprisedly at peace with it all. Hallelujah, eh? It would be wonderful if I could retain this chill most of the time. The thing not to do is search for the cause or sources of my bliss. I should have just sit and savour it and move on. BUT of course being me, I had to investigate and in doing so I caused myself some mild angst.

Since I did go down the trail of why, let me continue on and voice my thoughts. I had a visit from my neighbour across the back alley yesterday. We’ve been neighbours for over 40 years and had worked in the same institution but different departments for many years. We’re not close friends but neighbourly enough for her to call us on a few occasions for help. She has been a widow for about 14 years. She is quite hard of hearing even with her buds in. Long complicated conversations are rare. Sometimes she comes across as unfriendly and aloof because of it. However, yesterday, everything was in working order. She was cheerful and outgoing and hearing well. Conversation flowed. She was so content and peaceful, I think I’ve caught her mood.

Today our family did our annual visit to my grandparents’ place in the cemetery. We did not burn incense or paper money. We did not pour libation but paid our respects with our bouquets of flowers. It was my mother’s wish as she thinks it will make it easier and simpler for us when she and my father are no longer here. I think we might put it back next year. It is not hard to do and I do miss those rituals. Afterwards we had take out lunch on our enclosed deck. It was warm enough for mom and dad and cool enough for the rest of us. It was a perfect day for the cemetery and a family gathering on the deck. Covid has made me more sensitive and appreciative of such perfectness.

These 2 things, my neighbour and family, are most likely responsible for my feeling of well being. A thought did popped into my head that it might be a new supplement my doctor prescribed. I agreed to try it for 2 months and be reassessed. I’ve only started it yesterday. I was not going to look up the possible side effects. Against my better judgement I just did. My bliss kind of fizzled a little but I smartened up, realizing how strong and fast my thoughts affect how I feel. So, I’ve deleted, deleted and deleted those thoughts in my head.

It’s been a busy week. I’m fallen off my Monday, Wednesday, Friday routine of posting. But I have shown up here Monday and Sunday. It is good enough.

MONDAY RAINS

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I am not sure I can stay coherent and awake enough to have a conversation. I fell dead asleep sitting up after lunch. Good thing I had finished my cuppa first. The rain has eased but it sure poured and came down hard for awhile. Our rain barrels and water buckets are full and overflowing. I hope that the slipper gourd and sweet pea that I had just planted in the community garden will survive the downpour. It sure is a strange summer and weather. We had scorching heat on Saturday followed by hail storms on Sunday. Lucky the hail bypassed us. It must be hard to be a farmer nowadays.

I’ve fallen a little behind on the Yellow Daisy Index Card a Day Challenge. The prompt for yesterday was selvedge. Today it is ouija board. It is difficult to get excited about those prompts when my eyelids weigh a ton. Wait, the sky is lighting up a bit. The rain has stopped. Maybe a few minutes of shuteye will help. Why fight it? The laundry is hung. I could get the dishwasher going. The rhythmic sound will be like a lullaby and it won’t let me sleep long. I’ll be killing 2 birds with one stone.

I sure took a long nap. It is 10 o’clock Tuesday morning. The sun did a sudden showing through some dark clouds. Have I already uttered how strange our world is? It is so – totally. We had flooding in various areas of the city from the downpour yesterday. We were lucky that we were spared though one of my musk melons almost drowned being planted in a hole-less pot. Who would have thought given our past years of hot dry summers. I tried to empty the pot by tipping it onto its side. I got a lot of the water out but my plant was in danger of falling out with it. The pot is holed now. I hope the melon will survive.

Napping was the best thing for me yesterday. It’s been a long time that I’ve given in to not fighting against not doing anything. It was so delicious. I might repeat it today. I found another John Grisham novel on my book shelf I haven’t read – The Rainmaker. I could easily spend the rest of the day immerse in it. But I won’t. I’m always in danger of being addicted to one thing. It has a way of getting me off track. I can easily become a couch potato and spend my day reading, reading and more reading. I must push myself up, make another cuppa, have a snack and resume working on my index card painting. Now I am 3 days behind.

HOW TO GET ANYTHING DONE

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Friday. The sun came out. The temperature went up. It’s 26℃ and the wind is blowing at 47 km/hour. Super crazy, eh? from a cloudy cool 17℃ of yesterday. It is what it is. My body is liking today better than yesterday. I’m taking an extra strength Tylenol tid, that is 3 times a day to help me roll with the punches. No matter how I feel, I want to move and get some things done. That’s another challenge I’ve adopted. If I feel lousy not doing anything, I might as well do something and have something to show for my suffering.

Procrastination and avoidance have their own pain. They don’t work. They’re like the elephant in the room, weighing heavy on the back of my mind. I’m going to put on my thinking cap. Maybe I can conjure up a workable manual on how to get anything done. A good starting point is to identify what it is that I want done. Then I need to identify what steps I need to take to accomplish that task. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Apparently not, for me.

I’m sick and tired of how I’ve been. I find it hard to do stuff. I fret, fuss and feel totally uncomfortable, not wanting to get to the task and not knowing how and where to start. I think and worry about the whole enchilada. It’s one huge blob/problem in my mind. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and run away. I made a new start today. NO MORE OVERWHELM. I had an hour this morning before heading out to our exercise class. I asked myself, What do I want to do with that time? I had plans of doing more seeding. The seed packs had been sitting on the dining table for a few days now. I willed myself to the task. I willed myself to put the seed packs away after. It didn’t take all that long. I had time to plant a few left over peas I had sprouted awhile back.

It’s a small step in the right direction. I have to keep asking myself, what do I want to get done. Then I need to think of each step I need to take. I also need to stop having a cuppa/break before I do anything. I need to do first and then have a cuppa. As you may have gathered, I have many cuppa in a day.

UNEASY THURSDAY

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It’s not my write day today but I feel like talking. When that comes, it’s good to listen. It’s another overcast and cloudy day. It had rained some overnight. I think it is going to be this kind of summer – cool and unpredictable. The forecast for Saturday is sunny and 34℃. Can you believe it? That’s 2 days away. By then things could change and anything is possible. Maybe not snow though.

I feel uneasy. It is a frequent visitor. Coming home from exercise yesterday, I had a sense that we’re living in a Stephen King novel. Something is terribly wrong with our world and we’re just watching and waiting and not doing. I’m feeling this discomfort of avoidance and helplessness. It’s a good reason to come to my keyboard and tap. It stops my mind from pacing uselessly back and forth. I’m focused on the words and sentences. With luck I can tap out some comfort and a course of action.

Right now there are things I need to and can do. They are the small acts of daily living. No matter what, we need to get up, dress up and show up for what is here. The yogurt needs to be made. The milk is close to its expiration date. It is an easy process. Steam the milk for 1 minute in the Instant Pot. Then cool for 20 minutes till it’s 120℉ or less. Put in a scoop of plain yogurt and ¼ cup of powder milk. Stir well. Pour into yogurt jars and place in yogurt maker. Cover and plug in. Leave for 4 hours till yogurt forms to desired consistency. Easy peasy. Not so if I don’t have a plan of action for uneasy days.

I can override my natural tendency for these feelings of unease. These are good times to pay attention to areas of need – like cupboards and closets. Sorting and cleaning my outer space gives me a sense of sorting and cleaning my inner space/thoughts and feelings. It can give me a sense of control and empowerment. Sometimes those areas are not the right thing to tackle. Then I’m ok to use escapism, like diving into a book that takes me completely away. The Chamber by John Grisham is such a book. It’s about death row, the death penalty, the KKK and racism – not exactly light hearted and a feel good kind of book. It was very impactful, making me rethink almost everything about life, how we are/were and how to go forward.

Now the morning is almost gone. I’ve got the yogurt yogurting. I’ve cleaned up the equipment I used in the process. Now to harvest some lettuce and radishes for a salad for lunch. The phone rang just now. A recording said it was Amazon and that they will be billing $35.00 to my account. Who are these people who are so technically capable of cheating us? Why don’t they use their abilities to help people instead? Such is the world we live in.

WEDNESDAY WOES – OPERATION BLUEBELLS

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It’s Wednesday afternoon and rainy. I’m trying to get with it and get going. There’s much to do. It’s not that simple. I feel stuck. I feel I have so much to share but all thoughts, feelings and words are in a melting pot. They are all mixed, stirred and blended. I cannot seem to pull each out one by one to make sense, to construct a sentence, a paragraph and a post. I guess I just have to tap away painfully slowly and painfully. Perhaps I need a cup of coffee to perk up the brain cells.

I have my coffee. I took a Tylenol for good measure. It wouldn’t hurt and might make my fingers work better on the keyboard. Weeding and this changing weather have been hard on them. I need a break from both but not sure if that is possible. I have no control over the weather. It’s hard to stay put when all those creeping bellflowers are calling. Little did I know way back when I was introduced to the groundcover with pretty blue flowers what havoc they can cause. Now they do cover pretty much of my front yard. They’ve managed to creep into the back and the sides as well.

You can see what a mess they can create. You can hardly see the bleeding heart for all their leaves. It’s another challenge for me. I know it won’t be easy. If I have a will, there will be a way. My plan is smother them by covering with layers of newspaper/cardboard and heavy mulch over top. It will keep me busy and complaining. It’s stopped raining, a good time to go out and attack another patch.

MONDAY GROANER TIME

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I thought it best I try my best to stay with my self scheduled writing time on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Good habits build good days and a life well lived. I’m as sleepy as can be. It would feel so good to cuddle up with my little quilt and have a sleep. Talking about quilt, my log cabin block building has been at a standstill for quite a spell. Life, the garden and yard happened. I couldn’t do it all. Some things have to give. Summer and the growing season is only so long. The sewing got put on the back burner. To be resumed later. I hope I will remember to hit that button later.

It’s a cloudy, breezy and cool day. It tries to rain and pour off and on. You can say it’s a typical 2022 June day – unpredictable and changeable from minute to minute. I’m trying to roll with it all. It’s giving my moods and body a good workout. I should remember to take a tylenol morning and bedtime to keep me physically supple. It’s the new lube for old achy bodies. This weather and garden and yard work are taxing on the joints and bones. I was not happy or moving well in the morning exercise class. The sluggishness, aches and grumpiness were all trying to get the best of me. I prevailed though, beating them back. I’m getting good at faking it till I make it. How do you do it?

I can’t believe it is 5:30 already. Where did the day go. It’s rolling away faster than the end of the toilet roll. I’m calling it quits now. Going to have another cuppa. Talk to you on Wednesday.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT

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It’s another Friday and I feel as crappy as can be. I suppose I should keep it to myself but I never could suffer in silence. I can blame it on the frigging weather and I will. It doesn’t help but it’s good to recognize it. That way I won’t blame myself for being a crappy person. It is not my fault! There, it does make me feel a little better. Maybe I can move on and make something of the day. But first, I think I have to take a tylenol. My hands and sinus are killing me. Too much gardening and too much pollen. The collected rainwater is yellow with it.

There, I hope it will help soon. I might have taken one not long ago but one more tylenol won’t hurt. I’ve got brain fog today, too. The weather does affect how I feel physically and emotionally. It’s a real bummer. I’m so cranky, too. I don’t show it until I have to have a conversation. Then it comes out. I’m impatient and not very sympathetic or cooperative. I’ve learned to take deep breaths and to agree with everything and everybody. And I stop talking. That way I’m not in danger of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone’s apple cart. Peace ensues and energy is conserved. Everything will pass and it will not matter in a minute, hour and a day.

My energy sucks during these spells and everything is exaggerated. What I mean is my mess/clutter looks and feels messier. The dust and dirt are more. Everything irritates and rubs me more. Less would be better. I understand all this. I try to stay calm. I try to do my best of the moment. It works. Even a little is a great deal to be thankful for. Every little bit helps. I’m grateful for today, the rain, the clouds and now the sun.