Tag Archives: thoughts

MESSAGE TO LILY

Posted on by
4

How intrusive the world! So many phone calls on things I do not need nor asked for. Those poor Call Center employees. I am not much of a consumer. They will not get much business from me. They do not listen. They keep calling back. I hang up. I am not in a ‘good mood’ or a peaceful frame of mind. My head is in a dither. The conversation within is like a ticker tape going on endlessly.

There’s no stopping it so I just watch it in my mind’s eye. I’m tapping here to slow down the ticking in my head and the fluttering in my heart. It’s working. My mind and hands are engaged in another activity. I’ve done my qigong routine. A batch of yogurt is under the yogurt machine’s hood. I’m finishing the last of the strawberries before they go bad. The bills are paid except for my property tax. I still have till the end of June to deal with it. I’ve gathered my papers to meet with my banker this afternoon. Even retired, there’s stuff to deal with. It’s not a vacation. I’m not in a hammock by the beach. Some days I want to run away from home.

My garden is a bit half assed this year. I’ve started a few bedding plants, enough petunias and snapdragons for my mother’s flower beds. She doesn’t ask for much. In fact she doesn’t ask for anything. But it is nice that I could do this much for her. I hope she will let me plant them for her. Her strength has declined but she is fiercely independent. She is very good at compensating and finding alternative ways of doing everything. My mother is awe-inspiring.

I have seeded one raised bed with lettuce, spinach and kale. They are all rising above the earth. The other 4 beds sit empty, waiting for me to get my shit together. I have cleared and worked the garden area. The strawberries I transplanted last fall have survived. The rhubarb is looking good. The peas and a few beans are planted. I am a bit lost but not idle.

It is late afternoon. I am hot and tired. I have met with my banker. We did some planning. All is well but I have not kept up with records and paperwork. It is not anything new but it is quite distressing to me. There is no point in tackling the problem now, though I did try. It resulted in more hair-on-end kind of frustration. I have to sort it out as I had with the basement, a little at a time.

I am learning a lesson here. No matter how we I try to ignore or hide a problem, whatever it is, it never goes away. It will surface sooner or later. You I will have to face it or maybe trip over it. There’s no where to hide. It demands resolution. I think I’ve finally got the message now. Really I have.

THOUGHTS, WORDS, MOODS

Posted on by
6

I ate all the leftovers brought home last night from the Mandarin Restaurant. Zero waste with one plate and a fork to wash. I enjoyed it but it did not pass my mother’s taste buds. Not enough ingredients. Ingredients not good quality. Not very much meat. These were her pronouncements. I have to admit that I am not very discerning. Like Sheba, I like anything edible. She was right about the meat part – small and covered up with a lot of veggies. It was perfect for me. I’m not over sated from a few chicken pieces and a pile of bok choy.

I’m enjoying my second cup of Orange Pekoe tea for the day. I can feel myself wanting another cup. I will refrain. I will tap a few more words, rise and clear up the few dishes. Then I better get started with the bread. It will interrupt my Orange Pekoe craving and keep the flow of the day going. I’ve discovered that I could get a lot done by spending a little bit of time doing this and that. It also breaks up bouts of grumpiness, surliness and depression.

I don’t want to mislead anyone about my moods. I am certainly grumpy alot of the time, especially when I was working. But I wouldn’t call myself that now. The same goes for the depression. I am one who feels things deeply. I have been told that I have high standards and I hold everyone to them. I still have the same high standards. I’ve let go of the hold though. What anyone else does is no concern of mine. It took awhile for me to see it. Seeing it now, I feel so foolish. Such a busy body I am, judging others. Most of all, such a waste of energy! It took me away from caring for myself.

You see – I can learn. I can talk a new talk and do a new walk. I don’t have to keep going down the same garden path. The dough is poofing in the oven and I’m sitting with my decaf. I am a little pooped from standing, mixing and kneading. I’m happy to sit till the timer calls me to punch the dough down, shape it into loaves and poof again. It was some wonderful quiet time kneading and slapping the dough into a ball. It was like a love affair of some sort. Needless to say, it was very satisfying. Even Sheba was cooperating, not barking her fool head off.

RECYCLING 365 SOMETHINGS

Posted on by
10

A little while ago, I was thinking that I’ve been feeling and doing quite well. I haven’t had my usual miseries of sinus problems, aches and pains and the blues for a long time. Be careful of what you think! Lo and behold, my said maladies paid me a visit. Maybe it’s not my thoughts that brought them forth. Rather, I was receiving advance warnings of their imminence. I like to think it was that.

It’s so cloudy today and oh my gosh, I’m so tired! Complaining again. It makes me feel better just to let it all out. It’s only here, in my own space. Who else would give a care? I’m sure they’re probably feeling the same. It serves me right taking 2 weeks off, sitting on duff – well, not entirely the whole time. Sheba and I still had our daily walks. Goes to show a daily walk with the dog is not much exercise even in freezing rain. It’s good we’ve gone and come. I’m warming up with my tea. She’s laid out on her bed quiet as can be. Shhh!

I’m trying to organize my thoughts. I didn’t think  a swim on Sunday and an hour of aerobics yesterday would cause me such fatigue. But it has. The clouds adds to it. But that is my life, like it or not. I’m trying to make it work better. How can I make my life smoother and more productive with my energy level? I’m listening to some of my own ideas. Re-scheduling activities to different time slots and see how that works. Someone wrote a post on recyling old content for a fresh and new article. I could use the idea for other things besides writing.

Day 7 – Feeling some purple and red and off colour anger. Unable to make a picture today

Daisy Yellow has pointers on the 365 Something Projects. I am on my Day 8 of the project. Doing something creative every day does lead to more creativity. Things get easier and flow starts. I will have to apply that ‘do something every day’ to organizing my desk, the dining table where I do my 365 Somethings Project, my painting studio, my sewing space – in other words, the whole house! Maybe I could chart my progress here. That would make me accountable. I shall do it! I am already trying to pick up and put away as I go along today. Does that get points for me?

 

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

Posted on by
1

Bear with me. What I really want you to know is I hang on to stuff, afraid to let them go. What I’m afraid of is that if I let go of anything, life as I know it will be lost. Sometimes I’m afraid to breathe. What if I breathe wrong? Everything would go amok. So I hold it until I have to let go.

Last night after getting out of my bath, I was brushing my teeth, doing this and that. I saw on my vanity glasses filled with this and that. I saw one filled with various sizes of makeup brushes. Brushes years and years old. But they were still in good shape because I hardly used them. I thought: why do I still have them? Of what use are they? They are just collecting dust.

It took some moments before I could trash them. I could/might start using them again. What a waste throwing them out! Such thoughts passed through my head. Then sense prevailed. I haven’t used them for at least 15 years. Why would I now? Into the garbage they went,  all 4 of them.

It was not painless. I felt uncomfortable, a sense of loss. As if a few makeup brushes could make or change life as I know it.  I think that’s why we hang onto things/thoughts/habits. We are afraid that we/life will be less without them. We are not emptying/ridding what is passé to let in new life.

I will sit here for awhile with the discomfort. I am okay. It will pass. I will go on.

 

LIKE A BAG OF WORMS – day 98 in a year of…..

Posted on by
Reply

Day 98, October 30, 2016 @8:17 am

img_8273The mornings are still dark at 7:30 but when I step outside, I see it is not total darkness.  There is light reflected back from the white of the garage and the garden fence.  Then there’s the Buddhas,  sitting in prayer and contemplation under the spruce trees. How peaceful and stalwart they are through all the days and seasons.

They are good examples to emulate.  I am not so peaceful.  I’m testing my fortitude in this year of doing different.  The thoughts in my head are like a bag of worms.  They’re wiggling and squirming everywhere.  I worry, fret, catastrophe, project, fear, so and on and on.  On some dark mornings, I’m afraid to open my eyes and face the world.  I’m nauseated by everything before my feet hit the floor. When I open my eyes, reality is not as bad as the stuff in my head.

img_8274I’m choosing to sit in meditation with Melli Obrien and Jack Kornfield this morning.  I’m sitting to quiet my mind and open my heart.  I’m learning to sit with the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the boredom and what have you(s). I’m getting to know them through sitting with them.  I am not past the flight mode into stillness.

A DIFFERENT STORY – Day 74 in a year of…

Posted on by
Reply

Day 74, October 4, 2016 @10:00 am

img_7918Mornings are still dark at 7 am.  I’m slow at rising.  I’m slow at putting on my morning face and coming to the keyboard.  I diddle and daddle.  Finally I put on makeup, earrings.  I put on a pink sweater I haven’t worn in a coon’s age and some reasonable pants. Why do I wear the same ratty old clothes day in and day out when my closet is brimming with stuff?  Why don’t I wear a smile more often?  The answers could be as simple as habit and laziness.  It takes more energy to make choices than to go on auto pilot.  My habit has been to grab and don.

Habits and feelings have a habit of seeping back.  This morning I am quite aware of it.  I’m squirming with the discomfort of it all.  I pace, picking up a Kleenex and a napkin left here and there.  I gather some laundry to take downstairs to do. Remembering I haven’t checked the clutter in the basement for a few day, I cleared and discarded a few items.  When I can’t do big, I do little has become my mantra.

img_1628I’m finally here though, tapping on my keyboard.  The click, click beneath my fingertips are rhythmic and soothing.  Thoughts come and feelings come.  I’m pushing through the gloom and the mundane of this morning.  I see my glass/day full instead of empty.  I’m romancing myself with each tap, tap of the keyboard. I’m creating new thoughts, new habits and new views.  I’m telling a different story. What stories are you telling?

ON THINGS THAT WORK

Posted on by
Reply

So the bread is in the oven.  I have these thirty minutes to reflect on my progress in changing habits.  How am I going?

I would say I am doing fabulously!  Having been in denial for years, buried under useless thoughts and musings, I have come up for air and light.  After reciting Dr. Phil’s phrase that the greatest insanity of all is to expect a different outcome from doing the same thing, I am changing.

I have had a few almost perfect days.  You might say that I have all my ducks in a row, even if it is only two of them.  I’ve been moving and grooving, cleaning and tidying at high speed, not obsessing, not thinking, just doing.  I’m not even stopping to smell the coffee!

I pick up.  I put away.  I wash.  I fold.  I iron.  I do…at a steady clip.  I save my dawdling for later.  I listen.  I look.  I try not to talk so much.  I breathe.  When things don’t work out, I let it go.  And when that fails, I let it be.  I do the best I can.