Tag Archives: sick

Am I Having Fun Yet?

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Though my goal this month is to have more fun/pleasure, I can’t say I am having fun yet. I’m on the cusp of a third cold. They seem to come one right after the other. The first one was not too bad, lasting only 4 days. The last one was a whopper, lasting 3 weeks. I thought I was going to die. I’ve only fully recovered 2 weeks ago. I’ve been careful to stay out of harm’s way. But…At least I am not feeling bad -yet. I hope it will pass like the first one.

I’m not really pissed off but I am not full of laughter either. I felt like crying reading the 2 Heathers (Heather Delaney Reese and Heather Cox Richardson) this morning on the politics of Donald Trump and his merry crew. Why are they/we so full of hate? Why are we destroying each other and our planet? What happened to ‘people needing people‘? How did it get to people killing people? Ok, enough of that! Though it doesn’t help to stay in the dark valley, it is important for me to be aware of the people who can’t get out. I owe them my compassion.

I’m not all gloom and doom. I do have a spark of positivity within me. I don’t sit helpless in negativity. I’m just not the loud and gregarious type. This morning I found joy watching Peggy and Molly.

And have you heard of Max Alexander, the youngest ever fashion designer? He is a joy to watch. He’s inspiring me to be playful and try new ways of sewing.

It is April 2. I had to get transplanting with some of my seedlings. A few minutes of green TLC.

The World Has Gone Mad

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Getting rid of my cold is proving to be a hard task. I try not to despair. I try to stay positive. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I feel great. Then I get hit with a bout of coughing and heavy fatigue. Meanwhile no peace is evident on the global front. The world is on fire. One cannot blame Iran for defending itself from one mad man’s insanity. It feels like a dream, a nightmare, a TV reality show.

There is nothing to do but buckle up, take a tylenol and put my best foot forward. Best that I would not look at any news feed. I’ve done my running around this afternoon, shopping for my father and myself and stopping in to have a coffee with him. I feel all done in. The best thing to do now is drink my fluids, stay calm and rest. Not so easy as this is getting towards the end of the 2nd week. I am frustrated and tired. But I shall chill. There shall be no sewing today. And no cutting of fabric though I’ve just got what is considered the best tailor scissors in the world. It’s a Kai 7230 9 inch professional shears. What a treat! It cuts through fabric like butter with no noise at all, whereas my cheap ones moaned and groaned.

I’m feeling better just thinking about that cutting experience. I have to remember to treat myself better with more luxury items. I can afford to and am worth it. I should not wait. There might be no tomorrow.

Antidotes For What Ails Me

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My cold is still with me. It is attached and reluctant to leave. I am an endless fountain of gooey mucus. Like Christopher Plummer, I don’t like the sound of mucus. I’m carting around a large toilt roll from Costco. I’m constantly blowing and spitting into toilet paper. The roll diminishes quickly. It’s cheaper than Kleenx. I dislike using a spittoon. It grosses me out.

I’ve had a week of this misery. Just when I think I’m getting better, I get knocked down again. Last night was a hard one. I was afraid I was getting super ill, enough that it made me seek help from my prayer community. It helped. I was able to fall asleep shortly after. In the morning I felt better in some ways and worse in some. Now, at the end of the day, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Being sick could have been what I needed.

What I needed was to see I have to take care of me. Being a caretaker by nature, I tend to look outward to others’ needs. I seldom think of my own. I am doing that now. I see that endless scrolling is making me sick. I feel it but seem unable to stop. The more I touch that button, the more I want to even though it brings me no pleasure. I was pleasureless enough yesterday that I was able to curb my addiction. I limited my scrolling time to before breakfast. I sought out other activities that would bring me pleasure.

One antidote is reading Margaret Atwood’s biography Book of Lives: A Memoir of Sorts. I’m travelling through stories of her childhood now. They’re delightful. Just what I need. Another activity is non-activity. I laid down on my exercise mat with my legs resting on an armchair for 10 minutes, doing nothing, trying to empty my mind. It wasn’t hard. It was pleasant and restful, not fussing about anything, letting the world go on by without me. It also helped to drain gooey mucus out of me.

How To Get My Shit Together

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I keep saying that I have to get my shit together. So far it hasn’t happened yet. So far I haven’t figured out how. At least I am feeling a little better. My cough is not as hard and harsh. My stomach and chest are sore. My shoulders stiff from hunching and holding them close. Sometimes I feel as if I’m going to cough up my liver. I’ve been drinking and drinking gallons of fluids and making a million trips to the bathroom. Such fun, eh?

Hopefully I am on the road to recovery. I was able to lie down and had a decent night of sleep. I’m having my second cup of tea and trying to tap out how to get my shit together. First, I think I have to curb scrolling and scrolling through news from south of the border. It’s not good for my mental health. But I do like reading Heather Delaney Reese’s and Heather Cox Richardson’s posts on the U. S. political scene. It’s good to stay informed. But I also need to disconnect and move on with my day and life. That’s the hard part.

I’m taking little stabs and short runs at it. Yesterday I finally did seed my peppers. They take a long time to germinate and need a long growing season. Maybe today I can seed a few eggplants. I haven’t been successful with them. I did learn they are heavy feeders and need lots of pruning. So maybe this is the year. My sunroom is a holy cluttered mess. I have to clear some surfaces to put the plant trays. I had never thought I could be this bad. But then I never counted on my mother dying either even thought she was in her nineties. How silly could I be?

Now I feel the harshness and difficulties of the past year. I was perhaps operating on numb. I just had to. Life goes on. I like to think this part is my healing journey. Now I know everyone goes through this. It is hard but also necessary. I like to think of it as Joan Dideon’s The Year of Magical Thinking. I should read this book and Blue Nights. They are hard reads. I will try.

Where would I be?

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I’m sicker today. It makes me mad with this hacking and hacking and the cough won’t turn over. Sometimes I feel like something is going to blow. Needless to say, I didn’t have a good night’s sleep. I’ve had to cancel two lunch dates now. I’m trying to make myself more comfortable but there just isn’t any way. I’m entitled to feel a little ticked off. The truth is I am alot ticked off. It doesn’t help that I’m reading all the stuff that is going on south of the border. Does that border really separate and keep us safe? Aren’t we already pretty well assimilated into the American ways?

The thought that we are makes me feel worse. Assimilated feels like being sucked in. We have no personality of our own. We watch American movies. We shop at Walmart. A lot of our businesses are American owned. Trump calls us the 51st state. I’m feeling worse. Sometimes I feel the same, no personality and sucked in. But is that true? I have to ask the Byron Katie questions. And where would I be if it wasn’t true? I think I would be in a happier place.

Tapping and getting it all out feels good. I hope I can get a good sleep tonight. Sleep can make such a difference. It can take the edge off my sour disposition. Maybe now I can coax myself into seeding a few peppers and maybe sew half a quilt block. How is your day?

Working on Joy and Hope

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It’s March 1, a new month and a new day, so they say. I woke up to the same world, full of bad news of Donald Trump and bombing in the Middle East. No overnight transformation of world peace and love. Whatever happened to the age of Aquarius? Where is the humanitarism and collective consciousness? Where has our conscience gone?

As you can see, I still am sick of this world. I am still a bit sick with my cold. It could be affecting my outlook. It doesn’t help that my iMac is not performing at its best. I am still working on improving my mood, trying to find some positivity and joy. I don’t want to add my negativity to the already existing toxic pool. This morning I found 2 inspiring stories. I should say they found me. I had not known or heard of these individuals before.

The first one was Margaret Anne Cargill. She was an heir to millions. Yet she lived a simple life and donated everything to charities anonymously. The 2nd person was Hamzah Jihad Furquani. He made 13 cents an hour as a prison janitor. He donated $17.74 of his earnings to relief efforts in Gaza. Their backgrounds were totally different but their hearts were the same, big and generous. Their stories are fascinating reads for me. They are real and not fake news. It gives me hope and inspiration in these dark times. I try a little harder to find and feel joy. I try a little harder to have a good day. The world is still full of good people. But we still need to acknowledge the evil, too.

I’m 8 days into the #100dayproject of sewing logcabin quilt blocks. My pace is slower, making a ½ block a day. The slower pace is more enjoyable. Here’s square #3 and #4.

Let Go a little, Live a Little

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Some days I am just sick of everything. Today is one of those days. I am sick to death of the Epstein files, Deepak Chopra and Donald Trump. I am also sick of myself for not being able to resist on clicking on those links. I’m so disappointed that we are all such flawed human beings.

That was yesterday. Today I am really sick with scratchy throat and coughing. I am not feeling bad yet. Here’s the hope that it will pass quickly with endless cups of chrysanthemum tea, lozenges and tylenol. I am trying to improve my mental outlook, too. I can’t heal feeling pissed about everything. So, I’m pulling up my socks and cleansing my thoughts. But first I have to say this. I really do not like all those feel good ‘gurus’ who are suppose to inspire us. I can’t believe that I was such a huge fan of Oprah back in the good old days. Now I can’t stand the sight of her and her gushy gushy ways. She was more real when she was fat.

I’m trying to rescue myself from the misery I find myself in today. I no longer believe or trust anyone else with my own well-being. We are all capable of deceiving ourselves and others for whatever and any reasons. I’m disappointed in learning this at this late stage in life. But it’s better late than never. I’m having another cup of chrysanthemum tea while the roomba robot vacuum is sweeping the kitchen floor. It’ll be nice to walk on a smooth instead of a gritty floor. Physical comfort is conducive to well-being.

I will not attempt any heroic measures in self-improvement today. I will try to accept myself as I am. Maybe that in itself is a heroic act. I am into #the100project today. My plan was to sew a logcabin quilt block a day. I’ve only done 3 ½ blocks so far. I take challenges seriously. This definitely is not up to my standard. Maybe it’s time and good that I lower my standards a little. Let go and live a little would make a good motto. I’ve proven I can live up to challenges for many years now. Last year I drew and painted 100 teacups, the year before I did 100 sketches from our family album. I’ve proven my mettle. I don’t need to do it anymore.

Having Faith

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February 8th. Cloudy, 0℃, freezing rain warning and snow forecasted. For far, so good. No rain nor snow. I’m still recovering from my cold or whatever I’m afflicted with. My cough is less and looser. So my self ministering works. I’ve been drinking almost nonstop for a couple of days – tea, decaf, herbal tea, hot water. So much sometimes I don’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. Then there’s the tylenol and neti pot saline rinses. I tried to stop this cold but even when I felt it coming, I couldn’t stop it. It had to have its day. It was like trying to stop a charging bull, a speeding train or a tsumani. Though I couldn’t stop it, I’ve lessened the impact.

Now that I have the momentum, I’m still tapping on the keyboard. It keeps me sane. It’s enough reason to keep going. I feel like I have someone to talk to, someone who understands, doesn’t judge and doesn’t talk back. There’s nothing that could make me feel worse than someone trying to make me see sense, see ‘the other side’. It’s something that I need to do for myself. What I need is to have the faith, trust in my feelings and intuition, lay low, stay quiet and let things be.

Though technically we are connected 24/7, I don’t feel we are connected emotionally at all. There’s this distance and emptiness. It’s difficult to have the faith. I’m working on it. I’m lonely without it. I miss my mother. I miss how things used to be. I can’t understand anything any more. Perhaps I shouldn’t try so hard to understand but it is surprising to find Dr. Phil showing up at ICE Raids. And why all the fury on immigrants? Aren’t we all immigrants here in North America except for the aboriginals? Aren’t we all human inhabitants of the planet? Doesn’t it belong to all of us?

Why are we killing each other? It’s making me furious. I feel like we’re experiencing a global autoimmune disorder. We are attacking each other. We are each other’s enemy. For this, I need to find and keep the faith that we can do better. I am tired. I need to just shut up and believe and be strong.

PJ Day

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February 6th. It’s grey as grey can be all day. I have taken a first day off from coffee with my father. I felt the not feeling great coming on so had prepared him yesterday. I spent most of the night awake and hydrating myself, trying to flush out those damn snow mold. I was successful in decreasing my coughing spells. But I feel limp as wet spaghetti. I had to cancel my lunch date and supper out at my favourite Japanese restaurant. I will probably have the rest of the porridge from my breakfast and lunch for supper.

It seemed appropriate to spend the day in my pjs and read up on Jeffery Epstein today. I wouldn’t be spoiling a beautiful day. I was already feeling lousy. It was alot of reading. It was massive. He knew and was connected to everybody, it seemed. That is everybody who had a name. I was shocked to read that Deepak Chopra was mentioned in the Epstein files. Goes to show how naive I am. Spirituality is big business and even priests can be corrupted. So why not Deepak? Still I am very disappointed to read about how he is using AI to highjack spiritual hunger.

Not a great way to spend a dreary afternoon but it’s good to get educated. There doesn’t seem to be much to cheer about. I feel crappy as hell. Another bout of coughing. I made another cup of Chrysanthemum tea. Let me see if I can work on my seed orders. I’m trying as best as I can. At least I’ve showered and changed into new pjs.