LET IT BE PRO RE NATA

Posted on November 14, 2019 by hafong

I was so delighted by all that sunshine this morning. All the heaviness fell off my body. It helped too that I had a healthy dose of sleep last night – almost nine hours. AND the fact that I’m not that mouse on the tread wheel screaming: I have to fix it! I have to fix it! Yesterday, I gave myself permission to languish prn. Prn comes from the Latin ‘pro re nata’ meaning when necessary.

It’s the nurse in me coming out, though I am no longer a nurse. I’ve hung up my cap and taken off my duty shoes. Old memories are still alive and kicking around somewhere in my body and soul. The memories are ok. Some are good. Some are not but they all can stay. They all contributed to the sum total of who I am today. It is time to let go of the duty part though. It is always the right thing to help one another if I can. It is not my duty to fix anything, anyone or even myself. Just listen and let be. I have to knock the duty part off and have a happy retirement like my cake says.

It’s taken me a frigging long time to arrive here – 6 years post retirement. I’m not complaining. I’m marvelling. It’s been such an interesting journey. I’m feeling the lightness and weightlessness after dropping some self-taken burdens. What a dork! I could kick myself around the block but I won’t. I know we all have moments like these. We don’t know what we don’t know. We will when we’re ready.

Happy Thursday. Now I have to take Sheba around a few blocks, a happy self-imposed duty.

SWEATED MY TEARS

Posted on October 6, 2017 by hafong

I wish I have better opening sentences but for today, this is good enough. I am not any more calm, cool or collected. I still have that ache behind my eyes. It’s probably what is call a tension headache. Things are better. I am suffering from post problem solving. It’s frustrating when you are doing your part and the other party stalls you by not returning phone calls or emails. It wears you out. But if you’re lucky to talk to the right party, amazingly you get that phone call or email the very next day. I don’t think I’m paranoid. Some companies know how to mess with your mind.

I’m lucky that I’ve been a nurse. Nurses are tenacious. We have to be. If a patient is suffering or in danger, we call. We don’t give up simply because nobody answers. We call and call. Then there’s that STAT page. And if it’s big trouble there’s that CODE BLUE or 99. Then there’s alot of hustling.

I didn’t have to do a Code Blue yesterday but I did make some noise. I got my email answered this morning. My mouth dropped. I was flooded with relief. No more frustration from this area at least – I hope. Cross my fingers and toes. I was relieved but exhausted by the experience. Strange that I felt teary. I would have liked to cry but I was on my way to my aerobics class. I sweated my tears out instead. It was all good.

The moral of the story is hang in there. It’s a little inane but that’s what you do. Things will and do work out if you follow up to the end.

A YEAR LATER

Posted on July 9, 2014 by hafong

I think retirement has been good for me. A year later, I am standing slightly straighter, my smile more relaxed, albeit goofy. I’m working on being natural and ‘me’. My vegetable beds look awesome, don’t they? I’m slowly excavating and recovering the lost parts of myself – my core, my hard drive.

I wonder if I have been suffering from what they call ‘compassion burn out’. I do not miss work at all nor have any desire to revisit my place of employment of 34 some years. It is strange and troubles me sometimes. Does my work have so little meaning? I feel cynical and sarcastic at different times.

I thought I would be tapping out story after story of my life as a nurse. There were many stories over the years, some funny, some not. You could count on plenty of drama. There was always plenty of poop if not blood and gore. My blog was set up, BUT the words and stories were slow to come. My memory went blank. My mind fled the scene.

Now the blog sits abandoned like an unfinished house, waiting for the contractor to return. Its few posts are still standing, bravely holding the space till the once-upon-a- nurse returns to tell her tales. Will she? Can she – recover her nursing cap and pin? Can her fingers tap out the medical history? Only time can tell.

Meanwhile she is busy clear cutting the under/over growth of her life. Woolly and wild things can take over when you are busy slinging bedpans and saving lives. Now the weeds are being machete-ed. There are clearings in her forest. She can breathe. She can almost think again. She has resuscitated herself.

The bread is rising, the flowers are blooming, the guy is tinkering in the garage. Sheba is keeping a close eye on him.

She is tap, tapping out her history.

ON KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY

Posted on June 8, 2013 by hafong

“I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”

– from LIFE ITSELF, Roger Ebert

It is a rainy Saturday morning. My clouds have lifted a little. I am out of bed, dressed and sitting here sipping tea and tapping out my words. I am grateful that they come one by one, spelling out my story, easing my pain and lighting my way. What a gift I have been given! At least I can express myself, warning others that a woman has fallen…momentarily. But she will get up again.

What I have learned lately is that I am not a kind or generous person. My kindness and generosity only extends to others. And that is a false thing. It has surprised me to hear patients telling me that I am so kind and so gentle to them. Can’t they tell I am just boiling inside? It surprises me they take my sourness for humour.

Yesterday, I was confronted by a neighbour in conversation, even though I tried hard to avoid her. I felt my unkindness then. I felt my heart constricting in meanness, no generosity coming forth. I kept my eyes downcast, answering politely. It was very difficult but I did not want to listen to her woes. I did not want to see her tears. I did not want to be her keeper – when it suited her.

That was yesterday. Today I realize that I was being kind and generous to myself. I am a nurse, a caretaker. But I don’t have to take care of everyone. I can’t. I don’t have the power. I feel my meanness coming out when I neglect myself. And without kindness, there cannot be generosity.

To myself I have to be true. I am doing the best I can. Perhaps I can do better tomorrow.

STRESS NO MORE

Posted on February 5, 2013 by hafong

So the other morning he calls and the connection was good and it was like he was there. And we could talk but after awhile he fades and comes back and fades and then he was talking like he was under water. Glub, glub. After I did a few What? What?, I give up and sever the connection. I should say disconnection. This is familiar to me now, the way of Ghana. So I stress no more. Nothing much works in Ghana, the least of it be the phone company.

I used to get stretched out of shape by all of its idiosyncrasies. I suppose every country has their own stuff as well as every organization and each person on the planet. And I have been pondering all the complexities and why for’s till my poor Asian brain hurts. I still do not understand any of it. But now wisdom has finally descended upon me…after a couple of trips to Ghana and 30 plus years of shift work in the healthcare system. There’s much drama and things that don’t work in both. But it is not up to me to fix anything.

I’m saying it is not for me to understand or make sense of anything or anyone. Things just are. It is just for me to live in the moment and be…be the best I can, do the best I can, treat myself the best I can in that moment. I’m working on not saying, I don’t care because I do care. But sometimes the phrase still creeps into my thought and almost spills from my lips. Those times are when I feel powerless and helpless. They are becoming less and less.

It is funny to say that I have not given much thought of myself as a person. But I have not. I wonder if many women feel that way. We’re always somebody’s somebody…daughter, sister, aunt, nurse, wife. We’re, or I should say I am always in the shadows. I would like to step out in the sunlight now. I like being me. It is a precipitous moment to recognize this, for in 5 months I will be redefining myself. I will be stepping out of my nurse’s shoes. It is good to know that I’m not just a nurse/whatever. It is good to be just me, stressing no more.

NURSE, CARE FOR YOURSELF

Posted on January 15, 2013 by hafong

Sometimes things happen in a blink of an unthinking eye. You wonder what led to this? And you ponder and ponder until your head and heart hurt. You still don’t under- stand. You obsess about it, making yourself feel worse and worse and still you beat yourself about it. At least it is what I do. I am humble enough now that I know I am not that much different than anybody else. I am not better or worse. I am just human, with emotions.

And so I cried a little at work yesterday. I cried, not the big boo hoo hoo type with the sobs and crocodile tears, but just the tiny ones at the corners of your eyes, the break in my voice and runny nose. It was very weird. My nose never runs except when I’m eating soup and when I cry.

There really is not one thing that led to the moment of tears and frustration, but many little and not so little things over time. I recognize it for the frustration and helplessness that I feel. In that instant I see how I am harming myself with how I speak and do in the face of helplessness and powerlessness. I feel anger inside and I say I do not care. I take those habits home with me. I behave and say the same thing to my partner in difficult situations. Is that good for me?

Of course not! I say good for me because I can only control what I do. I ask not what work or anyone else can do for me. I only ask of myself what can I do to make it better for me and for my work. And so I remind myself of Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements again.

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I remind myself of the teachings of Caroline Myss, HeatherAsh Amara, Tara Brach…..I remember The Power of Habit. It is a tough road we human beings are on. I want to feel empowered, enlightened. I am empowered and awake. I am not a victim.

I spent a restless, sleepless night though I prepared myself with a warm relaxing bath, took some medications to help me sleep. I got up and made a cup of ginger tea but the only one that slept the night in our house was Sheba. By about 3 am, I made the decision that I was not fit for work. My shoulders ached from hugging myself, my throat sore. Please don’t let it be Strep throat! In my condition, I would not be an asset at work. If I can’t be a solution, then I will not be a problem. Since I am professionally licensed to assess others’ physical condition, I should use my skill to care for myself.

There’s five months before my big day, the big RETIREMENT. I am hoping that I will leave nursing in a grand style, for it is a grand profession. It is helping ourselves to become better human beings by service to others. And we are richly rewarded spiritually and financially. I would be very grateful for any help towards a graceful exit. I am not a crazy Asian woman. I do not need to act nor talk like one, for it is not who I am.

I will stop obsessing and crying now. I am released from my negativity. There is much out there in the world. I will become an explorer of it. Everything is interesting. I just need to look closer. It is good to alter my course. I am retiring from nursing, not life. My partner is leaving for Ghana next week for six weeks. I will not go with him this time. Sheba and I will tend the hearth at home. We will miss him and ESCAPE3POINTS but space and time apart is not a bad thing and maybe I will learn to appreciate them both better. Here’s his video of ESCAPE3POINTS:

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

Posted on December 10, 2012 by hafong

I am hearing John Lennon’s song, A Happy Christmas, but I’m having a hard time feeling the music or the sentiment. I wonder how many people are of the same sentiment. I’ve been fighting these feelings to no avail. Perhaps it’s time to stop fighting and I mean it literally and just do the right thing. Even Sheba looks sad as Santa Claus.

So, I give up gritting and gnashing my teeth. I get up and down a pain killer along with my blood pressure pill and vitamin Ds. No point in suffering and being a hero. I’ve been trying to make a simple batch of biscuits for the last two days. The first time, I put in a tablespoon of baking soda instead of a tablespoon of granulated sugar.

How the hell did that happened? Don’t think that it couldn’t happen to you. Never say never, because even though I was reading granulated sugar, my brain saw baking soda. And I never caught the mistake till I’ve already added the milk. So hoping against hope, I added the missed tablespoon of sugar, formed the biscuits and popped them in the oven.

They came out of the oven puffy and golden, but with a very bitter after taste. Well, what do you figure? The recipe already called for 4 teaspoon of baking powder. It didn’t need an extra tablespoon of baking soda! Very big sigh. Mistakes are apt to happen when one is tired or under the weather.

This reminds me of a time very early in my nursing career. Well, I’ve never forgotten it. It is always just barely beneath the surface of my mind, ready to pop out. I was working a set of nights and made a medication error. Much like my reading of the biscuit recipe, even though my eyes was reading codeine syrup, my brain was saying morphine syrup. Even though I had to look and look at the label and calculate the dosage each time during the night, my brain told me it was morphine syrup instead of what it actually was.

The incident has taught me not to swear by my memory or my other senses. Sometimes we are wrong even though we swear that we couldn’t be. And kindness can come from strange places, like from the patient at the receiving end of my error. Doctors make mistakes, too! She comforts me, though she had received less than adequate pain relief because of me.

And from my manager at the time, a visit to her office and a typewritten list of all my inadequacies, at the time when my patient load for those nights was 25. None of my coworkers spoke of it to me, except the one who discovered the error. She felt so sorry for me. Sometimes one’s universe can be such a silent empty place. You can almost hear the echo of one hand clapping.

That was the hardest summer of my life. It happened in July. I felt I had no one to talk to. I learned to journal, talk into a tape recorder……all these memories, triggered again by the nurse who was duped by those two broadcasters from Australia into thinking it was the Queen calling and forwarded the call. I can understand how upsetting it would be to make such a mistake… well, maybe just a little. Her mistake was broadcasted worldwide.

The sun has come out. Time to move on with life. My Tylenol 3 is working. I’m feeling more comfortable. And oh, on my second try at the biscuits, I forgot the salt. They didn’t look as nice as the bitter ones, but they tasted much better. I even fed them to a guest and got praised!

I’m a much stronger person/nurse now. Mistakes are part of every human being/life. If you see/know another suffering from a mistake, don’t avert your gaze or look the other way. Give her an acknowledgement/comfort, however you can. I am sure it will be much appreciated. I know that from experience.

And here’s wishing everyone A Happy Christmas:

STUMBLING SLOWLY TOWARDS BLISS

Posted on October 5, 2012 by hafong

Another night is conquered and I am sitting here in the warmth and brightness of my sun room. So glad that it is over. I thought that it would never end, but somehow it did. So just let me count my blessings and appreciate my life.

You could say that I work in an unreal world. I see the best of people. I see the worst of people. It can be a very good time or it can be a very bad time. It can be full of adrenaline pumping excitement or it can be a tedious grind. Such is my life as a nurse. Some days /nights are wonderful. Everyone works in sync with each other. We are like a fine orchestra, each with our parts to be played…different but equally important parts.

Of course, there are times when everyone is out of tune. There is no harmony, no melody to be played. There are just fractured segments. Everyone pays. Those are the times I like to forget. But those can be valuable times of learning. We can learn to rewrite our parts so that we can all hum along. I fret over those times too much sometimes. How can I change? What can I do?

For all we talk about getting to know ourselves and each other and living the authentic life, it is a bit difficult. It is a lot difficult. Best to just focus on the moment and do the best I can. So I am feeling rushed for time. I am breathless looking at the shift before me. The call bells are ringing. I have to do this. I have to do that. Oh, my God, how can I possibly?!!

I paused and took a breath. I deleted the pictures in my head. I put one foot in front of the other, answered one call bell at a time, emptied one bedpan at a time, checked this, checked that, consulted and cooperated with my teammate….I did the best I could. Sometimes my best came with a touch of grouchiness, but I still made some of my patients laugh. They still thanked me. They are generous. The night passed.

And I AM here. The words are falling from my fingertips. I am feeling at ease with myself and the universe. And the sun is streaming through the window. Soon I will go to bed. I am happy.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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