Sometimes things happen in a blink of an unthinking eye.  You wonder what led to this?  And you ponder and ponder until your head and heart hurt.  You still don’t under- stand.  You obsess about it, making yourself feel worse and worse and still you beat yourself about it.  At least it is what I do. I am humble enough now that I know I am not that much different than anybody else.  I am not better or worse.  I am just human, with emotions.

And so I cried a little at work yesterday.  I cried, not the big boo hoo hoo type with the sobs and crocodile tears, but just the tiny ones at the corners of your eyes, the break in my voice and runny nose.  It was very weird.  My nose never runs except when I’m eating soup and when I cry.

There really is not one thing that led to the moment of tears and frustration, but many little and not so little things over time.  I recognize it for the frustration and helplessness that I feel.  In that instant I see how I am harming myself with how I speak and do in the face of helplessness and powerlessness.  I feel anger inside and I say I do not care.  I take those habits home with me.  I behave and say the same thing to my partner in difficult situations.  Is that good for me?

Of course not!  I say good for me because I can only control what I do.  I ask not what work or anyone else can do for me.  I only ask of myself what can I do to make it better for me and for my work.  And so I remind myself of  Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements again.

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I remind myself of the teachings of Caroline Myss, HeatherAsh Amara, Tara Brach…..I remember The Power of Habit.  It is a tough road we human beings are on.  I want to feel empowered, enlightened.  I am empowered and awake.  I am not a victim.

I spent a restless, sleepless night though I prepared myself with a warm relaxing bath, took some medications to help me sleep.  I got up and made a cup of ginger tea but the only one that slept the night in our house was Sheba.  By about 3 am, I made the decision that I was not fit for work.  My shoulders ached from hugging myself, my throat sore.  Please don’t let it be Strep throat!  In my condition, I would not be an asset at work.  If I can’t be a solution, then I will not be a problem.  Since I am professionally licensed to assess others’ physical condition, I should use my skill to care for myself.

There’s five months before my big day, the big RETIREMENT.  I am hoping that I will leave nursing in a grand style, for it is a grand profession.  It is helping ourselves to become better human beings by service to others.  And we are richly rewarded spiritually and financially.  I would be very grateful for any help towards a graceful exit.  I am not a crazy Asian woman.  I do not need to act nor talk like one, for it is not who I am.

I will stop obsessing and crying now.  I am released from my negativity.  There is much out there in the world.  I will become an explorer of it.  Everything is interesting.  I just need to look closer.  It is good to alter my course.  I am retiring from nursing, not life.  My partner is leaving for Ghana next week for six weeks.  I will not go with him this time.  Sheba and I will tend the hearth at home.  We will miss him and ESCAPE3POINTS but space and time apart is not a bad thing and maybe I will learn to appreciate them both better.  Here’s his video of ESCAPE3POINTS: