I think retirement has been good for me. A year later, I am standing slightly straighter, my smile more relaxed, albeit goofy. I’m working on being natural and ‘me’. My vegetable beds look awesome, don’t they? I’m slowly excavating and recovering the lost parts of myself – my core, my hard drive.
I wonder if I have been suffering from what they call ‘compassion burn out’. I do not miss work at all nor have any desire to revisit my place of employment of 34 some years. It is strange and troubles me sometimes. Does my work have so little meaning? I feel cynical and sarcastic at different times.
I thought I would be tapping out story after story of my life as a nurse. There were many stories over the years, some funny, some not. You could count on plenty of drama. There was always plenty of poop if not blood and gore. My blog was set up, BUT the words and stories were slow to come. My memory went blank. My mind fled the scene.
Now the blog sits abandoned like an unfinished house, waiting for the contractor to return. Its few posts are still standing, bravely holding the space till the once-upon-a- nurse returns to tell her tales. Will she? Can she – recover her nursing cap and pin? Can her fingers tap out the medical history? Only time can tell.
Meanwhile she is busy clear cutting the under/over growth of her life. Woolly and wild things can take over when you are busy slinging bedpans and saving lives. Now the weeds are being machete-ed. There are clearings in her forest. She can breathe. She can almost think again. She has resuscitated herself.
The bread is rising, the flowers are blooming, the guy is tinkering in the garage. Sheba is keeping a close eye on him.
She is tap, tapping out her history.
onethousandandtwo 
I found myself feeling your need to break away from your “title” of being a nurse (as I was a nurse before becoming disabled I can relate) for so many years you were literally EVERYTHING to so may and your life was about others, their needs, wants and desires, I am happy to see you are now clearing out the weeds in your garden and in your mind…enjoy time to be “you” and find out exactly who you are… enjoy taking it day by day and not having a plan of action… just enjoy life. I think baking some bread, growing a garden sounds pretty well earned (and the garden looks great by the way)
Thank you so much, kimberlee! So wonderful to hear from another nurse who ‘s been there and can relate. Your comment is so heart warming. I hope you are doing well.
Lily, you are the most amazing clear voice! Yes, you are in burnout–and I say that from me as a stress management expert–but you are doing everything right to recover. You will know when it’s time to write about what. May I boldly suggest something? When you do feel possible storytelling coming on, just make some notes (perhaps one Word document with a series of notes) about uplifting moments you had in your nursing career. Nickname the stories so you can get back to those notes when you feel moved to talk about that baby’s birth, that man’s life saved, that patient that made the doctors laugh, the patient who walked out and returned to recontinue treatment. An d many blessings on your path!
Thank you so much, Kebba! That’s a very good idea , making notes with nicknames. It’s nice to know I’m going down the right path.