Tag Archives: life

DAY 14 UBC – SOME THINGS YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF

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Some Things You Have to Let Go of

I’ve just done a whirlwind harvest. I’m whopped! I resent not being an Energizer Bunny. I want to go on and on. Alas, I can only go on and then I’m out of huff. That’s how I am. I have to let go of what I can’t do and do the things I can.

This morning the low pressure tire light came on in the car enroute to my exercise class. I pulled over and had a look to see that I’m not driving with a flat. I’ve done that before. All good but it still nagged at me. It would be an easy thing to stop at a tire shop on the way home. They do it for free. I’ve done it before. But it felt difficult. I didn’t want to do it though I tried to tell myself it would be good for me. But my other self said how is that good for me? I don’t have to challenge myself on stupid things. Let the guy do it. It’s a guy thing. It would make him feel good. That won me over. Now I’m convinced that I make life harder than it need be too often. I should relax a little more and more often.

My plan had been to return some library books on the way home this morning. But I didn’t want to drive too much on low tires. The tires are pumped up now but I’m not. I had talked myself into doing the harvest first and then do the library. But now I’m too tired. It’s cold and windy out. I hustled my butt pulling and cutting veggies. I’m talking to myself again. The books can wait another day. There’s no fines because of Covid. There’s lots of traffic this time of the day. My fatigue could cause me to be careless.

My other self didn’t argue with me. So here I sit, sipping my cuppa and tapping for the 14th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s good to talk it out, assesse the situation to see if the doing needs doing. Sometimes the not doing is the better choice. Sometimes I get twisted about the stupidest things. Tell me you do, too. Please!

DAY 13 UBC – WHAT IF I JUST SIT

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What if I Just Sit

The bread is in the oven. They will be done in 30 minutes. I have a bit of a breather. Even when you think you got it together, it’s still an all day affair. There’s just no way around it . I’ve been doing this same recipe for almost 9 years. I know it by heart and the knead of it. I’ve learned to give myself over to this bake bread day. I do savour the breaks in the process.

Usually I like to sit and sip my tea and scroll or read. This morning none of that was appealing. I thought why don’t I just sit. Why don’t I? It was easier said than done. I think my brain has been slowly eroded and reprogrammed by all our technology. It felt peculiar to just sit and stare into space. I felt my impatient self talking. Now what? I can’t just sit. I felt my brain doing a scan. I don’t want to read anything. I don’t want to scroll on my iPhone. What is it that I want to do?

My head is talking to itself. I have only 30 minutes before I have to tend to the dough. Think fast. What can I do? My Jesus cross stitch flashed through my mind. But how much can I do? Now I have less than 30 minutes. Then I hear my mother’s voice talking about a bucket filling with one drop at a time. So I translated that into a stitch at a time. I dug out my Jesus kit. Once upon a few years ago, I said I would have it done by Christmas. I can make it this Christmas. I have two and a half months. It’s never too late until it is.

I get about 8 cross stitches done and my timer went off. I was just getting back into the hang of it. But I had to tend to the dough. I didn’t quite hop up right away. It was a bright sunny morning and the sunroom was warm and such a delight. I didn’t tarry long but when I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by an over eager and over festive dough. Eeeek!

I haven’t sat much after that till now. But it’s all water under the bridge. The loaves are baked and cooling their heels on my new racks. All the clean up is done. Why don’t I just sit for a little bit longer, eh? I feel a bit done.

DAY 12 UBC – E IS FOR EFFORT

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E is for Effort

The ham is in the oven. It is Thanksgiving Monday. I am a little tired. I had trouble laying down to sleep last night. It’s that time of year of allergies and dry air. Time to get the humidifier out soon. But I’m none the worse for wear. I’m keeping on top of my goal for October. I’m still looking for the gold in everything. It’s day 12 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m almost halfway through.

Some days it is more of a struggle with everything. That’s just life. That’s how it is. So you just have to give it a little more effort. I miss my daily walks with Sheba. They have been part of my every day for almost 14 years. The guy misses them, too. So this morning we walked each other to the park, along Sheba’s route. We passed her sitter, Carol’s house. Carol doesn’t live their anymore. But we still think of it as hers.

It’s a bit of sad affair. The yard is full of weeds and overgrown shrubs. We saw a chair lift, something recently added, by the front door. We knew that the man’s wife has MS. We’ve never seen her in the 2-3 years they’ve lived there. We’ve only seen the dogs in the backyard that was full of their poop. The man was seldom seen. The lift is a reminder to us that we know nothing of their circumstances or challenges. Keeping up the yard is probably very low on their priority list. Let us not be their judges.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I’m reminded how much I have to be grateful for. Being healthy and physically independent is huge. So I am tired. I can rest. I didn’t sleep well last night. I will sleep better tonight having had a morning walk and raking the front yard. So ends another day and effort. It’s not fancy. And it is not great or profound. I showed up. Mary Oliver sums it up nicely in her poem, Praying.

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.”

DAY 11 UBC – CHOW MEIN OR CHOP SUEY

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Chow Mein or Chop Suey

Sunday. Eleven days into October. I’ve had a good run. Now I need a moment to gather myself. I was on the brink of falling back into my old self of grumbling. It is just a habit. I breathed through it. I can see why exercise is good for you in the morning. It stretches body and mind. It gets the endorphins going. But going out for a walk or a run on my own was not appealing. I tackled my chores instead. Now I’m truly awake but not feeling restful or congenial. So back to the drawing board.

I know that there would be days like this. It is very irksome. It is Thanksgiving. I’ve invited my parents for supper. We’re into the 9th month of no family meals. My mother came down with shingles at the beginning of February. Then Covid came. It wasn’t until the middle of May that she was done with the shingles, medication and doctor’s appointments. I felt it was the least I could do that we share a meal together at long last.

It’s funny to say the decision caused some worry. Was it a good thing or not? She had accepted my brother’s invitation. Then she thought about it and changed her mind. Both my sister-in-law and niece worked in the hospital. Plus my nephew is a medical resident and his girlfriend a nurse – in a hospital. I think she made the right choice. Both she and my father are up in their years. Both are health compromised. No need to put them at more risk.

I think we are a better and safe choice for supper mates. We are both retired with a small social circle. We are ordering in. But then there’s the menu. What to order? Even in a restaurant, ordering Chinese sends me into an indecision crisis. Back in those days, I never had to. Usually my brother and sister-in-law have that honour. They frequent restaurants more and know all the dishes. But, I’ve finally sweated through the ordeal. I have completed the order online, paid and receipted. Now the guy just have to pick it up at 6 pm.

DAY 10 UBC – DEDICATED TO THE ONE I LOVE

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Dedicated to the One I Love

It’s Saturday, the day my fur baby left for doggy heaven. We miss her but life goes on as the saying goes. It is true. It does. For everything that happens, the world still spins on its axis as it rotates around the sun. And we are all going along with it. Saturday is still my favourite day even though she is no longer here with me physically. My memories of her are warm and sweet.

I will have none of the bitter sweet stuff. I am careful of my thoughts and what I feed my brain. Loss and the end of things can be/are painful but it is the natural order of things. There is a beginning, middle and an ending to all living things. The challenge lies within our finiteness. We don’t have forever. Time is precious like water. I don’t want it to drain/waste away. This is one of those AHA moments I’ve encountered in this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’m learning when to turn off the tap. There’s no point in bashing my head against the wall on things I can’t change. I’ve only hurt myself. It is insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Things are not complicated but we make it so. I am having fun and learning as well in this round of the Challenge. Sometimes it is challenging, trying finding the time to write every day and read others and comment as well. But I also find it motivating. I just do the best I can. We are all different. I admire those who does it so well. I try to return visits when I can.

As you can see, I AM finding my way around this new WordPress thing. In the end it turns out the same. I was stuck on the classic version. I hung on with tooth and nail – till they took it away. I was forced into changing. The change is good for my brain’s neuroplasticity. I was hanging onto Sheba hard, too. I couldn’t hang on forever. I have my sweet memories without the bitter part. She was the most pretty and happy girl. I love her.

DAY 9 UBC – HAPPY AT LAST

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Happy At Last

It’s a cool overcast morning. It’s the kind of day I want to curl up with my quilt and while away the moments. Instead, I’m sitting here tapping and eating left over pizza. It tastes mighty fine. I think I shall have more. I have to give in to these urges now and then. I have to give myself a break or two. I wanted to cancel my exercise class this morning. I meditated and talked myself out of it. Then the exercise cancelled me! A water main problem. No water at the facility.

The universe does listen to us and give us what we need. I’m more attentive now. I try to respond instead of blindly react. I’ve had some very full days and in need of a rest. I’m happy nature is giving it to me. I don’t have to feel guilty about being out and making hay while the sun shines. It’s taking time out, too. There is a reason and season for everything.

This is the season of seeing and understanding for me. My fellow bloggers in this UBC seemed to be writing for me, about things that I specifically need to see right now. How wonderful of them! And the things are not really new to me. It is that I’m seeing and understanding in a different light. It makes me think, Well, how stupid was I! It makes me give my head a shake and a slap to my face. Most of all, I’m singing to myself. I’m happy. At last I’m happy.

And what might those things be, you wonder. They are really simple. I’ve probably written about them myself many many times before. But until they hit, electrofied and lit me up like a LED bulb, I never truly understood the concepts. I think we each have to figure out for ourselves what adds and what takes away from our lives.

DAY 8 UBC – I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

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I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Not every morning, day and anything are equal. I wouldn’t want it to be, would you? Where would the challenge be then? It would be like Bill Murray waking up to the same day, every day in Groundhog Day. A person could go bonkers! Change is good for us. Having said that, it doesn’t stop me wishing for the comfort of the endless sun shiny days. It’s our human default mode. We hate change. We hate discomfort and inconvenience. We hate interruption of a good thing.

You might have guessed it. Today is a cloudy and windy morning. We’ve had a light shower. It’s not conducive for productivity or joy. I should amend that. It can and does lead to creativity. Clouds sometimes give us pause make us reach deeper into ourselves. They can be an impetus for writing poetry, making music and other pursuits. I think we call them silver linings. Without clouds where would we get the rain for our rose gardens?

It’s getting towards the end of the day. I’m feeling a bit challenged on finishing this post. The day did not stay cloudy. The afternoon was lovely, warm and filled with sunshine. My persons came for afternoon tea and snacks. I was excused from my duty of ladder holding and fetching bandaids. It was a lovely visit. I am not high maintenance. I need only a person or two, good conversation and caring. I don’t need travel or shopping. I am a happy homebody.

DAY 7 UBC – THEN AND NOW

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Then and Now

Today I can say to myself, You’ve come a long ways, baby. I have. It feels damn good. We have to document these moments, these milestones for prosperity. What better time than during the Ultimate Blog Challenge? It is a beautiful October, full of sunshine, blue skies and autumn leaves. I am filled with good tidings and joy. Not too long ago, I was crying the blues, writing alot about my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and all my woes. I must have sounded like a sad sack.

That is not to say that I will have smooth sailing from now on. Or that I will sound forever like Pollyanna. I could very well and most likely will, fall off the cheerful wheel soon enough. But for now I can luxuriate in my joy bubble bath. That is my theme/goal for this challenge. I want to talk about the good times. I know it has only been 7 days but I can see that setting intentions work. Talking/focusing less of bad vibes brings more good vibes. Less is more.

It is getting on in the evening. We’ve had a busy day putting sidings on the greenhouse. The dishes and shower are calling. Then there’s Grey’s Anatomy and ice cream. It has been a wonderful day spent outdoors, working on our dream project. It is good for my soul soaking up sunshine and looking at the blue sky. I was a helper, ladder holder and bandaid fetcher. In between I raked leaves, sat and sipped tea.

DAY 6 UBC DAYS OFF AND GREY’S ANATOMY

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Days Off and Grey’s Anatomy

This morning I was happy to languish a little and sip on my second cup of tea. It felt like a day off. There’s no swimming or aerobics class to dash off to. Of course every day is a day off now that I am retired from the rat race. Back in the days when I was still slinging bedpans, wiping butts and saving lives, our opening line to each other was: Are you on days off? Did you sleep? Our lives were as insular within hospital walls as those portrayed on Grey’s Anatomy.

When you are right in the middle of it, you don’t see what’s coming. You just live it. You think you will sort it all out – later. I knew enough though not to live it via the small screen, too, while I was still working. Once was enough. So now it is later. It’s a real pleasure to live it again through Netflix. I had forgotten the reason why I had only watched a few beginning episodes. I already had too much real life drama. No need for more. Time/days off was to get away from it all.

Now I see it. Now I see and understand how work had impacted on me. It’s taken 9 seasons of Greys Anatomy for me to see it. I am a slow learner. Hindsight is better than no clue. I can still learn from it. It’s still useful in my present time off. I can see how much alike and different Cristina Yang and I are. We are the yin and the yang. Maybe it’s because we are Asian sisters. We don’t like hugs and being mushy, I can identify with Meredith Grey, too, in that I’m a running commentary. Like Cristina and Meredith, I have my person. And that’s the best thing.

It’s nice to have days off even though I don’t punch a clock any more. It’s when I give myself permission to slack off a bit, sip my cuppa a little slower and just enjoy and not take myself so seriously.

P.s. We watch Grey’s most evenings with ice cream.

DAY 5 UBC – STUMBLING TOWARDS ECSTASY

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Stumbling Towards Ecstasy

A hundred tulip bulbs later, I’m feeling a little bushed. I still have 10 lily bulbs to contend with. They will wait till tomorrow. I will have to remember all this next fall so I won’t have a repeat. In all likelihood I will have forgotten it all by spring. When I see the parade of beautiful tulips in bloom, I will say: I want to get more. And I will gladly do it all over again. As encouragement, a young lady with flaming red hair and wide smile, cycling past on the sidewalk called out. “I love your yard!”

She has ridden by before in the spring when the tulips were in bloom. And she called out just as enthusiastically. It was music to my ears. It brought so much pleasure to my whole being. It reminds me to do the same for others. If I/you see something you appreciate, we should let the person know. It doesn’t cost anything and it could do so much for the other person. Be generous. Be kind. Otherwise be silent. There, that’s another motto.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Mother Theresa. I’m struggling with it all. I complain and bitch about people. I find faults. I’m judgemental, too. I am ashame. I know better. Yet I still stumble and falter. Alas, I’m too human. Sometimes I cannot overcome. I cannot bite my tongue. After, I try not to beat up on myself too much. I already feel the shame and regret. And so I take a moment to let that feeling sink in, to remember it for the future reference. And maybe then I will have fewer and fewer stumbles.