CONTEMPLATION

Posted on May 21, 2013 by hafong

Sheba and I are spending time alone today. She is cuddled up with her toys and I am sitting before my keyboard, tapping out my thoughts and feelings.

It has been a good day. I am not only reading self-help books, but I am actually putting my gained knowledge into use….finally. Imagine that! I have spent a lifetime gathering information on mood disorders and how to be happy. But knowledge without action equals zilch. If we keep doing the same things over and over, we keep getting the same results. Who said that…Oprah, Dr. Phil or some other luminary? You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but sometimes a hammer on the head is necessary.

After reading Sitting Kills, Moving Heals by Joan Vernikos, I decided I better MOVE today. And so I did. Sheba and I went for an early morning walk after breakfast. The morning sunshine and kids going to school was energizing. I did my qigong routine after we got home. I breathed and moved, clearing my stagnant chi.

Having limbered and stretched, I got on my bike before I could procrastinate away the opportunity. I am learning to prioritize…get the important things done first. I rode to the park at the school, pedaling along the meandering paths, practicing gear shifts. I made it up the hill once. On my second time around, I couldn’t find the right gear and couldn’t make it up. I had to stop and turn the bike around. It was still a valiant effort.

I kept my natural restlessness in check by moving – doing my neglected daily living activities. I ironed my uniforms and damp mopped the floors in a steady leisurely pace. I tried to keep my attention focused on what I was doing. I was practicing the yoga of housekeeping. I felt a certain pleasure in doing my chores. Weird!

It sure sounds like I did a lot today. I did, compared to my usual slothful ways. Sheba and I even went to the park after lunch and then stopped at the library on the way home. The secret for me is tiny steps and small varied chores….a little of this and a little of that. They add up big.

I’m not saying it was easy, but I’m not saying it was hard either. Throughout the day, I felt moments of blueness, anxiety, fatigue. I took a break in those moments for a cup of tea, a handful of walnuts, an avocado. I laid on the floor and did some stretching and meditation. I’m not at all flexible. My mind wanders. So what?

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER.

And my mood waxes and wanes…the blueness and anxiety. They are fleeting, but I resist the need for conversation, company and comfort. Sometimes you need to spend time with yourself…to wrestle with your demons or to talk with the angels. You cannot share everything. You have to save something for yourself.

IT’S ALL IN THE PUSH OFF

Posted on May 12, 2013 by hafong

Yesterday, I got back up on my horse, the bike, to see if I can ride it again. It’s been 20 some years since I was on it. I tried a couple of years ago but my confidence was gone and I failed and I fell and didn’t get back on.

It’s funny about the things that matter to a person. It’s odd about the things that matter to me. Getting back on the bike matters to me. So out to the back alley I go. I decide that the dirt was no harder to fall on the pavement of an empty school parking lot. Besides, I have more privacy. I do not want laughing eyes upon this mature fool falling off a bike.

Do you know how scary it is getting on a bike, especially when you have short legs and your feet no way can touch the ground even with the seat lowered to the max? But….I once rode this baby to work in traffic. I should be able to do it again. There’s that word again….SHOULD.

With SHOULD echoing in my mind, I line my bike behind my neighbour’s fence beside some pipes where I could rest my foot and push off. I breathe, I push, I fall….Too many grooves in the ground. I could not get enough momentum to stay upright.

I dust myself off, pick up the bike and scan for another starting off spot. I line myself along some landscape ties behind another fence. Perfect! I breathe and pushed off. I cannot describe the fear I felt as I pushed off, letting go of gravity, letting go of touching something solid. But I remain upright, riding down the back alley.

So back and forth I went in the alley. I chose a place with a higher grassy bank to stop and get off, in case I fall off instead of getting off. To my delight, the spot was high enough for me to push off from, too. I’m learning to breathe and PUSH OFF, letting go and trusting in the universe and the law of gravity.

BREATHE, PUSH OFF, LET GO of fear and the shoulds of perfection. Practice makes better.

IF

Posted on May 10, 2013 by hafong

I used to hinge so many things upon the little word, IF. If I was taller, if I was smarter, if this, if that. Yes, if I wasn’t Chinese, I would be have bigger bosoms. I would be more desirable. I would have more men panting after me. I would be happier. And if only the cow could jump over the moon……What then?

We cannot realize our what ifs. This is how I console myself today in the midst of my anxieties and throat in my mouth moments. Just keep driving. Keep your attention on the road. Smile! You are on candid camera. Talk. Keep the conversation going. Move. Breathe. Live. One breath at a time. One moment at a time.

There. The day is almost done. You have risen from bed, stretched and bended and reached forward. You have jogged with Sheba around the neighbourhood. You have driven through traffic, met and breakfasted with friends. You have divided and repackaged the meat you bought yesterday for the freezer. And you have met with your podiatrist. Your feet thank you. It is a miracle. I have not been frozen in my fears and what ifs.

So maybe the cow can jump over the moon. I am on the other side of if now. I CAN.

SOME DAYS

Posted on May 7, 2013 by hafong

Some days life is damn hard. You just want to lay down, even amid your own dirt and grime. You don’t want to lift your head off the floor. It is on those days when I feel I can’t, I DO.

I do any little thing that I can .

lift my head off the floor
take a single step
make the bed
make a cup of tea
write a word, a sentence, a paragraph
put in a load of dishes, laundry
pick up something off the floor besides myself
sit on the deck, sweep the deck
pull out last year’s tomato plant(s)
put in pickets around flower bed to keep Sheba out
take Sheba for a walk
yoga. qigong
file one thing

These days have been hard. It does not matter for what reasons. But one thing for sure is that they will pass and in the meantime, you still have to do, whatever you can, however you can. Cause you want to be ready to rock and roll when you come out of the ‘some’ days.

EARLY MORNING MUSINGS

Posted on May 2, 2013 by hafong

Hurray, it is 6:30 am and the sun is up and so am I. The house is suffused with the quiet and soft light of early morning.

I love this time of the day when the city is still asleep. Traffic is sparse and slow. It is quiet and peaceful. I can think. I can feel. This is my favourite vantage point, in my sun room, looking through the dining room into the living room. The lines and spaces are very pleasing to the eye. I feel pride in myself for having created it all by myself.

We must acknowledge and feel pride at our accomplishments. They fuel our passions….to live and to build. Passions need not always be fiery and grand. Sometimes they show up in our quiet moments. Our creative flair can appear in the soups, bread, pastries and snow forts we build on a whim.

PASSIONS AND SUCH

Posted on May 1, 2013 by hafong

Some mornings are hard for bouncing out of bed, like yesterday. I see the snow-covered lawn when I open the blinds. Some days are difficult to talk about passions, what you love. You feel this lethargy down to your toes. Much easier to just languish, rest on my duff and read someone else’s words of passion.

I had high hopes for today. The morning started with sunshine, no fresh snow on the ground. We talked about politics over breakfast, of charismatic leaders like Tommy Douglas, Pierre Eliot Trudeau, Jack Layton, etc. I thought about how passionate these men were, in the way they talked and in the way they carried themselves. I bemoaned our present day lack of such politicians. I was suffused with a desire to write of my own passions.

But now, here I sit. Words are difficult in coming. I get up to make a pot of coffee. Passions – where are they? What are they? Do I have any fires to light? I do know that I love words. But they are failing me now. They are not falling off my fingertips. It is a struggle to find them.

Struggle is something that is familiar to me. It permeates my life. It is not a good way to talk and I am making a conscious effort to re-frame my vision, my words – so that I see life as a challenge of effortless ease and not a struggle. After all, what is life without effort, without thought?

I thought about the challenges of my childhood. The things that rubbed on me was I didn’t know how to swim or to ride a bike. My parents did not allow me to have a bike nor to take swimming lessons. I did not understand why at the time. Perhaps it was they couldn’t afford to. But those two things left a big hole in me. Funny. I felt I was less of a person, lacking confidence.

The lack did me no harm. That lack pushed me onward as a adult to fill that void. Perhaps it taught me the beginnings of passion. I was well into adulthood before I could ride a bike or swim. But I was determined and I succeeded. My first bike was a second hand manual one that cost $7.00. They delivered it since I did not have a car and I didn’t know how to ride it home.

Can you believe that it took me a whole summer to learn how to float? Every day off, I would pack up my suit, cap, goggles and towel and head to the YWCA pool. It was monotonous and I was depressed as hell, but I persevered. I had already completed THE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED course but still couldn’t float. Slowly, slowly I floated and swam, not like a mermaid perhaps, but I could do ten laps once upon a time. And it has been a few years since I have ridden a bike with confidence. So now I need to get back on that horse again without fear of falling…and failing.

In my mature years, my challenge was Sheba. And what a challenge. People was surprised and asked: Why did you get a baby at your age? I was puzzled myself for I was not at all a dog person. The only answer I have is that she was meant for me. And what a challenge she was/is. We are together still.

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING

Posted on April 29, 2013 by hafong

I’m sitting here tap, tapping away on my keyboard. The words are spilling from my fingertips. I hope they will be good words. I hope the words are healing words. I am not always sure what will come out. I am only sure that it is better they come out than fester inside of me. We know that splinters hurt. It is best that they are dug out than left to infect.

I am not saying that all bad things hurt. Sometimes they are guidance from above. They are examples of where we have erred. It is hard to face our own mistakes until it glaringly shows up in others. It hits you in the belly and you feel the air go out. Ahhhh! The famous light bulb moment. Oh, THAT is me. So, THAT is what I have been doing. You are ever so grateful that now you see.

So do not ever despair of bad days or cloudy days. They, too, will pass and under every cloud, there IS a silver lining. All you have to do is look.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY or A LITTLE OF THIS AND THAT

Posted on April 28, 2013 by hafong

The nights are over and I am in recovery mode. After all these years, I am still trying to figure out how best to exit the night shifts and into the day. What is the best way to rejoin the rest of the world? Of course now, most of the world is out of kelter, too. We are all shifting in every which direction. So why try?

However, not trying does not feel good. So I give up sitting in front of the computer. My hair is standing on end. I cannot read. Nothing sinks in. My mouth feels like yesterday’s socks. I am tired and restless at the same time. I do not want to go to bed. The sun is out and the world is moving and I feel I should, too.

In the end, I give in to what my body needs….sleep. I brush my teeth and rinse the grit out of my mouth. I lay down and sleep only lasted 3 hours. Well, it is better than nothing. Oh the joy of shift or social jetlag! Thou is doing me in.

It is a week and a couple of day shifts later. I am still feeling like hell. What excuse do I use now…the weather and changing barometric pressures? Why not. End of April and I am still bundling up in winter coat and scarf one day. The next, I’m in short sleeves and leveling the snow pile in the garden and I’m sweating. Is that normal?

I woke up this morning with all my bones aching. My fingers are swollen and my hands sore and throbbing. I felt nauseous with pain. I was whiny and miserable. I felt like throwing a temper tantrum but I am just a little too old for that. So a painkiller was the next best thing. It saved the day and a few nerves.

The pill put out the fire in my hands and a small smile on my lips. It eased my way out the door for a walk with Sheba in the morning and the afternoon. I was not what you call a ball of fire but I did a little bit of this and a little bit of that. The laundry got done. My uniforms got ironed. Yesterday’s shopping of meat got cleaned, packed, labeled and put in the freezer. The floor did not get vacuumed but they were swept. I remembered not to dwell on perfection. I remembered to start where I am. I remembered that I am not responsible for everything, that it’s not my fault that people are unhappy. I remembered.

Now the day is done. The sun has set and I am sipping wine.

COFFEE WITH MY MOTHER

Posted on April 18, 2013 by hafong

What really matters to me is that I am able to give back to my mother what she has given to me….love and attention. So when she tells me that she is missing her sister and that she is feeling so not all right and could I take her out for coffee, it is my pleasure to do so.

I had been wondering how she would deal with my auntie’s death. Even though they were separated by many miles, they spoke frequently on the telephone up to 2 weeks before my auntie’s death. By then she was not herself anymore. She was sometimes confused and angry, hitting and scratching at my cousins, too weak to speak with my mother. But she died peacefully at home.

My mother was a bit surprised by her own grief. She felt a bit ashamed of her ‘weakness’. She said that all her siblings were like that. My uncles all cried unabashedly at the funeral. When someone said that they shouldn’t be crying because my aunt was, after all 93, they cried all the harder. So that’s my mother’s side of the family. They lived in each others’ hearts.

My coffee times with my mother are somewhat akin to Tuesdays with Morrie. It’s been a long time since I have read the book, but I remember that those Tuesdays were filled with love, communication and acceptance. That’s how I feel about my time I spent with my mother. She is a great storyteller and a very wise woman despite her lack of formal education. I am who I am because of my mother. And it is a wonderful thing.

KEEP DRIVING ON AHEAD

Posted on April 16, 2013 by hafong

The world is still reeling from the Boston marathon bombing. How can we understand such a tragedy? We cannot. I cannot so I will not even try.

Would it be safe, accurate or fair to say that the marathon is just a bigger arena for society’s ills to be played? I could say that sometimes these dramas are frequent occurrences at my work place…only on a much smaller scale. Just last week an incarcerated patient with two guards escaped from their care and went down the back elevator. How all this happen is a mystery.

When I got to work, the hospital grounds were full of police cars. Breakfast was late as the hospital was shut down and the police combed every room and closet. Patients asked what they were looking for. A bomb? How do you reassure them. I thought a person was better than a bomb. But I didn’t specify. We got the ALL CLEAR by 9:30. And he was found later in the day in a car downtown.

This is just one of many incidences where our safety is at risk that we have to deal with, along with the usual duties of saving lives, emptying bedpans, reassuring patients and families. Sometimes we forget about ourselves. Who can understand what has happened to our world?

But I still try to take in the what is right and the beautiful in the world – the yin and the yang, the shadow and the light. Perhaps we need both to guide us. So I breathe, relax and keep driving ahead, with them windshield wipers slapping time and singing along.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life