COMING HOME -beginning a year of…

Posted on July 23, 2016 by hafong

I can’t believe that I’ve been away since May 11th. Coming back, sitting here, tentatively tapping at the keyboard is both exhilarating and uncomfortable. The familiar sound and rhythm are soothing. I am stretching to find the words. I am starting a new project.

I haven’t been happy lately with how life and the world have unfolded. I would hazard a guess that I have a lot of company in that respect. I am disappointed with how I am unfolding. I am not living up to my own standards. See what I mean? I am beating on myself again – repeating past history. I want to change. If I change my actions, maybe I can change my brain. My brain is hardwired to my habits – or is it the other way around?

I Dare Our world is dark and gloomy but magic still resides. Merlin is listening, waiting with his abrahcadabra! After I expressed my wish for change, I found Luann Cahn’s book, I Dare Me among my bag of library books. The wish was already in me and the Universe knew.

So here I am, embarking on this new venture – a year of consciously doing something new. I can do it. This confidence and optimism is new. I CAN DO IT.

I will not be bungee jumping off a tall building in Las Vegas. Or sky diving or mountain climbing. But then I don’t know where this project will take me. For now, the challenge of change and writing about it every day will be exciting enough.

To mark this special occasion of change/transformation, I have clipped my hair. It’s like popping that champaign bottle for me. Here I am post clipping, fresh from the shower, no mousse. Not short/daring enough. Next time. I see I could use some makeup. That would be something new for me – makeup every day. I do hate those girls who takes such lovely selfies. Another first – expressing my envy!

RAINY MORNING MUSINGS

Posted on May 10, 2016 by hafong

It’s raining – the first of the year. I’m grateful. My garden is grateful – for this drink of life. It is cool – 4 degrees Celsius after last week’s blistering 32. Tomorrow and the next night, the forecast for -1 and -2 respectively. Nothing is predictable anymore. Was anything ever? Have a look at what is happening in Fort McMurray, Alberta. It is like a dream. I am sure it is a nightmare for the residents fleeing their city as the fires rages.

I am philosophical, uncertain but happy and grateful this rainy, cool 10th of May. I took a tour of my garden, securing the covers over the tender young tomatoes I planted 2 days ago. I might have been too optimistic and foolish thinking that the temperature could not possibly dip below 0 anymore. But what the hey? Nothing ventured, nothing gained/learned. I have a good feeling about my green thumb. I feel like a winner at the moment. I’m going with it.

I’ve doubted my feelings and myself for too long. I’m making up by taking taking a giant big step forward. I’m being confident. I’m being happy with myself as I am, no apologies. It feels good. There’s no time for putting myself on the back burner for others. I’m moving closer and closer towards my own mortality every day. If I don’t live for me now, when then?

Life is messy and wonderful. That is what I take away from Anne Lamott. In Bird by Bird she wrote,

“Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived …Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation… Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist’s true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.”

I am now wondering why I have been so taken with Marie Kondo and her The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I have been a clutter bug all my life. I could learn to be a little neater but more would be trying to get a leopard to rid its spots or a zebra its stripes. What was I thinking? There’s beauty and artistry in our clutter and messes. After all, it is what our lives are made of.

I am tired of holding my breath, suspending my animation. I am letting me out of the bag. So happy to have this rainy interlude to muse much about it all and savour life.

A DAY LIKE TODAY

Posted on April 16, 2016 by hafong

Saturday morning, sunlight streaming through the windows. A morning too beautiful to be distracted by a million useless thoughts. They are teeming and floating in my brain like the dust motes in sunbeams. I want to eradicate them, but the more I try, the more agitated I become. There’s nothing to do but to accept every one of them gracefully and move along as best as I can.

What I need to do today is physical work, moving one foot in front of the other. Do one thing and then another. No deep thoughts or brain surgery today. If thoughts arise, I can watch them as clouds floating by. No good in delving into them. I cannot solve the mysteries of life – especially on days when I feel like this.

Days like this are best spent in quiet solitude. No point in seeking company or help either. I bet even my mother is not available. Best hunker down, take a breath and ease myself. Words are not coming easily. Sentences do not form. Thoughts assault my head in tangles. Get a grip. Get a move on. What can you do?

~~~~~

It is evening now. My thoughts and nettles have settled. Lunch have been made and ate. I have doodled and transplanted seedlings of cabbages, kohlrabi and other things of green. Sheba and I have walked. Supper is in the making. Now I sit and tap a few words here and there. Nothing to write home about. Nothing lost either. I am sure there will be more days like today ahead. The thing is not to despair, not to think too much and not to strive at all. The thing to do is just that – do.

There is pleasure in doing – the physical satisfaction of something accomplished despite everything going against our grain. You see, I do strive even though. I can’t help myself. There is nothing wrong in being your authentic self.

STILL SOMETHING

Posted on March 31, 2016 by hafong

Well, hello there. It is Thursday and I have a story for Friday Fictioneers. We gather each week to tell stories of 100 words or so according to a photo prompt. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Anyone can join in if so inclined. Here’s my 100 words.

PHOTO PROMPT © Marie Gail Stratford

It was a long ways down. Her hair fluttered across her face. The moving traffic below made her dizzy. She pulled back from the edge, stumbling. Her heart caught in her throat and she had to bend over to catch her breath.

Tears streamed down her face. She was not good for anything. No brains. No looks. No money. No courage. How was she going to face everyone, anyone? She was such a failure. Now what?

She stood and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. An anger rose in her. She had, still has something after all. Her stubbornness.

A SPARK IN THE DARK

Posted on March 27, 2016 by hafong

I HAD so many good intentions of doing this morning. It’s like that every morning. And no surprise, the day is gone and so are my intentions. Not that I’ve been sitting on my ass all day. I always feel this sense of procrastination. It feels as if I’m waiting for disaster to hit but I’m a deer in headlights – unable to move. I’m at a standstill. This is the usual place where the desire for another cup of tea is paramount. Instead, let me rise and put my immediate space in order.

~~~~~

It is the next morning, Easter Sunday. I am here with my tea. I’m still that deer in headlights. I am angry with myself. I feel the toxic fumes of those feelings. I don’t like it so I’m releasing my anger valve much like opening the vent on the pressure cooker. Hissss. Take another sip of your tea. Tap a little more on the keyboard. Be a little more mindful. Be a spark in the dark. You are doing the best you can.

I will rise from my discomfort. I will let go of my self judgement. I will sip my tea and tap out the words. I will pass STOP.

HANDBASKETS

Posted on March 25, 2016 by hafong

It’s Good Friday. I’m feeling a tad sad. Not trying to sound poetic or anything. It’s just the way the words tumble out. I’m sitting here, sipping my infamous cup of tea. I’m tapping on the keyboard to soothe my soul. I know. I sound like a broken keyboard. But this is my space so I shan’t apologize for my repetitiveness. I’m doing what makes me feel good.

Ah, the sun is showing itself. Just in time, too. The tears were almost washing down my face. I see that some of my tomatoes and onions are poking their heads through the soil. They’re enough to bring a smile and stem the anxiety fluttering in my heart. How can one help it? The world has gone to hell in a handbasket – Paris, Belgium, my street. No place is safe. Was there ever?

Let me move on, away from the anxieties of the world. Let me hold on to what is near and dear. Better to count the eggs in the Easter basket than dwell on the world’s handbasket. Be here now. Everything is as it should be. There is nothing to fix.

WET NOODLE DAYS

Posted on March 24, 2016 by hafong

It is snowing again, fluffy flakes coming down. I think of Snow Falling on Cedars. Not so much of the movie but the image. There’s something about the phrase that grabs me every time. I try to capture it whenever it snows like this. I always fail even though the two Buddhas do make a nice picture. Maybe you can’t do everything with an iPhone.

Days like this, I just want to languish like a wet noodle on my love seat. Would it not be lovely not to have to do anything, be anything? It’s good in thought and theory. From past experience I know I will become a mushy wet noodle past resuscitation. So I give a great big sigh and heave myself up.

The past due bed linen are now in the wash. The thought of doing is much harder than the doing. I’m back, now craving another cup of tea. What is it that makes me delay and delay things? The answer, my friend, is blown in the wind. For now, I sit with the discomfort and my tea. It is not so bad. Perhaps I can get a few things done – make a list of to do’s. I have enough of those. It would feel good when I can cross them off.

~~~~~~

Much later, I am not feeling better. I have done more though list making did not happen. Perhaps I should not fight my nature. I am not an organizer, list maker, entrepreneur, pilot or astronaut. Better I put my effort in areas I can succeed. Today is not a good day to brainstorm on that. There is nothing wrong with having a wet noodle day once in awhile. I can still do laundry – and drink tea and slurp along at a slow speed.

DEAR RUTH

Posted on March 22, 2016 by hafong

Here I am, a little later and slower than yesterday. Some days are harder/easier, slower/faster than others. It’s taken me this while to show up for myself. Saving the best for the last as the saying goes. But that’s just a saying, not necessarily the truth. Every bit of life’s journey is the best. I realize the truths when I’m here, tapping out my stories. It’s like the times I have coffee with my mother and Tuesdays with Morrie. Stories have the magic of revealing the things we couldn’t see before. It’s in the telling that the lightbulb gets lit.

There are so many stories. Some are easy and some are hard to tell. I could fill a whole book about my neighbours who have come and gone over the years. I’m sure we all could. The thing with neighbours is that when they come and go, it’s often with sad stories. That is how it has been on the street where I live. Somewhere out there, there’s a song about this, I am sure.

This morning I found a copy of a letter I had taken great pains with to a neighbour. I had forgotten the ugly details of our relationship. Reading the letter reminded me it was bad enough that I thought of selling my house and moving. It was that toxic. Most people didn’t really believe my stories. They thought it was me. Some have told me that they were glad that they didn’t live next to me. I took all those things hard and personally and felt very bad about myself.

What I am learning about myself in telling this story is that I had no confidence in my own judgements. I believed what others tell me who/what I am. I see now that I listened and believed too much of their stories. I listened and took in too much of my neighbours’ woes, sadness, blame. Our fences did not put up any boundaries. Their troubles and sadness were not mine but they became mine.

We can gain wisdom in telling our stories. Sometimes it is only in retrospect that we see how silly we are. I was pretty silly, let me tell you! I am but a small Asian woman. I am not all that powerful. I am not God. Yet I have felt responsible for so many people, things, circumstances. It is only now I recognize I must stop doing this. It is funny how a letter can be such a lightbulb moment.

Thank you Ruth for inspiring me to write the letter. I see by it that I was/am a thoughtful and considerate person. I was not responsible for you.

IS THERE ANOTHER WAY?

Posted on March 21, 2016 by hafong

I am back with my cup of tea. Showing up can be as easy as that – showing up. I am sitting in this space – with a tap, a letter, word and a thought or two. The message for me this morning: Is there another way?

There is always another way. I am not happy this morning. In fact I was angry and unhappy waking up – with MYSELF. I probably took those thoughts and feelings with me to bed last night. I ask the hard question. Do I want to head in the direction of anger, resentment and self blame? Of course not. But. There is always that big BUT in the way.

BUT choosing a ~~new~~ different way is hard. Those well worn grooves are tricky. They don’t want to let go. I am still in the groove now, ruminating again over life’s quirks and quarks. Why can’t I just stop and move boldly forward? I’m reading the message in the picture –And otherwise start over again. That is what I need to do many times until a new groove/habit is form.

No better time to start in a different way than the present moment. No better time to start over than on a Monday, the beginning of a new week.

Today I looked at the world with different eyes. I questioned the validity of my thoughts. I changed the way I behaved if only slightly. I inhaled and exhaled before I reacted. I tried not to live in someone else’s sadness. I said no because that was what I wanted/needed to say. I did not apologize for no reason. I tried a different way of being today. Tomorrow I will try again.

WEEKENDS AND PROCRASTINATION

Posted on March 20, 2016 by hafong

It’s the weekend again. I am enjoying the slow ambience, sipping my morning tea, tapping away at the keyboard. I am trying to get over my inertia and get that creative juice flowing again. Once upon a time, I could sit here and write something every day. They might not have been masterpieces but they were something. People read them.

I have always been under the illusion that if you are talented, you would have no trouble in whipping up something with a snap of your fingers – be it a painting, book, meal or what not. I think maybe I’m just a lazy person, making excuses. Nothing comes easy. Not even a simple meal – unless someone else cooks it. It’s easy then to say, I could have done it. But it’s (cooking, writing, painting…) is really not my thing.

The truth is we can do anything if only we would start. That is the thing with procrastination. We sit and squirm with its discomfort but it’s damn hard to make the first move. It’s difficult to understand the mechanics of it. Maybe it’s just a habit. Accept that answer and let’s get a move on. Can you hang on a minute? I have to make another cup of tea.

I’m back. I was procrastinating again if you haven’t noticed. At least I’m not having coffee and a cigarette before I start/carry on with everything that I do. I did before. I have much healthier bad habits now. Perhaps I should not beat myself up for the things I have or haven’t done. Maybe it would be more productive to give credit to my accomplishments. That’s a new thought!

My little seedlings are thriving under the grow lights this morning. I started them a few weeks ago in brighter moods. Still I was able to seed all my tomatoes and onions when dark clouds crowded my mind. Just keep moving at whatever speed you’re capable of. You are not as slow as you think. You are not your thoughts. I do have some good habits.

Okay, I’m done my cup of tea. I better rise and do something else. I hope to be back here tomorrow for another cup or two of tea.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life