IMG_1686I HAD so many good intentions of doing this morning.  It’s like that every morning.  And no surprise, the day is gone and so are my intentions.  Not that I’ve been sitting on my ass all day. I always feel this sense of procrastination.  It feels as if I’m waiting for disaster to hit but I’m a deer in headlights – unable to move.  I’m at a standstill.  This is the usual place where the desire for another cup of tea is paramount.  Instead, let me rise and put my immediate space in order.


IMG_4681It is the next morning, Easter Sunday.  I am here with my tea.  I’m still that deer in headlights.  I am angry with myself.  I feel the toxic fumes of those feelings.  I don’t like it so I’m releasing my anger valve much like opening the vent on the pressure cooker. Hissss.  Take another sip of your tea.  Tap a little more on the keyboard.  Be a little more mindful. Be a spark in the dark. You are doing the best you can.

I will rise from my discomfort.  I will let go of my self judgement.  I will sip my tea and tap out the words.  I will pass STOP.



I like to start the morning with a cup of Tetley’s Chai, strong and sweet.  Its spiciness warms and stimulates me from the inside out.  One sip and I’m ready at the keyboard.

IMG_5896I am not good at directions.  Anyone who knows me knows that.  My mother says I got that from my father.  Funny how all my ‘bad’ traits came from that direction.  Never mind!  It’s a common dance between mothers and fathers.  If the children are wise, they would stay out of their way and not get their toes stepped on.

Back to directions.  I don’t have any.  I get lost a lot, especially in a new place.  My friends know that if I’m late meeting them, I’m probably lost.  But I am learning – after all these years – to get written directions before hand.  I go to google map and print it out.  Life can be that simple if you stay calm and use your brain.

My brain IS my problem.  I am more right than left brain.  I am not at all analytical and logical.  I think with my feelings.  I head out in the approximate direction I thought the address is, thinking I would get there somehow.  No wonder it takes me hours (I’m embarrassed to say) to find a place.  How stupid of me!

I have learned my lesson though.  Even if I have a handicap, there are tools – maps, GPS, google, etc.  I could slow down, think it out and not get overwhelmed before rushing off. That is my problem, you see.  My brain gets schmucked with the WHOLE picture, with whatever I’m dealing with at the time.  And I’m like a deer in headlights.  I don’t know what to do.  I freeze, then I run off in all directions.

IMG_5553You’ll be relieved and happy to know that I was not like that as a nurse.  On the contrary, I was the opposite.  In emergencies, something would click inside me. Things slow down and I see with much more clarity.  Sometimes I see in black and white, like a Kodak moment.

I worried that others would think I was not doing my best. I felt slower but with more purpose.  It was a relief to be told by ones that mattered that I was calm and competent.  You would be safe in my hands.  Flapping only created more chaos, slowing things.

IMG_2961I am changing directions now,  taking time, trying to be more analytical and not to rush pell mell, like a bat out of hell.  I can be more focused with purpose.  I don’t have to wait for an emergency.  I don’t have to save someone else’s life.  I will do it to save mine.

Funny what happens when you live life in 15-minute segments and do the best you can.  I can map out where I want to go AND get there – most of the time. There are no absolutes.  I am sure I will still get lost a time or two.  But now I have better tools to find my way.