Tag Archives: fatigue

NO ENERGY BUNNY

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Thank God for packaged cooked food ! Even though they are made with Italian herbs and spices, they are not as savory as their write up. They are rather flat, but on days like today I’m grateful for them. I can just pour the meatballs onto a baking sheet, put it into the hot oven and voilà – lunch in 15 minutes. I just add a salad and warm up some leftover rice.

The morning is cold. Sheba is pesky and underfoot because she didn’t get her morning walk. She makes us pay. We will bundle up after lunch and go to the dog park. I am not 100% but it is easier to let her run, off leash. By then the temperature will be more reasonable. For now, I am enjoying a little quiet and a cup of chamomile tea before turning the oven on. That extra heat will be welcomed.

Though my fatigue is less, I can’t seem to get warm enough. Once I get sick, it takes me a long time to recover. But I’m thankful my symptons are mild this time. I’m prone to respiratory ailments probably due to my congenital undeveloped frontal sinuses. I’ve learned to live with the condition better over the years. What is important for me is clean moist air. It has been over 3 years since I’ve been really sick. I’m grateful but it’s still an irritation not to have the energy of an EverReady Bunny. I have so many things I want to do.

It’s a good thing, my ever present desire to do. I mustn’t knock myself but learn to temper it to a healthy level. It was not a hard thing to do today. I have that desire to pamper myself a little on such a cold morning. I crossed exercise class off my list. Really, I have no energy to huff and puff, on and off the step. I had pushed myself too hard the previous weeks working at a level of 9 out of 10. 8 is well good enough. In a while after a rest, Sheba and I will try to do 2 rounds at the park. That is exercise enough for today.

 

NO LIVES TO SAVE

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Right about this time in the day, I start to sag. I feel like Medusa with a head full of venomous snakes. I haven’t turned anyone looking at me into stone – yet. This is probably a good time for me to disengage from anything important. But here I am, tapping my fingers away. Tomorrow, I will try to ease off a little earlier. I can’t wise up overnight. It might even take longer than a week. That’s the procrastinator in me. I’m sure it’s in you, too.

I am so glad I don’t have to job to go to. I’m still feeling a tad under the weather. Brings back memories of when I was still working. Mornings like this, I’ll be sweating up the nerve to phone in sick. I always feel guilty unless I’m sick enough for life support. I always doubt myself but I can’t make myself go to work. After much back and forth – yes, no, I would make that call. I’M SICK! I’m so relieved that I don’t have to make those calls. I can just roll over with no guilt and have a few extra winks. I don’t have to dish out any pills except my own, no bedpanning, no lives to save. What a holiday!

Today is a holiday – Family Dday. We thought we would take in Remai Modern, our new art gallery. It was a free admission day. But it was too much of a good thing. There was a long line up outside. We decided to keep driving and went for lunch instead. It was a much nicer time at Thien Vietnam 2 Restaurant.

It’s another day or evening – Tuesday, February 20th. I ran out of steam yesterday and quit mid blog. Sometimes I have to do that. So here I am again, in the closing hours of the day. I’m not any further ahead than yesterday but it is real life. I had trouble getting in Sheba’s walk but I got it done. Hard to say no when she’s been waiting patiently all afternoon. I am showing up today just to close shop. It’s closing time and Leonard is playing in my head right this minute. My jukebox function is still intact. It’s great to have him sing me out.

RECYCLING 365 SOMETHINGS

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A little while ago, I was thinking that I’ve been feeling and doing quite well. I haven’t had my usual miseries of sinus problems, aches and pains and the blues for a long time. Be careful of what you think! Lo and behold, my said maladies paid me a visit. Maybe it’s not my thoughts that brought them forth. Rather, I was receiving advance warnings of their imminence. I like to think it was that.

It’s so cloudy today and oh my gosh, I’m so tired! Complaining again. It makes me feel better just to let it all out. It’s only here, in my own space. Who else would give a care? I’m sure they’re probably feeling the same. It serves me right taking 2 weeks off, sitting on duff – well, not entirely the whole time. Sheba and I still had our daily walks. Goes to show a daily walk with the dog is not much exercise even in freezing rain. It’s good we’ve gone and come. I’m warming up with my tea. She’s laid out on her bed quiet as can be. Shhh!

I’m trying to organize my thoughts. I didn’t think  a swim on Sunday and an hour of aerobics yesterday would cause me such fatigue. But it has. The clouds adds to it. But that is my life, like it or not. I’m trying to make it work better. How can I make my life smoother and more productive with my energy level? I’m listening to some of my own ideas. Re-scheduling activities to different time slots and see how that works. Someone wrote a post on recyling old content for a fresh and new article. I could use the idea for other things besides writing.

Day 7 – Feeling some purple and red and off colour anger. Unable to make a picture today

Daisy Yellow has pointers on the 365 Something Projects. I am on my Day 8 of the project. Doing something creative every day does lead to more creativity. Things get easier and flow starts. I will have to apply that ‘do something every day’ to organizing my desk, the dining table where I do my 365 Somethings Project, my painting studio, my sewing space – in other words, the whole house! Maybe I could chart my progress here. That would make me accountable. I shall do it! I am already trying to pick up and put away as I go along today. Does that get points for me?

 

GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER

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I surely struggle with consistency and energy. I suppose you do, too. It’s always good to have company. It’s my words I’m struggling with now. But I’ve come to my space. The keyboard is on my lap, my cup of tea nearby. Across the back alley, the roofers are tap, tap,tapping with their hammers. They sound like woodpeckers. A crow caws nearby.

It’s a perfect August day. The sun shining. The petunias and nasturiums nodding their heads in the breeze. I shall just sit here and not worry so much about accomplishing and doing. It is trying that I can’t quite get my shit together. But really, what does that mean anyways? Oh brother, Sheba is next to me. She’s just let go some of her metal-melting farts. Phew!

I’m feeling like hell in the mornings,  waking with aching in every possible joint – down to the toes. I just know that autumn is in the air even if I didn’t know what month it is. Changes are coming. Changes are here. Some of it’s scary. A lot of it is frightening – neo-Nazis, White Supremacists, Donald Trump, neighbours… The list is long. It’s good to ventilate, even if it is just listing. At least I’ve identified some of the things nagging at me. I’m not just whistling in the dark.

I have pushed my way through the wet paper bag. I’ve broken free. Despite my fatigue, I’ve trimmed off the dead raspberry canes, gathered up some other garden wastes and deposited them all in the Green Bin. The City truck has kindly come by. I’ve dumped a bag of peat moss in the front flower bed. I hope that will give the petunias there a much needed boost.

The hammering is getting more insistent – and annoying. It’s not conducive to my tapping any more. It’s giving me a headache. It’s a sign to close shop. I think I work best in short spurts. I just need to have more spurts in a day.

 

CHALLENGED – Day 63 – 65 in a year of…

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Day 63 – 65, September 25, 2016 @4:57 pm

Challenges are difficult amid fatigue and pain.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy.  Am I using it as a excuse.  Other times, I wonder if I have fibromyalagia and/or chronic fatigue.  Or is it from my sinus anomoly? Does it matter what it is called or if it is diagnosed?  It is all the same symptons.  It adds up to feeling fatigued, pained and generally lousy.  I’ve had bouts of these since early adulthood.  I’ve survived and learned to cope.

It has improved. Maybe I’m living healthier.  I’m certainly getting more sleep and exercise.  I have a dog.  I do yoga, qigong and meditation off and on.  I guess everything counts.  Still, there are days when – I want to throw myself img_0896into bed with fatigue.  The pain is the gnawing kind through the whole body and I feel heavy as lead.  These are the tough days when it is hard even to think of walking the dog.  I’m thinking I’m making my life harder by having one.  What was I thinking?  And a Lab/Border Collie at that!

Well, I have a dog.  She demands to be walked every day.  I put a collar and leash on her and running shoes on me. Off we go, one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace.  I don’t feel any more pain.  I don’t feel any less pain.  Another walk.  Another day.  It’s the same coming to this space except some days I haven’t shown up.  But I am here today, covering for 3 days.

img_2546I have to admit this challenge is harder than my 100 days of art.  The more difficult part is the analyzing of how my ‘different’ made a difference and finding the words.  Some days it takes more energy than I have.  So I have chosen to write when I can instead of giving up altogether.  I will chug along to day 365. That’s how life is lived – as best as we can to the end.

 

FAKING IT – Day 35 in a year of

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Day 35, August 26, 2016 @6:09 pm

IMG_6649Egad!  I am here in this space in the same state of mind as yesterday.  Not any earlier either. It is habit that has enabled me to be here.  A well worn groove in 35 days.  If it would help my fatigue, I would scream.  It wouldn’t.  I’m grinning and bearing and faking it.  I hope I make it soon.  In the mean time I’ll just keep moving and faking it.  In Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, Dr. Ratey states the results are the same (good) even if you don’t feel enthusiastic while exercising.  So I am kicking up my heels and pumping my arms to the music of Mama Mia and following our instructor, Val.  Monkey see, monkey do is do-able.

I can do that, is what I say to myself all day.  I gather the cucumbers, pick the beans, the tomatoes.  I prepare them and put them all away.  I took all the laundry off the line downstairs, folded and put them all away. I was dying to sit down with a cup of tea.  I was really looking forward to it.  Then I got a call from the guy.  He said he got a flat tire.  Come and get me at SuperStore.  So I did.

GNZT9121Then I sat down with my cup of tea and my book.  I felt I’ve really earned it today.  It is a very good book.  Hard to put down.  I finished my tea.  Then it was wine and cheese.  It is amazing I’ve show up.  See, I could feel whatever I feel.  It doesn’t have to affect the result.  How are you doing?  What are your results?

Till tomorrow.

 

THE BEST I CAN DO

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Routines can be so tedious at times.  Ugh!  That is what I am feeling at this moment.  I am here, nevertheless, with my morning Chai.  I am feeling more myself.  It’s good to be able to sleep again laying down – two nights in a row now.

I had been sleeping in my recliner, being breathless and panicky laying down.  I was feeling attached to my Lazy Boy.  I was afraid of letting it go, but I survived.  How quickly habits and attachments set in.  It reminded me of a patient I had.  Her hospital stay was longer than expected.  She had one complication after another.  She finally went home after a lengthy stay.

She dropped by with a box of chocolates and thank you card after being home for a week. She was teary talking about being home.  She was anxious and missed the side rails on her bed and having curtains around.  She worried about being crazy.  I reassured her that she was not.  She had been so sick and having people around her, checking on her 24 hours/day for weeks.  It was a natural thing to feel a bit insecure, even if her husband and children were in the house.  She breathed a big sigh of relieve.  It mattered to her that I understood how she felt.  She left with a smile amid her tears.  I was happy to be able to do that.

Yesterday was a wordless day. It was a time to catch up with family.  It was time for lunch with my mother and sister.  I hadn’t seen them for awhile.  It was time to get reconnected. It was a time for my sister and I to give our mother some time, to listen to her stories and reminiscences.

And today is a picture-less day.  It’s not a day of creativity so I worked – at paying my bills and other necessities of life.  When you can’t create, you can work.  I can work at putting things in order.  I am tired.  I am worn out.  I am feeling life.  This is the best I can do today.  Tomorrow is another day.

 

DANCING WITH PROCRASTINATION AND IMPERFECTION

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So it is another day.  I think this must be the hardest part of winter.  I am tired.  I seem to say it a lot lately.  That is because I am.  It is a good thing I set some goals for the period of Lent.  I am tired and I drift and I sag.  Having goals bring me back to focus again and again.  There is a purpose to each day.  There is something for me to work on.

It snowed again today, gentle fluffy flakes from heaven.  It was very pretty and serene.  I enjoyed it and allowed it to come….like I could stop it!  There was no sense in getting upset with the prospect of MORE shoveling .  That would be meaningless and wasting my energy that I would need later for shoveling.  And so, I mellowed with the flakes as they floated gently down.

Now it is the end of the day.  The walks are shoveled.  And we have been to the park.  But somehow, some things are left undone.  They are always the same things.  Perhaps they are not urgent and better left for other days…like tomorrow.  I’ll think about them tomorrow, like Scarlett O’Hara would say.

When you are lacking in energy like me, you have to prioritize.  Am I rationalizing?  Perhaps.  But I am doing better, little by little.  I do what I HAVE to first, followed by the most difficult things.  Then I am too tired to deal with my paper mail and paperwork and filing.  That is my worst offense.  But I do pay my bills on time.

When I look at the whole picture, I think I can live with the whole picture.  My house and my life are not in complete shambles.  I work, have a dog, have a relationship and the walks are shoveled.  Who can be perfect?  Who would want to?