Still Surprised

Posted on March 29, 2026 by hafong

It’s a sunny March 29th. A -7℃ outside but a 8.6℃ in the greenhouse. My seedlings are almost flourishing in the sunroom. I hope I can move them out to the greenhouse soon. Some are getting leggy, needling transplanting. The snowpeas are poking their heads out of potting mix. I have 72 of them if they all germinate.

I’ve been starting seeds now for a number of years. Still I’m always surprised when they poke their little green heads out of the soil. I am still surprised every years that I’ve planted so much garden – a little greenhouse, 6 raised garden beds, a home garden and a small plot in the community garden. Our city allotment garden is manned by the guy. I do help some. We’ve always had succesful harvests, some years better than others. I’m optimistic we will do the same this year.

I’ve been feeling my years lately. It happens when you lose your mother. I can’t bounce back quite the same and as quickly. But I am still bouncing somewhat. I’m imbibing some green tea for some extra bounce this morning. I remind myself that I am still ok, that I don’t have to feel on top of the world every minute of every day. There’s ebbs and tides. I’m the queen of tides. I always come back.

Pulling Myself Up

Posted on March 15, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Ali Alcu00e1ntara on Pexels.com

A sunny March 15th. I think I shall live after all. I woke up feeling fine with just a small cough and not drowning in mucus. I can’t say enough how fine healthy feels. I was very worried for a few days. I am celebrating with a second cup of tea. Here’s to our health! I’m putting the ‘hard stuff’ behind me. I’m looking forward to spring and the new growing season. My onion seedlings are doing nicely. They’ve had their first haircut. The celery will need to be transplanted soon or they will get too leggy. In another week or so they can all be moved into the greenhouse.

However, afternoons are still tough for me. My energy and positivity vanished, replaced by a low grade depression. I hope it won’t last 2 years like Google says. Perhaps I should not call it a low grade depression or what is medically termed as Dysthymia. I certainly don’t think I need medication or professional help. I feel better alrlealdy by going out for a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate cake at the nearby bookstore. A change of scenery seemed to have chase the fatigue away. Now if I can totally get rid of this damn cold. If all the bad people involved in the Epstein Files get what they deserved and if Donald Trump get impeached, it would help my mental health alot. While I’m with the ifs, it would be nice if there was no fake news.

There are too many if(s). The world is a whole shit load of a mess. It’s hard not to get depressed. I need to get my head out of it. I need more mornings and less afternoons. I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I need to write different words and different thoughts. I can do it.

Marching Along

Posted on March 14, 2026 by hafong

March is marching along. I wish I could say the same for myself. I’m moving judiciously through the morning so I will have enough energy to navigate the whole day. I’m making use of my gadgets to do the hard work. The iRobot Roomba is doing the vacuum. I will load up the dishwasher and let it do its job. I have soup from yesterday. Soup actually takes quite a bit of work to make even with an Instant Pot. There’s the gathering up of ingredients, washing and chopping vegetables, etc. You don’t feel the energy drain when you are feeling well. When you are not, even opening up a can is tiring.

Even thinking seems to burn up lots of energy. It’s hard to sit and be blank for any length of time. That was yesterday. I gave up on willing myself to feel better and laid down for a short nap. It was not an easy task. It took some time of restless discomfort before I could sink into the warmth of the comforter. The 20 minute of rest was surprisingly restorative. I tried it again today with similar results. I’m starting to enjoy these periods of snuggling in bed. They are very healing. It’s good to let go of everything for a short while. I don’t need to march anywhere. Rest is my new motto.

In The Desert

Posted on February 19, 2026 by hafong

It is cold in my desert this morning, -28℃. The sun is shining bright. It feels right, almost normal. Even in the desert, it is hard to keep out the noise and the chatter. The Prince has fallen off his horse. There are no knights in shining armour. There are no gurus to lead us out of temptation and evil. We have to rescue ourselves. I’m here in the desert, listening to and for my own wisdom.

We all have it, our own inner wisdom. I have it but I often doubt myself, trusting in the words and teaching of others. It’s not that I have been misled down the wrong garden path. It’s that I’ve always thought that I am wrong and in the wrong. It’s always my fault for whatever. I have been a martyr but I no longer want to be one. It’s a step in recognition. It’ll be another to follow through.

Stepping into the desert has given me the energy I long for. It’s wonderful to feel alive, not moping, not feeling hopelessly lost in inertia. I have finally seeded some onions, shallots, leeks and celery. This morning I practiced my qigong routines. I was surprised it was a bit challenging. I was tired at the end. Now I am in the process of clearing and cleaning the house to welcome in the new year. Cleaning house reminds me of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

September sloth

Posted on September 6, 2025 by hafong

I’m slothing through these days of September. I’m not happy about it but I try not to give myself too much grief. Though the official date for autumn is September 21/22, the days have been steadily getting shorter. It was still dark at 6 this morning. The furnace was turned on to take the chill off. I could not will myself out of bed till after 7. I am learning to accept that my battery power is less in these days of dwindling daylight. It is ok to move slower, do less and gain a pound or two. It is wise not to fight nature. I will just do the best I can.

I am happy to learn that there was no frost last night. The garden is safe. We will be busy the next week or 2 harvesting and putting the garden to sleep for the coming winter. There’s always something to do. Right now I have a pot of tomatoes simmering on the stove. I’m saucing a quart of tomatoes a day. My goal is 12 quarts so 8 more quarts to go. The bread is out of the oven and cooling on the rack. The dishes are done. There’s just the loaf pans to wash. I better get to them.

Finishing, cleaning and putting things away are just as hard as starting something. The tomato sauce is in the jar. The bread is still cooling. All the pots and pans are washed and dried, almost put away. Congrats to myself for jobs done. Now I can relax and resume slothing.

Smoke, Despair and Frustrations

Posted on July 22, 2025 by hafong

A very grey and smoky morning. It is dark in the house. It is a day of multiple cups of tea/coffee. I am not fighting it. I am taking care not to fall into despair though it does look like we’re on the edge of destruction. I am comforting myself that we are doing the best we can to lighten the burden on our planet. We have installed solar panels first on the house and then on the garage. We have many catchments for rainwater harvesting. We do not use chemicals in our food growing endeavours or in maintaining our yard.

Rather than sitting frozen with all my worries and fears, I decided to tackle living as best as I can. I changed out of my pjs, sat here, tapped out a few words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Then I decided I should do a couple of necessary things like booking for my physical and paying my auto insurance. The doctor’s appointment made online caused no problems. Just waiting for confirmation. The auto insurance was stressful. Nowadays getting to talk to a real person on the phone is like trying to break into Fort Knox. I leave a voice message. I get a call back. Then I had to leave another voice message for another person.

All that didn’t do any wonders for my unsteady nerves. It’s taken care of and now I can let it go. I did a few things like doing a load of laundry and dishes while waiting for return phone calls. It’s best to put that energy into something useful instead of stewing in frustration. I might take a tylenol for my headache or I got chocolate cake which might work better.

Summer Time When Living not so Easy

Posted on July 6, 2025 by hafong

It’s the 5th day of the UBC and July. I’m counting the days. I used to hate July when I was a child. July meant no school, nothing to do. In small town Saskatchewan, everyone seems to go away to the lake for the summer. Everyone, except us, the Chinese families who have a cafe. Now, in the big city of Saskatoon, everyone still seems to be away at the lake. That is except me and the guy. It’s by choice though.

We did the lake thing for a few years. It was new to me. It’s not that I didn’t like it BUT. We even had our own lake lot and trailer. Though I didn’t hate it, I was not enamoured with lake life. For one thing, it was a bit lonely. I didn’t fit in with the lake community, being a newbie to the scene. There was not a lot outdoor activity. You can only walk so much a day. Besides, the only people walking was me and my dog, Sheba. I didn’t see anyone biking. In fact, I didn’t see many people out and about. Where were they – in their powerful boats and big 4 season cabins?

I guess I’m a city girl even though I was born in a village in China. I remember a time of no electricity, no running water and outdoor toilets. How time flies and how we change. And how I digress. This is not at all what I mean to talk about! I meander and now it is July the 6th. I ran out of energy and failed to finish and post.

8 o’clock Sunday morning and the sun is shining bright. I look up and out the window. Two little birds are perched on the deck railing and one in the hanging basket – a lovely and cheery sight to start the day. My deck is another sight to behold. That was my big project yesterday. I was tired of the dust and dirt, all my seeding trays, containers, potting soil and what have you on it. Then there are our shoes that we never put away/rid off. I set my mind to at least cleaning it. So by gosh and darn, I did it. It is not perfect. I haven’t thrown out anything and it’s not all put away. But it is ordered enough there’s room to sit and to walk around. The big carpet is hosed off and drying a covered raised bed. The sky just clouded over. Oh, summer time when the living is not so easy.

energy

Pushing Through

Posted on June 28, 2025 by hafong

I’m feeling my fragility this morning. I’m afraid to go there, not even knowing where ‘there’ is. It’s well known it’s not good to watch the news before bedtime. It applies to reading news posts on social media with my morning tea, too. I’m greatly disturbed by 2 articles this morning. The first one on Mads Mikklesen, a Norweigan tourist being blocked from entering the U.S. The 2nd story involves an unprovoked attack on an Afghan toddler in Moscow airport.

I really don’t have the time or energy for this but it’s hard to avoid or resist bad news. My human nature of curiosity gets the best of me and I investigate further into the story of John Hunt even though it added to my distress and worsen my mental health. If I am to live in this world, I have to be awake to it all. Let me be a big girl, grow up and develop a strong backbone. I can do it.

It’s taking me time to write this post. There’s so much to do. I’m so weighed down with all my feelings. The only thing to do is push, push and push through despite everything. So I’ve paid this month’s bills and swept the sunroom floor. Though I was sagging with emotions and the humidity from our weird thunder and rain storms, I’ve repotted 4 of my mother’s house plants. It felt good to seem the plants perk up after. In between raindrops, I planted a row of coneflowers and a few marigolds in mom’s/dad’s frontyard flowerbed.

It didn’t feel so hard after everything was said and done. I was tired and sweaty but happy. I loaded the wheelchair and got my father into the car and off we went to the mall for a leisurely stroll and coffee.

Why I Keep Writing 2

Posted on June 25, 2025 by hafong

I would never run out of words on why I keep writing. I write mostly to comfort myself. It’s my soother/pacifier. I never had one as a baby but I probably used my thumb as most babies do. It’s very satisfying. My keyboard/pen and paper are at hand. I’m not dependent on someone else to make me feel better. My experience has been that when I most need help/an ear, no one is available, adding to my distress. It’s no one’s fault.

I’m on a stretch of good days. They came with the rain we’ve had the last few days. We are all connected. What is in one is in the whole, as Caroline Myss says. I’m taking advantage of this easeful flow of energy. Somethimes these moments are fleeting. They could be gone with the next cloud, after lunch. There are no guarantees. I’m making an early start to my day before my head and mind gets polluted and distracted with this and that.

I had a few words here to kickstart a post, took out 2 bags for the garbage and made a start of baking bread. The bread took all morning and a bit into the afternoon. The 6 loaves are cooling on racks. The pans are washed and drying in the still warm oven. My energy and mood are dipping. I am happy with my morning’s work. I will take my father out to the mall for a walk and a coffee. He is worried that he is costing me time and gas. He said he had a dream the other night that my mother gave him heck for causing so much trouble.

That is/was my mother, fiercely independent, not good at accepting help. She didn’t want to make things harder for us by taking up our time. It was difficult to make her understand that she made things harder by not accepting our help. That was how she was and I had to accept it. My father is more receptive and appreciates my company.

I ran out of energy yesterday to finish this post. I’ve lost the flow and good cheer. No two days are equal. The sun is shining. It looks and feels like summer. We had some excitement to start the morning. There was 4 police cars parked along our street. No sirens but I saw a policeman entering a yard a few houses down with a rifle poised over his shoulder, just like on TV. We heard no gunshots. We saw no activity before we left for the gym.

How Not to Lose the Day

Posted on May 13, 2025 by hafong

The clouds and wind are playing havoc on my well-being. They are not helping me in getting on with the day. I can’t afford to lose energy that I don’t have to my moods. I took a tylenol and am pulling up my socks. I feel limp but I can put one foot in front of the other. I can still move all body parts. I do the dishes. I soak some snowpea seeds to plant in the community garden. I paint a teacup and posted it on Instagram.

I make a cup of chrysanthemum tea. I take a sip and close my eyes, relaxing and smoothing out the space in my forehead. I take a few deep breaths in and then out slowly, focusing on the word joy. I let go of trying to control my body. I let it be how it is and rested. It’s true a rest is as good as a change. I’m feeling much better, having taking time off from trying to feel better. Sometimes I get too focused on things and I stall instead of flow.

I haven’t saved the day but I haven’t lost it either. I haven’t planted any more garden or pot up more seedlings. However, I have watered them. I’ve checked my lilies for scarlet lily beetles and dusted them with diatomaceous earth as well as dusting the earth around the lilies. So far that is helpful. I’m slowly learning that I am a person who can do smalls only. I am incapable of being a cyclone. I don’t have that kind of energy. My smalls do add up.

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Looking at Infinity

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