September 28th. The morning is dark as can be at 6. It’s hard to bounce out of bed with enthusiasm and start the day. I linger awhile in the warmth of my dark cocoon. We have had a good stretch of summer and sunshine. The memory of early sunrises is still fresh on my mind. Now it is time for nature, myself included, to slow down and rest. It is the time to have and savour a second cup of tea.
The sun is out now at almost 8 am, flooding my space with its cool autumny light. Summer is not willing to go yet. The forecast promises a day of sunshine and a high of 28℃. I shall use today to clear and put the garden to bed. No need or use to hang on to every little squash or whatever until the cold bitter frost. I can learn to use the word enough instead of more. I need to gather, clean and put away my gardening tools. Then there’s all the plant pots, trays and crop covers strewn here and there. I have never been good at picking up and putting things away. It’s never too late to learn. It’s much more conducive to work and clean up in sunshine and warmth.
That is my plan for the day. I have a two hour online class after lunch from the University of Saskatchewan on our post pandemic world. It is enough. From experience I work best in small and enough instead of big, more and better. This is enough, too.
It’s another Saturday morning. My Sheba is on my mind, good memories of our time together. My arm is still aching down to my hand from my shingles vaccine earlier in the week. This reminds me of my mother’s experience with shingles. It also started on a Saturday. It was a very, very bad time. Hence, my vaccine. She was very vocal in urging all of us to get it. Thankfully she’s recovered with minimal damage.
Not all Saturdays are equal. I still love Saturdays. It used to be my weekly swim morning before Covid. I’ve adjusted to Tuesdays and Thursdays now. Double the pleasure. I did cancel out twice this week. Apps are so wonderful in many ways. I just push the CANCEL button to unbook my time. No questions asked. It would have been wonderful if there was such an app for work. You wouldn’t have to worry about not sounding sick enough phoning in sick.
Saturday mornings used to be cleaning chore time when I was a kid. We used to live in this small rented house behind our cafe in Maidstone. It belonged to the town doctor. The kitchen floor was worn through in spots. I can still see it in my mind’s eye after all these years. It made for difficult washing.
It’s Sunday and I’m stuck. I have lots to do but can’t seem to find a way to start. Have you ever been here? I was like that yesterday, too. I couldn’t even finish yesterday’s entry. I’ve left it hanging and dangling. Will have to backtrack. What I did do was tackle things that I could start on -like cleaning behind the fridge and stove and cleaning the toilet. I did a load of laudry and picked a pail of tomatoes. So it was not a lost day.
I will have to do the same today. Start where I can. I will sort the tomatoes.
My energy is one with autumn. It is the season for slowing down. I certainly have! I’m resigned to it. I go to bed each evening with new resolves of doing better, doing more. I wake up each morning not wanting to and not knowing how to. There’s nothing to do but do the best I am able to. I will move if there is something urgent. That is how we are built. If there is an emergency, we will bust ass.
In the meantime, I’m putting one foot in front of the other. It’s not as if I am just parked on my butt all day. It just feels so. Feelings can be false. I’ve stuck to my exercise regime – swim Tuesday and Thursday. I did not push the CANCEL button. AND I went to the AM Energizer aerobics class on Wednesday. Hurray for me! My lunch dishes are done. I’ve rinsed off my swim suit and gear from this morning. I’m showing up here, tapping as best as I can. What I really want to do is to fall asleep and wake up energized. I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.
Here I am. I’m finally showing up after all the things I’ve said and done. I haven’t been living up to my written words. I’ve been tired and overwhelmed, caught up in no emergencies, but everyday life. All of a sudden, or so it seemed, I realized that I was stressed, smothered and snowed under. What other s word can I think of?
Here’s the thing. I had to stand back and let things go. I did get up, dress up and show up. What I couldn’t do was the doing part. I still held this space in my thoughts. Empty spaces are necessary. Silence has its beauty. We all need a break for something new to come in. I’m glad for having given myself this stretch of emptiness and silence. I’m more restful and peaceful now. My head was screaming and screeching something fierce. It took me a long time to hear it.
These last few days of October have been beautiful. The blue skies, the sunshine, the autumn leaves. I felt one with the universe. Sheba and I enjoyed longer afternoon walks, drinking and storing the ambience for lesser days. I’m making hay while the sun shines. I’m learning to take the good fortune when the opportunity comes. I’m learning to let go when I need to.
Some enchanted afternoon I like to drop all my cares and to do list. To hell with them, I would say. I would put on my coat, scarf and toque. I would gather up Sheba, my fur baby and head out the door. We would open the gate and saunter out into the afternoon sunshine. The air might be a bit frosty but oh, it’s so refreshing.
All thoughts fall away and we are in the moment. We pick up our heels and kick a pile of fresh fallen leaves. They’re still ever so green. The frost caught them by surprise. Overhead, we can hear the rustle of the remaining leaves. They are not yet ready to let go. Just a little bit longer, just a little longer, they whispered.
This was our enchanted afternoon. The sky was blue and the grass still green. The yellow, orange and brown leaves crunched under my feet. My mind is idle but my senses are alive. I feel ever so enchanted by autumn’s palette before my eyes. I could ask no more of the day.