Tag Archives: change

UNPLUGGED

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Snoopy

I’m giving serious thought on as how to unplug and undo the unwants in me. Life is short as they say. I’m not getting any younger. Why hang on to my uglies with tooth and nail? There’s some benefits to being down with the flu or the winter blues. It slows down life and me with it. It adds weight to everything. Greys are heavier, pressing down on my shoulders. Sunlight is more brilliant, showing up all the dust and lint and Sheba’s chalky footprints on the hardwood floor. Things that nauseate me sickens me more. It’s impetus enough to want change.

The first step is to stop envying everybody else. It is wasteful energy. Logically, the second step is to come back to myself. I am seldom home, within my body or mind. Nobody’s asked me, but I have been living in other people’s lives. It’s not because I’m such an ultruistic person. It’s out of habit and it is easier than dealing with myself. It’s not true that you can never go home again. I am going to find my way back to the one who needs me the most – me. I’ve began the journey many times, but have never passed GO. So here goes!

The third step is Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself/ How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One.  The title had caught my eye a few years ago and I bought the ebook format. But I haven’t read it being on the Kindle app. It has a lot of bad as well as good reviews. Some people called him a quack. He’s a chiropractor. I’ve learned that other people’s reviews don’t always hold true for me. The title is enough of a stimulus for change.

Already I broke my habit of another cup of tea/decaf coffee. I’ve had 3 cups already and don’t need anymore. Instead I had water with my snack of an orange and a piece of cheese. I’m reading Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart. It’s about a woman suffering from severe brain injury and PSTD. It received alot of bad reviews from readers on Goodreads but I’m finding it very good. It’s fiction but the brain injury information is very interesting. I’m sure the author did factual research into the subject. I’m thinking: If an injured brain can rewire and relearn, so can I. It’s an exciting thought – reinventing myself. Why not?

What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.  ~ Napoleon Hill ~

G IS FOR GUILT, P IS FOR PLAN

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I am slowly getting over my physical indisposition. At any rate, I’m not allowing it to affect my pyschological outlook. It was hard work though. I had to concentrate, talked to myself alot. You can choose, my inner voice lectured in my head. I gave it some thought and went down the optimist’s path. Better a high road than a low one. Isn’t that everyone’s advice?

At the end of the day, yesterday, my head was such a tangled nightmare. My hair felt electrofied, standing on end. All my work stations were jumbled messes. I felt nauseous. I would puke if I could. In the morning, things didn’t look quite as bad. So now, it’s my measuring stick for feeling sick or tired or both. It helped me to decide to stay home from my exercise class and not feel guilty about it. I’m a good example of someone being hard on herself. I wonder when I will feel grownup. I have nobody to answer to, not even a boss.

Somehow I do feel more grownup, having made that decision and some other choices. Today and now is always the first day of any change. Some routine makes for efficiency. Too much makes ruts. I need to work on my ‘mess piles’ since they do aggravate my well-being and hinder creativity. I’m always having to dig through to find things. I try not to let the thought of clearing and cleaning overwhelm me. I cleared my head, took a breath. I decided I would clear a spot/deal with a chore, one at a time. There would be no multi-tasking. I will have to put things away from now on. That is my plan.

To set things in motion, I renewed my library stuff online to avoid late fees. I had a due back soon email yesterday. I changed the bedding, laundered, dried, fold and put it all away. I did the dishes after lunch before taking Sheba to the park. We did the 2 laps around and no more, though we were asked to do another by 2 ladies. The good company was tempting but I stuck to my  plan. Overdoing had worn me out.

It is a little after 5 pm. The sun is still out. Looks like spring is here. My ‘work’ is done. Time to let go of the day. This is enough.

HAVE COUCH, WILL FLY

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I do listen to my body eventually. When you are on a roll as they say, it is hard to put the brakes on. But it is protesting loudly so I can’t stay on the cruise control. I have to give the brakes a tap and change to a more comfortable speed. I watched the Winter Olympics last night without doing anything else. Even if it’s the mindless knitting of a scarf, part of the mind is engaged and consuming energy. It was a very relaxing cathartic experience to be a couch potato watching the men’s free style skiing. My mind’s wrinkles loosened and smoothed. It was as if it was I who was flying free in the air. What a way to travel without leaving the couch! I should do it more often.

I’m doctoring myself with some home grown, home made dandelion tea. I’m feeling a tad under the weather. Too much winter and too many days of trotting in the wind at the park with Sheba. It’s caught up with me today. I’m trying to rescue/salvage myself before I tipple over with a cold/sinus condition. I think it’s working. I am not so shivery cold, tired and achy. Good on me. I hate being laid up, even slightly.

My day is at a slower pace but I’m getting stuff done. You see how obsessive I am, still talking about getting things done. I had to set the timer for 3 minutes so that I could sit for a full 2 minutes of meditation. I probably need to do it twice a day. Then I need to increase it by a minute regularly. I read outloud a few pages of The Wolf Border by Sarah Hall. Have you read it? It is very good. I tend to rush and skim, so by reading outloud, I have to read every word. I hope to slow myself down and not expend useless energy and missing some of the narrative besides. I am impatient with everything I do. I’m doing an auto correct on myself.

This is who I am. I’m a fiddler – fiddling with the order of things to find better tunes. It’s senseless doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. I can’t remember who originated that phrase – Wayne Dyer or Dr. Phil. Maybe it was Oprah. I’m grateful to whoever it was. It is now 5 pm. I’m finishing my cup of tea. The bread is out of the oven. Sheba’s been walked. I’ve painted my watercolour index cards. I wasn’t sure about everything but there are no MUST DOs. Only what I can do today. I am tired now but pleased.

THE YEAR OF THE DOG

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Gong Hee Fat Choy! Happy Chinese New Year. I am bushed! I don’t know how I managed a job before retirement. I’m not wearing red. I didn’t clean house in preparation for the new year. I vacuumed today. Oops! Well, it’s not sweeping. I’m not sweeping out my good fortune. It’s hard to observe my cultural traditions living so apart from my people. Aside from family, I don’t know that many Chinese people. I have no Chinese friends. I’m lacking in so many ways, negating much of what I set out to do. We will have our family New Year supper on Sunday – a day of rest for those who work.

That’s how life is going for me – negotiating and changing. I’m not sure it it’s for the better or it is just different. That’s how the world is. It’s changing so fast I’m often left breathless. I’m trying to keep up. I’m here, aren’t I, tapping as fast as I can. I am often confused and puzzled. Most of the time I’m cranky, in a mood. I wonder how I can get out of myself. I think of things I can do. What do I have to change? The rule I have when I come to this space is to leave on a higher note. I might tell you how I am feeling, what space I am in. But it is always about me and not anybody else. I try to be objective and not to crank out my personal biases. Hit me on the head if I do.

That is one thing I’m proud of – my words here. It leads me to think on what Caroline Myss says about the power of words.  “A mystical perspective: Your words are your power tools. Each word you use initiates an act of creation and is a thread holding together a part of the fabric of your life. Take one word out of your vocabulary and all the creative power that that word contains evaporates from your life. Take the word “love” out, for example, and everything you understand, know, feel, and experience about “love” would no longer exist.”

I’ve been thinking about a word that I would like to eliminate from my speech. It’s difficult to think of one. I don’t like ‘hate’ but it’s not one I use often. What I say alot is I don’t care. I use it often in self defence/protection. I’m not sure if I mean it. I am giving it meaning by saying it. By eliminating it, it means I do care. Everything matters. I will see how that difference will play in my attitude and well-being.

Today is the first day of the lunar year, the Year of the Dog. Sheba, the dog and I went to the park to celebrate. The sky and clouds were awesome. I saw the sun drift in and out of the clouds. It was travelling so fast it was hard to capture on the camera. Another reminder how fast life and time moves. Don’t think too much and hesitate too long. Put one foot in front of the other and do another lap around the park or wherever you want to go.

STRUGGLES

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This time in the afternoon is definitely not my best in terms of energy and mood. I am sapped and droopy. I am not sounding my most up nor energetic. I probably whine alot. I should try changing my schedule. But you know how difficult that can be. I am sort like Sheba now with habits. Once I’m in a rut, I need a crowbar to get me out of there. Mind you, some ruts are healthy – like my Saturday morning swim. My thinking brain didn’t like the idea. It started telling me how dark it is that time of the morning. But my body was craving it. It tells me it’s Saturday morning. It’s time for my swim. My body won that one.

My brain is now struggling to find the words, my body trying to find the energy. They both are searching and scanning for some purpose and meaning to what is this all about.

My search was not at all fruitful. I had to abandon and let it rest. It is now bedtime. Sometimes it is wise not to dig so hard for purpose and meaning. I have to give up on some struggles. Live and let live. Do not ask questions that have no answers. Do not expect others to agree with me. Do not expect others to change. Be the change I want to see. I am finally learning to speak for myself and of myself. Peace. Sleep well. I hope to do better tomorrow.

LIKE THE LIONS

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“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.

I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.

I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.

But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?

LETTING GO, BE DARING, BE NEW

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December 25, Christmas Day. Sunlight streaming in. I’m cozy as can be – tap, tapping away on this cold day. It’s only -26 Celsius now, up 2 degrees since 7 am. I’m looking a little tired, bags underneath my eyes and my hair is not up to par. Well, it’s not quite combed. I’m out of practice doing selfies. It looks like the cyclamen is growing out of my ear. I’ve left things slide. My hair could use a cream rinse to put in some shine. I need lots more moisturizer to rid those bags. And you should see the diningroom table.

It goes to show some things never change. It can be a comforting or provocative thought. You can count on consistency or dependability. You are not surprised or blown away constantly. On another train of thought, I see that I am who I am.  If someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t matter what I do, they will not like me. It’s really none of my business. I really love these witty truisms. It’s obviously true. It says nothing new or interesting. It’s time to walk away. I will save myself a whole lot of energy and time giving up trying to be someone else for someone else. It’s a lightbulb moment if I ever saw one.

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Now I’m at day’s end, just before bedtime. I’m taking a few moments to gather my thoughts on this holiday period. I’m secretly pleased. Now you know, too. I’ve had a very good Christmas. I’ve taken a step towards new rituals for the Season. I’m not saying it’s the correct and only way. It’s different for me. Mostly I just stopped doing the ‘usual’ – running around looking for the perfect gift, putting up a tree and decorations, baking, etc. It did make me feel uncomfortable at times. But isn’t that always with doing something new?

It’s not for everyone. Not everyone wants to simplify Christmas. Some people really enjoy all that goes with the season. I respect their chosen ways. And I am not saying that I will repeat the same action next year. Things are ever changing, me and my feelings included.  The old way of doing things don’t work for us any more. I have to be willing to let go of them and be open to try something new. Grow with the times, the bells chime.

FREE AT LAST

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I love sitting here listening to Caroline Myss speak her wisdom. She is what you call a no nonsense woman. “Stop it!” she stresses. “Or I am going to put your head in the toilet.” I like to put Sheba’s head in the toilet now. She’s barking over her rubber chicken. I can hardly think! I’m suppose to toss it with her. I like sitting here with her when she’s quiet and peaceful. She probably likes it when I play rubber chicken. We are both in training – to better ourselves and to please each other. Mutual love.

I think we are making some progress. We are going to prove that you can teach old broads new tricks. It depends on the rewards used. Sheba is not as discriminatory as I am. She is tail-wagging happy, will sit, down and stand on her head if possible for any treat big or small. I am not so easily swayed. It would be in your best interest to trick me into self motivation. I am a tough cookie. Sheba loves tough cookies, too. She’s always next to me.

For today at least, I’ve relinquished my guilt for everything. I’m letting it fall like puddles at my feet. I can declare like Martin Luther King, Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are I am free at last. A little melodramatic, you say. But alas! I do feel shackled by all that I’ve been taught, unwittingly or otherwise.

I like to turn a new page, a clean slate with no blame. I’ve come to the conclusion that we can’t forget, we can’t forgive so let’s move on and start a new story. We think our wounds are healed but are they just scarred over? They can bleed at any provocation. Ask any survivors of residential schools in Canada. And has Truth and Reconciliation Commission brought about truth and reconciliation? I am sure that many would find a fallacy in my comparison between such a big hurt and my little hurts. But aren’t wounds, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder? I’m not a fan of licking each other’s or trading stories of wounds. It makes me want to have bigger ones than you have. That’s why I think it wise for me to move on.

I hate the name of Wounded Warrior. I don’t even like being a warrior at all. The title signifies fighting, warring. Don’t we have a lot of that? Every day in the news there’s a war. The Gulf War, the war in Afghanistan, Syria, Vietnam, Iraq. Then there’s the war on drugs, terror, against crime, poverty, cancer. Why must we fight so much? Can’t we work to find solutions? Maybe if we can change our talk, we can change our thinking and seeing. Maybe we can find common ground without the fight. How about a little brotherhood and sisterhood. And maybe then there won’t be so much ass and other body parts grabbing.

So why this sudden avalanche of sexual harassment stories. They’re tumbling out of closets. Big names, starting with Harvey Weinstein, are falling like dominoes, except for Trump. He is still President even though he said grab them by the *  *.  Maybe he has a big gun mouth.

 

 

TEDIUM AND TEDIOUS

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Life, at times, seems to be made up of many necessary but tedious tasks – like cleaning and tidying up. Here she goes again! I can hear you say but it is so true. It is 2:27 pm and I’ve just sat down after preparing lunch, eating it and then what I detest the most, cleaning up. Now I’m writing about it. Ha! The tedium. I really want to have a nap now.

But I know the value of order and discipline. My nature is that I don’t really have a driving desire to do anything. If I have my druthers, I would probably be singing Freddy Fender’s, wasted days and wasted nights. I’m one of those people who needs inspiration, challenges and goals. I seldom plan. I might be in a neater, if not better place if I did. It is never too late. That’s what they tell me. I’m inspired to go that route now.

My plan is to have a plan for the day. I’ve been operating on it for a few weeks now. I’m doing the obvious, the hardest and most hated stuff. What is difficult for me is cleaning up and putting stuff away in a timely as well as neatly fashion. When I was in Grade 1 in Hong Kong, one of our assignment was to get a note from our parents. The note was to identify what they thought our worse trait was. Well, my mother thought mine was paper clutter. I dropped them wherever. It was like a show and tell. I was reprimanded by my teacher – very severely I felt at the time.

Obviously, it hadn’t helped me. I am still that clutterbug. I’m changing my ways though. I’m working on the dishes. After washing and drying, I’m painstakingly putting them away where they belong or finding a better place for them. You’re wondering, What’s so painful about that? Well, for me it is! It feels like I’m going against the grain or my nature. It’s like torture. I wonder if I have some kind of disorder.

Things are getting a little easier though. You can see some surface on the dining room table and my desk. I’m ridding my junk mail (hard copies and emails) faster. I’ve lived many days feeling as if I have something needed doing but don’t know what. FINALLY that dreaded feeling is gone. I’m feeling more at ease.

Hmm. I’m feeling more alert and focused. It helps to identify my problem areas. It is nice to see progress. That is why I come here each day to tap on the keyboard. Some days I have great thoughts, exciting news and projects. Some days I am sad or angry. Then there are the doldrums. There is a lot of it in life. When they are taken away from you, that is the time when you see what treasures they really are. So I don’t mind them so much. They are restful. Maybe it is what mindfulness is – learning to sit and stay in the mundane and tedious until they are no longer so. Until you see what jewels they are.

 

NO WHOLE ENCHILADAS FOR ME

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Some things don’t change. Some people never do. I feel myself being triggered  by the same person, in the same way. I could feel the same ire rising in me. She’s still the same! I thought. The next thought was, I am, too! But that doesn’t mean that I have to be. I can change. I just have to pay more attention and not bite. I can go down a different street. I do not have to fall into that same hole in the sidewalk.

Change – it’s easier said than done. Some of our habits are so ingrained. The way we think, act, speak, respond are automatic. Things are out of our mouths and the deeds are done before we know what happened. Then we are sorry – till the next time. The question then is how do we make a change. How many times do we fall through the same hole before we choose a different route?

I’ve spent a year trying to do something different each day, even if that something is thinking differently. But then, that is the thing. It is all in the thinking.  They call it stinking thinking. After a year of trying to be different, I still need reminders, reviews. Life is tricky. There are many holes in the sidewalk. I am not there yet. But where is the there? Is there a there? Or is this a whole life process, like breathing? We have to keep at it, day after day. Life is a process. Sometimes I just hate these sayings. For once I like to say I have arrived. Ya da!

Ever the Google and research girl, I found B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits as the fastest and better way to change. I like the sound of no gimmick and tiny. I never found the whole enchilada very appealing except at a buffet. Then you really pay for it, both financially and physically. Life Hack has a comprehensive post on it.  It includes tiny habits for physical and mental health, for work productivity, better relationships, better community and environment. You can check it out and see for yourself.

I hear John Lennon singing This Is Christmas in my head the last few days. It is coming. I’ve made the decision to celebrate it without the gifting. I’ve had the conversation and it’s okay with the family. It will be a change after all these years. Do we really mean it’s really the spirit that counts and not the gifts? Can we celebrate without the buying? Maybe I can, but what about the others? The thoughts are going round and round my head. How am I going to celebrate Christmas this year? What can I do to make it meaningful, to lift my spirit?

Maybe making the decision of not gifting at Christmas is enough this year. I am then left with no running/driving around slippery streets and slopes. There will be just the occasion of Christmas, people, food and John Lennon’s So this is Christmas. How will you celebrate this Christmas?