Tag Archives: change

THOUGHTS, WORDS, MOODS

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I ate all the leftovers brought home last night from the Mandarin Restaurant. Zero waste with one plate and a fork to wash. I enjoyed it but it did not pass my mother’s taste buds. Not enough ingredients. Ingredients not good quality. Not very much meat. These were her pronouncements. I have to admit that I am not very discerning. Like Sheba, I like anything edible. She was right about the meat part – small and covered up with a lot of veggies. It was perfect for me. I’m not over sated from a few chicken pieces and a pile of bok choy.

I’m enjoying my second cup of Orange Pekoe tea for the day. I can feel myself wanting another cup. I will refrain. I will tap a few more words, rise and clear up the few dishes. Then I better get started with the bread. It will interrupt my Orange Pekoe craving and keep the flow of the day going. I’ve discovered that I could get a lot done by spending a little bit of time doing this and that. It also breaks up bouts of grumpiness, surliness and depression.

I don’t want to mislead anyone about my moods. I am certainly grumpy alot of the time, especially when I was working. But I wouldn’t call myself that now. The same goes for the depression. I am one who feels things deeply. I have been told that I have high standards and I hold everyone to them. I still have the same high standards. I’ve let go of the hold though. What anyone else does is no concern of mine. It took awhile for me to see it. Seeing it now, I feel so foolish. Such a busy body I am, judging others. Most of all, such a waste of energy! It took me away from caring for myself.

You see – I can learn. I can talk a new talk and do a new walk. I don’t have to keep going down the same garden path. The dough is poofing in the oven and I’m sitting with my decaf. I am a little pooped from standing, mixing and kneading. I’m happy to sit till the timer calls me to punch the dough down, shape it into loaves and poof again. It was some wonderful quiet time kneading and slapping the dough into a ball. It was like a love affair of some sort. Needless to say, it was very satisfying. Even Sheba was cooperating, not barking her fool head off.

RETHINKING EVERYTHING

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Chicken strips again! It’s easy and it’s good. Pop them in the oven and voila! 20 minutes later you have food. It does get tiresome after awhile, never mind the electric bill escalating with daily use. But what do you do when you have those gift cards from M&M? After this week is dealt with, I will have to rethink lunches and EVERYTHING else.

It’s mostly with how I deal/not deal with stuff. I often catch myself wondering why I avoid/dread doing things that’s not difficult. Why can’t I bend over and pick up that book or whatever that fell on the floor? Why can’t I wipe the dust when I’m looking at it? Why do I dread appointments of every kind? Clearly I need to change my feelings toward tasks. If I delete the words dread and procrastinate from my vocabulary, would I delete those feelings from my psyche and body. It’s worth a try. They deplete too much energy from me.

It’s a miserable windy and snowy day. See, I’m paying attention. I’m changing the way I talk. I’m deleting negative feeling words from my speech. I’m enjoying my cup of tea. Sheba’s next to me on her bed. She’s not at all objecting on missing her afternoon walk. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. It’s good to take a load off our feet. I’m tapping out the kinks in my head, neck and shoulders. It’s helpful to unload onto the page. Less wear and tear on me.

I did good this morning, doing all the hard, yucky, don’t-want-to-do stuff. Ooops! I slipped, letting the negatives in again. Clearly it is the way I talk that contributes to my malfunctions. I enjoy all my hobbies – gardening, sewing, baking, painting…They all involve steps. Some steps are more enjoyable than others but they are all necessary. I have to accept the whole package. I have to re-think and re-think them in a pleasant way.

 

FRIENDS – MY SHORT LIST

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I feel as heavy and sodden as all the snow that fell the last few days. All the more weighty as I’ve just polished off 3 slices of leftover pizza from lunch with my ex-coworkers. It’s good to be a little social, breaking free from my hermit self. But I do require a lot of alone time. Too much social fluttering exhausts me. It’s the way I’m built.

It’s only logical that I don’t have many friends. I can handle only x number of people in my life. I used to feel so inadequate/lacking and ashamed. I was not a success. I felt like a wallflower, an accompaniment and not the main meal deal. Now at this end of life, my friend list is even shorter with retirement. I still feel like an accompaniment sometimes but I am content. I have a live-in and Sheba. We don’t always see eye to eye. Some days not at all. Sheba can be a brat and sheds hair everywhere. We are healthy and hearty. What more can I ask for?

I don’t ask for happiness. I work towards healthy body and mind. I feel I can do alot if I have that. I feel ever so tire still today. I always blame the weather. It’s another way I’m built but I manage very well. I got to my exercise class, socialize with ex-coworkers, took Sheba to the park, painted, read some more of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I’m getting it. If I want change, I have to change my conversation, how I see myself, how I interpret my environment. Change is exciting.

WALKING MY TALK

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It’s friggin’ hard!

If I am wanting changes, new feelings, new results, new everythings, I best give up doing the same old, same old. Realization is one thing. Doing is another. Mornings often find me dragged down with old issues. I’m weighed down with feelings of avoidance, cornered with no escape. I reluctantly gave up the warm fuzzy comfort of my housecoat, got into my day clothes and made some dreaded phone calls. It didn’t solve everything, but one step further. It’s an action.

I always talk a great talk, don’t I? It’s been said that I know how to talk. I wonder if I ever put them into action. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, playing the same song over and over. I’m putting an effort into ‘walking my talk’. Everything about it is hard – getting into day clothes, phoning, sitting here, making a start. It’s going against the grain, that nail against the chalkboard. I’ve made a start of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It’s not an easy read for me right now. My mindset is on thrillers. Y is for Yesterday is in my possession. I much rather read it instead. I see it has many bad reviews. I probably will like it very much. But I’ll persevere with the former – a little every day.

I’m liking what the author, Dr. Joe Dispenza, has to say, despite the difficulty of understanding quantum physics. We are more powerful than we realize. It’s also something that my guru, Caroline Myss says many times. They both stress that we are in the energy age, that matter is made up of energy. Thoughts are powerful. I heard that one also from the ER doctor tending me on one visit. It was instumental in helping me over my panic attacks. That and his genuine belief and concern for my distress. Energy travelling through his demeanor and voice towards me.

I like to take away a few new points in my daily reading. Today I’m making note of how powerful my thoughts/I am and that matter is made up of energy. Rather than spending my thoughts on the things that I don’t want, I should be thinking about the things I do want. AND I’m putting into practice of doing those things that needed doing but somehow my head finds difficult and want to put off. I sound silly and lazy when I say getting my car washed, filling it with gas, taking Sheba to the doggy wash, buying my shampoo….are difficult. They ARE so difficult in my head. Perhaps my brain dyslexic or injured. I’m hoping the habit of repetition will make things easier.

I try to do one or two difficult things a day. I did the car wash and gas fill up on Monday. Today after the dog park, we went to the doggy wash. Sheba was not thrilled but she is sweeter smelling. She liked the doggy treat part. We stopped for my shampoo on the way home. The thing for me to remember is not to be overwhelmed with too many things on the to-do list. I need to disassociate emotions/feelings from the activity. It’s a step by step process. There’s nothing difficult about going to the car/doggy wash, gassing up, etc. Just do, don’t think or feel.

 

UNPLUGGED

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Snoopy

I’m giving serious thought on as how to unplug and undo the unwants in me. Life is short as they say. I’m not getting any younger. Why hang on to my uglies with tooth and nail? There’s some benefits to being down with the flu or the winter blues. It slows down life and me with it. It adds weight to everything. Greys are heavier, pressing down on my shoulders. Sunlight is more brilliant, showing up all the dust and lint and Sheba’s chalky footprints on the hardwood floor. Things that nauseate me sickens me more. It’s impetus enough to want change.

The first step is to stop envying everybody else. It is wasteful energy. Logically, the second step is to come back to myself. I am seldom home, within my body or mind. Nobody’s asked me, but I have been living in other people’s lives. It’s not because I’m such an ultruistic person. It’s out of habit and it is easier than dealing with myself. It’s not true that you can never go home again. I am going to find my way back to the one who needs me the most – me. I’ve began the journey many times, but have never passed GO. So here goes!

The third step is Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself/ How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One.  The title had caught my eye a few years ago and I bought the ebook format. But I haven’t read it being on the Kindle app. It has a lot of bad as well as good reviews. Some people called him a quack. He’s a chiropractor. I’ve learned that other people’s reviews don’t always hold true for me. The title is enough of a stimulus for change.

Already I broke my habit of another cup of tea/decaf coffee. I’ve had 3 cups already and don’t need anymore. Instead I had water with my snack of an orange and a piece of cheese. I’m reading Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart. It’s about a woman suffering from severe brain injury and PSTD. It received alot of bad reviews from readers on Goodreads but I’m finding it very good. It’s fiction but the brain injury information is very interesting. I’m sure the author did factual research into the subject. I’m thinking: If an injured brain can rewire and relearn, so can I. It’s an exciting thought – reinventing myself. Why not?

What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.  ~ Napoleon Hill ~

G IS FOR GUILT, P IS FOR PLAN

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I am slowly getting over my physical indisposition. At any rate, I’m not allowing it to affect my pyschological outlook. It was hard work though. I had to concentrate, talked to myself alot. You can choose, my inner voice lectured in my head. I gave it some thought and went down the optimist’s path. Better a high road than a low one. Isn’t that everyone’s advice?

At the end of the day, yesterday, my head was such a tangled nightmare. My hair felt electrofied, standing on end. All my work stations were jumbled messes. I felt nauseous. I would puke if I could. In the morning, things didn’t look quite as bad. So now, it’s my measuring stick for feeling sick or tired or both. It helped me to decide to stay home from my exercise class and not feel guilty about it. I’m a good example of someone being hard on herself. I wonder when I will feel grownup. I have nobody to answer to, not even a boss.

Somehow I do feel more grownup, having made that decision and some other choices. Today and now is always the first day of any change. Some routine makes for efficiency. Too much makes ruts. I need to work on my ‘mess piles’ since they do aggravate my well-being and hinder creativity. I’m always having to dig through to find things. I try not to let the thought of clearing and cleaning overwhelm me. I cleared my head, took a breath. I decided I would clear a spot/deal with a chore, one at a time. There would be no multi-tasking. I will have to put things away from now on. That is my plan.

To set things in motion, I renewed my library stuff online to avoid late fees. I had a due back soon email yesterday. I changed the bedding, laundered, dried, fold and put it all away. I did the dishes after lunch before taking Sheba to the park. We did the 2 laps around and no more, though we were asked to do another by 2 ladies. The good company was tempting but I stuck to my  plan. Overdoing had worn me out.

It is a little after 5 pm. The sun is still out. Looks like spring is here. My ‘work’ is done. Time to let go of the day. This is enough.

HAVE COUCH, WILL FLY

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I do listen to my body eventually. When you are on a roll as they say, it is hard to put the brakes on. But it is protesting loudly so I can’t stay on the cruise control. I have to give the brakes a tap and change to a more comfortable speed. I watched the Winter Olympics last night without doing anything else. Even if it’s the mindless knitting of a scarf, part of the mind is engaged and consuming energy. It was a very relaxing cathartic experience to be a couch potato watching the men’s free style skiing. My mind’s wrinkles loosened and smoothed. It was as if it was I who was flying free in the air. What a way to travel without leaving the couch! I should do it more often.

I’m doctoring myself with some home grown, home made dandelion tea. I’m feeling a tad under the weather. Too much winter and too many days of trotting in the wind at the park with Sheba. It’s caught up with me today. I’m trying to rescue/salvage myself before I tipple over with a cold/sinus condition. I think it’s working. I am not so shivery cold, tired and achy. Good on me. I hate being laid up, even slightly.

My day is at a slower pace but I’m getting stuff done. You see how obsessive I am, still talking about getting things done. I had to set the timer for 3 minutes so that I could sit for a full 2 minutes of meditation. I probably need to do it twice a day. Then I need to increase it by a minute regularly. I read outloud a few pages of The Wolf Border by Sarah Hall. Have you read it? It is very good. I tend to rush and skim, so by reading outloud, I have to read every word. I hope to slow myself down and not expend useless energy and missing some of the narrative besides. I am impatient with everything I do. I’m doing an auto correct on myself.

This is who I am. I’m a fiddler – fiddling with the order of things to find better tunes. It’s senseless doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. I can’t remember who originated that phrase – Wayne Dyer or Dr. Phil. Maybe it was Oprah. I’m grateful to whoever it was. It is now 5 pm. I’m finishing my cup of tea. The bread is out of the oven. Sheba’s been walked. I’ve painted my watercolour index cards. I wasn’t sure about everything but there are no MUST DOs. Only what I can do today. I am tired now but pleased.

THE YEAR OF THE DOG

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Gong Hee Fat Choy! Happy Chinese New Year. I am bushed! I don’t know how I managed a job before retirement. I’m not wearing red. I didn’t clean house in preparation for the new year. I vacuumed today. Oops! Well, it’s not sweeping. I’m not sweeping out my good fortune. It’s hard to observe my cultural traditions living so apart from my people. Aside from family, I don’t know that many Chinese people. I have no Chinese friends. I’m lacking in so many ways, negating much of what I set out to do. We will have our family New Year supper on Sunday – a day of rest for those who work.

That’s how life is going for me – negotiating and changing. I’m not sure it it’s for the better or it is just different. That’s how the world is. It’s changing so fast I’m often left breathless. I’m trying to keep up. I’m here, aren’t I, tapping as fast as I can. I am often confused and puzzled. Most of the time I’m cranky, in a mood. I wonder how I can get out of myself. I think of things I can do. What do I have to change? The rule I have when I come to this space is to leave on a higher note. I might tell you how I am feeling, what space I am in. But it is always about me and not anybody else. I try to be objective and not to crank out my personal biases. Hit me on the head if I do.

That is one thing I’m proud of – my words here. It leads me to think on what Caroline Myss says about the power of words.  “A mystical perspective: Your words are your power tools. Each word you use initiates an act of creation and is a thread holding together a part of the fabric of your life. Take one word out of your vocabulary and all the creative power that that word contains evaporates from your life. Take the word “love” out, for example, and everything you understand, know, feel, and experience about “love” would no longer exist.”

I’ve been thinking about a word that I would like to eliminate from my speech. It’s difficult to think of one. I don’t like ‘hate’ but it’s not one I use often. What I say alot is I don’t care. I use it often in self defence/protection. I’m not sure if I mean it. I am giving it meaning by saying it. By eliminating it, it means I do care. Everything matters. I will see how that difference will play in my attitude and well-being.

Today is the first day of the lunar year, the Year of the Dog. Sheba, the dog and I went to the park to celebrate. The sky and clouds were awesome. I saw the sun drift in and out of the clouds. It was travelling so fast it was hard to capture on the camera. Another reminder how fast life and time moves. Don’t think too much and hesitate too long. Put one foot in front of the other and do another lap around the park or wherever you want to go.

STRUGGLES

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This time in the afternoon is definitely not my best in terms of energy and mood. I am sapped and droopy. I am not sounding my most up nor energetic. I probably whine alot. I should try changing my schedule. But you know how difficult that can be. I am sort like Sheba now with habits. Once I’m in a rut, I need a crowbar to get me out of there. Mind you, some ruts are healthy – like my Saturday morning swim. My thinking brain didn’t like the idea. It started telling me how dark it is that time of the morning. But my body was craving it. It tells me it’s Saturday morning. It’s time for my swim. My body won that one.

My brain is now struggling to find the words, my body trying to find the energy. They both are searching and scanning for some purpose and meaning to what is this all about.

My search was not at all fruitful. I had to abandon and let it rest. It is now bedtime. Sometimes it is wise not to dig so hard for purpose and meaning. I have to give up on some struggles. Live and let live. Do not ask questions that have no answers. Do not expect others to agree with me. Do not expect others to change. Be the change I want to see. I am finally learning to speak for myself and of myself. Peace. Sleep well. I hope to do better tomorrow.

LIKE THE LIONS

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“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.

I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.

I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.

But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?