STARRY, STARRY NIGHT

Another bitterly cold day. It’s a fast brisk poop run for Sheba and me. I wonder where our world is going. In the news, seeing the homeless in Toronto and the starving, sick children in war torn countries bring tears to my eyes. I am sitting warm, fed and in my home with excesses. How can I feel right with all I have? At least it made me feel better about my simple Christmas. It was the right way to celebrate.

I am reminded by Caroline Myss this morning of this special time we are living in. Our world and its myths are changing. We have to change the way we see everything. You have to listen to her speak to understand. It’s beyond my ability to explain. I understand a bit of it. Each time I listen, I understand a little more. I am aware this is an extraordinary time in history. I am in awe. I don’t want to waste it, moping and helpless. I don’t want to look back and regret. Oh, I could/should have done something! If only….

So here I sit, in my special hour, tap, tapping away – for enlightenment, for comfort, for vision. I know that I am in a special time- that space between real and energy time. I am aware that we are multi-sensory. I feel the energy around me. Some people give off a powerful presence when they enter a room/space. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? I have. Maybe it’s their body language or facial expression but it’s like an aura surrounding their body. It’s makes me want to back away or rush forward for an embrace – depending on what they give off.

I have been receiving ping backs for awhile now. A thought, idea, an awareness will suddenly pop right in front of my face. I can almost touch it. The first time that it happened, I went: Oh my goodness! No, I don’t want it to be true. But it was. And I was sad. I’m okay with it now. We all possess this ability. It’s just that some of us are not paying attention. We are not listening and we never will. That line jumped right out of Don McLean’s song, Vincent. Oh, how thoughts weave in and out of my mind!

What am I doing if not wasting time, moping and sobbing? It’s really nothing special. I do rave and rant here once in awhile. There is not enough time to mope. I am slow as a slug. I haven’t caught up to the speed of energy yet. I like to press ENTER like on my computer and things get done. I don’t function that way anymore. No more flash in the pan. Now it’s the slow layers of paint that I put on the canvas, the painstakingly slow learning of stitches, programs, and functions of my new Bernina sewing machine. Otherwise it won’t go. It’s no more speeding down the highways of life. I’m processing. I’ve been rewired and rebooted. I am awake, if only a little.

PURPOSE, PROJECTS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

The day/life is much easier with purpose. It gives you structure and a starting point. It’s the catalyst that pushes me through the starting gate and onward to the finish line. I’m in a better frame of mind. It’s reassuring that I am not always pooling in my puddles. It only seems so. Once more the sun is shining on me, literally. I have to take off my sweater. It’s that warm.

The words feel more fluid in the warmth. They are flowing with ease from my fingertips. I am at ease in this moment with Sheba sleeping beside me. The sun feels so warm, the tea so good. I close my eyes, inhaling, exhaling..living. I give thanks of gratitude to the wisdom of people like Viktor Frankl, Caroline Myss and Professor Guy McPherson. McPherson, a biology professor believes that climate change from our heavy footprint is destroying our planet beyond repair. Even so, we should not despair. He advises:

“I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

Those words resonate with me. I am in pursuit of those goals the best I can. They are my torch on gloomy days, beckoning onward or to sit and rest awhile. I need heroes and cheerleaders to coach me along the way. It’s one thing to get started and another to follow through to the end. I’ve had a bit of practice. It’s easier every day. I get up, dress up and show up the best I can. Some best are better than others. That’s how it is.

What are my pursuits in concrete language? The biggy right now is mastering my new Bernina computerized sewing machine. It would have been wise to do some checking. Too bad I didn’t read this blog before. No matter. I have no buyer’s regret. I have a vision of using it as another medium for my artwork. I was inspired by images of free motion embroidery. They popped into my head one day. I can do that, I said to myself. I trust my instincts and ‘feelings’. So off to the Sewing Machine Store I went.

I’m not off and running yet but it is out of the box. After hours of watching tutorils on YouTube, I’ve bobbined and manually threaded the needle. Haven’t mastered the automatic threader yet. I can turn it on, off, navigate some of computer screen and use the straight and zigzag stitches. Not exactly flying or embroidering but still pretty awesome. I think I’ll go and hem my pants now. Be back tomorrow with more progress – I hope.

HOW TO BE HAPPIER

Today I’m tempted to throw up my hands and cry, For what purpose am I doing this? THIS meaning the tap tap of my keyboard. Sometimes I seem to go on and on about the same thing. Worse yet, they seem to be about nothing. Then I read Amy Tan’s post on FB on how to be happier in these trying times. Well, I do have a pet – Sheba. She’s just started up her usual antics now, barking up a fit. I see that her water bowl is empty. She has good reason to bark. Sorry Sheba. My fault this time.

Having Sheba/a pet is a life enhancer even though she is a ton of work. She gets me out the door on walks no matter rain or shine. She has taught me to look up and see the blue sky of a sunny day, the soft pinks of a December sunset. She has shown me it can be fun teaching and learning obedience and tricks. She’s given me structure to the day. She has a built in alarm clock. She is pretty accurate most of the time. But she is not always a reliable security guard. We have been robbed. She was sleeping on the job.

What Amy suggest if you can’t keep a pet, is to take up bird watching. She suggests to learn more about them by encouraging them to come into your yard with bird food. She sketches them, too. I think I will stick to tapping on my keyboard for now. It does make me happier to give voice to the angst – all my negativity and sarcasm. They do tend to fester inside, rolling over and over in the canyons of my mind. Ha! Music is playing in my head again. I’m stealing phrase(s) from Bob Lind’s Elusive Butterfly. It’s a great song. Beautiful lyrics. Don’t you agree? But I really should acquire a more recent playlist for my head.

I’m have to rethink about being ‘happier’. What does happy feel like anyways? I’m more aware of when I’m not. My whole body reacts, screaming, We’re not copacetic. Get us out of here! Everything, all of me retreats, withdraws, shrinking inside, hiding where it is safe. So ‘happier’ for me is to make my body feel good. Sometimes I need some spiritual guidance to help me out. That sometimes is now. That guidance source is from Caroline Myss. I need her ‘put your head in the toilet’ no-nonsense approach. We are so fortunate to be in this energy age. I can access help with a tap of the keyboard – the Internet coming to rescue my InnerNet.

It is good to hear Caroline talk about our present time being special, extraordinary. The stories and myths of yesterday no longer work. That’s exactly how I am feeling – that my stories/myths are passé. They no longer work for me. I have to change my stories, my voice, my vision. I am not the center of the Universe. I’m listening to her voice telling me to humble up, that I am not special. Yes, put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes and reboot my life. Got it, Caroline! Thanks for the cold water.

Oh, I do feel happier now. My body is laughing.

I’M A BIG GIRL NOW

October 2, 2017. Cloudy, rainy and windy, the stuff of ugly autumn days. I should not put labels on the day. It is a day. The weather has changed. The ugliness is my automatic reaction to change. I struggle with it. It throws a monkey wrench into my well grooved rut. It means I have to work harder to get my brain around the change/problem. I can feel my cortisol rising, my brain fogging up. Sometimes I want to cry and have a tantrum. I know it won’t help. Nobody can/will help. It’s my problem. Everybody has their own shit. Better buckle up and suck it up, Buttercup. You are a big girl now.

I’m tapping it up, or out. I’m taking a breath in and out, calming and clearing my head. I’ve reviewed the process of problem solving. What is the problem? What is it that I want to achieve? What is it that I need to do first, next, and then. I take my own advice and do the steps. There, done! Now I wait for the resolution.

What I know for sure is that I lack patience and concentration. My mind is fractured in a million directions. It probably is contributing to my sleeping problems in the last while. I need to stay more focused and not be so distracted and distraught – wasting energy, treading water. I am going to work on staying in the present moment using Caroline Myss’ advice. I will chart my progress here.

Five Rules for Staying in Present Time

Choose something in your life that you want to change, but make it a reasonable choice. Choose something that will require daily attention, such as exercising every day or changing your nutritional program. Whatever the choice, just make sure it’s something you really can accomplish each day without having to turn your world upside down. Pay attention to every obstacle or distraction that surfaces to prevent you from accomplishing your goal. Write down the obstacles along with your impressions about why you are sabotaging your practice to keep your awareness in present time.
Two times a day, create an image and see how long you can hold that image without any distraction from your external environment. Once again, make note of what distracts you—emotional concerns, noises, bodily discomfort, traveling into your past. Every form of distraction holds a literal and symbolic meaning. It’s worth the extra step to consider the meaning of your distractions.
Pay attention to your excuses and how often you use the past to excuse something you are doing or do not want to do in the present moment, particularly if you use illness or lack of energy.
Make note of what energizes you in the present moment. What makes you feel good? And then pay attention as to whether you think, say, or do something that sabotages your joys, particularly if what you think or do is based on the past.
Develop a mantra—a special short positive thought—that brings your attention back to present time.

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE

Good morning sunshine. Another beautiful day greets me as I open my livingroom blinds. I love the gold of autumn leaves and the morning traffic whizzing by. Monday morning at its best. The beginning of another day and week. I had a wonderful night of sleep without the nutmug. I’m also at my best.

I stretched and made myself another cup of tea. I’ve been reading the pros for chia seeds by Food Matters, then the cons by the Paleo Diet. And I heard Caroline Myss screaming in my head, It’s not being vegan or organic. You can eat cat food for all it matters. There’s truths in all. I have to be my own wizard to choose and decide for myself. What works for me? I see better in this morning space – tapping and listening to the quiet.

I’m feeling like Wonder Woman now that I got my sleep back. Yes, Autumn is beautiful with the sunshine, its golds, oranges and browns. But it can be a trickster with its heavy cloudy periods and shorter daylight. I have to be careful and trickier to balance living in both. They each have their pros and cons.

INSPIRATION AND EXPECTATION – DAY 44 In a year of…

Day 44, Sept. 4, 2016 @7:19 pm

I haven’t changed my time of arrival here. If anything, I’m arriving later rather than sooner. I hope to have more words and paragraphs. I’m hoping for more inspiration.

These days I am dogged by fatigue, sleepiness and pain. This morning laying in bed, I wondered if I am suffering from fibromyalgia – that vague ailment that many suffer from. I have listened for many years to my mother’s own complaints of aches, pain and fatigue. I wondered if that is what she has. Once again I googled ‘fibromyalgia’. I came to the same conclusions as before. I don’t know anything more than I did before. I am not willing to take to take a lot of drugs. I am highly functional despite my discomfort. It doesn’t matter what name you give the cluster of symptons so I will not spend a lot of time chasing doctors and diagnosis.

I moved on with life and my day, starting with my qi gong routine. I breathed and moved, infusing my body with chi. I put my mind into the gentle movements, knowing that it is not a one time fix. It is a lifetime of healthy habits. It need not be a big, big thing. It is always these small steps we take for ourselves. They can heal. They can build muscles in the body and mind.

I did find my inspiration reading Caroline Myss’s August newsletter on inspiration and expectation. What I got from it was that it is better to inspire or to be inspired than to expect. Expectation has a sense of entitlement to it. If we are good, we expect to be rewarded. But the question is by whom? This is the part from the newsletter that spoke to me:

“Expectations do not serve you or anyone else. It’s much better to be filled with inspiration than with expectations, as the latter usually disappoints you.

And remember, the idea that there is a right path or a wrong path is a child’s way of thinking. And it leads to the secondary belief that you should be rewarded for taking the right path. Or conversely, challenges that are just ordinary in life would be viewed as proof you made the wrong choice. The very template of right-wrong, good-bad is limited by its nature.

Instead, learn to recognize your motives for making your choices in life. When motivated by fear or money or insecurities, you’ll make choices of equal quality. And those choices will fit the quality of your motivation. It is not God offering or withholding rewards from you. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. That, too, is part of the system of law and order in the universe. We are all subject to the consequences of our choices – such is the way of karma.

And so we reflect upon this wisdom: Know yourself, and you will know the Universe. Think of the power you have inside of yourself to determine the quality of your life experiences.” – Caroline Myss

SUMMER TIME

It is summer time and I am looking out the window at the greenest green. It is ironic that I am feeling my bluest blue. Beneath the blue I can feel my red anger bubbling through at the Power that made me this way. But I suppose that HE has a reason. That is what Caroline Myss says. There are no accidents. There is a plan, a story, a drama to be played out. I will wait and see.

I will sit and stay with my feelings and not run away. If I expect Sheba to listen to me, I have to listen to myself first. Sit and stay. Nothing will hurt me…. even when the clouds cast a shadow over me, I feel my skin crawl and someone is walking over my grave. Sit and stay. Everything is copacetic…A okay!

I sit and count my blessings. I sit and feel my discomfort, my pain. I sit and do my breath counts. I sit and plan my projects, the books I will write…on my life and times as a child in China, as an immigrant in a small town, as a nurse, as a…… I breathe in and out, counting the cross stitches on my Jesus picture. I see the loaves of bread and the potato biscuits I made yesterday. I sit and see the joy running in Sheba and I know that there is a higher power and purpose and know that this, too, shall pass.

And now, it is time to get up and MOVE…and do all those ordinary little things that add up to a life.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Caroline Myss