STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF – day 89 in a year of…

Posted on October 21, 2016 by hafong

Day 89, October 21, 2016 @11:09 pm

Another day in a year of making changes. It is a better day. I made it so. I closed my door to the noise of the world and lived in my own sanctum. Just as no man is an island unto himself, there is such a thing as too much connectedness. Too much of anything can lead to toxicity. For maximum happiness everything in therapeutic doses.

So no watching or reading the news for me today or tonight. I was drowning in the cess pool of the American election, the wars, the hurricanes and the errors of prescription filling. The last brought back bad memories and feelings of working as a nurse for over 30 years. I have to turn the world off and rest for awhile. It is a good thing.

What have you done differently today?

CHANGING MY TALK – Day 88 in a year of….

Posted on October 20, 2016 by hafong

Day 88, October 20, 2016 @10:14 pm

Some days I do wonder at the futility of what I am doing. What significance does my action have in the grand scheme of things? Dangerous thinking and feelings. I know that it is the lateness of the hour. I know it is too much news about the U.S. election. Too much Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Too much world news. It is very toxic for my mind. Yet I’m addicted, can’t stop watching. Thus – how I am feeling now. How is it affecting you?

So on this day and year of doing different, how am I doing different? Was I able to get out of my rut? Hard to decide as I am still the same person. I am still struggling with energy, following through and getting things done. At the end of each day, I’m feeling I haven’t moved anything off the mountain. So let’s not talk about conquering. I’m feeling disappointed with myself and the day, vowing I would do…tomorrow. In the morning, well I’m still tired. I can’t grab the tiger by the tail.

I feel like a broken record, spinning the same song over and over. I wonder if the song is true. Am I really as lazy, incompetent and full of excuses as I sound? It feels real. I do feel that tired. But I have done a thing or two today like running around the dog park in the morning with Sheba, walking her around the neighbourhood in the afternoon and slicing 7 trays of tomatoes for the dehydrator. I need to stop talking about getting things done. Maybe I should just breathe and be. Change my thinking, change my talk, change my life. Have you heard that one before?

It’s late. It’s time to go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

PAY OFF – DAY 87 in a year of….

Posted on October 19, 2016 by hafong

Day 87, October 19, 2016 @10:29 pm

It’s later than I thought. The days are always full. It’s a good thing, I guess. I’m not languishing in idleness. It is still cloudy and grey as can be. Despite that, our solar panels are still making small electricity during part of the day. I’m seeing my glass half full. I’m making progress. My attitude is improving bit by bit. I am pleased that I am able to push past the greyness though it wraps itself around my head. It fits me like a hat.

It was not pleasant to work outside today. It was cool with the clouds pushing down. But once out, I had to do something. The carrots need to come out of the ground. The likelihood of warmer, drier weather seemed remote. No more waiting. The snow was gone from the raised beds. One of them was cleared and ready for planting. I had good success from seeding spinach and lettuce last fall. I had beautiful greens for eating early in spring. With some effort, I prepared the rows and seeded the bed with spinach, mesclun mix, romaine lettuce and radishes. Sheba was supervising.

I’m feeling stronger. My morning aerobics three times a week are paying off. It’s not easy. It makes life busier but it is building my core strength. I can feel the strength in my stance, in the handling of activities of daily living, in decreased stress and anxiety. I am not getting any faster or neater, though. I am not in a race. I don’t think Good Housekeeping is going to check up on me.

Another day complete. I am happy with the changes I am making. It’s mostly changing the way I see things. Time for bed.

NO MATTER WHAT THE WEATHER – Day 86 in a year of..

Posted on October 18, 2016 by hafong

Day 86, October 18, 2016 @8:29 pm

The day was cloudy as cloudy could get. It was difficult to summon up the desire and energy to do anything or go anywhere. It is good to have dates, commitments and challenges to fulfill. They get me out of bed. I dress up, make up and show up whether I feel like it or not. I now have enough experience to know that once I make a start, the rest will follow. Of course not all starts are equal. Some are harder than others.

But once I start, like now, tap tapping on the keyboard, the rest will flow. There is a rhythm to it. I am soothed by the letters and words as they march across the page. I love the silence that I am working in. My senses are irritated and nerves jangled by all the drama happening on the world’s stage. At the same time, I am intrigued and fascinated by it all. I wonder how much of it is true. But enough now! I have to stop all that noise and make sense of my day.

Despite all the grey and dreariness of the day, I am feeling fantastically well. One cannot help feeling it just saying the word. I was able to haul my ass out to the dog park. Sheba is always eager and willing no matter what the weather. I am learning from her. She is a good teacher. If only she could speak a little softer.

IF NOT FOR – Day 82 and 83 in the year of…

Posted on October 15, 2016 by hafong

Day 82 and 83, October 15, 2016 @8:26 am

There is a bit of sunshine this morning. Thank the Lord for small mercies. I am feeling a little blue and discouraged. Too much in the news and social media last evening and this morning. How do you not pay attention to what’s happening in the world? You would want to know if disaster is coming and prepare for it, wouldn’t you?

The question is, What do you do in today’s climate? Our world is a minefield waiting to be detonated. Which way to go? It is likely that we all are tiptoeing carefully in our personal domain. We are careful and silent till the explosion goes off. I am tired of it all, aren’t you? I am tired of the Trump-Clinton dramas, of the media circus, of the corruption, racial slurs and inequities, of personal conflicts. If only I could vomit it out. I guess that’s exactly what I am doing!

Please do not worry about my state of mind. It’s my writing mind and my fingers tapping out what is in my body. But are they true feelings? It’s helpful to put them on the page and let the light shine on them. I have been accused by many people that I say what most people would only think. That has puzzled me. What is wrong with what I say? They are not vulgar. They are not lies. I do not gossip. Others have said I’m brave.

I do not feel particularly brave. I love words. I love their sound as they fall from my fingertips. If not for them, I would find it harder to breathe. I would find life more difficult. If not for life’s adversities, I would not be as adept with my words. As I am now tapping, I hear the Byrd’s lyrics.

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

Yes, sometimes it is hard to watch what is unfolding before me – chaos, distrust and hatred. But I have to believe in purpose and the beauty in our lives. Sometimes I moan and groan about Sheba, but if not for her, I would miss a lot of nature’s beauty, the stuff that can heal a battered and disillusioned soul. She insists and drags me out to witness skies, blue or grey, to feel the wind rippling my hair, the rain on my face and in my shoes. She’s like a bunny hopping through the snow, a little black seal in the river …. She brings me utter joy.

But now she’s barking. Enough already! It’s time to go for our walk.

LISTENING – Day 81 in a year of….

Posted on October 13, 2016 by hafong

Day 81, October 13, 2016 @11:17 am

Day 81 finds me here with my snack bowl, watching Martha Beck live on Facebook. She asks, Do you feel like sh*t right now? As a matter of fact, I do, Martha. How astute you are! My blood sugar is low. Therefore, my feeling like sh*t. I’m grumpy as a bear. All my aches and pain are magnified. So are Sheba’s barks. I’m giving her sh*t and she won’t shut up. I stand up to see what the H was bugging her.

It is a beautiful big blue jay on the lower branches of the spruce tree. Thanks, Sheba! I would have missed it. I know I don’t listen to you enough. Most of the time I think you’re troublesome, barking for nothing. I’m wrong. You are trying to say something but I didn’t listen.

Today marks the day I will listen more – to Sheba, what my body and everything else is saying to me. Everybody and everything are talking. They all have something to say. It is up to me to pay attention and LISTEN. Some people and some things are more important than others. It is up to me to weed out the rubble and keep the pearls.

PICKING IT UP – Day 80 in a year of….

Posted on October 11, 2016 by hafong

Day 80, October 11, 2016 @9:51 am

I abandoned ship yesterday. It was a tough day physically. When you are tired and achy, everything is tough and of a different colour. I gave myself a break. It was an appropriate day being World Mental Health Day. We have to take care of our mental as well as physical health. Rest is good for body and soul. Rest for me is stepping a little away from introspection. That was my doing different yesterday.

I’m here, now – with my hot chocolate and two marshmallows on top. I’m picking up where I left off. I’m trying for a sweet and warm start. My desk is not any more organized or tidy but I’m not letting that stop me. Getting organized does not work for me. It’s a myth and a procrastination tactic and trap.

My doing different today is not to fall back to my old ways, old feelings, old habits, old attitudes. Yes, I’m grumpy and unpleasant inside. I recognize that. My feelings are real but it is not anybody’s fault. My different is acceptance and finding ways to re-frame what/how I see and feel. Recognition gives me that pause to reset that button in my brain before I act.

GIVING THANKS – Day 79 in a year of…

Posted on October 9, 2016 by hafong

Day 79, October 9, 2016 @10:26 am

Thanksgiving. Here I am with my cup of tea and the dog. There’s much to be thankful for. Each morning is an opportunity to do different, to do better. The decision lies in me and no one else in how and what direction I will travel. I am responsible for the results and consequences of my actions. At least they are from my conscious decisions. I’m not letting life happen to me.

It’s Sunday, ‘a day of rest’. I shall sit and linger awhile, sipping all the good stuff that is in my life. I shall contemplate and muse upon synchronicity – all those whispers that come to me when I am quiet and still. When I am willing and ready to listen and hear. I know there is much that I need/want to change. There’s much I need to question with: Is that really true? I recognize those moments that I need to ask. I recognize those times I’m fighting them. There’s a stubbornness and a twist in my heart. No, I don’t want to! It’s a big signal to ask: Is that really true?

Recognition is a gift to be thankful for. If I don’t recognize myself, how can I go forward? How can I be/do anything? On this Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for this poem by Derek Walcott. It says everything that is in my heart at this moment.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

STAYING WITH IT – DAY 78 in a year of..

Posted on October 8, 2016 by hafong

Day 78, October 8, 2016 @9:24 am

Staying with things is not my forte. When things get tough/unpleasant, I like to jump ship and abandon. I have a trail of unread books, unfinished projects and unresolved relationships. Who doesn’t, though? I’m proud to say that I have toughed it out and finished reading The Crime Writer – a novel about Patricia Highsmith. She is described in the Guardian:

“She seduced a string of women, bred snails, suffered from severe depression, became an emotionally avoidant alcoholic and was variously viewed as kind, witty, and a nightmare.”

Nothing pleasant in the psychologic study of this woman or her life. It left me feeling as I had after watching the movie, The Talented Mr. Ripley. But I stayed immersed in the unpleasant, dark and sinister possibilities of our humanness – what our thoughts can lead us to do. Not everything is life is pleasant. Everything is plausible.

I’m hoping this exercise of staying with the unpleasant/difficult can strengthen my fortitude and not run for the escape hatchet tout suite. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed because I left/gave up too soon.

It’s tough showing up here every day even though I love the tap, tap of my keyboard. But consistency makes it easier. It’s becoming a habit. Habits do make life easier but I still have to make a conscious effort.

What ship have you left lately? I’m off to search for a pleasant read. It is Saturday, a day to sooth the self.

MORNING PAGES – Day 77 in a year of…

Posted on October 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 77, October 7, 2016 @7:05

I’m feeling a little grainy and ruffled this morning, not wanting to start at all. The morning is still dark. It would be darker if not for the snow. I feel weighed down with the heaviness of winter – snow, boots, hats, scarves, mitts… Winter! It’s only October 7th. Maybe I will feel better after the effects of shovelling wears off. Maybe it will warm up and autumn can resume for another couple of months. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

There! I have ventilated, letting out my heaviness. Not exactly long enough to fit in with Julie Cameron’s Morning Pages. It’s not 3 pages, not even 3 paragraphs of ranting. I’m getting better, improving, not so long winded before I get going. Now I can concentrate on my glass half full.

Have you ranted? Give it a try. Do it any way that works for you. No one has to know.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: a year of change