SITTING AND STAYING – day 108 in a year of…

Posted on November 10, 2016 by hafong

Day 108, November 10, 2016 @1007 pm

Another sunny morning. The sun rose again. I sit and observe, feeling all there is, not trying to understand or fix anything. Life is as it is. I am still in this spaciousness of now. I am grateful for this gift. I am grateful for this life.

The sun is filling me up with light and optimism. I am strong enough to enter the messiness of my life. I am able to feel all the ‘uglies’ I’ve been unwilling to face. I can sit and stay with the nausea, the revulsion rising up, the tremors, the chills and sweats of my body. They are sensations. Like everything else, they pass. I have chosen to do different. I accept the consequences. Doing the same had made me ill. Now I am healing myself.

I am opening one Pandora’s Box at a time. No scary Jack jumped out at me. I breathe a sigh of relief. What I found instead was the soft child in me. I rescued that child and held her once more in my heart space. I am my own mother.

RETURNING – day 106 in a year of….

Posted on November 8, 2016 by hafong

Day 106, November 8, 2016 @10:49 am

The morning is grey. I bring myself back to this space to dispel it. I’m returning to my journey of making changes in a conscious way. If I don’t, they will happen to me willy, nilly. Better to go into them with eyes wide open.

I sat with Timothea Goddard’s session of the Mindfulness Summit 2015 to review the 3 insights from practicing mindfulness and cultivating kindness.

Pain can’t be avoided.
Everything is impermanent.
The self – the me, I, mine is always changing and not permanent.

In short you can sum the insights up as life sucks, everything changes and don’t take anything personally. If I can really accept the first two and learn to live the third, life could be a lot easier. And it is. I have been practicing. Sometimes I have become distracted and wandered off. I’m learning to come back and come back more readily and often. I’m less inclined to throw up my hands and say, I CAN’T do it!

This morning I’ve returned to the task of clearing my work table in the basement. It was not hard. It was not easy. It felt unpleasant. I stood and felt my avoidance/nausea for a moment, not knowing where to start. Then I just plunged in, opening an envelope, a shoebox, taking out papers, shredding them, bagging them. I let the feelings be. I did not try to chase them away. Then an understanding of what they are/why they are came. It was okay. I was okay. It was like what Oprah calls peeling an onion. I’ve peeled the first layer, the beginning of an opening. It is enough. I will return tomorrow.

What box have you opened today?

THE BEAT GOES ON – day 105 in a year of..

Posted on November 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 105, November 7, 2016 @6:10 pm

The days are marching by, one by one. There’s sunshine. The flight of birds in the sky and the rustling of leaves in the breeze. Autumn in its finest. I must not tarry – lost in dreams. I must march along. The beat goes on. And so do I on this November day.

I have been distracted and wandered off. But I’ve come back. I am learning that it is our nature to be distracted, thinking a million thoughts at once. I’m learning to bring myself and my wandering mind back again and again. It will always be this way. And what an interesting and exciting way it is.

This morning as most every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, we were off to Val’s exercise class at the YWCA. I credit this class for clearing my brain fog and easing my anxiety. They are pretty good motives for me to return again and again. Val and the class are other reasons. They are so full of enthusiasm, energy and camaraderie. Today was a tabata workout. If you don’t know what it is, here’s a YouTube video. I believe our class is much harder workout!

The day is getting on. Supper is almost ready. I’m getting restless and distracted again. My writing is a bit sloppy and disjointed. I’m out of practice and concentration. I will end it here and come back tomorrow. The beat will go on. I have much to write about.

HELLO LIFE – Days 102 – 104 in a year of….

Posted on November 6, 2016 by hafong

Days 102 – 104, November 6, 2016 @5:59 pm

The days are rolling by. I’m falling behind in my writing and analyzing of my changes. The words and pictures are in me but the habit of putting off till later is still strong in me. Stronger than my will at present. I’m past my 100 days. I’m getting a clearer picture of how to proceed with my year. I’m claiming November as my own, to slow into sync with the season. It is time to get out of my head and live in real time.

I want November to rest and be with the physical, to feel the wind, rain and the ground beneath my feet. November is the month to nourish my body and mind for the winter. And so these last few days I have gone back to sit with a few of the mindfulness teachers from the Mindfulness Summit of October 2015. I’m learning and understanding my brain is nature’s brain. It is not my fault how it works but understanding its ways and being mindful can help me steer it in different directions.

Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is beautiful but it can get ugly. It is brittle and it is soft. However it comes, I will greet it as a welcomed guest. Hello life.

THE WHOLE PICTURE – Day 101 in a year of…

Posted on November 2, 2016 by hafong

Day 101, November 2, 2016 @2:22 pm

I’ve broken through the first 100 days of trying to doing/seeing things differently. I’m aiming for the next 100. Any breakthroughs/lightbulb moments? Yes and no. The first thing I realize is how habitual I am. I sit in the same chair. I drink from the same cup. I wear the same kind of clothes. I have attachments. I drive the same route. I go to the same exercise class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have the same routines. Habits and routines are not bad. In fact they are healthy, saving us time and energy.

Change is also healthy but it is hard. I discover that I do feel uncomfortable when I change where I sit, drinking out of a different cup. I feel the discomfort thinking about it before I even make the change. It sounds silly and I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it. I use the same locker at the YWCA every time I go. I’m quite put out if someone else claims it before me. So I’m also territorial! I will try for a different locker on Friday and get out of my comfort zone.

These 100 days have been a slow go, weary at times. Each day seem a drip into the bucket from a slow leaky tap. That’s what real life is like. It is real life. But at least I’m breaking out of the grey days of October. I’ve been whining, complaining and writing about it the whole month long. I’m hearing myself and I’m not proud. I’m making a turn though.

I’m seeing more of the whole picture now, not just the repetition of me, I and myself. I’m not the only one suffering and struggling. I’m just more vocal. And it’s okay. It’s how I find release. Some of us are more quiet than others. There’s promise of sunshine tomorrow into next week . Hallelujah! Praise the Lord.

To the next 100 days! May I flourish.

STARTING AGAIN WITH LESS – Day 99 and 100 in a year of…

Posted on November 1, 2016 by hafong

Day 99 and 100, November 1, 2016 @9:06 am

Surprising how busy and strapped for time I feel these days. When I get ***over with, I will do *-* is often in my thoughts. That time never comes. Something always fills that *** space. I’ve been feeling fatigued and stressed the last few weeks. My goal yesterday was to do less. I did not succeed.

Today is November 1st. October is over – an ending and a new beginning. I can try again to find that space of restfulness, of non striving, of doing one thing at a time. What better teachers to sit with than Melli O’Brien and Dan Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence? I’m learning not to feel the overwhelm. I’m reminded to take small steps. I’m appreciating the gift of sitting still with things as they are. The practice of coming back again and again to stillness, myself and what is important is worth the effort.

LIKE A BAG OF WORMS – day 98 in a year of…..

Posted on October 30, 2016 by hafong

Day 98, October 30, 2016 @8:17 am

The mornings are still dark at 7:30 but when I step outside, I see it is not total darkness. There is light reflected back from the white of the garage and the garden fence. Then there’s the Buddhas, sitting in prayer and contemplation under the spruce trees. How peaceful and stalwart they are through all the days and seasons.

They are good examples to emulate. I am not so peaceful. I’m testing my fortitude in this year of doing different. The thoughts in my head are like a bag of worms. They’re wiggling and squirming everywhere. I worry, fret, catastrophe, project, fear, so and on and on. On some dark mornings, I’m afraid to open my eyes and face the world. I’m nauseated by everything before my feet hit the floor. When I open my eyes, reality is not as bad as the stuff in my head.

I’m choosing to sit in meditation with Melli Obrien and Jack Kornfield this morning. I’m sitting to quiet my mind and open my heart. I’m learning to sit with the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the boredom and what have you(s). I’m getting to know them through sitting with them. I am not past the flight mode into stillness.

TWITCHING – Day 97 in a year of….

Posted on October 29, 2016 by hafong

Day 97, October 29, 2016 @3:10 pm

I don’t mind telling you that I have trouble sitting still with it all. I have trouble accepting things as they are. I have this twitch in me that I should fix things, fix you, fix me and our relationships. I feel that everything is my fault. I know, of course, that I am not all that powerful. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

I have this twitch that makes sitting with it all very difficult to do. Sometimes I have to get up and make myself a cup of tea. Other times like today, I get up and take Sheba to the park. I went missing for a couple of hours. Eventually I have to return to the heart of who I am. I cannot fix everything. Some things are not fixable. Some things are better left broken – till they are ready to mend on their own.

My urge to fix is gone. It’s okay to let things unfold without interference. I don’t have to rush in. I can just sit. I’ve lived through that moment of needing to. They will get easier with each sitting with nothing to do and no where to go. Just sitting with my breath and my mindfulness teachers, Melli O’Brien and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

RUMINATING – Day 96 in a year of…..

Posted on October 28, 2016 by hafong

Day 96, October 28, 2016 @7:33 pm

Our October days continue to be grey and dreary. But the solar panels are soldiering on, putting out some electricity. I harvested probably the last of the rapini for lunch. There is light and greenness amid all the gloom. You can surmise that I don’t do well under the circumstances. I might not be home free yet, but I think I’m past the most difficult stretch of days.

I’ve been ruminating about the past for the last few days, feeling regrets and sorrows about what could have been, if only I had. My head and heart really hurt from all that. And I have to let it all go. There’s no shame really. I am but human. We are built to wonder, doubt, regret and mourn for what we think we have erred and lost. It’s only right that I do acknowledge those feelings. But then to let them go.

In this year of trying to do different, I am keener of the tricks of life, of my and others foibles. I am trying to learn to be let go a little more, to be kinder to myself and others. I am trying to learn about forgiveness – what is it and is it possible. Difficult tasks but at least I have them in my awareness. I am not sleep walking through my journey.

A LITTLE DAB WILL DO ME – Day 90-95 in a year of….

Posted on October 27, 2016 by hafong

Day 90-95, October 27, 2016 @9:27 am

The world did stop and I stepped off the grid for a few days. Life was spinning too fast for me. I pressed the pause button for a breather. We can do that, you know. I am not/don’t want to be an EverReady battery, going on and on. I get a headache when I see and hear the drummer boy toy soldier beating his drum. Rat-a-ta-ta! I am happy to be a human being, flawed and stalled – for a little while.

Getting a recharge is wonderful – like a coffee/tea break. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been struggling through this last week of cloudy October days. I’ve kept a stiff upper lip and my chin up. But enough is enough already! God heard and gave us a sun shiny afternoon yesterday – a respite.

A little respite, a cup of tea is enough to put that tiger/growl back in my tank. It can bring me back to my keyboard. It is soothing to feel and hear the rhythm of the tap, tap beneath my fingertips. It feels good to sit in the weak October sunlight. A little dab will do me. I will put on my makeup, put on some earrings and smile.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: a year of change