GOOD FRIDAY

Posted on April 3, 2015 by hafong

Today is Good Friday. It is a good day, though it is overcast and cool. It is the kind of weather that unsettles and saps my energy. But Sheba has had a couple of good days and nights now. She is herself again. I am very grateful to see my happy puppy again. She is still my baby at 8 1/2.

This morning she wanted to play. It’s been awhile. When I asked her, she gleefully ran into the sunroom for her toys. She loves to play tug of war. She growls, teasing me to take her stick. Come and get it! She is a playful girl.

You have to take the difficult times along with all the days in between. The good days are all the sweeter after the trying times. All the days make up what we call life. It is what it is.

Acceptance is hard. This I know. But still…I am grateful for this moment to be here – as it is.

APRIL/SELF LOVE

Posted on April 2, 2015 by hafong

It’s another morning, another day. Snow has fallen during the night. The yard is bathed in white and sunlight. The night has been good for all of us. Our bodies and minds are rested. This morning the egg does not look so lonely on my plate. Our stomachs are sated. We are content.

It is not a bad thing to acknowledge our bad times. It is not a bad thing to vent. It is not showing our weaknesses, our failures but showing our humanity. If I can share my vulnerabilities, maybe you can share yours. We can learn from each other and build a bridge between us. Our planet can be a lonely place these days. We hide behind our fences and facades. We dare not trespass on each other’s backyard. It’s yours. It’s mine. Can we make it ours?

April is a good month to extend yourself by reaching out or within. It is the month of spring, the greening of the earth. It is a time for germination of seeds and ideas. How can we love ourselves and each other more? How can we plant more seeds for love?

APRIL’S FOOL

Posted on April 1, 2015 by hafong

It is April 1, a grey, dismal and depressing day. I’m not the first to say it. Someone beat me to it on Facebook. I hate to be the first to rain on the parade but today would be the kind of day that I could easily cave into my ‘the heck with its’.

I could have easily eaten a platter of fried eggs on toast. It would have been so comforting. It would have eased that generalized sense of discomfort, grumpiness arising from the pit of stomach – that sense of restlessness, dissatisfaction. But I stuck with my one egg on one toast, topped with a fried sliced tomato. It looked lonely on my plate. It sufficed my hunger if not my disposition.

My morning view – promise of summer ahead. #aprillove2015

How does one move on with the day when clouds hang really and metaphorically over one’s head? It’s good thing I had already signed up for a few challenges though today is the least likely time for them. At least I don’t have to rack my brain for ideas and inspirations. Now is not the time for brainstorming or brain surgery. Following through is much easier. It does not take much thinking or skill to aim the iPhone camera out of window and post the photo. This is for Susannah Conway’s April love photo challenge. It’s simple and quick, giving me a sense of accomplishment.

As you might know my dog, Sheba has been experiencing periods of anxiety. I have not been resting well at night with her restlessness. I am tired and cranky even in the morning with no energy for useful purposes. My yoga and meditation routines relaxed and mellowed me so I could take her out for her walk. Yes, there’s no rest for us mothers, even if our baby is a furry one.

The good thing about these kind of days is that the day seem to stretch forever. I have time on my hands to do whatever. Perhaps it is not the best time to cut my hair but I took a chance. Hair grows. I hate going to the hairdresser. I am happy with the result. It doesn’t look like a hatchet job, does it? I guess I could have smiled but smiling takes energy.

I am happy with how I’ve dealt with my day. I’m down to my final challenge – writing my post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is hard but first one word, then another. Then it’s one sentence followed by another. That is how life is, etc. etc.

I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

Posted on March 30, 2015 by hafong

Just when I think I have a handle on things, dare to relax and let go, life – that perennial jokester, shows herself again. I shake my head. What makes me think that there is smooth sailing into the sunset from now till eternity? It’s an illusion, happening only in movies. I know that, but still I hold onto that dream of Utopia. I am a little blue and sleep deprived. Sheba has had a little relapse with her anxiety yesterday.

We were too happy too soon with her recovery the other day. I thought it was behind us. But nothing is ever that easy. ~~We all~~ I know all that. How many times have I been sure that I will never be afraid again and I will never feel depressed again? And time after time I have been wrong. It is the cycle of everything. What goes up, must come down. There’s the good times. There’s the hard times. Otherwise life would be stagnant. The Universe would be a huge yawn. Do I really want a Utopia?

So Sheba is going through a rough period again. I take a deep breath. What do you do when your child is afraid? You can’t abandon her or tell her to snap out of it. You hold and love her. And so we put on her Thunder Shirt. It helps with the shaking. We stand over her while she eats. She looks over her shoulder with every bite, checking for the bogeyman. We can’t see or hear him but then we don’t have her senses.

Just when she is able to settle for the night on her mat at the foot of the bed, she is jolted upright by some energy. I don’t know if my imagination was at work or not, but I could feel ‘it’ at the same time – not the same intensity as Sheba but I sensed it all the same. There was no calming her. She would not lay down and she cried softly. How can you go to sleep when your baby is crying.

In the end, I took her out to the living room and we laid down on her big fluffy pillow. It was not big enough for both of us but I made do with three cushions and a couple of blankets. She relaxed and went to sleep. I was able to wiggle myself free and laid on the sofa within her sight. She was happy with that and stayed on her pillow. Surprisingly, I had a restful though short sleep.

Today, she is better though we still did the Thunder Shirt in the afternoon. We still stand guard when she is eating but she is restful tonight, going off to bed by herself. Yoga is good for both of us. She likes my mat. Hope it lasts but no one ever promised me a rose garden for ever and ever.

IN THE QUIET

Posted on March 28, 2015 by hafong

I have been wandering silent in the desert. I could not find nor utter any words. It is as if I am empty of everything. It is not a bad thing. It is just what it is – a time for the quiet.

In the quiet, I am learning to be still within myself. I’m finding that it is safe to stay here in this moment, in this space. No need to rush off. There is no emergencies, no one to rescue – except myself. I can be here for me.

My time in the desert is coming to an end. It is time well spent, getting acquainted with myself, feeling my body, its sensations, its discomforts and staying the whole while. I have learned to weather all the changes and storms like the majestic mountains. I am standing tall and rooted to the ground – steady and strong. I am understanding of being grounded. I am here today and not gone tomorrow.

I love the desert with its silence and barren beauty. I will come back again and again. It nourishes me and makes me feel whole.

DOROTHY and TOTO against WICKED

Posted on March 19, 2015 by hafong

It’s time for storytelling on Friday Fictioneers. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Here’s my tale of 100 words. I believe in fairy tales, princesses and witches.

PHOTO PROMPT – © Copyright – Rachel Bjerke

Dorothy shivered in the evening air. They had followed the yellow brick road. This was no Emerald City though everything was green with moss.

She scooped up some clean water from the fountain for them and sat down on the cushion of leaves beside Toto. They were exhausted from being whirled, twirled and dropped by the tornado.

They were pursued by the Wicked Witch of the West with her pack of wolves, crows and bees. Wicked was green like slime with a giant eye like cyclops. She was no match against Dorothy’s crucifix.

Safe! Now a fire and some food.

‘PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE’

Posted on March 17, 2015 by hafong

If wishes were horses, I would wish for more hours in a day. But what is the use? It is not possible. And the wise say it’s not the number of hours but what you do with them that matters.

Well, then I wish I have more patience and fortitude. What does it take to have those qualities? Googling, I find that PATIENCE is the quality or habit of enduring without complaint. FORTITUDE is: Strength of mind to meet or endure unfalteringly pain, adversity or peril; patient and constant courage.

Looking further, I find that they are the names of two lions flanking The New York Public Library. They are perfect personas of patience and fortitude – sitting, waiting and enduring through thick and thin. I remember my cousin Edmund taking me there once upon a time. I had taken out Herman Wouk’s Marjorie Morningstar. It is still one of my favourite books.

Can I hope for these qualities? My name certainly is not PATIENCE. I complain a lot – vocally and in print. I can feel my agitation stirring and neck veins bulging just thinking about it. I have to stop and take a breath, relaxing my shoulders, relaxing my face and smiling to ease the stress. My furry baby is better, BUT….In the evening, she starts her insistent whimpering and she is my own personal magnet. Yes, I need more patience – and discipline for Sheba.

I had an extra egg for breakfast this morning – more protein to build FORTITUDE. I am very good at rationalizing. I am grouchy. Protein is good for smoothing my edges. I am in month 4 of healthy eating and life style changes and week 7 of Dr. Jon -Kabat-Zinn’s stress reduction method. I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet but I am grouchy and complaining. I am not perfect but I have lost a few pounds and a bit off my midriff. I have fortitude.

Let life carry me forth. The sun is shining brightly. My Income Tax Return and filing are awaiting me. The delivery man have just come to the door with my seed order. Meanwhile, the petunias are crying for some attention. And of course, Sheba is waiting patiently for her walk.

Soon we will have green grass and flowers growing among my own Patience and Fortitude. They sit day in and day out, watching silently over me, giving me their patience and fortitude.

WRITING, PERSISTENCE AND THE GRIND OF EVERY DAY

Posted on March 14, 2015 by hafong

Another day begins, cloudy and overcast, but it is 4 degrees C. Be grateful, be happy and count your blessings. I am! I am and I will!

Spring is around the corner. The snow is melting. The slush and puddles are less and less. My amaryllis is showing its lush red promise. Sheba is over her anxiety funk. She can eat and piddle without someone standing guard. She sleeps in her usual limp and boneless mode. She is her bright-eyed, bushy-tailed self again. How wonderful it is! I can let go of my fears, too. There’s no boogeymen, witches, spells or hexes. We will go boldly forward. March!

Some days are harder than others but you just suck it up, get up, dress up and show up regardless. Some days are real grinds. You put one foot in front of the other and shuffle forward if that is all you can do. Sometimes I am surprised by how far I have travelled with my heavy footed shuffle. I’m reminded of my mother’s words again. Don’t put hard in your vocabulary. Be patient. A drop at a time may be slow and small but they will eventually fill a bucket.

My bucket is not full yet. But it has results – enough to spur me onward. On days when the drudgery is heavy on my shoulders, I look at those drops, those little igniters of hope. I take one step, then another. I put a letter, then a word onto my blank page. And so it goes.

When I least expect it, I feel a shift within me – fear leaving my body. I am relaxed and gliding through the waters. I am moving forward in life. And I go ahhh! So this is how it is. I am grateful and buoyed by the moment. I store the memory drop in my bucket for prosperity.

TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

Posted on March 12, 2015 by hafong

I read Sheba the riot act this morning. Enough! I told her firmly. Two days of her constant restlessness and attachment to me was taking its toll. Life could not go on as is. Time to put in some boundaries. She was developing some bad behaviour from our coddling because of her anxiety attacks.

She could not tell us what the problem was but she was always a bit of a scarity cat right from puppyhood. She would not leave the kitchen area. The only way for me to get her out the yard for a walk was to take her in the car and drive to the neighbourhood park. We got an igloo dog house for Christmas the first year. She was scared of it and I had to go in with her. That is, I had to lay down and stick my head in. What I wouldn’t do for Sheba. She outgrew all these, but now….

I am getting weary – and frustrated. Seems like every time she make some progress, she gets another episode. I have witnessed some of her attacks and there doesn’t seem to be any triggers. She would be playing, eating or not do anything particular when she would stop, yelp and come running to me, shaking. She has always settled down after it all passed and rest. Lately, she’s been restless and watchful all the time. We have to stay with her while she eats. And she needs company to go out to potty.

We had been at the vet not too long ago and I had mentioned her anxiety attacks. She passed her physical and bloodwork. I’m calling forth patience and calmness to get both of us through this. I wonder if HE is testing me. How serious am I with my meditation and yoga practice?

It’s a piece of cake to practice when things are hunky dory. It’s quite another when they aren’t. The aren’ts crowd and overtake my mind. I breathe and find my way back, reminding myself that it is precisely for these times that I am practicing for. I am still on track. God has a way of keeping his eyes on me.

This morning I would have abandoned my new way of eating. I would have say “Give me 2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast. I wanted to fill that hole created by stress and it would be a start towards that slippery slope. But we only had 2 eggs in the fridge – one for me and one for my Significant Other. Saved by what is!

Sheba and I are soldiering on. She is resting after a morning walk. The streets are better but still is treacherously slippery. I am happy that I haven’t fallen as some poor woman did, walking her dogs. I have done some research on dogs and anxiety and trying out some remedies. I will be patient and calm and breathe through it all.

RUNNING

Posted on March 11, 2015 by hafong

It’s Wednesday and I’m ready for Friday Fictioneers. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. This is my story of 100 words to the photo prompt. This story is for Sheba (my dog) and I. We are both trying to work through our fears, both seen and unseen. Together we will conquer.

She was so afraid. Perspiration blinded her as she ran. Her heart was thumping in her chest. It roared in her ears. Her breaths came in jagged rasps. She could see them in the frosty air. She wiped her hand across her eyes.

She was almost there. She quickened her pace. Dusk was coming. The sun was receding beyond the bridge. She must be on it before it gets dark.

Please, God! She pleaded. I won’t ask you for another thing.

She gathered her strength, pumped her arms and stretched her legs. She was flying. Her foot touched down. Safe!

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity