LETTING IT BE

Posted on March 10, 2015 by hafong

It’s March 10th. It’s 3 degrees Celcius above. Saskatoon is melting in the sunshine. All the snow turning into mush and grey water, running down the streets. I am lamenting about the curve balls that life is hurtling at us. Someone please turn off the damn machine! I can’t stand it anymore.

I love the lyrics to Macarthur’s Park as you can see. It helps hugely to lament my maladies to its tune. I don’t know exactly what they are. That’s the point – not knowing exactly. But nonetheless, they fester under our everyday lives. Yes, some days I feel I can never get life’s recipe right again. Oh noooo.

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh noooooo

I’m trying, but maybe the trick is just letting it be. Is that what is meant by acceptance? I try hard at that, too. I’m on my 6th week of meditation and yoga practice, trying to sit in the present, accepting what is. It is not easy to sit and take things as they are. I have been forever and a day striving for something else, somewhere else and someone else. I have been working against myself all these years. I am learning. It is time for me to relax, breathe, just be and let things evolve.

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK

Posted on March 4, 2015 by hafong

It’s only Wednesday and I’m ready for Friday Fictioneers! We gathered every week to share stories of 100 words. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Here’s my 100 words inspired by the photo prompt from Erin Leary.

PHOTO PROMPT – © Erin Leary

She knew exactly what she was going to do. She opened the fridge and set the ingredients on the counter – sirloin steak, bacon, pearl onions, sage and thyme. Last but not least, the precious white mushrooms. She will cook him the best sirloin beef burgundy of his life.

She had found them on her walk, their white heads poking through pine needles. She knew enough to keep Hunter away from them. That dog will eat anything.

A smile broke out on her face. Her eyes shone. Happy at last! She started slicing the white magic, whistling as she worked.

SO MUCH FEAR

Posted on March 2, 2015 by hafong

Yesterday I found Sheba with her hind quarters vibrating in the sun room. I thought we were done with all that. But apparently NOT. Nothing to do but hug her and give her a treat. She’s just had a checkup a couple of weeks ago and passed all the tests – heart, lungs and bloodwork. Her cholesterol was a bit high but then it wasn’t done on fasting blood. She’s a few pounds overweight, but who isn’t?

Happily this time it was was just a small episode. There was no running away, crying in fright. She settled and ate her supper without coaxing or me having to stand on guard by her. Progress in slow motion. Two steps forward and only one step back. We soldiered on – life in small increments.

Today she is her saucy self again, bouncing and strutting to her own rhythm. Maybe she, too, is feeling the flow and ebb of the Universe, fielding the blows and strutting in the glories. I take heart in her resilience, thinking I need to strut in her wake. There’s so much fear in the world but there’s that much more joy and glory. I have to believe and trust in my own strength.

Fine, powdery snow is blowing. The wind has picked up. The light is pale and cold but I’m remembering the brilliance of yesterday’s sun. I can still feel the healing power of its warmth as it smiled and embraced me. Ahh! I think it heard me just now. It’s smiling and trying to make a stronger showing. I am soothed and smoothed.

All of life is a circle. What goes around comes around. What goes up, must come down. That’s all I know. I don’t understand sometimes but I’m all right with that. In the words of Harry Chapin:

“All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
The moon rolls through the nighttime, till the daybreak comes around
All my life’s a circle but I can’t tell you why
The season’s spinnin’ round again the years keep rollin’ by

It seems like I’ve been here before, I can’t remember when
But I got this funny feelin’ that I’ll be back once again
There’s no straight lines make up my life and all my roads have bends
There’s no clear-cut beginnings and so far no dead-ends”

So I lift myself up, square my shoulders back, quell my fears and reach for the stars. I will not be drowned by fears.

BREATHING AND WRITING

Posted on February 26, 2015 by hafong

Life and writing are akin to me at times. I struggle to get a letter on the page and taking a deep breath is difficult at times. If I don’t try, the page remains blank, empty of the stories hidden within me. And if I don’t take that deep inhale, my breathing is shallow, my chest tight, holding all the doubts and fears within.

I take the big breath, inhaling up the side of the imaginery square in my head. Then comes the slow exhalation across the top, inhaling down the side of the square and exhaling across the bottom. I do this again, a little slower until I feel my self relaxing and expanding into the universe. I am saved again.

Sheba and I are trudging along to our own pace through the desert of our winter. There are so many ups and downs. There are many twists and turns. Life leaps and catches us unaware at the most inconvenient times. But then, when is it convenient? We have to buckle up, or is it buckle down – to grin and bear it. I can feel myself baring my teeth into a sneer. Best just to smile, nod and carry on.

We are both doing remarkably well considering. I have put both of us on a diet. It’s difficult to make this journey with heavy hips and thighs. A little less weight and a little more heart would be good. I have added some Omega-3 fatty acids to give us more courage. I hope it doesn’t make us burp and give us stinky breath. Wish us luck. We have a long way to go.

STORYTELLING IN THE DESERT

Posted on February 23, 2015 by hafong

There are many stories in the desert. Won’t you take a seat and have a listen?

I come from a culture rich in superstition and ancestory whorship. We honour and worship the deities and ancestors by laying out food and burning paper money on special occasions. Red is the colour of luck and prosperity. I learn most of this and all things Chinese from my mother. She is a great storyteller.

A few days ago Sheba and I stopped in for a visit with her on our walk. I shared Sheba’s anxiety attacks with her. I was wise enough not to tell her that Sheba probably absorbed them from me. She in turn told me of an episode when she was a little girl in China. She was sent out to fetch her brother for supper. It was dusk. She came across a crippled man. His appearance and the strange way he walked gave her a great fright. She ran home crying, I’m so scared! I’m so scared!

She fell quite ill with fright and could not recover. The family searched for remedies and learned that she has to get it from the man who made her ill. It was said that if she ate a certain kind of cookie the man had bit into, she would recover. My relatives went to the man but he would not cooperate. He did not understand that my mother was just a child and easily frightened. She was gravely ill. There was no disrespect. Still he was angry and not moved until he was admonished by his wife.

He followed my relatives back to their house. They gave him the cookie. He bit into it and then gave it to my mother. She ate it and was able to recover. My uncle, my mother’s older brother said she had great chi to have survived.

Her advice for Sheba is to give her something to wear to anchor her – to give her heart. So now Sheba is sporting a purple magnetic necklace I found in my jewellry box. She is less nervous but still on guard, looking over her shoulders while she eats. And someone has to stand by her while she is eating out of her bowl. It’s not like her at all. She loves to eat and needed no coaxing or guarding before. I hope she snaps out of it soon. If she could only talk! It would be a story.

THE CHILL OF OUR DESERT

Posted on February 22, 2015 by hafong

It’s a bit cold here in our desert but we are soothed by its stillness and quietness. Our hearts are gladdened by the brillance of the sun. It beckons Sheba and I out the door and down that yellow brick road. It is not always paved with gold nor lined with friendliness.

We try to take things in stride – brave the chill, the rudeness and mean shouts behind our backs. We try not to respond in kind. But I did hold up evidence that we are responsible dog and dog owner. We pick up after ourselves. So what is your problem that you bang on your window and send your kids out to scream at us?

No matter. My temperature did not rise. I did not come undone. And there was a friendly witness who gave us smiles and Sheba many pats on the head. Jesus came to rescue us in the desert. He helps those who help themselves.

I am buoyed by my new found calmness. The hard work has paid off. I am nearing four weeks of practicing being in my body, in the now, accepting things as they are. My uncertainties and fears have lessened. I tremble no more. I am recovering parts of myself lost along life’s highways and byways. I will be finished the course when I come out of the desert. How sweet it is – NOW.

ALL THAT I DO

Posted on February 21, 2015 by hafong

The road to well-being and happiness is not an easy one. This is not a rant. It is what I am learning over and over again. Damn! There is no getting there. When you get there, you find that there is no there. It is a continuous journey through hills, valleys, deserts and oases. The terrain is terrifying, glorious and unpredictable. Beware if you tend to use the cruise control.

I’m venturing into the desert again for forty days and nights. This time I’m taking Sheba with me. Together we will explore the barren and arid landscape like Dorothy and Toto. We will find our own yellow brick road through our Land of Oz. Whether or not we will find the Emerald City is not important for us. We want to develope our intelligence, heart and courage. We want to come out the other side healed and unshakeable.

We are on our way. I know there will be many challenges ahead of us. But that is the pull, isn’t it? There is room and time if you want to join us.

DRAGONS AND DEMONS

Posted on February 18, 2015 by hafong

Have I been complaining a lot lately? I probably have but it’s been a hard year. When hasn’t it been? This little sabbatical of silence has been good for me. But now I’m having a little difficulty finding my words again. There is a price for everything.

A new year is beginning. The Year of the Goat starts tomorrow. Let me start by clearing out old hurts and wounds. Let me sweep out what no longer serves me today. No sweeping on New Year’s Day. You don’t want to sweep out the good along with the debris. I am very superstitious. I come by it naturally. I am Chinese. I believe in ghosts. I dream of ghosts. I see ghosts.

Did I tell you the demon found me again? He was knocking at my door. I heard the key turned. Click! I went oh-oh. Time to be viligant. I was grateful for the warning. I had time to prepare, arm myself and erect my fortress. Still, it was a tough time. But I have survived to tell about it. I am stronger and wiser for it.

I believe there are inexplicable (to us humans) forces out there. Some of them are beneign and some are not. Perhaps some of it is generated and sent out by people like you and me, unbeknown to ourselves. All I know is I am ‘sensitive’ to their presence. I have to trust myself in that knowledge and not label myself as a little eccentric and crazy.

The demon is gone. I can let go of the vigilance a little and be myself again. I have lost a few words but not chunks of my life. I have weathered the storm well with Sheba’s help. She has taken a few hits for me. Yesterday, she ran screaming from ‘it’ in fright, legs trembling so hard that all of her shook. All I could do was hold and stroke her till she quieted down. I hope that it is over for both of us. I need to make sure I have pulled our drawbridge up and our dragon is on alert.

We deserve a break and to rest in the sun again.

THE YEAR OF THE GOAT

Posted on February 8, 2015 by hafong

Chinese New Year is coming on February 19th. It’s the year of the goat. I’m thinking of my roots, where I come from. I have travelled away far and a long time from my homeland. It resides still in my heart.

I’m remembering our house in the village. It was built with money my grandfather sent from Gold Mountain. It was two storied with a cupula on top. I loved climbing up the stairs and emerging from it to play on the roof. It was where I saw my ghosts. My mother told me they were our ancestors and no need to be afraid.

I have memories of chasing chickens around the courtyard. Our house was big, being a Gold Mountain house. We lived in one half and my grandfather’s brother’s family lived in the other half. We were a household of women and children. The men were over- seas working and sending money home. The only adult man is the household was my grandfather’s brother. That’s how it was. We sustained and supported each other.

Down the lane was another Gold Mountain house. My grandfather’s other two brothers’ families lived there. Just like us, they were a household of women and children. We were all overseered by my grandfather’s one brother. But in reality, it was the women who took care of him.

Close to Chinese New Year, memories of New Year’s Eve come to me. I am snug in my bed of wooden planks and a wooden block for a pillow. I don’t recall the hardness or the discomfort of such a bed. But being in winter, it was probably lined with a quilt. In my mind’s eye, I see the flames as the women tended the fire through the night to cook the pastries for the celebration. I feel such contentment and security. That memory is such a blessing to have. It nourishes me through all of life.

So here’s an early toast to the year of the goat. Gong Hee Fat Choy!

POSSIBILITIES

Posted on February 7, 2015 by hafong

I love the word possibilities. It’s the hope that opens my heart’s door to let in laughter, love and forgiveness. It holds a promise that a leaf is forthcoming and a bud will bloom. Possibilities push back discouragement, frustration and a downtrodden spirit. They teach me patience – to hang in there. Rome was not built in a day. The road to Anywhere is not an easy one.

Presto! happens only in magic, an optical illusion like time-lapsed photography. We cannot make results happen like that. The presto and voila come much slower. Life doesn’t happen just pushing ENTER or DELETE. Dang, hey? Anything worthwhile takes effort and time. It’s the daily grind. It always take longer than you figure and like. But what is the hurry? Is your life full of emergencies you have to tend to?

Be patient, my dear. Stay calm and enjoy the moments as they come. Everything has its time. The leaves will emerge, the bud will burst into magnificent blooms. You will be awed by the richness and beauty of what life can offer. Take time to live each day to the fullest and believe in possibilities. Be grateful to the Universe.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity