GRRRRR

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At this very moment I’m not handling stress very well. But I am here. I’ll try to tap it away. I probably shouldn’t have had my tea. It’s not coffee but it’s still caffeine. When I’m like this, it is difficult to sit and be still. I’ve gotten up and played with my new toy, the Dyson V8 Absolute Stick Vacuum. At least my floor is clean. No dog hair everywhere.

I hate this feeling of aggitation. I’m doing the best I can, trying not to jump out of my skin. I’m staying in the chair, feeling the sensation. I’m focusing on the keyboard, tapping out each letter. Sheba has finally settled down on her cushion. She was also aggitated, twirling around me wherever I went. She was probably feeding off my energy and wanting to go for her walk.

We could probably both use a walk but if we leave, SHE would probably call. That’s the thing. I might as well sit and wait till the guy gets home in half an hour or so. The SHE is the insurance adjuster. I’ve been dealing with my parents’ insurance since end of June, July. You have to make so many phone calls, just to make sure they got the phone call. If they don’t return calls, how do you know anything? Then they say they will email you. But you have to email them after 2 months before you get anything. They want you to have a pleasant experience with them. They give you the steps. Then you get automated emails saying they are not in the office and they will answer emails in the order they came – again and again. GRRRR?

I think I’ve tapped out most of my aggravation. I’m feeling my bodily sensations. I have an ache behind my eyes. My jaw is not clenched nor my shoulders bunched up. I’m sitting erect. My feet are crossed though. I’ve found assistance through the insurance broker. He phoned her. She was not taking calls. He did assure me I have 2 years to work on this thing. And they’re there if I need more help. Whew! Maybe that’s why I’m not clenching anything. What I need is time to settle down and chill.

How do you handle stress? And how do you chill?

 

BEING IN THE WORLD

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What can I say today? That I’m working to be in the world instead of in my head. It’s easy to be lost to thoughts, feelings, the Internet and so many other places. I’m trying to vacate those places and be in the here and now. But of course, it is not easy. The first thing I read this morning was accounts of the Canadians killed in the Vegas shooting. Tears ran down my face. What a way to start a day. Failed before I began.

I made a turn around PDQ though. Having talked about self compassion yesterday, I gave myself some. Instead of scolding myself, I made porridge. Then added some walnuts and dried cranberries. Comfort and brain food. I thought a boiled egg would be so nice. And it was. Having nourished myself, I headed off to my aerobic exercise class. It’s good for the brain and heart.

Thus, I moved through my day. I was in the world, in that moment and then the next moment and so forth. I smiled and greeted people. They smiled and greeted back. I observed myself as another. The day is almost over. I’m sitting here tapping out my last few words. Being in the moment, from moment to moment works. The chattering in my head ceased. I’m not choked by emotions. I’m feeling mellow and content. Sheba is, too, laying beside me. We are breathing as one. In 1, 2, 3. Out 1, 2,3. In 1, 2, 3, 4. Out 1, 2, 3, 4. It’s a very relaxing rhythm.

 

 

IT’S NOT MY FAULT

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I don’t know where I am going or how to get there. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve gone to hell in a handbasket. So where is God? Life is hard and I’m suffering. Why isn’t he here when I most need him. I haven’t asked very often. And please don’t lecture me about him carrying me when there’s only one set of footprints. Okay, I’m going to calm down and be a little more positive. I’ve shown up, haven’t I? I’m sitting here doing my tap dance.

I’m doing the best I can, trying to find the words, the solutions. Breathing in and out, getting into the relaxation mode. Yesterday I found my way back to the Mindfulness Summit and the episode on the importance of self compassion with Paul Gilbert. It’s a very worthwhile episode for someone like myself. I tend to ruminate a lot and beat myself up regularly. What I learned is that we are all built like that. It’s our nature given to us. It’s not our choosing. It’s the brain we were given. It’s NOT our fault.

I love that it’s not my fault, the way I am. It’s my tricky brain. So what can I do about it? Professor Gilbert is a good teacher, offering explanations and solutions. Sometimes I feel like screaming and jumping out of my skin. It’s most helpful in those times to remember that there’s ways to use the mind to calm the body (meditation) and ways to use the body to calm the mind (exercise). So thank you, Professor Gilbert. May I feel safe and loved. May I be happy.

I’M A BIG GIRL NOW

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October 2, 2017. Cloudy, rainy and windy, the stuff of ugly autumn days. I should not put labels on the day. It is a day. The weather has changed. The ugliness is my automatic reaction to change. I struggle with it. It throws a monkey wrench into my well grooved rut. It means I have to work harder to get my brain around the change/problem. I can feel my cortisol rising, my brain fogging up. Sometimes I want to cry and have a tantrum. I know it won’t help. Nobody can/will help. It’s my problem. Everybody has their own shit. Better buckle up and suck it up, Buttercup. You are a big girl now.

I’m tapping it up, or out. I’m taking a breath in and out, calming and clearing my head. I’ve reviewed the process of problem solving. What is the problem? What is it that I want to achieve? What is it that I need to do first, next, and then. I take my own advice and do the steps. There, done! Now I wait for the resolution.

What I know for sure is that I lack patience and concentration. My mind is fractured in a million directions. It probably is contributing to my sleeping problems in the last while. I need to stay more focused and not be so distracted and distraught – wasting energy, treading water. I am going to work on staying in the present moment using Caroline Myss’ advice. I will chart my progress here.

Five Rules for Staying in Present Time

  1. Choose something in your life that you want to change, but make it a reasonable choice. Choose something that will require daily attention, such as exercising every day or changing your nutritional program. Whatever the choice, just make sure it’s something you really can accomplish each day without having to turn your world upside down. Pay attention to every obstacle or distraction that surfaces to prevent you from accomplishing your goal. Write down the obstacles along with your impressions about why you are sabotaging your practice to keep your awareness in present time.
  2. Two times a day, create an image and see how long you can hold that image without any distraction from your external environment. Once again, make note of what distracts you—emotional concerns, noises, bodily discomfort, traveling into your past. Every form of distraction holds a literal and symbolic meaning. It’s worth the extra step to consider the meaning of your distractions.
  3. Pay attention to your excuses and how often you use the past to excuse something you are doing or do not want to do in the present moment, particularly if you use illness or lack of energy.
  4. Make note of what energizes you in the present moment. What makes you feel good? And then pay attention as to whether you think, say, or do something that sabotages your joys, particularly if what you think or do is based on the past.
  5. Develop a mantra—a special short positive thought—that brings your attention back to present time.

THE LAST GASP

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Sunday, October 1, 2017. A new month, a new day. It is cloudy and cool. Summer had its last gasp yesterday. It’s afternoon. I’m finally sitting down with my tea here to tap out my words. I had no time to feel bad or sad today. I was busy bringing in the harvest. Then there’s lunch to make and clean up afterward. The dishwasher is whirling away. The pepper leaves are blanched and draining – waiting to be bagged and thrown in the freezer. They will be good for soups. The green onions will have to sit  till I’m ready to deal with them.

Sleepiness is creeping over me. I had a good sleep last night. I had my hot chocolate with cinnamon, ceyenne and nutmug before bedtime. I see that almonds and cardamon can help as well. AND I kept my iPhone out of the bedroom. Returning to bed after getting up to the bathroom, I kept my mind clear of not sleeping. So last night, my strategies worked. Now to keep it up. I have to take heart from each small success I achieve.

Sometimes it feels like I’m just treading water, not getting anywhere. That’s when feelings are talking to me, not reality. And that’s the time to remember my mantra: get up, dress up and show up for the things that I have to do. It’s the breathing in and out, getting out of bed, brushing the teeth and all the other things with good physical and mental hygiene. I have to do that till my last gasp. Working towards excellence.

 

 

 

 

 

10,000 HOURS

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Another most beautiful Autumn morning. Yet, I feel the discomfiture of the season, or is it just me? I am a bit obsessed with sleep or rather the inability to sleep. It’s a bit of a vicious circle of chasing one’s tail. I’m trying to ‘chill’. That in itself is a bit of a tail chaser, if you know what I mean. I’ve decided my best course of action is to do what I do on a normal day – before all this tail chasing.

I’m not completely sleepless. I have been falling asleep. The trouble now lies in when nature calls. I wake up and tend to business. Coming back to bed I start to worry about getting back to sleep again. Sometimes I can still my thoughts of worrying and fall back to sleep. Last night I couldn’t. But I still got 5 hours. Good enough.  That’s what I lived on mostly through 30 plus years of shift work. Tonight I will have my hot chocolate with nutmeg.

It was breakfast at 5 am with a bit of reading. Sheba came and nudged me for hers at 6. Soon enough it was time to head to the pool for my Saturday morning swim. In the pool, I’m reminded of how much progress I’ve made. I’m slicing through the water with my back crawl. So what it’s taken this many years? Malcolm Gladwell said that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert at a skill. I’ve spent only a fraction of that. I have time and room to improve.

Practice does make for better. I’ve spent the past year striving consciously to do something different every day to change – to see and feel differently, in a better way. It seems such a struggle and it never ceases. I guess it will one day but until then I drawn to struggle for the excellence of living. I wonder how many hours there are in a lifetime. How many areas of expertise can I achieve?

TABATA – STAYING ALIVE

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It’s a glorious autumn day. Colours of gold and orange, bright sun and a warm breeze. Lunch over. Dishes done. I’m sitting here with my tea and tap, tapping on the keyboard. I’m feeling pretty mellow and content. No crazy erratic thoughts or energy running through my head or body. There is peace in the moment. I have this morning’s tabata class to thank.

 

Exercise is my big magic. I show up. Some days I rather not but I do. It gets me out of the house. It gets my feet moving and my heart pumping. Soon I’m singing and dancing like John Travolta – Yea, yea, staying alive, Staying alive! I pump my arms and wiggle my hips. Then I start enjoying it.

When things are tough, I have to work at everything. That’s just how it is. I don’t have to like it but there are things that I still have to do. I cannot put my head under the blanket until things pass. What I have learned is that things do pass but more things come to fill the space. You are never free of ‘things’. The only freedom lies in changing your thinking and feelings. I guess that’s what’s called ‘acceptance’. Hooray, I think I’ve finally got it! Well – until the next time. But in the meantime, Let’s strut a little.

THE 11 COMMANDMENTS

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It’s an early morning here with my tea. I’m in a bit of a worry lately over sleep. Anticipation has its reward, meaning I slept in fits and starts. Thankfully I did sleep. I try not to fret too much over that and over fretting. What funny creatures we humans are. As I have said, here I am tap, tapping myself to less worry and fret. I have at least learned to get up, dress up and show up as best as I can.

I was going to give up watching the news last night but I forgot. Maybe that’s a reason for my fitful sleep though I was not as distressed as the other evening. Wendy Mesley did an interview with the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei on his political activism. He is in Canada to receive the 2017 Adrienne Clarkson Prize for Global Citizenship, a prize founded by the former governor general to recognize an individual who “has encouraged thought and dialogue, approaches and strategies that strive to remove barriers, change attitudes, and reinforce the principles of tolerance and respect.” I was happy to have seen this interview. It dispelled some of my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. He is a man who is not afraid to stand up for his beliefs. He voiced the question: Who are we if we don’t feel the plight of the refugees?

This morning I came across an article about Henry Miller’s 11 commandments on writing and daily creative routine. Pretty sound advice for living as well. I shall pay heed.

    1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
    2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to ‘Black Spring.’
    3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
    4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
    5. When you can’t create you can work.
    6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
    7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
    8. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
    9. Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
    10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
    11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.      

In review, I think I’ve already adopted some of the commandments unknowingly. I’m feeling more optimistic knowing that I’m in good company.

KILLING ME SOFTLY

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An autumny sunny/cloudy day. I’m mostly in the clouds, feeling the pains of life. The words of Killing Me Softly play in my head. The world is a harsh place and humans can be a cruel species. I have to turn off the news. The Rohingya refugees crisis is cutting me to the quick. That a tweeting Donald Trump can be the President of the most powerful country in the world is overwhelmingly depressing. Why is it that I care anyways?

I guess the answer lies in that we are all connected. What is in one is in the whole. Throw a pebble in the water and the ripples will reach the other side of the universe. It’s like a contagion, a disease infecting all. I feel the anger of helplessness and hopelessness watching all this unfold on the national news. Would it stem the tide if I don’t watch? No, so I might as well suck it up and do whatever I can to contribute to the good of me, you and us.

It’s not much but I can sit here and tap out a few words, clear my thoughts, settle in the quiet, find peace and solace. I tap to stay alive, to find hope, ideas. I come here not to give in to the despair of not being able to scale the Wall. I don’t have to get to the other side. I can just be here in the now.

CHUCKING IT

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Today I’m not so lucky. Not too much sunshine but it did say hello briefly. I guess I will have to be my own sunshine. That way, nobody can take it away from me. I will have to get that cup of tea first. It just doesn’t feel right without it. My keyboard and my cup of tea are my best buddies in the morning. I tap. I sip. And vice versa. The world feels better in between them.

I’m not one for giving up – on anything. I’m like Sheba with a bone. I hang on for dear life – trying to make everything work. Trying to salvage every little bitty thing till my fingernails are bloody. I saw that in myself last night trying to pry my grape rolls off the dehyrator trays. It looked so promising in the beginning – making fruit rolls from our grapes. What a disaster! I forgot to oil the trays before I pour the grape pulp onto them. They did not lift off easily. They hung on as tightly as I am to my ways. Who was I to blame them?

Why are first times always such disasters? Even assembling the new pasta machine last year was an ordeal. And we never did get the pasta to turn out after botching it three times. Sheba had a lot of doggy biscuits from that. So nothing lost or wasted. That’s me again – salvaging. It’s really a good thing. I have to stop feeling like it’s a fault.

But I did give up on the last two trays of my grape mess. It was getting late. I was getting tired – and a wee bit angry. Time to chuck it. Into the sink of hot water they went. The good thing is that they do soften up overnight and wash off easily after. There were a few things I did wrong besides not oiling the trays. First times I should start small with 4 trays. That’s the minimum for operating the dehydrator. The dehydrator was not on a level surface. The thickness of the pulp was not even.

I did do some things right. I cleaned as I went along. So no big messes at the end even though it felt like that. This will be the end of the fruit rolls. I will maybe make a syrup with the small leftover of the pulp for yogurt. The rest of the grapes will go into the compost. I’m learning to chuck some stuff that doesn’t work for me. I’m not wasting, still salvaging into compost for more grapes next year.