Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

Pausing

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They say a change is as good as a rest. Pausing is certainly a change for me. Not knowing, undecided as to what to do, I did the big pause yesterday. I gave up fussing, thinking and plopped myself in the recliner, covered myelf with my little blanket and gave myself up to nothingness. It felt strange and uncomfortable at first. I had to resist from getting up and start doing. Then slowly I began to feel ease and warmth seeping in. It was wonderful. I luxuriated in the moment.

I had frequent pauses in the past. I reveled in idleness, sipping my tea and listening to CBC in the mornings. I felt no rush, urgencies or emergencies. I was a happy sloth even though I did wished for more vim and rigor. Now that I got my wish and became an Eveready Bunny, I don’t quite like it. It’s not who I am. Once energized and wound up, I couldn’t stop. I went on and on, one thing after another. I didn’t feel any better, more efficient or more accomplished. What I felt more of was tiredness, of being distracted, forgetful and short tempered.

Yesterday was a pause, a gift. I can see and feel more clearly now.

A Privilege

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It’s another day in August. Not too many more days left now. It’s starting to feel like autumn. Not that we’ve had much of a summer. I’m not complaining but learning to appreciate what we have. I’ve been listening to my favourite muse, Caroline Myss, again. She has said many times that it is a privilege to be living in these times. So as hard and painful life has been, I am grateful to be alive and awake to what we have today. I shall take this gift to explore and learn.

“This is an era of dynamic change, as well as chaos—but truly, it is a privilege to be alive at a time when we are discovering so much about the power of our own nature.“

Though I try not to scroll in the morning, it is hard to escape the headlines. This morning it was the news of a crematorium with 381 bodies thrown indiscriminately on the floor without being cremated. A horrible story, not good for the soul but one that needed to be told. We need to know that light and darkness exist in this world we live in. I am an adult. I am strong. I must not turn away and hide my head in the sand. Evil and goodness do exist.

My list of Hard to Dos

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Life is hard. It doesn’t seem fair that it is so. There’s nothing I can do to change all that. The only thing I can change is myself and my attitudes. It is easy to make resolutions but not so to fulfill them. It is hard to get out of the ruts and harder still to stay out. I gravitate towards easy and the couch with a snack. But at least I’ve found my way to the keyboard. It’s a beginning of a journey towards doing the hard stuff.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m buried under an avalanche of hard to do stuff. When I think about it, I don’t understand why they are so hard. Why is the garbage hard to take out? Why is picking up something off the floor hard to do? All that is required is movement but I am often frozen, immobilized, my synapses not snapping and my limbs not moving. That is the why I come to the keyboard. I’m tapping for guidance. I’m tapping for motivation. I’m tapping for energy.

Kitchen and bathroom floors are more of the hard to do stuff. I’ve washed both this morning. Once I got started it didn’t feel so difficult and I wonder why I felt that it was so hard. By now I know not to vow to do them more often. I’ve vowed often enough and it has never happened. I have accepted some things will always feel distasteful and hard to do. That’s just how it is.

It is the end of the day. I’m sipping my decaf, waiting for supper, trying to bring this post to an end. My days are always busy. I am never bored. There’s always things to do – the garden and greenhouse to water, tomatoes to pick, cucumbers to harvest, seedlings to transplant. I’m hoping for a second crop of kohlrabi. These things are not hard to do. They come naturally without thought. But I am tired. My body and head need a rest.

Resolves, faults and truths

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Resolves are so easy to make but carrying them out is not so easy to do. Being human I will most likely continue to make resolves and procrastinate. It is unfortunate that some things are not as natural as breathing. It is difficult to start anything. It is easy to see others’ faults but we are blind to our own. When others try to point it out to us, we evade and make excuses. We hate to face our truths. I’m more awake now and seeing that in myself . I am resolving to do my best in changing my ways.

It helps to come to my keyboard and cement my thoughts and feelings in words. They are not so easily swept under clouds of forgetfulness. It is hard for me to show up these days without a challenge like the Ultimate Blog Challenge, the100dayproject and the dyicad. I have been feeling rudderless without words to tap and pictures to draw and paint. It is good that I still have Susannah Conway’s August Break photo challenge to start/end each day in August.

So I resolve to come to the keyboard each day even if it is a short stint. I will try to make a small art every day. I resolve not to dwell on mine or others’ faults. I will not push for others to face their truths. I will accept our human frailities. Excuses protect our fragility. Somethimes we need that. Sometimes we can’t face being broken open. And what good is being broken?

Lost

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It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. 18 days feels like a long time. I’m at a loss for words. Each day I had intentions of finding my way back to the keyboard. I’m finding that intentions means beans as each day ends without results. Today without setting any goals and intentions, I’ve finally found myself back to this place. Though it did not get very good reviews on Goodreads, reading a few pages of Julia Cameron’s The Listening Path this morning helped guide me back.Whatever works is good.

It’s ten months since my mother has passed. Ten months feels short and long at the same time. Time is a funny thing. So is life and death. I’m at a loss of many things besides words. How am I to express myself? How am I to find myself back to normal? What a cunundrum. So I am writing for guidance. I am reading Julia Cameron to quiet my brain and to learn to listen. I’ve just discovered that my head is a busy, noisy place. It is full of chaos. I have no order of thoughts. I must quiet myself and sort out the mess. I must find the way back to morning and afternoon meditations, even if it is only 5 minutes.

The Ultimate Blog Challenge Finale

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For this last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I have clear skies, sunshine and clean air. I have to love that. I’m bringing myself to the keyboard early to bring a closing post to the month/challenge. Intentions and goal setting do not get the job done. They help but I need to physically set my butt down in front of the keyboard and make my fingers work for the words and sentences. As I’ve said many times, I write for the love of it. Sometimes the love is not there. Then I have to do the hard work. Ironically when I am not loving but sweating it, the results are most satisfying.

In the past, I had the the do or die mentally. I MUST write a post every day for the challenge. I would stay up late. After being revved up, I would find it hard to fall asleep. I don’t do that anymore. Now I weigh my priorities. No more do or die. I give myself breaks. Writing and this challenge are still very important to me. They still give me much pleasure and a routine. I am engaging with others in the challenge. I am engaging with myself. Both writing and engaging helps my brain heallth. They help keep me in and with the world.

I hope I haven’t sounded too maudlin and depressing. I am a serious and melancholic person by nature. I do sigh alot. Sighing does make me feel better physically. I think it’s because I draw in more air/oxygen. I do try to write in a hopeful voice because I am a hopeful positive person. I am always in pursuit of being better, finding solutions. I put it all on the page. It’s my way of working things out. I’m a self-help junkie.

Many thanks for Paul Taubman for hosting and guiding us on this event. Thanks to all the participants and readers. You all add to the pleasure. You are much appreciated.

Prickly

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I’m feeling a bit prickly like the cactus I drew and painted this morning for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I’ve been busy as a beaver with the weeds in the garden, harvesting, blanching and freezing peas and more peas. There’s lots more coming. So I am tired. Then I get another airduct cleaning scam phone calls. I get them almost daily, more than once daily. The thing to do is to hang up but sometimes I get angry. Today I got angry. I hate myself when I try to get to the bottom of something. There are no bottoms and I get madder.

One of the reasons I write often is to soothe my ruffled feathers. The rhythmic tapping on the keyboard is almost like a pacemaker,putting my nervous system back on track. I hate it when I’m out of kelter. I lose and waste so much energy to these kinds of episodes. When I am aware of what is happening, I try to channel the energy into something useful. Often the easiest thing to do is washing the dishes. Writing a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge is another way. It is not as easy or quick. I have to sit myself down before the keyboard, quiet my mind and find words and ideas. On busy days it is very hard. It is the most satisfying when I can push through all the road blocks and make it happen.

There’s 2 more days left in the UBC and the Daisy Yellow Index Card Challenge. I have to admit I am not feeling very excited or motivated at the moment. These moments are very challenging. I know I can somehow push through. There needs a beginning, a middle and an ending. It’s a long and tedious journey. It’s ok to sag in the middle but I need to cross the finish line. I’m giving it all my effort.

On With the Show

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Saturday reminds me of childhood days when we watch the Bugs Bunny Show. It’s theme song On with the show, this is it got me on my way this morning. It’s a lively and very catchy tune. It put a bounce into my step as I bounce my way out the door. It’s another beautiful sunny day. Time is marching along. No time to be maudlin. There’s work to be done – gardens to be weeded, books to be read, tea to be sipped, art to be painted and blog post to be written. I wonder if I could get it all in.

The first stop was at the community garden. Being community, I took time to chat and visit with a few other gardeners there. Sometimes the opportunity isn’t there. When there is, I try to make the best of it. I spent a little more time than I intended but it was worth it. I still got home in good time. So many tasks was calling out. I quieted their voices. I need to take time to sit, rest and enjoy the beautiful morning before me. I got out a lawn chair, made myself a cup of tea and sat behind the herb spiral. Everything was at their best. The grass swaying gently in the morning breeze. The bees flying to and fro between the clover and borage. It was a peaceful and magical moment.

The moment passed, the tea sipped and the magic went. It was time to work again. I got the water hose, hooked it to the rain catchment behind the garage and started filling the pails for the greenhouse. It was not all work. I had a bit of entertainment. The guy had painted the story of Puff, the magic dragon on 2 board panels to camouflage the rain catchment. It had a practical use and it also provided magic and a show for the kids at the daycare nearby.

Now it is getting quite late for this 26 day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I must close shop and say good enough.

Just Pretend

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I feel so bland these days. I don’t think I could get excited even if you lit a fire in my pants. I wonder where it all went. I didn’t really try too hard to figure it out. I had no energy to spare. Instead, intellectually I know the best thing to do is move as if I am interested and engaged. In other words, just pretend. It works for Nat King Cole. It might work for me, too. If it doesn’t, at least I know I have tried.

Pretending I’m full of vim and vigor, I hustled out to the front yard early this morning with my pitch fork, garden gloves and a pail. I was going to tackle those darn creeping bellflowers while it was still cool and shady. The soil is still moist from the previous days of rain. It should be easy digging. It was. I didn’t get all the bellflowers but I did get a bunch. I transplanted a few amaranth into the bare spots. I hope they will take, flourish, flower and scatter their seeds in the fall for next spring. Right now they’re looking drooping

I didn’t stop there. I knew if I stop, I would not move again. I gave the shaggy grass a clip and swept up the clippings. Next, I put away my tools. If I didn’t, they would be hanging out for awhile. It’s best to pick up after myself as I go along. Surprisingly, I find the process soothing.

Being an early bee, I can get a few things done in the morning. Next on the list was blanching and freezing the shelled peas. It is not a hard job but the clean up is because by then I am tired. I pushed through that, cleaned up and put away. A job well done if I have to say it myself. Now it is the end of day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Looking in All the Wrong/Right Places

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Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.

I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.

I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.