About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

SO I AM EATING AGAIN

Posted on October 13, 2012 by hafong

I am eating again, consuming, filling a void, filling in time, keeping awake. It is marvelous how good it feels. The night is endless.

I’ve often wondered how healthy our profession is for us….nurses, the caretakers of bodies and souls. How conscious are we? We care for our patients, but do we care for ourselves? Do we eat properly, get enough sleep and exercise? Are we kind to each other and our love ones? Do we have a life and friends outside of work?

Sometimes I am afraid to think about these things and answer truthfully. I just live with this uneasiness that things are not quite right and somehow the world has left me behind. Sometimes I am lonely for those days before I entered the world of hospital corridors, bedpan alleys, and twelve hour shifts. It is disturbing that I feel relief and a sense of homecoming when I enter the underground parkade of RUH. It is scary. I am like a rat in a maze!

So these are my ramblings this morning after a twelve hour night shift. I probably sound crazed and senseless. It is good that I am in my sun room. I am surrounded by windows. I can look out and see the wintry sun peeking through the evergreen trees. Are those snow flurries, or is it just my tired eyes? I’m feeling a bit hungry so I’m going to eat….again.

HAVE YOU EVER

Posted on October 12, 2012 by hafong

It’s funny how sometimes songs run in your mind. This morning I’m hearing Patsy Cline’s Have You Ever Been Lonely. It’s not that I’m feeling lonely. It’s more like I’m feeling antsy, restless and a little ‘distraught’ – not that I have anything specific to be distraught about. I like to attribute my moods to the weather, to the Gods, to whatever….Anyways, listening to Patsy Cline takes the edge off things.

So, have you ever felt edgy, itchy, restless, and wanting to pull your hair out by the roots? I must admit that I am a frequent flyer, the queen of restlessness and dissatisfaction. After all these years, I am trying to accept this part of me and try not to cause too much angst for those in my nearby vicinity. I try to be polite and diplomatic if I can. Could you please go away and leave me be? No, you are not helping. It is not your fault, OK? Have you ever been there?

My hair is still looking like I’ve been pulling it by the roots. But I’ve done a load of laundry and a load of dishes. I’ve found my Iphone charger. Now to unwrinkle my brow, relax my neck and shoulders. Have you ever felt like this?

SURPRISED BY JOY

Posted on October 8, 2012 by hafong

I have always loved C. S. Lewis’ book, Surprised By Joy ever since I came across it some 40 years plus ago. It was part of my English 110 class and I have yet to read it. I have it still. I love the title and I am sure it is about joy. What better time to talk about joy than at Thanksgiving?

I believe that joy is that zest that we all have. It is that quest to learn, to seek the new. It is that something that we were all born with. It is how we learn to talk, to walk, to do all kinds of wondrous things. Joy is what Sheba has and is, even in her sleep. She is always full of joyous, endless energy, happy to see people, wagging her tail in greeting. She is a constant reminder of how we should greet life.

It is something that we all can have, no matter who we are or what circumstances we are in. Joyous is something we can choose to be. Sometimes it is not easy. Sometimes it is damn hard. At those times, I have to take a run at it. I focus, breathe, and take a running leap at it. I remember those field days in school. Not being a natural athlete, I try to put in extra effort, bow my head, breathe in and out, run like hell and leap into the sandpit. I don’t think I won any ribbons but….I participated.

Today is one of those cloudy days that doesn’t do too much for my spirit. Today is one of those days that I have to take a running leap towards joy. But just now the sun is peeking out, my bread is poofing in the oven and I’m thinking I might aim my camera out the front door to capture some autumn colours. I might even rake some leaves. A girl has to do what she has to do. And I might be surprised by joy.

STUMBLING SLOWLY TOWARDS BLISS

Posted on October 5, 2012 by hafong

Another night is conquered and I am sitting here in the warmth and brightness of my sun room. So glad that it is over. I thought that it would never end, but somehow it did. So just let me count my blessings and appreciate my life.

You could say that I work in an unreal world. I see the best of people. I see the worst of people. It can be a very good time or it can be a very bad time. It can be full of adrenaline pumping excitement or it can be a tedious grind. Such is my life as a nurse. Some days /nights are wonderful. Everyone works in sync with each other. We are like a fine orchestra, each with our parts to be played…different but equally important parts.

Of course, there are times when everyone is out of tune. There is no harmony, no melody to be played. There are just fractured segments. Everyone pays. Those are the times I like to forget. But those can be valuable times of learning. We can learn to rewrite our parts so that we can all hum along. I fret over those times too much sometimes. How can I change? What can I do?

For all we talk about getting to know ourselves and each other and living the authentic life, it is a bit difficult. It is a lot difficult. Best to just focus on the moment and do the best I can. So I am feeling rushed for time. I am breathless looking at the shift before me. The call bells are ringing. I have to do this. I have to do that. Oh, my God, how can I possibly?!!

I paused and took a breath. I deleted the pictures in my head. I put one foot in front of the other, answered one call bell at a time, emptied one bedpan at a time, checked this, checked that, consulted and cooperated with my teammate….I did the best I could. Sometimes my best came with a touch of grouchiness, but I still made some of my patients laugh. They still thanked me. They are generous. The night passed.

And I AM here. The words are falling from my fingertips. I am feeling at ease with myself and the universe. And the sun is streaming through the window. Soon I will go to bed. I am happy.

BROKEN YOLKS

Posted on October 1, 2012 by hafong

I suppose by now everyone knows that life is hard. Nothing is easy. Nothing is free. Nothing is perfect. You can’t even count on perfect fried eggs every morning. Sometimes a yolk will break. It happens. Life happens. That’s the way it is.
And we really should appreciate what is, because that’s all we have. Right at this moment, I get it. I’m feeling the moment, the flow of it. I’m savoring the sweetness of the now. I know that this moment will evaporate soon enough and I will once again be restless with dissatisfaction and distress. That is also how it is sometimes. It is all right. That is how I can change.

Change is really difficult….even in the direction of my daily walk with Sheba. I always turn right at the end of our back alley. When I make a conscious effort to go left, I feel the resistance in my body. I feel discomfort. I feel torture. I feel PAIN! Weird, huh? I am such a creature of habit.

Today, I tidied up one shelf in the closet. I found three pairs of pants bought some years ago. Bought but never shortened nor worn. One still had tags on it. I’ve almost shortened two. I will have a nice pair to wear to see David Suzuki tomorrow night. Change can happen. I have changed…a little at a time.

REMEMBERING SUMMER

Posted on September 30, 2012 by hafong

I wished for rain yesterday and it did during the night. But I couldn’t have wished for a better summer. We sailed, camped, cycled, gardened, baked, watched sunsets…We worked and we played.

IN THOSE IN BETWEEN MOMENTS

Posted on September 28, 2012 by hafong

I’m here again, in these shadowy, in-between moments, when I’m feeling my smallness, when things don’t feel great, when things don’t feel wrong either. You must know what I mean….these blah moments. These are the moments when our rituals and routines come to our aid. We know what we have to do.

So, I didn’t get my book written, not even started. But I AM writing. I haven’t ever even come close to a thousand words, but I do have some words. That is better than just wishing and hoping and never writing at all. I try to reorganize my closet, but did not succeed totally. But I did recognize that I have way too many t-shirts and that most of them are over sized. Am I trying to be bigger than I am? Or am I trying to hide my size?

I feel like I am plodding through this post when other times the words just slip from my finger tips. No matter. My fingers are still moving. I am still expending energy, burning calories. I can still zoom through the rooms with my Swifter, picking up dirt and Sheba’s hair. The way to clean, fast and non-obsessive, has become a habit. It is not hard. It is good to know that I can break some bad habits.

After procrastinating for a few days, I went to the lab and had my blood work done. It was difficult to wake up in the morning and not eat or have my tea. It felt impossible but on this morning I finally succeeded. I rewarded myself by having breakfast out. Then went and got the groceries. Well, I did get some help.

Help is needed sometimes and it is good to be vulnerable and let someone help. Life is not a journey to be traveled alone. You can live alone but that is not the same as being alone. I know that to be a fact because I have lived alone most of my life, but I have never been ALONE. There have always been people in my life whenever I need them. They seem to know when I’m calling.

ON THINGS THAT WORK

Posted on September 25, 2012 by hafong

So the bread is in the oven. I have these thirty minutes to reflect on my progress in changing habits. How am I going?

I would say I am doing fabulously! Having been in denial for years, buried under useless thoughts and musings, I have come up for air and light. After reciting Dr. Phil’s phrase that the greatest insanity of all is to expect a different outcome from doing the same thing, I am changing.

I have had a few almost perfect days. You might say that I have all my ducks in a row, even if it is only two of them. I’ve been moving and grooving, cleaning and tidying at high speed, not obsessing, not thinking, just doing. I’m not even stopping to smell the coffee!

I pick up. I put away. I wash. I fold. I iron. I do…at a steady clip. I save my dawdling for later. I listen. I look. I try not to talk so much. I breathe. When things don’t work out, I let it go. And when that fails, I let it be. I do the best I can.

THE SIMPLE AND THE PROFOUND

Posted on September 20, 2012 by hafong

So here I am, before my keyboard on this fine autumn day. The leaves are turning yellow, some drifting down in front of my window. Sheba is barking excitedly at some boys skateboarding by. She has not grown tired nor used to all is before her in her six years of life. That is her gift to me. She keeps me going when I’m in neutral, when I got the blahs and think: What is the point? On those days, we head off for the park. We run by the river.

The point is dogs don’t think and dwell on all the metaphysical wherefores and why-fores of life. They are just happy if you’re happy, if they’re fed, watered, have a soft bed to lay on and a few birds to chase. Sometimes it would be good if we could look at our landscape through different frames and lenses. We might get a different view. The simple may be profound.

And if we look beyond ourselves, we might see the divine.

And if we look at ourselves, we might find the child in ourselves and that pure joy that we’ve lost somewhere along the way. We might find our way home to our hearts.

REFLECTIONS

Posted on September 18, 2012 by hafong

Sometimes I have to step of my skin. Sometimes I have to step outside of my life and see my reflection in the mirror. What do I see? Who is that person looking back at me? Will I like her? Would I be proud to be her? Would I want her for a friend, daughter, sister, employee, nurse, my life partner…….?

I’ve been caught in a swirl of rote, unable or unwilling to step off the treadmill. I’ve been trapped in this cul-de-sac of life, doing by memory, living by habit, afraid to do different. Now that I have seen myself and my life reflected back at me, it is time to act. It is time to do different. It is time to do better.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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