About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

ON RANTING AND RAVING

Posted on September 14, 2012 by hafong

Would you believe me if I told you that I came out of the womb, ranting and raving? Well, that’s how it’s felt, how I have been.

I am always making scenes, speeches, on the soapbox about the injustices of the world, about the faults of individuals, organizations, and so on. I’m always wondering what the hell is wrong with people. What makes them tick? I obsess about figuring it all out, to get to the bottom of things to the point where I’m doing myself harm. I’m sure a lot of the people around me would also like to do me harm, to give me a punch or two, to put me in my place! 🙂

Well, no more! I’ve heard that bell go off in my head. I’ve seen Oprah’s light bulb moment. Who the hell do I think I am…full of ego and righteousness. If I do any ranting and raving again, it better be about myself and my passions. Ranting about what is wrong has never worked for me. It only made me an angry Chinese woman. Being right doesn’t necessary make it right and it may not always be the best way to live life.

So, in the words of my forefathers, live softly, bend like the willow, but breathe like a dragon! I lied. These are my own words. Chinese women can lie. I am not so virtuous.

SUCCESSES, FAILURES, AND IN BETWEEN

Posted on September 13, 2012 by hafong

What is success? What is failure? I tend to think in black and white. Sometimes I see in black and white in times of stress – life in Kodak moments. But that is not how life is. There are many shades of grey in between. There are other spaces between success and failure.

You would think, looking at the picture above, that I’m a successful gardener. And you would be right. I am successful for that much, but as for the rest of the garden….We hope to do better next year. It is in the other spaces in between success and failure that give rise to our better selves, where we are motivated to do not perfect, but BETTER. There are no spaces in perfect, no room to grow.

My teachers in high school had such high hopes for me. They pushed me to go to university, when all I want at the time was to be a secretary. So I went to university. I succeeded in finishing two years, but not in getting a degree. I dreamed of being an artist and a writer. I did not become such, though I dappled in both. But I did end up being a secretary for awhile, until my heart became discontented.

I became a nurse then, not because I want to serve mankind or such noble causes. I was bored and felt unfulfilled. I wanted to be an executive secretary, but I did not have that kind of persona. I could not move up. I was a failure! And so I moved on. I became a nurse….now for more than 30 years.

I’m still trying to write. Now it is purely for my own pleasure, for my own growth. I started this blog with an intention of a thousand words every day. But I am falling quite short of a thousand words! But I am writing. I am still working towards my goals. Maybe I will have to change my goal to a thousand posts a year.

WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN’T

Posted on September 12, 2012 by hafong

Breakfast is done, the dishes are in the dishwasher, the floor is swept and I am before my keyboard. My heart is pounding a little. I am taking some deep breaths to slow down. But it is all good. This works for me.

I am, by nature, a dawdler, very slow coming out of the gates. I could dawdle, drink tea and coffee, daydream and not get a single thing done all day. It is not a bad thing. But daydreams are not the stuff of real satisfaction. They do not fill your pocketbook, put dinner on the table or rid the cobwebs in the corners of your house. They do add cobwebs to my mind, slowing it down even more.

I have to do different. I don’t want to be stuck in ways that don’t work. I do not want to be a prisoner of bad habits. I am a slow learner. But now, I GIVE HER. Right after breakfast, I move fast and steady. I do not obsess. My mop goes over a spot once. Done! My dust rag over an area once. Another done. I am cleaning like a MOTHER FUCKER. Swish, swish, swish! Please excuse the language.

I adopted the term from Cheryl Strayed. She wrote a book called WILD. She used the term with reference to her writing….from the heart. I would like to write like that, but we all have our own styles. I write like Tinkerbell. I hope that I have a bit of fairy dust with my words. It works for me. I see myself in my words. I see my actions. I see my mistakes. I learn from my words. I tap away the shadows and cobwebs in my mind.

Now I need to MOVE on with the day!

WINDY GRATITUDE TUESDAY

Posted on September 11, 2012 by hafong

Tuesday started out bright and sunny, though a little cool. I woke up feeling wonderful, grateful for a perfect day at work yesterday. When was the last time I felt so great about work?

I have to savor and remember what it was that made me appreciate the day. It helps to work with someone in your own generation, who has lived as long as you have. Life experiences matter. There is music and rhythm to the day when you can rel.ate and compliment each other. But that is not saying that I don’t appreciate the younger generation. I do, but it is different. That is all, just as every individual and relationship is different.

And then there’s our patient, a young woman 0f 23, who has Down’s Syndrome. She is her own person and has her own schedule. The challenge is how to work with her so that we both have a win, win situation. I learn that somethings are not as important as I once thought. Just do your best. Do things in a different way. I learn from this young lady that it is very easy to be happy. It is not a complicated process. Just smile and be happy! The things that made her smile and laugh are:

Visiting with her family – playing cards with her dad
Justin Bieber. She had a large poster of him on the wall beside her bed.
Her Justin Bieber pillow
Her Glee pillow
Music
People

The day is getting grey and windy. I fell my good feelings slipping, a familiar sense of someone walking across my grave. I know that it is just a feeling so I hang on to the memory of good things. Today is 911, but it is also my very good friend’s birthday. So happy birthday, dear friend! It is eleven years since 911. It is also eleven years since my mother was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. I remember that I was watching on TV the news of the Twin Towers in a waiting room at St. Paul’s Hospital. My mother is healthy, vibrant and still going to the Casino today.

The wind is still howling. The evening is here. I am sitting here, tap, tapping on the keyboard. I am adding my blessings. I am grateful for my life. I am happy. I am sipping wine.

SACRED SPACES, SACRED TIME

Posted on September 9, 2012 by hafong

So it’s Sunday, the day of worship. It has been awhile since I’ve gone to Mass, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t entered those hallowed spaces in my mind. All that I have to do is close my eyes, breathe, and open my heart….to receive all the love that is out there for all of us.

It is after 4 in the afternoon. My bread is cooling on the rack. The laundry is doing in washer and the dryer. The dusting is somewhat done. Some spaces are more clean and sacred than others. I’m finally sitting down with my tea and fresh baked bread. This is my sacred free day, a day alone. I have to remind myself constantly to slow down and not to move too fast. The day is for enjoying.

I close my eyes, breathe slowly and just be. It is not so easy, with Sheba barking at me. So she is going outside with a bone to add to her little graveyard. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, even if it’s bribery.

MORNING HAS BROKEN

Posted on September 8, 2012 by hafong

Morning has broken in Saskatoon. It is beautiful just like that first morning. The sun is out, glistening upon the fountainhead. A chickadee is drinking from its base and then it is gone. The morning air is cool and crisp – only 3 degrees. Sheba steams as she relieves herself on the grass.

This is the part of the day that I love the most. The world is still quiet, just stirring itself. The frenzy has not yet started. I can still think. I can still breathe. It is Saturday. I hear the traffic slowly start along Preston Avenue. Soon this madness called living will begin.

Now is the time to plan my day and not let it fall into willy nilly. It is very cool to be a free spirit but unstructured has never worked for me. So to keep doing the same and expecting different results would be insanity, as Dr. Phil would say. I am making a change today. I am going to make a to do list. That is my first change. It is a very small step, but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. (from my venerable ancestor, Lao Tzu)

HELLO TO HAPPINESS

Posted on September 4, 2012 by hafong

I’m sitting here, wishing that I could get rid of the day…the excess baggage from work that often comes home with me. And so I read and write, re-channeling my energy to a more positive outcome. Looking at the pumped arms of the motorcyclists in the photo above guides me in a better direction. …hello to happiness, goodbye to sorrow! Ridding my sorrows can be as easy as that. Stop thinking. Put in periods. Do something else.

I came across someone’s blog tonight about bucket lists, travels and adventures. I found myself wishing that I could be like that. To myself, I sounded quite whiny, not an attractive trait at my mature age. I had to do a quick inventory of my life instantly. I did not want to feel lacking, wishing for this and wishing for that. I needed to kick myself and tell a different story.

My life is no small story! My bucket list is full of travels and adventures of the spirit as well as landscapes:

I was born in China. Lived in Hong Kong between 6-8 years old.
Moved to Canada at 8.
Went to university, business college, took a nursing course
Travels include NYC, Caribbean, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, revisited parts of China, Europe, Ghana…
Been a waitress, secretary, cashier, nurse
Am a daughter, sister, aunt, lover, mother to my dog

Isn’t that quite impressive? And I am still kicking, fighting and laughing.

REMEMBERING JESSIE

Posted on September 1, 2012 by hafong

Perhaps it is just in the day. It is cloudy and drizzly. Now I have the time I crave, time that I have been wishing for, to do so many things. But I can’t seem to move forward, cannot find what it is that I wish to do. It is not that I’m restless, for I feel a sense of inertia, and yet a sense of discomfort…of things left unsaid and undone. And so here I sit. Maybe the words will come to me. Maybe the voice will come and tell me what it is that I want to do, what it is that I want to say.

The other day, I went to my friend’s mother’s funeral. It seemed as we age, the more funerals there are. I cannot say that it was sad, for she was 83, lived a good life and was suffering bad health the last year. It is good that she is freed from all that. I am happy that she is in heaven, among the stars, along with her John.

I remembered her kindness, her contributions to the community. She was always happy to see me and welcomed me in her home. One time I was visiting and she polished my shoes for church, along with her family’s. Another time, she climbed the rickety stairs of my boarding house to give me a pair of lamps as wedding presents for my ill-fated marriage an eon ago. She called herself my other mother.

Now, I think I can go on with my day.

THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND

Posted on August 31, 2012 by hafong

My mind has been spinning today, for whatever reason, like the song says…like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, on an ever-spinning reel. There is nothing for me to except to observe it…waiting for the wind to die.

I have learned some lessons in life so far….not always to fight so much. It is okay just to ride it out. I have also learned to be a little kinder to myself and not to judge myself so harshly. I can have a bad day. I can behave badly. The world will not end because of it.

While I was waiting for the wind to abate, I got out of bed, dressed, took Sheba to the park, shopped…..In other words, I got on with this thing call life.

Unfortunately or fortunately, life is not like a treadmill. You cannot stop and get off. It will go on without you.

CLOUDS

Posted on August 28, 2012 by hafong

I’m hearing Joni Mitchell’s song this morning as I look at my pictures of clouds…..and ponder about life and it’s swirling mystery. I am enjoying the morning sun, sipping my tea and rejoicing and celebrating.

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that wayBut now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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