It’s a very dreary, dreary day. I’m not looking forward to taking Sheba out for her walk but I will. If I give in to my rathers, I am sure I will come apart like a house of cards. I was thinking how difficult everything is this morning on the way to my appointment with my gynecologist. Getting out the door to anywhere feels stressful. Having to be on time. Having to find parking. I circle and circle. Then I’m in the examining room. I’m staring up at the bright lights in the ceiling, trying not to fall off the slanting chair. Then I see all those glistening metal instruments sitting on the cart next to me. Hmmm.

It all turned out. I’m good till next year. The medical resident working with him asked me, Aren’t you happy? I replied, I’m happy. She laughed because my face doesn’t show it. She’s one of those really bright, cheery and beautiful women you would love to hate. You can’t because she is so darn nice. So I mumbled something about it being morning. There was no need to explain or expand. I couldn’t. It is what it is.

So here I am, trying to tap out a few words, trying to do something. I have to try even if I don’t feel like it. It took me the longest time to get the lunch dishes done. I moaned and groaned. Everything felt twice as bad when it shouldn’t at all. I cannot understand it. I don’t try. I just do. I got the Roomba going while I was doing the dishes. Sheba is dropping clumps of hair and tracking in dirt. They magnify in my mind’s eye when I’m feeling thus.

I’m not complaining, just talking myself into moving and doing. We’ve just come back from our walk in a light drizzle. We did it. We didn’t melt in the rain. Our paws our wiped clean and dry. Another walk. Another day. I wish I have something more profound to say but this is it.




Tuesday started out bright and sunny, though a little cool.  I woke up feeling wonderful, grateful for a perfect day at work yesterday.  When was the last time I felt so great about work?

I have to savor and remember what it was that made me appreciate the day.  It helps to work with someone in your own generation, who has lived as long as you have.  Life experiences matter.  There is music and rhythm to the day when you can rel.ate and compliment each other.  But that is not saying that I don’t appreciate the younger generation.  I do, but it is different.  That is all, just as every individual and relationship is different.

And then there’s our patient, a young woman 0f 23, who has Down’s Syndrome.  She is her own person and has her own schedule.  The challenge is how to work with her so that we both have a win, win situation.  I learn that somethings are not as important as I once thought.  Just do your best.  Do things in a different way.  I learn from this young lady that it is very easy to be happy.  It is not a complicated process.  Just smile and be happy!   The things that made her smile and laugh are:

  1. Visiting with her family – playing cards with her dad
  2.  Justin Bieber.  She had a large poster of him on the wall beside her bed.
  3.  Her Justin Bieber pillow
  4.  Her Glee pillow
  5.  Music
  6. People

The day is getting grey and windy.  I fell my good feelings slipping, a familiar sense of someone walking across my grave.  I know that it is just a feeling so I hang on to the memory of good things.  Today is 911, but it is also my very good friend’s birthday.  So happy birthday, dear friend!  It is eleven years since 911.  It is also eleven years since my mother was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm.  I remember that I was watching on TV the news  of the Twin Towers in a waiting room at St. Paul’s Hospital.  My mother is healthy, vibrant and still going to the Casino today.

The wind is still howling.  The evening is here.  I am sitting here, tap, tapping on the keyboard.  I am adding my blessings.  I am grateful for my life.  I am happy.  I am sipping wine.