About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

MAINTENANCE – Day 23 in a year of….

Posted on August 14, 2016 by hafong

Day 23, August 14, 2016 @4:25

I do wonder each day if I could make it back to this place. If I do, would I have anything to say? I’m here.

It’s easy to get excited about projects and resolutions. The trick is maintaining the enthusiasm and momentum. Without them, you could come to a full stop like the billiard ball just before the drop into the pocket. What is desirable is the domino effect – showing up day after day, no matter what. Some days are better than others.

I try to maintain if unable to advance for the day. I try not slide off the mountain. It’s a long ways down and longer to climb back. I try not to analyze too much. I do wonder sometimes why it’s such an effort to pick up something dropped. Why is it easier to walk around it? Now I stand and agonize for minutes and pick it up. I do it for other hard-to-do things. It’s a lazy brain thing. I am sure I will have many minutes of agony before my brain can see it’s not hard. No pain, no gain. Is that true?

Showing up is agony sometimes. But I want to change the agony to ecstasy. I’m not a sucker for pain. Onward we go! My half sweater parts are unravelled. I have found a pattern book. I’m ready to knit my life back up again. Are you ready?

Till tomorrow.

STUCK AND UNSTUCK – Day 22 in a year of…

Posted on August 13, 2016 by hafong

Day 22,August 13, 2016 @2:00 pm

Life is frigging hard. I blame my brain. It likes to be stuck in old habits. It likes easy. Then I blame the weather. I feel every storm brewing, every drop and rise of pressure. The clouds are building again. I am stuck so now I’m having a cup of tea. That’s my remedy for everything.

Life was clear this morning. The day was fresh. I was on a new page – reading Ruth Rendall’s The Crocodile Bird. I had already read it once but I have forgotten everything. It read like the first time. I was hooked on the first page! I felt my eyes racing forward, skimming over the words, missing the descriptives for the action. I stopped and read the second paragraph again – how the tail lights went over the bridge and the headlights came around the bend. I found that scene so descriptive. I see it in my head.

My intention for today is to enjoy the whole read. It’s good to be hooked, but I should be able read all the words, see the setting and characters and let the story unfold chronologically. Quite often I read the beginning and the ending. I might go back to the middle. Then sometimes I don’t. So far so good. I’ve read two chapters. Can’t remember the ending from the first read and I haven’t gone to the end.

Patience, forbearance and happiness are what I am trying to develop in this project of choosing different ways/things. I’m tired of bogged in insufficiency, ruts and having hard times. Even little things/ways are hard to change. They’re probably all biggies. According to Pema Chodron the 3 big difficult practices are:

Acknowledging what is happening
Choosing a different alternative
Making it a way of life.

It makes a lot of sense to me. What do you think? I’m a little unstuck. Back to what I was working on. Till tomorrow.

DON’T SAY NO – Day 21 in a year of….

Posted on August 12, 2016 by hafong

Day 21, August 12, 2016 @3:04

The day has a way of getting away on me. I’m sitting here with my decaf, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to find the words. One day I will drink real coffee again. The struggle continues. My brain is very lazy. Wanting the same easy. Wanting to sleep.

Mornings are the best for doing different. The world is soft in the morning mist. The mind is open and the brain hasn’t dug its feet in against something new. I breathe in the freshness of the day, make my intentions and have my cup of tea. Mornings are my best. I use them as springboards into the day.

It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I do. Today being Friday, was an exercise day. Monday is for mostly straight aerobics, Wednesday, step aerobics with weights. Friday for the most of the summer has been just aerobics. But today I walked into the gym and saw that the instructor had stations set up. It was a circuit training day. I went: Yuk! My brain and body seized up. From past experience I knew that I would like it once warmed up and into it. So don’t refuse to do something different. It can be good for you.

My decaf is done. I’m more awake. Virtual exercise helps, too. Now on to making some dog biscuits for Sheba. Till tomorrow.

ORGANIZATION – Day 20 in a year of….

Posted on August 11, 2016 by hafong

Day 20, August 11, 2016 @11:09

I’m really late. I’ve been dying for sleep since afternoon. But I have to fulfill my commitment. This is day 20 and my focus is on organization. I see the value living a life free of clutter, heaps and piles. For today at least, my dining table is serene. I would like my life looking like that.

For today, I strive for starting and finishing. For the most part, I have been successful. That’s all I ask – to be successful for the most part. It is late. I don’t strive for outstand- ing. I go for easy and simple. I ask for giving it my best. I have given both. I bid you good night and fall into delicious sleep. Till tomorrow.

BRINGING OUT MY KNITTING – Day 19 in a year of….

Posted on August 10, 2016 by hafong

Day 19, August 10, 2016 @4:02

It rained again today. It was time to bring out my knitting basket. I did say, if it rains again. The basket sat untouched in my closet for a few years now. It holds a lot of knitting needles, wool and not a few unfinished projects – 2 sweaters, 1 scarf and 3 dishcloths. Oh, the dishcloths are finished. They are but small squares.

I can knit, purl, do cables, plain Janes, scarves, dishcloths….I can do many patterns. I can do blankets and even crochet. I can start but completing is another matter. So here’s the thing. In this year of doing different, I’m going to start knitting again. I’m going to knit till I have a finished sweater. I’m choosing a sweater because it is more challenging. It is more creative and creativity can add so much to our lives. Finishing will add self confidence.

But first, I’m going to unravel the sweaters. I have no idea where I have left off with either one or where the patterns are. Same with the scarf. I no longer like the style. My eyes are heavy with sleep. I have to stand up and do something else. Till tomorrow then. Happy knitting if you are inclined.

SLEEP – Day 18 in the year of…

Posted on August 9, 2016 by hafong

Day 18, August 9, 2016 @5:47

My brain is not working well today having had only a few hours of sleep last night. I have a headache and the stomach has been upset for a large part of the day. This is because we took our house guests to the airport at 3:30 am. Having returned an hour later, we were unable to resume our sleep. I was able to have a short nap in early afternoon. But I do not feel that much better.

I shudder to think that was how I lived for over 30 years – mostly sleep deprived as a nurse. I would say I was probably getting 5-6 hours of sleep most days/nights after a 12 hour shift, catching up on days off. The most frequent question we ask each other was, Did you sleep? The next one was, Are you on days off?

Research have shown that shift work is really bad for your brain. A decade of long-termed shift work can knock 6 years off memory and thinking skill. So what will 30 years do? There is a whole host of health hazards associated with sleep deprivation and shift work. It’s scary stuff. When I was right in the middle of it, I prided myself on how well I functioned on little sleep. I was probably not thinking clearly at the time. Now I know better from experience.

Better sleep habits will be foremost on my list of musts. I know that if I go to bed earlier rather than later, I can get to sleep faster and better. Here’s to better night of sleep. Till tomorrow.

INQUIRY – Day 17 in a year of……

Posted on August 8, 2016 by hafong

Day 17, August 8, 2016 @4:17

The rain is making me sleepy and all I want to do is nap, nap, nap. Motivation is low. Routine and habit brought me back to this space. I have to sit and sip my tea before words and ideas can form. Maybe a snack will help, too. When all else fails, snack! I have to tell you my bean casserole turned out okay. But oven time was over 1 1/2 hours instead of 25 minutes. Next time, if I’m using fresh beans from the garden, I will parboil them first.

I have been listening to Byron Katie the last two days. I am familiar with her work but I always come away with learning something new each time. You always hear and see with new ears and eyes each time. Never dismiss or roll your eyes when someone is repeating his/her story. There’s always nuances, important ones that might change your life.

I love the 4 questions that she asks.

Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

The work may be difficult to grasp, but now I do see it is a beautiful process. My perceptions have shifted, my mind expanding and my heart opening a little more. Are the thoughts in my head real? What is reality – the past, the future, or only now? Lots to ponder. If you are interested, you can visit her link here.

REST – Day 16 in a year of….

Posted on August 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 16, August 7, 2016@6:19

I am running a little later today. My doing different today is listening to the whispers of my body. I am feeling the fatigue of the fast approaching autumn and shorter days. So used to doing, doing, doing it is hard to stop. But then it is equally difficult to keep going. So I stopped and napped, letting go of everything for that time.

Now, I’m here in this space, tap, tapping out my words for the day. The rice is cooked. I’m waiting for the beans to casserole. Everything always takes longer than they say. Ah, it’s okay. I got the wine, the keyboard and pesky Sheba to keep me company. I wish dogs could bark in English. It’s hard to decipher one bark from another. I suppose she wants her afternoon walk. Maybe a few ear rubs will suffice. Change is good for dogs, too.

It was serendipitous that this morning I sat on the mindfulness for depression episode of the Mindfulness Summit 2015. I paid heed as I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been lucky these last few years that I have not felt the severe symptoms of the past. I thank Melli O’Brien and Ruby Wax for their contribution to the mindfulness movement.

My beans are calling me. I must do the easy and simple and go. Till tomorrow.

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE – Day 15 in a year of….

Posted on August 6, 2016 by hafong

Day 15, August 6, 2016 @2:39

Afternoons are not any easier to show up here. The air is warm. What I really want is to lay down and have a nap. Maybe a cup of tea will help. That is my answer for everything – a cup of tea.

How quickly one’s brain get clouded. That small window of clarity is there for me in the morning when most of the world is still asleep. I can see that message on the wall before the world rushes in. I sit in the silence and the unspoken wisdom. Then I sit in the words of those who have trained and taught the wisdom – Melli O’Brien and Elisha Goldstein.

What I know for sure is that it is never a good or right time for anything. You have to make time for what your heart desires. It is and it isn’t all about me. It is about me in that it is I, who has the choice. It is I who must do the work. I am responsible. It isn’t all about me. The world is a big place. There are many me, me, me out there. We are all different but we are all the same. We are all part of humanity. We all suffer. We all bleed. If I can open my eyes and heart a little more each day, I can let more of the world in. I can suffer less. I can love more. I can, can’t I? What about you? Can you let me in just a little more?

Till tomorrow again.

LESS OF ME, I AND MINE – Day 14 in a year of…

Posted on August 5, 2016 by hafong

Day 15, August 5, 206 @10:34

Need I say that it is difficult to show up every day? It is. It’s late. Words and thoughts are harder to come by. But I’ve had a wonderful evening out, connecting with colleagues from long ago. Now I sit in the evening’s after glow wondering what to say. I’m remembering the conversations at the table: Have you heard about X. She has breast cancer and is getting chemo. Y is a private care home. Z died. What I know for sure is, time goes fast and life is sweet.

I know why it is that I choose to come to this place every day. It is to live. I made the commitment for a year. But why not for the rest of my life? A life is worth to live it well. I want to taste all its sweetness and bitterness as well. For how could I tell the difference without either? I want to feel the sun and the rain, the wind and the calm. I want to experience and weather it all – life in all its catastrophes.

And so I show up every day in this place in mindfulness. I am learning/choosing something different, to see another view, to be in another’s shoe. Can I be more of the world and less of me, I and mine? That’s one point from today’s session in mindfulness with Melli and Dr. Rick Hanson.

It is late. It is enough. To choose the easy and simple, I say good night. Till tomorrow.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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