Author Archives: hafong

Unknown's avatar

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

LANGUISHING

Posted on by
4

It is Tuesday morning, a day off. Funny how I still think of days off when I’m retired. Those words have been a part of my vocabulary for so many years. You get two nurses together, the conversation mostly sounds like this: Are you on days off? Did you sleep? Of course that was in my days. I’m not sure about the young nurses talk nowadays.

So, I’m on a day off. I don’t have to head off to aerobics or swimming. I have no MUSTS to do, except….I have been saying for days I MUST get my shit together, tidy up, dust up and file up. Now that the day is here that I could do all these things, I just want to sit here, in my beautiful room and languish. Both big windows are opened. The sun is streaming in. It’s early enough for a cool breeze. A bird is chirping. I wonder if it’s the one nesting in the grape vines.

It’s been awhile since I’ve just sat in peace, not wanting to do. I relax the furrows between my eyes. How wonderful to feel the release of tension. I do not mind the clutter and bit of dust on my desk. I sip my tumeric tea as I gaze at the sun dancing on the magnolia and amaryllis. They need some water soon. Out the window, I can see Sheba laying in her hollowed out dirt bed beside the potted avocado. She is happy and cool, watching and listening to the birds in the yard. I will finish my tea and head out to weed a little. I’m getting back to the rhythm of ‘doing little blocks’. They add up like drops filling a bucket.

It is now 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I spent 2 hours in the yard and garden, weeding and harvesting. Perhaps I overdid. Now I am not only languishing but wilting a bit.  It is warm but I’m still getting a breeze through the windows. The birds are still chirping back and forth to each other. Sheba is languishing in the diningroom. She threw up twice today so maybe a light supper.

Can’t say I have climbed any mountains or vanquished any villains today. Haven’t even had time for any crime reading. Nothing much to show except some rhubarb stalks on the kitchen island and fewer weeds in the garden. Oh, yes, I’ve filled the raised beds in the back with rainwater. A good day. Now back to languish with my cup of tea.

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

Posted on by
6

Sometimes All the time I feel self possessed. I’m consumed with me, I and myself. It’s all about me. I wonder if it is a bad thing. Is it a selfish thing? Am I a narcissist? By definition it is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” I think I’m disqualified because most of the time, I find myself lacking. I feel relieved. Yet I wonder why I’m not worthy of self admiration. Why do I feel ashamed or embarrassed to express the satisfaction with myself?

These are interesting times for me, entering the last stage of my life. You would think that after all this time, I would be more grown up, more confident, more knowing. But the only more I have lately are stuff, disappointment, anger and dissatisfaction with how I and life are. That’s not good at all, at all. I hate waking up in the morning with this sour taste in my mouth and my body heavy as lead. I plod through my days very efficiently nonetheless, almost with a smile on my face.

My saving grace is that I love a challenge. It is difficult for me to lie down for long and say uncle. I eventually rise, however slowly, like the Phoenix and is born again. I am tenacious, stubborn and obnoxious – but only to myself these days. I have learned a bit of wisdom through my addiction with self-help. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. What others think of me is none of my business. I got that now. I do take myself personally though. I have regard for my well being. I am learning to take care of myself first. I have to save myself first before I can help someone else. It’s just like they teach you on the airplane. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. I MATTER. Darn tooting.

I’m feeling pretty fine today, having turned my thoughts around a bit. I woke up with an unusual spring to my step. I try not to let things get under my skin. I’m trying to grow a thicker layer. I’m trying not to be so serious all the time. But the thing is I like my serious side. I like to ponder on serious stuff. I stopped at the used book store on the way home from my aerobics class. It is my candy store. I bought Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can by Caroline Myss. I am a serious case and a self-help addict. But I am earnestly working on having fun. Really I am – even if it’s just on paper.

 

 

 

 

LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE

Posted on by
13

Here it is, 5 pm already. I’m sitting here with my cup of tea and a large serving of rhubarb crisp. I won’t be a slim Jim Jean any time soon. I guess it is not that important to me. I rather stay reasonably calm and sane with food than a starving screaming Barbie Doll. I have been screaming some. But somehow a screaming chubby woman seems more attractive than a screeching skinny Minny. Of course, I’m justifying, trying to make myself feel better.  There’s something to be said for self control and courage. I really admire Lexi Reed of FatGirlFedUp for having lost 300 pounds on her own. She has a very inspiring story.

Things are not as dire as I sound. Today I awoke with no pain in my left hand. I did not have to pry and snap my ring finger straight as I have been the last couple of months. No pain is good. One less thing to rag about. It does not make me an attractive woman at all. Another good thing is the temperature is normal. No extreme heat to fire me up, then wear me down. Life is good as they say. Any yay! No more summer cold or bad cough.

My brain and temperament are cooled to optimum. Going to Mass yesterday gave me peace. Today I am able to put aside everything that is unnecessary and focus on the necessary. My pile of life have been waiting patiently on my desk to be delt with. It’s surprising how much energy it takes to sort, scrutinize, answer, write out the cheques, put them in envelopes and file away the records. Then there are items that needed tending online – downloading and filing into folders, changing my charge card number and notifying the appropriate payees. This part of life is not romantic at all. But at the end of it, I feel a sense of satisfaction. I care enough about myself to tend to the matters. There have been times when I haven’t. I just let things to happen to me. I was lazy.

I’ve turned over a new leaf. I expect I will slip now and again. I won’t promise I won’t ever scream again. I would if I could be guaranteed not to be ever sick or stressed again. I have been sorry too many times already. I want to cut down those numbers. Whoever wrote that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” must know what he’s talking about. Maybe it only applies in movies, to Ryan O’neal and Ali MacGraw. What do you think about that line? You’re probably too young to know the movie Love Story. It is kind of sappy.

LIMPING TOWARDS BLISS

Posted on by
8

I have to admit I am wilting in the heat of the weather and the stress of life. I pull no punches, pretending I live in La La Land. I have a pot of tumeric tea brewing, the fan oscillating in my writing space and counting my blessings. I’m grateful for seeing my mother this morning. She is feeling well and independent in her own home. She made soup for me. She also shared with me her gifted sticky rice. I am happy that she has such friends. They know she has limitations and is looking out for her. I have tears of happiness for her bounty of caring friends.

I wish the same for myself. I have alot to learn yet. I have not seen enough of the world or life. One thing I know for sure is, I can’t fight the heat. I can only limp along with however much strength it allows me. And it was tough last night. Sheba and I limped along well after the supper hour. It was very slow going in the heat and humidity of the evening. But we DID make it to the Dairy Queen. My furbaby behaved like a proper queen, behaving, not barking up a storm or jumping. We shared a hot fudge sundae, taking care she gets none of the chocolate. Next time I have to ask for an extra spoon for her. It was kind of messy using my finger.

What else can I say on another hot day in July? Life is not perfect. It is not a bowl of cherries. I have a fan. I have AC. I have Sheba. I have myself. My garden is doing fantastic. There’s a bird nesting in the grapevines. It’s still there. I’ve just scared it out of its nest with my curiosity. I still have all those bills yet to be paid. But I have a few days of grace yet. Oh yes. I like to attend Mass this afternoon. I hope I’m brave enough. It’s been a long while and it’s difficult to return. I feel like the prodigal daughter.

My path

To help me along, I could get dressed and be ready. If I make it or not, I have set out the intention. What I have learned is that there is no forcing. You can’t force yourself or anyone else in doing what is not felt right. I will just have to limp along towards the promised land. That is also progress.

MY TAPPING SOLUTION

Posted on by
2

Darn! It’s 10 pm and I’ve just sat down here. Where did the day go? I haven’t paid my bills like I was going to. I haven’t done a lot of things I set out to do. On top of that I feel like hell in a handbasket. I just made up that phrase but you must know what I mean. I feel like the pits. It’s not such a bad state. It’s better than feeling ‘depressed’. It carries some strength and action with it. I can move. I’m tapping furiously now. It’s a good thing. I don’t feel helpless.

Wonder Woman

I feel galvanized towards action. But I think I better cool it and just exercise my fingers tonight. There’s wisdom in silence and non action and certainly non violence. I can be a quiet peaceful Wonder Woman. I can put aside my golden lasso for the night. There are no bad hombres out there. Donald got the wall up. I can sit here quietly and tap my heart into a peaceful rhythm. I don’t want to throw any pvcs.

Life is really simple if I let it rest. It is not necessary for me to run interference. It’s not for me to solve the world’s problems. That’s not saying that I sit idly by watching someone drown if I can throw him a rope to safety. That doesn’t mean that I take him home after either. But I do have trouble letting go of the responsibility. I think a lot of women do.

I’m learning that part of life now. It’s not easy but it shouldn’t be that hard either. Having lived over sixty years, you think I would have learned some courage if not savy. Does that say anything about how I value myself? It’s a loaded question and it’s a little late in the evening. I still have to have my shower, brush my teeth and get myself into a zen state for sleep. I’ll have to leave it to the morrow for more profound thoughts on the question. So good night and good sleep. Worry not and let it rest till tomorrow.

I’M NOT SORRY NOW

Posted on by
2

Some days it’s difficult to get everything done. Some days it’s impossible to get anything done. Do I sound like a broken record? I think so. I wonder when I will get my shit together once and for all. Is there such a day? I don’t think so. Let me stop the nonsense and put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes. There! I feel better. Let me ask you about your day. I’m too self absorb. There is a world outside of me.

Yesterday I learned of Maggie Kuhn on Facebook. Yes, Fb can be educational besides being gossipy and stirring up trouble. I like Kuhn’s message about old age being an excellent time for outrage. Thanks Maggie! I feel I have earned the right to be so by now. I’ve earned every frown, wrinkle and the sour disposition from my years on this earth. I’ve always watched my ps and qs, crossed my ts and dotted my i(s).

Dang it all! I’m mighty tired of being so proper. Let me be a little flexible. I’m not brittle yet. I won’t break and shatter into itsy bitsy pieces. I’m not sorry any more. Enough! Stop it! I’m going to act my age, claim my rights and be ornery and outrageous.

BREATHING AS ONE

Posted on by
2

It’s no exaggeration that this is a very difficult summer for me. Admitting it helps me to navigate it better. It prevents me from overextending myself and setting unrealistic goals. I’ve been waylaid by a summer cold for a month. I’m on the upswing though a bothersome cough pops up now and again. My energy is coming back now that the heat wave have abated. It’s replaced by clouds, rain and cool temperatures. Not all that great either but those are the things out of my control. I do the best with what I have.

I really have nothing to complain about. I am not complaining. My life is not hard at all, not after watching the segment about the new program of end of life care to the homeless in Toronto. What is this thing call life about when a homeless 23 year old woman dies 2 days after entering hospice care? There are so many things we I rather not think about or see – like the homeless and end of life care for LGBT seniors.

So though most news is not good news, I need to get my head out of the sand. It’s time to come up for air, look around and see what’s happening in the world. What can I do? How can I help? We are all connected after all. We, along with every living thing on this planet breathe as one. What happens to one, happens to all. Yes, I’m quoting Caroline Myss, my spiritual compass. She does not mince words. She speaks the truth. I’m seeing and agreeing with her that truth is the most important element.

Being congruent is about truths. It is when your truths are the same coming from your head AND heart. It took me a long time to understand that. Now I get it. It’s slippery. Sometimes it slips away and I have to find it again. That’s with almost everything. Boy, am I no fun or what? Such seriousness but that’s who I am. At least I’ve sidetracked myself from myself and my summer woes – for a little while. Tomorrow is another day. Now for a cup of tumeric tea.

STAND TALL

Posted on by
2

The jukebox is playing in my head again. It’s been playing Burton Cumming’s Stand Tall all day. I wonder if it’s a message for me. Hmmm.

I‘m trying. I have been standing tall all my life and alone.  Well, since I could stand on my own. So when would that be – a year old? It’s a long time anyways. There’s this story that all the old aunties used to tell me when I was growing up in China. The story was that my father had thrown me out onto the steps in a fit of temper when I was 2 years. That was shortly before he left for Canada. It was 6 years before my mother and I were reunited with him in Hong Kong.

Sometimes I wonder if I felt any sense of abandonment hearing this story. Did it have a big impact my life or the development of my character? The old aunties and my own paternal grandmother had remarked on my ‘bad’ temperament over the years. They said no man would have me because of that and the scar on my arm. I certainly have felt and suffered my guilt for lack of ‘good qualities’ most of my life. I attributed that to being female. Now I wonder about those stories.

I am tired of all those feelings wherever they came from. I’m grown up now. I provide for myself. I’ve held down a responsible job for many years. I pay taxes and my own bills. I demand nothing from anyone. I’ve taken full responsibility for my life. That’s all I’m responsible for. There’s no need for me to keep those feelings. I can stand tall and let them all fall.

One day post Canada Day is a good time to declare my own independence, my autonomy from those stories told by old aunties and my self inflicted suffering. It’s time to tell myself new stories.

 

 

TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE

Posted on by
4

Tomorrow is Canada’s birthday. There will be a lot of celebrating and singing of this native land, the true north strong and free. I see in my mind’s eye how we stand tall, straight and on guard as we sing our national athem. Even though the maple leaf is our emblem, it is the magestic spruce trees I see standing tall on guard.

It’s a reminder for me to stand on my own guard, take responsibility for the things that I do and say. My life is my own. It is my own garden to tend. I know all its terrain, how much watering and fertilizing it needs. It’s my job to weed and till the soil. Come harvest, I can take pleasure to share my bounty if I can. Sometimes you put more in than you get back. It’s how life is. There are no equalized payments.

It is late in the evening. I am listening to the swish slosh of the dishwater. My mind is a bit unsettled. No point in trying to get a good night’s sleep just yet. It won’t work. It’s good to be here tapping rhythmically, relaxing my body and my mind and coaxing my brain into alpha waves. I hate to struggle. I’ve been struggling too much. It’s time to change my pattern. I’m letting go of things I can’t change. I’m letting go of things that are not mine.

I think I’m getting sleepy. Wishing all a happy Canada Day for tomorrow. Good night and good sleep.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

Posted on by
Reply

So, I’ve let out my morning angst and shed my morning tears. I must feel and acknowledge my feelings of disappointments and sadness. I must give voice to what is in my heart. To deny myself and suppress all that is in me does me harm. I’ve lived too long in a world of taboos where you feel all the unspoken tensions. It’s like being in a vacuum. Can you hear the sound of one hand clapping? Do not disturb the shit. Now that the shit has hit the fan, let me get on with life. So welcome to my world.

Welcome to my world
Won’t you come on in?
Miracles, I guess
Still happen now and then
Step into my heart
Leave your cares behind
Welcome to my world
Built with you in mind
Knock and the door will open
Seek and you will find
Ask and you’ll be given
The key to this world of mine
I’ll be waiting here
With my arms unfurled
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world
Yes, I still believe in miracles. It’s been a tough spring. Yet, the seeds got seeded and the seedlings got planted. They are all thriving despite our strange and erratic weather of hot, cold, dry and drenching rain. It gives me hope that we, as a planet will survive and thrive. I still believe in love. Despite the tsumanis we create ourselves, we will have our lifejackets on and learn to navigate the rough waters.