Author Archives: hafong

Unknown's avatar

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

A BROKEN RECORD

Posted on by
Reply

It’s one of those snow falling on cedars days days. The sun is trying to break through the clouds with fluffy white flakes drifting down. It’s kind of pretty, kind of melancholy. Don’t mind me. I’m just a natural born melancholy babe. I’m a broken record. Unfortunately I can’t sing like Judy. But I can dream about somewhere over the rainbow where bluebirds fly and dreams come true.

*************

It’s another day. The sun is out. The sky is bright and clear. I wish my head is too, but alas! It is like a ticker tape with running rhetorics and what have you(s). Ok, I’m being dramatic. I have a sinus cold but nevertheless, my head is thick and hollow at the same time. Nothing coming in and nothing going out.

It is yet another day. I am a broken record. I have lost my way with words and thoughts. It is true. I haven’t been using them, now I’ve lost them. It will be hard work to coax them back. Oh well, I’ve lost heart and passion, too. The world is flat. It will be an uphill climb but I’m up for the challenge. I’ve been forever plodding on this weary road. The habit is in me. It is my Camino de Santiago.

So much for my plans for a heartful February. The best plans of mice and men often go awry. Mine certainly has. It feels that way but feelings are deceiving. Sometimes they are not true. If I am a depressive, I am a highly functional one. What seems like my lowest low can outshine another depressive’s highest high. I’m not bragging nor being facetious. I’m just being truthful. I always try. I’m always on the Camino. It’s just not in me to stop, give up, give in, throw in the towel, pack it in, abandon ship, derail, fall off the wagon…. That’s not how I am.

But I am a melancholic and love sad happy songs. I do wish I could sing. I wish I could sing like this angel.

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

Posted on by
6

So yesterday was Valentines Day, the day of hearts and flowers. As with all other special occasions, I’m slightly out of step. Perhaps I’ve been looking at my half empty glass instead of the half full one. Let’s face it, no matter how you look at it, the glass is only half of what it could be. No matter how many cute quotes you come up with or how positive you are, there must have been times when you’ve felt half empty, haven’t there?

Oh, I know. I had an intention of changing my voice for this heart month of February. I still have that intention but I want to rid the narratives in my head and the questions in my heart. It is really hard to be not who I am. Maybe I should give up trying to sound like someone else. I am who I am, of Asian flavour – the sum total of my heritage, upbringing and western influence. I should examine how all these influences have affected who I am and how I have felt about myself.

********************

So it is three days post Valentines Day. I’m more out of step than I realize but I want to finish my conversation here. Life happens as they say. It’s gotten the best of me for now. I’m tired and lacking energy and drive. The well is dry. All I want to do the last couple of days is curl up with my blanket and watch Downton Abby on Netflix. Right now I want to fall asleep. I’ve lost heart in February. Ah! Sometimes the best laid plans do not work. I will throw up my hands and say, oh well and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

 

I’VE FALLEN INTO THAT DAMN HOLE AGAIN

Posted on by
6

I’m repeating myself, but February is heart month. To have heart is to have courage. Sometimes Many times I feel such a lacking in myself. I have not taken the helm. I’m blown hither and thither in the winds of life. I have been so disengaged, living in my head mostly. I haven’t even noticed. I’ve said so many “it doesn’t matter” and “good enough”. Suddenly I woke up today to find that it does matter. I matter and I won’t settle for good enough. Things have to be better or I will not be able to move forward. I shall be forever walking down the same f**ing street in Portia Nelson’s poem.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

I am very disappointed and angry with myself. I have been lazy. There’s no other reason. It’s hard work to have a life. I have gotten up, dressed up and shown up every day. But I have not put in the effort to do the hard work. I thought I have but I hadn’t. How the view changes as I wake up from my sleep. I have found some courage on the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City. I have to work and strengthen my heart and keep my brain clear not to regress and fall into the same frigging hole. I will avoid those 2 idiot phrases from my speech as much as possible. No, I must delete them completely.

Now if I was to fall into the rabbit hole with Alice, it might be more fun, revealing and helpful.

 

 

I GOTTA HAVE HEART

Posted on by
2

February – you are the heart month but you are also the coldest month so far. How am I suppose to keep heart? My fingertips are cracked and bleeding from the chill. That will teach me to take my gloves off to capture your icy beauty with my camera. I wince with each tap on the keyboard. It is worth it though. It all helps to give me heart, to keep it beating, to perfuse me with a creative force. It helps to have added purpose for Sheba’s and mine daily walks.

Keeping heart is sometimes hard for me. I feel things deeply – the highs and the lows. I bounce around like a rubber ball. I can run hot and cold at the same time. You might call me a HSP, a highly sensitive person. I fit the descriptions very well. I have all the 21 signs, most notably the need for alone time and absorbing other people’s feelings. Hell, all 21 points are strong in me.

I’ve never really checked into it before now. Maybe understanding myself better will help me to navigate life better. I hope it will lead to having an easier time relating to others and managing my emotions. Dang, life is frigging hard! There’s still things to learn no matter how old I am. I’m all for it. Bring it on.

I wonder why I have such a hard time. I guess it’s that HSP part in me. I feel too much. Why must I? I don’t like it one bit. Too bad, says the big guy in the sky. That’s who you are. Live with it. And so I must. Everything, no matter how small, that I can do for myself will help. At the end of it, they will be monumental, the very things that can tip an iceberg. So I gotta have heart, keep plugging away and put one foot in front of the other. I’m on the Yellow Brick Road. I want to find the Land of Oz and the Emerald City. I will follow Dorothy and her motley crew- the Scarecrow, The Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. Onward ho!

HEART SONGS

Posted on by
5

I’m grateful for no snow overnight. I just need a little break from shovelling. However, I’ve just looked up the forecast. It is for more snow and frigid temperature. Oh yay! But really, I’m not all that stressed over it. Sheba is pretty cool about it, too. She’s sitting pretty, waiting patiently for her supper. She’s been a super girl the whole week. She’s very good at keeping me up and going and going. Oops! She’s coming over to give me a gentle nudge. I guess she’s earned her supper. We can go for an earier walk after. I find my energy and mood starts to sag about 3 pm.

I guess I needed my rest. Those words from a few days ago. Chinese New Year is a good day to pick them up again. February is heart month and a month for sowing seeds, ideas, hope and love. My goal for this month is to soften, open and expand my heart. I want to lose my cynicism, pessimism and bitterness. I want to do away with my What does it matters. In this life whatever we put out in the universe matters. Every word, thought and action counts. I’m learning and trying to sing new tunes. I’m inspired by Mattie Stepanek. I thought if a 13 year old boy can sing heartsongs, so can I.

I know it will not be easy. Old habits die hard. But if I set the intention I’m more likely to succeed. If nothing else, I am a hopeful person. I am always open to learn from my own mistakes and to wisdom from others. SuperSoulSunday had a great interview of Norman Lear. He’s over 90 years old and have produced many TV shows – All in the Family, The Jeffersons Sanford and Son, Good Times, Maude Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and One Day at a Time. I like what he says when something is over, it is over. Then it’s time to say next!

 

GOOD MEDICINE

Posted on by
1

January is over. I’ve finished posting for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Now I like to write for the Heart Month of February. Writing, photography and posting them are my therapy. I am not a good or professional writer and photographer but I love the practices. I hope I am improving in both as I go along. Like my Bernina sewing machine, I’m made to create. I rid my stress and distress through these expressions. It is better than exploding and imploding.

I woke up last night with a mini panic attack. I had this feeling of breathlessness. My mouth was so dry and my throat tight. I could not take a deep breath. I tried to shrug and laugh it off, rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. It didn’t work. Fear started to creep in. Thoughts of all my COPD patients flashed instantly through my mind. I wondered if I was an empathetic nurse to them. I know that I offered treatment – inhalers, nebulizers, more oxygen. I would call the doctor if all failed. But was I understanding? Was I kind?

Now the shoe is on my foot. I am the patient panicking in the night. I had experienced it once before. It was much worse then. Experience does help. I comforted myself, got up and walked to the kitchen. I put the kettle on for some hot water. I wondered if it could be my sinuses. I looked for my saline mist and my nasonex. I am a patient and a nurse all in one. I slowly walked my kitchen, drinking my hot water. It was calming.

I knew better than trying to go back to sleep right away. I sat up in bed with two pillows behind my back and read. It was a journal from years past. I was always thinking and scribbling, especially when I’m not feeling good. Whether those scribblings of feelings were true or not is debatable. It tells me 2006 was really a hard, hard year. I was coming off celexa and using natural remedies. I’ve forgotten about the St. John’s Worts and 5-HTP.

I can understand why I had stopped reading my journals. I wrote mostly when I was feeling bad. Reading it now, I would say I must have been damned depressed all the time. That is if I didn’t know me. But I do. What I know for sure is that yes, I fucking sure struggled alot. It was worth my while. I remember remarking to a counsellor that every time I filled one of those psychological assessment forms, I feel that I don’t need counselling. I have never felt hopeless. Her observation was it’s a good thing.

It is a good thing, all my struggles. I don’t regret anything. I do feel like a failure at time. Failing is not a bad thing. It gives me a chance to do better. I’ve never been ashamed of my depression. I’ve never hid it. I do talk about it. I’m not being brave. I’m seeking a solution. For the month of February, I’m writing for my heart and brain. I can see from the now vantage point, I have come a long way. I have been off all medications prescribed and natural for depression since 2006. Instead I got Sheba. She is good medicine. But she was hard to raise from 2 months. It took years. Now she is perfect.

AN UNEXAMINED LIFE

Posted on by
2

It is January 31, the last day of the month at last and my last post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m going to give it my all but not die trying. Nothing is worth dying for except maybe my life. What a paradox, eh? I want to call this post What I Know For Sure but I’ve used it a few times already. Still it is a good very phrase, a good handle to jump off.

What I know for sure is I’m not as powerful as I thought. But I’m stronger than I think. Though I thought I have been examining my life, I’ve been just running away and hiding. I’ve been caught in the busyness of tending to other things, other people. Now I’m standing still, facing the last few acts of my drama on this planet. I open the shutters, the closets and drawers of my mind. Everything is full of dust.

I am not daunted. I am not deterred. I roll up my sleeves and got out my elbow grease. I set aside my thoughts and musings for another time. One small thing at a time. Today is that humidifier. I turned it off, lifted the water tank off its base. I’m greeted by slime and calcium deposits, the sludge of being busy with ‘more important’ stuff. I set everything in the kitchen sink. What a bunch of work! I could be scrolling and watching TV instead.

I stood at the sink, examing it all, the humidifier and my thoughts. Plato’s An unexamined life is not worth living played in my head. I have a built in jukebox. It’s sending me a message. So I rolled up my sleeves again, got out the vinegar and a knife. It did not take long, less than 30 minutes. The surprising thing was I enjoyed the process of cleaning, scraping and scrubbing. In my mind I was cleansing my own inner chambers. Maybe it is true that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Clear and clean one, you do the same for the other.

Tomorrow I will tackle the spice drawer. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was full of sugar and everything nice? Not likely. Anyways tomorrow is another day. I can’t handle another word. I’m not made of a thousand words a day. I’m more of a Hallmark greeting card writer. I’m great at one line profundities.

 

NOT MUCH IN THOUGHTS

Posted on by
Reply

Two more days left in the month. It’s another cold one today, like a normal winter’s day. I can handle it. Wake up, get up, dress up and show up. It is that easy. One foot in front of the other. And so on and so forth till the day is done. The day is almost done and I have yet to write my second last post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am not sure I have much to impart tonight.

To make things worse, I’ve just accidentally deleted a profound thought. It’s gone. I can’t get it back. Somethings are like that. They are lost and never to be found. I have to let them go. I am not always successful. I seldom am. I try not to fret over that. Life can be such a merry go round. I am always chasing my tail.

Sheba is fussing, wanting to go to bed. She is on her fat cushion but it is in the living room. It has to be her cushion in the bedroom. So here I am, tapping on my laptop in bed. Sheba is content on hers. I’ve run out of thoughts. I’ll sleep on it. Maybe tomorrow I will have an avalanche of profundity. Good night.

 

 

REFLECTIONS AND MUSES

Posted on by
Reply

January 29, 2019

It is getting late. I wonder what I have to say on this cold day. It was said to be – 40 Celsius with the windchill this morning. Dressed appropriately, I didn’t feel the chill. There was no wind and the sun was out. It’s the kind of weather that I feel best in – cold, still and sunny. Who can ask for anything more? I’m a fool, I know. Sheba is right there with me. She didn’t hesitate stepping out. Our breaths steamed and our footsteps echoed in still chilled air. It is January after all.

I feel cocooned and mellow in this cold. No necessity for a glass of wine. A cup of hot water will do. We Chinese women like our cuppa. It is good to do a cleanse and be in silence and solitude once in awhile. I was in some anxiety and curiosity about how I will do. Now that it is upon me, it feels peaceful and comforting. A heaviness has shifted and a veil lifted. I have time and space for reflection. I like to get acquainted with this person who is me and what her life is worth. Who is she? What are her values? What and who makes her heart sing? Does anyone value her for herself? Worthy questions to reflect on. The cold slows everything down, making time for such ponderings. Maybe it’s why I like it. It gives me an excuse not to rush, not to accomplish, not to do anything. Even though I don’t have to answer to anyone, I still like an excuse.

Sometimes I feel too self absorbed. I like to be more worldly and more expansive and be out there in the world. I like to be a hero, a slayer of demons and dragons. I like to be a righter of all wrongs, a saviour of mankind and our planet earth. However, they are not who I am. I do not possess any of those qualities. This I know. What I do well is musing. I’m not quite sure what it gets me. Perhaps it is too late in the evening to delve into. It’s time to say good night.

 

CHOICES, SABBATICALS, WORDS

Posted on by
Reply

Three more days till the end of January. Three more days till the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I do have alot to say today as in every day. The getting them out is not the easy thing. How do I start? is always the question. How to introduce and lead in, is difficult. There is the natural flow and rhythm of a conversation between people/friends. With some people, I don’t have to think about it. We get together, greet each other and talk happens. It’s effortless.

Other times, I have to give it some careful thought. How do I want the direction of our time together and conversation go? What is the nature of our relationship? How well do I know this person? Do I want to keep the relationship? In the past, I have not practiced due tact and wisdom. I have not been discerning. It is not that I am a blunt and tactless person. I know manners and proper etiquette. I have never told anyone to their face that I hate their guts, or that their outfit is really bad, never mind what their hair looks like. Maybe I would have been better off if I had been THAT honest.

AND to be honest I have to admit, I haven’t won many valentines for being the proper, polite, honest and helpful person that I am. Obviously that hasn’t been working for me. I have started to mend my ways. I try not to be so frigging uptight.  I don’t have to be the proper all the time. I probably ended up doing all the wrong things by trying so hard. I have failed on a few occasions, of course but I am learning. Now, I’ve given in to just tending to myself for awhile. I’m doing little things like sleeping in a bit, taking a little sabbatical from my aerobics class, minding my own business and wearing blinders. I do not want to hear/see any SOS calls. Sometimes I think I’m more powerful than I am. I am NOT powerful at all.

You know what? I’m feeling better already in one week. I wasn’t liking myself. I wasn’t like how I was going about life. Not that I know how to go about it now. I’m taking a sabbatical from knowing, too. I’m just going to chill and observe. I do feel a softness opening up in me. I think I needed this week’s rest from going with the beat and pumping iron. I’ve gotten a few ideas from Jennifer Louden on how to get back my creative flow. I also use the tips for creative living. The tips I got today are:

  1. Relaxing my body before I do anything so that I can be opened to receive creative energy
  2. Taking back time from being addicted to technology for better use.
  3. Choosing an art and doing it – a small project /day. Choose a medium and act on it.

I have chosen words for today. I’ll get into the paint and pencils another day. For the Ultimate Blog Challenge, out and over till tomorrow.