Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

TENDING TO MY WORDS AND GARDEN

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It is after lunch time in Saskatoon. I want to just walk away from the dishes and sink into reading the Jonathan Kellerman mystery book, Heartbreak Hotel and sip my cuppa cardamom tea. The tea is 3-in-one (tea,sugar,cream) given to me by a friend. It’s most delicious and full of good stuff. I have a large jar of the spice to make the tea once the 3-in-one is gone. Now I have another use for it besides cooking and baking. Looking at the pile of messy dishes made me feel squirrely. They look and feel like my messy brain. So I did my 4-7-8 breathing and started scraping dirty plates and putting things back in the fridge. And voila, dishes done!

Now I’m sitting pretty in front of my keyboard. The book still beckons me but I want to start this conversation. I need a hook to get into writing this post on this 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s a warm day. I had such a wonderful experience writing on the deck yesterday. I wanted a repeat and rushed out with my laptop after breakfast of one fried egg with a sprinkle of hemp seeds and a cantaloupe slice. I’m still on track with my meal plans. For lunch I had small portions of brown rice with coconut oil, roast beef and stir fried zucchini, mushrooms and celery and a bit of ferments. I’m feeling some progress – slimmer and less bloating. Or is it wishful thinking?

Once outside, I did my qigong moves to loosen up. Then I got distracted by my garden. The laptop and writing were abandoned on the deck. It was a good thing because the tomatoes have sprung up and out in the last couple of days. I struggled to get them hooped. I am Pretty pleased with their growth. They seem healthier and sturdier than my other years’ tomatoes. I’m looking forward to replenish my tomato sauce supply in the fall.

 

Once in the garden, it is hard to do just one thing. Everything begs for attention – just like Sheba. She lays content in her hollowed out spot in the yard, watching as I prune and pinch the tomatoes, weed the rows of peas and beans and hoe around the squash and goji berries. She’s like a benevolent supervisor. No criticism! Now that we’ve had rain, our water barrels are full again. It took a few trips with the watering can before everything was watered.

Now it is time to tend to my words. I’m committed to walking them. After all, what good are they if I can’t live up to them? I’m taking care not to say any falsehoods or things that need not be said. Why waste my time and words. They are both precious. Till tomorrow.

NOT SO BAD AT ALL!

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At long last, a warm Saturday morning! I am basking in the sunshine, sipping my tea and tapping on my laptop. Sheba is laying at my feet. I feel like tap dancing and breaking out in song. If only I can dance and sing! Never mind, music is playing in my head again. I have to sit and listen to Roger Miller sing before I can go on tapping.

I’m obviously feeling better, eh? It’s good to know that I’m not always down in the dumps, no fun to be around. It’s also important for me to document it as proof. Sometimes I don’t remember or believe myself. It feels absolutely wonderful that I am doing this Ultimate Blog Challenge. This time around, I have a clearer vision of what I want to accomplish using the challenge as a tool. Let me put it down here again.

  1. Be mindful and in the present moment.
  2. Getting up, dressing up and showing up here every day.
  3. Work on content, construction, proof reading of posts.
  4. Striving for improving mental and physical health – eg. losing a few pounds.

What works for me is to do the small of everything. A few words to get an idea  to form. I do not have or work in concrete ideas/forms. I’m one whose head is in the clouds and whose thoughts are as nebulous as the mist. It’s only when I tap on the keyboard, when I see the words march across the screen that I can see my way out of the woods. It’s a big ahah moment. Until I can see and understand my handicap, I can’t make a correction or make an improvement.

Ad libbing, off the cuff will not work for me. I need to put my thoughts into words on a page. I need to brainstorm onto the page. I need to break things into small steps. My brain goes into a soupy fog even thinking of doing the lunch dishes. I want to dump everything and run away. It’s only after I slowly and mindfully start scraping off the plates, loading them into the sink/dishwasher, putting in soap, turning on the water…that my brain starts to relax. My hands and mind connect, gets into a rhythm and somehow the dishes are done. I go, “Well, that wasn’t bad!” I go through this every day.

I can also say that this wasn’t at all bad  for the 6th day of this challenge. I get to do this all over again tomorrow.

 

STOPPING AND STARTING

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Today, instead of breakfast and lunch, I had my whole meal deal in between. I’m rethinking everything – working on being flexible, living my life and staying with the program. I don’t have to give up one thing for another. Having a date with friends for breakfast at 10 am means I cannot go to the 9:30 aerobics class but I could go for a half hour swim at 9. That was my plan. I could skip breakfast and have a full meal later. It would be my breakfast and lunch.

That was my plan. It was a bit iffy in the morning. I felt like hell in the morning, whether if I was really feeling physically yucky or if it was my unconscious excuse of not feeling up to it. You know how it is. I’m always looking forward to something until it comes up. Then there’s a drawing back, a dreading of the thing, wishing I had never thought of it. I had 2 hours to work out my yucks and dreads. First, I took an extra strength tylenol and did my 4-7-8 breathing exercise. Then I sat in meditation with my tea for 20 minutes. I felt somewhat better after.

I proceeded to pack my gym bag as if I am going to go for my swim. I had my slice of honey dew and a teaspoon of coconut oil so that I would have something in my stomach for my medications and vitamins. I felt well enough. I thought I could swim and live to tell about it after all. And I did.  I am glad I pushed myself out the door. I had been a regular Saturday morning swimmer until April. For some reason (most likely a sinus issue) I had stopped. I am like that. Once stopped, I have trouble starting again.

I am just learning not to give myself too hard a time for it. I have a better chance of going back to a good habit/exercise if I show myself compassion instead of bashing. The swim was just what I need. The water warmed my body, soothed and smoothed out the aches and pains. Getting to the pool and into the water gave me a sense of accomplishment. I did not let myself dwell in physcial miseries. I feel confident I can get back to my weekly swim.

I had it all today. My splash in the water, good food and good time with friends. After, Sheba and I did some mindful romping in the dog park. No snacking today and a sensible supper. So ends day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Only 26 more days to go but who’s counting, eh?

LOSING WEIGHT, MAINTAINING RESOLVE

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It’s the Fourth of July. Happy Indepence Day to my American friends and relatives! It’s also the 4th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge where I have commited to show up every day to write a post. It’s too early for me to crow about my success but so far, so good. It was a challenge yesterday to have the inspiration, the content and the fluidity to satisfy myself. I was left feeling dissatisfied and a bit down in the mouth. Then I received a very nice and kind comment from Bing, a content writer and blogger. I am buoyed again.

Breakfast is ate, the kitchen and dining room floors are vacummed. I am here to start my words. It is good to have a routine, a few rituals before I sit myself before the keyboard. A few ideas are percolating in my head while little bits of housework are done. A win win activity. Life works best for me in little bites and blocks. I cannot handle the whole enchilada. I am envious of those who can. I am a small splash in my little pond.

I am inspired and motivated by Karen Sammer, a health coach and fellow blogger on the Challenge to lose 10 pounds. I am sure I would feel better for it. I am not a big person with a lot of weight to lose, but I feel every extra pound because of my height. It has nowhere to go except horizontally. Though I do attend an aerobics class three times a week and walk the dog daily, it is not enough. I need to do more. I need to be mindful of the way I eat. So many things to be mindful of!

It goes to show of how not in the moment I am. It is true that I worry excessively of things not done or mistakes I’ve made. I ponder too much on options and make no decisions at all. I let things decide themselves or others do for me. Today is another wake up moment. I can start with the food I eat. I haven’t done this exercise in mindfulness, thinking it is not a big deal. It is a big deal, to chew and taste the food in my mouth – the flavour and texture before swallowing. After all, I am not Sheba, who wolfs down her kibbles before I had a chance to stand up and turn around.

Just practicing it at breakfast and lunch, I feel more relaxed, losing this sense of rushing. I have time to chew, taste and enjoy. Meals are a time to rejoice and give thanks for the food on our plates. For this month I will give up my toast at breakfast. I will have one fried egg with hemp seeds and a piece of fruit. It’s good so far these 2 days. I’ve experienced no sugar lows before lunch, even on an exercise class morning. For my other meals, I will cut down my portion sizes. I’ve been adding ferments for gut health. I will allow myself a bit of snacking. Being too strict and limiting will cause me to obsesse too much on things I can’t have. I know that about myself.

Now I have a plan. I am pumped again. To tomorrow and the food on our plates!

 

 

STRUGGLING

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Starting anything is such a difficult thing, whether it is writing a post or creating a blog. I’ve been at it for awhile now, starting in 2005 when the Internet was quite new to me. I was introduced to the concept of ‘blog’ by my friend Tom. I struggled and struggled before Lilypad was born. It was little photo stories of my family and heritage. Then I added a few more photo blogs to the site on Blogger. I found Blogger difficult to manoeuver and switched to WordPress in 2012.

So here I am in this space, in the late afternoon, tapping away on the keyboard. I hope I can get into the mood of the words. Though my goal at the beginning was for a thousand words daily, I haven’t achieved it even once. That is not to say, I won’t ever, but it is unlikely. Sometimes we have to modify our goals. I would do well to work for Hallmark Cards. I’m good at index card paintings and writing snippets. But today I am not quite so good at that either.

I’ve had many such days but I still try to show up. I tap on a key. A letter shows up, then a word and somehow a sentence march across my screen. I build a post by one painful sentence at a time. They add up to one paragraph after another. Sometimes a blockade is broken open by an inspiration. Sometimes I struggle to the end. I am struggling today. I am surprised. It is only day 3 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

There is no point in fighting and grappling for words when there is none. Some days are like that. It is time to close shop as they say.

TOOLS AND REMEDIES

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I am one who seldom jumps out of bed with glee and is ready for the day. I roll slowly up and step cautiously onto the floor. I am aware of the stiffness of the hips and ache of my hands. I can’t say I have joy in my heart. I give a big slow sigh and head towards the bathroom. I come out feeling somewhat better seeing the morning sun. I stand before the living room window and watch a rabbit run across the neighbour’s yard across the street. Rabbits are now a common sight. It seems the city is now their home having been forced out of theirs. They are now our new immigrants.

I do my 4-7-8 breathing while I wait for the kettle to boil. I make my tea. I have been doing it for a month now. I have not felt huge changes but I have been sleeping well since. I have been able to go back to sleep easily after bathroom trips in the night. I use this technique for relaxation throughout the day. I’m one who habitually tenses and clenches my body with excitement and stress. It’s proving to be effective.

No two mornings are alike. The words would not come at the first bidding. How could they when my body was stiff and closed? I gave up the struggle and coaxed myself into my qigong routine instead. Sometimes I am most resistant to the thing I most need. Now my body is feeling more open and fluid. My fingers are flying across the keyboard. They are warm, pliant and ache-free. I have to remember this moment for future reference, for the next time obstacles arise.

It is now afternoon again. The sky is cloudy and the winds are blowing. I have the shivers, as if someone is walking across my grave. It is not foreign to me. I give it no importance. I do a cycle of 4-7-8 breathing, quelling fear and goose bumps. It’s hard to feel anything when you are breathing, holding it, breathing out and counting at the same time. It’s a good tool to have, especially when the weather changes constantly through the day. I might as be accepting of this changing patterns. It’s our new norm.

Now that I’ve caught my breath, I try not to let the afternoon blahs overwhelm me. I gather myself, doing the lunch dishes from noon, putting away the car keys in their dish,  and filing my papers from the bank. Doing and moving is soothing. The books I bought from McNally’s are still on the dining room table. The lettuce is picked, washed and spun into salads with hemp seeds and avocado. They await the rest of supper to be made. It’s time to call it a day. I’m sipping my chrysanthemum tea, a Chinese gal’s remedy for all ailments. So ends the 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

MY WHY OF BLOGGING AND CHALLENGES

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Good morning and Happy Canada Day! It’s July 1, the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am going to show up here daily for the next 31 days with my chatterings. I enjoy challenges. They offer me an opportunity to be disciplined and accountable. It’s also a chance to meet and interact with other bloggers. I have a few rules for this space of mine. These are that I be:

  1. Truthful
  2. Respectful
  3. Hopeful
  4. Helpful

What I hope for this month is to get up, dress up and show up each morning. It will be my mindfulness practice of being present and alert before my keyboard, breathing in and out with each tap of on the keyboard. It does take away my thoughts of my morning physical discomforts. I am in the moment of forming thoughts and ideas. I am stretching and reaching with each finger. I am a proper typist. No pecking away with two fingers. I had graduated from Saskatoon Business College way back in the ’70s. I’ve had a class in typing using an IBM Selectric Typewriter. It does not have a moving carriage. The little ball travels back and forth.

It is late in the afternoon. I’ve had a good start in the morning. Making a commitment to write every day gives me structure. Having structure helps my disorganized brain focus and get with the program.  Thoughts just get lost, rattling around in my brain. But if I tap them out here, I can see them in physical form. Then I can act upon them. And act I did. I put some sweat in the garden this morning before it got too hot. Now without the weeds I can clearly see the 2 rows of peas. Much more pleasing to the eye than before. I timed it right as the rains came in the afternoon. This is how I can get things done.

I’ve mentioned more than once or twice about my disorderly moods. This space and challenge has provided me with a purpose to show up and do. I don’t have a business to build or promote. I am not interesting in making money but I am in having a purpose. I can get engaged in constructing hopefully an interesting and informative post. I can converse about what is important and helpful to me. I like to think that I can motivate a reader or two. I will strive for better construction and proof reading. I will work for it. Happy blogging to my fellow bloggers.

LONGINGS AND BELONGING

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Saturday morning, 9:37 but already my eyes are heavy with sleep. The sky is very grey, the air humid and heavy. We had more rain last night. We might again today. It’s not difficult to believe that the earth is coming to an end. We are experiencing weather like we’ve never had before. We cannot deny that there is climate change, can we? I am feeling grey and morose but who can blame me.

It would be easy to curl up with my current read, Educated by Tara Westover. It’s very compelling, hard to put down like Wild by Cheryl Strayed. You might disagree as each reader reads through different eyes and experiences. However, this morning I am practicing discipline. I’m trying hard not to give in to my natural inclination of going with the flow of not being in the present moment, not trying, not doing anything. I’m here with my tea tapping my ponderings of this and that.

What I cannot ignore in this minute is Sheba. She’s laying right next to me. She’s not smelling sweet and hasn’t for a while. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and take her into our walk in shower. It’s not as hard to do as it is thinking about it and smelling her. I have enough time before making lunch.

It’s Sunday morning coming down. I’ll try not to dawdle and dwell in the sad song of Johnny Cash and Kris Kristopherson. After all, I haven’t been out on an all night bender. So let me sit and be here, present and full alert, starting my day.

I’m not much of a to-do list maker, having tried numerous times. It only lasts for a few days. I have more success of showing up here consistently. It’s a good place to ponder and ask questions of myself (and you if you are reading). I often do get insights and answers. Seeing thoughts and questions in writing gives me clarity and objectivity. Sometimes the thoughts in print pushes me into action.

Yesterday was such a case. After having said that Sheba stank and needed a bath badly, I thought why don’t I do it now? I had time before lunch. I did just that. First, I showered and dried Sheba, cleaned the shower and then me -all before lunch. It was a bit physically taxing but rewarding for me. She was sweet smelling and sleek after a good brushing. I’m still brushing today. It’s molting season and there’s endless hair coming out with each brush stroke. Heavy big sigh…

It’s the Canada Day long weekend, a national holiday. I’ve never been a fan of holidays. For me there’s this obligation to celebrate and have a good time. Not that I have anything against either, but you see, I’m an immigrant child of immigrant parents. I know I am no longer a child and I’ve been here much longer than I’ve been in my born country. Still, feelings persist. Feelings of missing my tribe and culture. Growing up in small town, Canada, there was very few of my people in town to gather and celebrate. So this feeling of being left out, looking from the outside into another culture left a gnawing feeling of always longing for belonging.  It is not a bad thing. It’s good to recognize one’s feelings. That longing has led me on a search that has led to many wonderful things.

LESSONS LEARNED

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My two pairs of pants are shortened and hemmed. Hallelujah! Miracles do happen. It was not so difficult after all. I need not have waited 20 years to do it. Lesson learned. Nothing happens when I am frozen with overwhelmed and indecision. They hung in the closet, gathering dust. So any action, even if it is not the best or perfect, is better than none. Now that I’ve tried them on, I think they’re a tad too short. They’re tighter than when I tried them on last week. Ah, the waxing and waning of the waist line! They might have to go into the donation bag after all. But I will see. I can still let the hem down a bit on each. Maybe I can suck in my tummy.  More work but that’s what I get for not trying them on after pinning. Another lesson learned. So many damn lessons!

That was a few days ago. I ran out of steam and words after that short conversation. That’s how it is. Now I’m back to continue. That is the secret – to keep coming back. Life is not smooth sailing. It’s full of starts, delays, holdups, detours, rerouting, restarting, etc. My garden is the same this year. We had hardly any rain till these last weeks in June. Even the weeds were not growing. There was the cool temperatures. Everything was slow. Then there were the birds and bugs that ate what did come up. I lost half a bed of broccoli and 2 rows of beans never showed. Peas and carrots are seeded in the empty spaces. But my bed of greens is excellent. We had plenty of spinach and lettuce. The spinach is done and new seeds put in for a second crop. The onions are standing straight and tall. The kale is coming up.

So that’s how things are. Some things thrive. Some don’t. There’s evil in the world but there’s also alot of good. Just when I’m really down and despondent about our humanity, I learn of people with huge loving hearts and great courage. Trevor Green’s story moved me to tears. Then there’s Melissa Fung’s speaking On What We Owe. That made me put away my small troubles, for a little while at least, and think about the larger world. And I think again about what can I do to help.

 

SUNDAY SUNDAY

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It’s Sunday but I’m hearing the Mamas and the Papas tune Monday Monday in my head. I’m singing Sunday Sunday. It’s a new day and a new week. I’m trying to put a little oomph into my tank. I was so sleepy yesterday with the rain that it was hard to stay awake. Taking Sheba out for her walk and baking rhubarb muffins for our community garden barbecue was torturous. I kept with the program and succeeded. It was no small feat – for me.

I’m feeling like molasses in winter this morning. Not wanting to fall victim to my physiology, I’m showing up here to tap, record and hold myself accountable. I’m doing things that needs doing as they show themselves to me. So, Sheba’s teeth are brushed, something she would not allow not so long ago. We’re both mellowing. I’m more patient, allowing her time to get acquainted with the finger brush. Peanut buttered tooth paste helps a lot. It’s shedding season. Clumps of fur are hanging loose on her butt. Clearly she needs a good brush out. That being done, the garbage bag (and my clothes) is now half full of her hair.

It is not a bad start to my morning. My eyes are heavy with sleepiness. I might have to get up and make myself a cup of tea. I hope to get 2 pairs of pants shortened and hemmed today. I’ve taken them out of the closet for over a week for that purpose. I bought them over 20 years ago and never worn. They still fit except for the length, of course. Well, it’s better late than never. Should I give myself a star when they’re done? Maybe it’s not a bad idea to start a chart for things accomplished.

So now it is evening. Sheba and I have just come in from our walk. A beautiful walk it is, too. The sun is still out. The air warm. All the lawns are so green after two days of rain. I haven’t quite got everything done that I’ve set out for the day. But the 2 pairs of pants are shortened and almost hemmed. You have to be flexible about these things. And I am, as flexible as a wet noodle. If a thing can keep for the morrow, I don’t sweat it.

We had a good turnout for the Community Garden barbecue. There was a few raindrops but it quickly passed. Then it was sunshine all the way. It was nice to match up the faces to the numbered garden plots and get acquainted with each other. It was good food, good company and scenery. Sunday Sunday was certainly good to me.