LONGINGS AND BELONGING

Saturday morning, 9:37 but already my eyes are heavy with sleep. The sky is very grey, the air humid and heavy. We had more rain last night. We might again today. It’s not difficult to believe that the earth is coming to an end. We are experiencing weather like we’ve never had before. We cannot deny that there is climate change, can we? I am feeling grey and morose but who can blame me.

It would be easy to curl up with my current read, Educated by Tara Westover. It’s very compelling, hard to put down like Wild by Cheryl Strayed. You might disagree as each reader reads through different eyes and experiences. However, this morning I am practicing discipline. I’m trying hard not to give in to my natural inclination of going with the flow of not being in the present moment, not trying, not doing anything. I’m here with my tea tapping my ponderings of this and that.

What I cannot ignore in this minute is Sheba. She’s laying right next to me. She’s not smelling sweet and hasn’t for a while. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and take her into our walk in shower. It’s not as hard to do as it is thinking about it and smelling her. I have enough time before making lunch.


It’s Sunday morning coming down. I’ll try not to dawdle and dwell in the sad song of Johnny Cash and Kris Kristopherson. After all, I haven’t been out on an all night bender. So let me sit and be here, present and full alert, starting my day.

I’m not much of a to-do list maker, having tried numerous times. It only lasts for a few days. I have more success of showing up here consistently. It’s a good place to ponder and ask questions of myself (and you if you are reading). I often do get insights and answers. Seeing thoughts and questions in writing gives me clarity and objectivity. Sometimes the thoughts in print pushes me into action.

Yesterday was such a case. After having said that Sheba stank and needed a bath badly, I thought why don’t I do it now? I had time before lunch. I did just that. First, I showered and dried Sheba, cleaned the shower and then me -all before lunch. It was a bit physically taxing but rewarding for me. She was sweet smelling and sleek after a good brushing. I’m still brushing today. It’s molting season and there’s endless hair coming out with each brush stroke. Heavy big sigh…

It’s the Canada Day long weekend, a national holiday. I’ve never been a fan of holidays. For me there’s this obligation to celebrate and have a good time. Not that I have anything against either, but you see, I’m an immigrant child of immigrant parents. I know I am no longer a child and I’ve been here much longer than I’ve been in my born country. Still, feelings persist. Feelings of missing my tribe and culture. Growing up in small town, Canada, there was very few of my people in town to gather and celebrate. So this feeling of being left out, looking from the outside into another culture left a gnawing feeling of always longing for belonging.  It is not a bad thing. It’s good to recognize one’s feelings. That longing has led me on a search that has led to many wonderful things.

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