Monthly Archives: May 2025

Last Day

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It’s the last day of May and what have I to show? Not alot but I thought I should show up and wrap up the month of May. It is hard to be cheerful and optimistic when the world is a fire hazard. The other day our premier declared a state of emergency after Manitoba declares provincewide state of emergency over wildfires. Yesterday our sky was grey. There was no sun. The air was acrid with smoke. The air quality index was 11. Today the sun came through but so did the smoke. The air qulaity index right at the moment is 9 which is worse than same time last night. I hope it’s not the trend for the summer.

I’m hoping for rain. We’ve only had 2 rains this year. We’re lucky we have many rain catchments. It helps to water the greenhouse, fill the raised beds and water the garden. When life gets hard, I resort to turning on the city water. It’s easier and faster. I know we won’t have enough water in our catchments. I’m being smart, saving my energy on days when I don’t have any. We are so dry this year, the elm trees are putting out tons of seeds. It was windy yesterday, creating a windfall of elm seeds. It looked like a snow storm. There’s piles of it everywhere.

What else can I say about May? Oh, yes, my goal was to use May to develope better habits. And I have! Isn’t that wonderful? I’ve read Atomic Habits before. What I used from it was to keep things easy and simple. B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits is the real game changer for me. It has the same principles but much more. I don’t know how to go into the specifics now. Maybe I can in June. James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits actually took the Tiny Habits course before writing his book. That goes to show how good it is.

I think this is enough chatter for now. It is getting late. Keeping it short and simple, good night.

Our Mothers

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Our mothers, who art in heaven. Hallowed be their names. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

There’s not a day that I don’t think of my mother. It seems like the world and I have changed with her passing. She’s no longer here to save my day. I’ve been having to do it on my own. It hasn’t been easy. Some days are harder than others. The hard part is running into her friends at the mall. They miss her. It is sad to see their misty eyes. It is hard to hear them say, I have maybe 2 years left. It is also good to talk and coffee with them. They feel like my friends now.

The other day, I received the sad news that mom’s very good friend has passed away. We had known her forever. She was like family. She had helped us so much when we first moved to Saskatoon.She showed mom the ins and outs of Saskatoon. She helped mom find work at a greenhouse and later at a sewing factory. I thought she and mom would be here forever. But now they’re both gone. It is the natural order of things. I feel my world shrinking, people leaving one by one. Still, I’m comforted that they’ve left their physical pain behind. I hope they find each other and am enjoying a cup of heavenly tea.

Staying Alive

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A restless, uneasy morning. Another one of my sad sack moody days. Let’s see if I can tap away my mood in tiny bits and pieces. I feel the urge for a cup of decaf. I’ve already drank 2 large cups of Orange Pekoe tea. Is it the tea and coffee that I crave? Or is it the cream and honey that I put in them? I suspect it’s the latter. Some days I drink up to 5 cups of tea and decaf. Too much for my liking. The more I drink, the more I crave. It’s hard to stop. Using the knowledge that I’ve learned from Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything I made myself a healthier cup of dandelion tea instead. I will use the feeling of craving for another cup of decaf as a prompt to make a cup of herbal tea instead.

Yesterday was hard. I found it difficult to finish writing so I didn’t. I felt bad, a physical and psychological pain at the same time. It might be hard for you to fathom that. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was not feeling good. I saw no purpose, no joy. I want to escape. If I could push a button and disappear, I would. Have you ever felt like that? I wonder if there was a blip in my brain chemistry. I knew it would pass. I put one foot in front of the other and carried on. I pretended I was John Travolta dancing to the tune of Staying Alive.

My brain blip did pass shortly after I had my afternoon visit with my father. I put in an effort. I couldn’t very well let everything hang out. It was good to see my father in a chipper mood. He is also putting in an effort. He is looking a little trimmer following my advice of cutting back on the rice and the leftovers. I told him it’s better to throw out a little bit instead of eating it because he didn’t want to waste. I am surprised that he listens to me on this and other matters. It goes to show that no matter how old you are, you can still change. My father will be coming 94 in July.

I can change, too. I’ve only had one cup of decaf yesterday and today instead of my usual 3 or 4. When my brain is wanting another cup, I make a cup of dandelion tea. i wasn’t able to draw a teacup yesterday for #the100dayproject. Not sure if I can today either. I will see. I am tired. I did a whole whack of gardening and weeding today. It is a good tired. I am staying alive.

Another Teacup but No Tomatoes Today

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There’s no tomato planting for me today. Not even one. Instead, I planted 4 celery seedlings in the front yard raised bed. It was easier. I am super tired. It is ok to scale back and do less. Not that I have done less. Once I start moving, I don’t know how to stop. I do try to do easier things but they still add up.

I consider not writing today but I have the momentum. Stopping could lead to stopping. So here I am, tapping out a few words. I am feeling a tad sad besides tired. My father and I had a short walk this afternoon. It was a beautiful sunny day. He did well using his cane instead of a walker. After our walk, I weeded my mother’s flower beds while he sat on the front steps. There’s an abundance of snapdragons popping up in both beds. They have self seeded. I watered the beds to help the marigolds and petunias to show themselves, too. We had left last year’s growth on the beds the way my mother did so they would seed themselves. They always do. I’m missing my mother.

My words are not flowing. It happens. I do not stress it. I am not writing a literary masterpiece. I am just easing my mind and keeping up a good habit of showing up. I feel good that I am able to do so. I feel good about my teacup for today’s #the100dayproject. I’m on day 85. 15 more days to go. The series of teacups are turning out better than I expected. Someone asked if she could buy a few of them. It made me super happy even though I could not sell her any. My teacups are drawn and painted in my journal, not a format for sales. Still, it’s a good reason to celebrate.

Then There Was Five – Feeling Good

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Buoyed by yesterdays’s success of doing small, I was able to plant 3 more tomato plants with kosy coats. Now there’s 5 in a row. I feel pretty good and proud of myself for the deed. I can give myself another thumbs up. Let’s make it 5  👍👍👍👍👍. It’s not often that I give myself much credit. It’s not often that I’m conscious of what good feels like either. Now I know. It feels good to see the 5 red kosy coats in a row. The tomatoes love it, thriving already inside the warmth.

I love sitting in the sunroom facing the dining room and looking out the living room window. I see the trees framed by the bay window. There’s something about the afternoon sunlight on the green of the leaves that is so pleasing. I sit and savour the feeling goodness of it. I’m waking up and feeling the good vibes. It’s a good place to end the day.

One Tomato, Two Tomato – Doing the Hard Stuff

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I’m a great gatherer of information. I seldom put them to use. It’s no wonder that I’m stuck, finding myself in the same ruts, year after year. I mutter and moan the same old, same old. I set goals, I write about them but somehow the doing gets left behind. Here I am again, at my keyboard. This time, it is a little different. I am doing, using information gathered from B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything. It’s working for me. Hooray!

I’m applying the idea of doing small to my gardening. I am struggling this year. I still have alot of tomato seedlings to plant and it is still cool. I have kosy coats for them but it is very labour intensive when you have to do dozens of them. So using Fogg’s example of flossing one tooth to establish his habit, I decided that I could just plant one tomato with a kosy coat. It didn’t feel so daunting when it is just one. It wasn’t hard and I ended up doing two. I felt pretty good after. I’m confident I could do it again tomorrow. Maybe I could do 4 tomatoes.

There’s nothing like success to make a person feel good. I like it. It helped me to seed another raised bed with more lettuce, spinach, Asian greens and radishes. I’m hoping successive seeding will keep us in salad greens all summer. I finished my day of gardening by spreading 4 bags of manure on 2 raised beds. Enough for one day. I am happy.

Life Hacks

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I’m hacking through the month of May, working on developing good habits and ridding bad ones. i’m feeling pretty good about my efforts and results. I have to give myself a thumbs up 👍 to celebrate. Did you know that what makes a habit stick is not repetition or amount of time spent on it? I didn’t. According to B.J. Fogg, author of Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Changes Everything, emotions create habits. We want to create feelings to wire in the habits that we want in our lives. He found that celebration is the best way to create a positive feeling that wires in our new habits.

I haven’t been big on celebration. I’m not for fanfare. It’s a quirk in my personality. Maybe I feel I don’t deserve it or it could be I wasn’t brought up in such a fashion. All that stuff does make me uncomfortable. I’m learning I can celebrate on a smaller and quieter scale. Then I can gradually work it up to balloons and noise makers. A thumbs up is not a big deal and is very quiet. I like feeling good. I will keep a watch out for those feeling good vibes and build on them. It’s a good hack. Who doesn’t want an easier time?

Wanting an easier time, I’m keeping things small, simple and easy. I’m remembering to celebrate small victories. Tomorrow is another day.

Small bites

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A super grey cool day with drizzles. The drizzles are welcome, no matter how small. They’re much needed moisture. However, the grey and cool are not conducive for cheer and action. I am in a grey slump, not jumping up and down with excitement nor smiling with glee. I am feeling glum and being negative. There is no point in putting on a phony face. I do apologize for my negativity but I thought it is okay to feel not okay and face and accept what is here.

I am not a total ‘loser’ for lack of a better word. Though I feel lackluster, I am not inert. I still have a bit of life force in me. I’ve been reading Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B.J. Fogg. It lit up a small spark in me on this dreary day. I’m already a fan of doing small and doing easy. This book is a great addition to what I have already learned from Atomic Habits.

Rainy days are good for falling asleep and not so good for for finishing posts/projects or for starting them as you can see. I’ve come back to finish what I started yesterday. This way I can honestly say I’m writing every day. Chocolate cake and a coffee does help to wake me up a bit. Writing on doing small and easy and tiny habits do push me to test out the idea of tiny. A bunch of tinys do add up. They have the potential of becoming something big. On difficult and/or rainy days when tasks look monumentally difficult, taking small bites works better than trying to tackle the whole thing.

It works for me. That is how I am getting through the days of this difficult year. Today, I’ve meditated and wrote my morning pages. Last night’s supper dishes and today’s breakfast dishes were done after breakfast. That’s how I start the morning. It starts me up. Then I cosy up with a cup of tea and some reading. We took my father out for lunch. It gets us all out of the house on a grey rainy day. It’s cheery to eat in a restaurant full of other diners. Dad gets a walk in the mall after. Takes his mind off his shingles. The pain is not too bad. He is on tylenol and can sleep and nap despite the discomfort. I feel I’m doing a good job as a daughter with short time spent.

The afternoon is peaceful. I seed a small pot of broccoli and another of brussels sprouts. They will germinate fairly quickly. Our spring is none too warm yet. I’ve painted my teacup for the #the100dayproject. I’ve bagged up some old clothes for the garbage. Then I’m out in the yard, pulling a few of those darned creeping bell flowers. After all the digging up I did last summer, they are creeping up again. I’m applying doing small and easy on them. I will see where that gets me. I’m going to learn how to live with them wisely. And that is not killing myself trying to obliterate them.

What is

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Some days I like to give up and give in to my desire to just sit and be. It feels like such a luxury and it is these days. Still I wish but wishes are horses even on a Sunday. Shortly after breakfast, I received a text from my sister saying that our father does not appear to have had a shingles vaccine. He has pain around his belly where he’s been scratching. His blood pressure is 200/100. Do I have time to help her take him to the mediclinic?

So off we went to the mediclinic – again. It’s been like that for us this past year. We are frequent flyers with our father since our mother’s passing. The good thing is that we don’t have to wait long since he’s over 90. We get in right away. He does have shingles even though he did get the vaccine in 2020. His blood pressure was down in the clinic. It was a quick trip. We were in and out with a prescription for antivirals and ointment for a few red spots and scratches on the side of his belly. The pain was not too bad, my father says. It felt like ants gnawing. I’m praying it will pass quickly and uneventfully.

We are fortunate to have our parents for so long, losing mom just last year. There’s a price. Their health fragile in these late years, requiring many medical appointments. It seems so difficult to have long periods of peace nowadays. I do hate when the phone rings. I’ve reconciled myself to that’s what life is now. Accept and proceed day by day and do the best I can. I can do that.

Ups and Downs

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I wonder when the sun will come out again. Will it rain again? Our earth is very dry and thirsty. It’s hard to be hopeful in today’s climate. I envy the toddlers toddling about, laughing and jabbering, impervious to the clouds and the cool. When did we lose this ability? Can we get it back? And how do we go about it, if we can?

I am not holding my breath, waiting for answers. I’m feeling a little stuck again. I don’t want to stay there. I do the dishes. I warm up our lunch. We eat. I do the dishes again. I hang up the laundry. I potted up the snowpeas I’ve germinated for the community garden – all 100 of them. While they continue their germination journey in the potting soil, I will gather my strength and plan how to plant our plot for its best and possible last year there. It’s time to do a little downsizing for our advancing years.

Downsizing is no small thing. It’s a big challenge. When I was young, the house and yard were never too big even though there was only one of me. Now that there are 2 of us, it’s enough. I am older and not craving more of everything. We could do with less. It would mean less space to clean and less space to collect stuff we don’t need. We have what we have in space but we don’t have to keep all the stuff.

Ridding what we don’t need is not an easy thing. It is a slow process for me but I did start today with some of my mother’s stuff. The thing to do is not to handle, examine too much. Bag them up quickly with no hesitation. Otherwise, memories and attachment form. I almost hung on to 2 pairs of mom’s shoes by trying them on. They fit and look almost new. Then I remember I already have too many shoes. I quickly put them back in the box and into the bag with her 2 purses.

It’s another day or what is left of it. I feel as if I’ve lost and squandered most of today. I did not meditate nor journal this morning. Instead I was scrolling through the many shared Jan Arden’s video on Alberta’s want to separate from Canada. The many comments slamming Jan was not good for my spirit. It coloured my day and did not help my already tired body and soul.

I am afraid I was a sad sack though I try not to show or dwell on it. I pushed through it with physical activity. Now I’m trying to be kind to myself. Chocolate cake does help. I remind myself that I am just a human being, flawed and complaining all the while. It’s hard to suffer in silence.