Monthly Archives: January 2020

ON THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE

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I think I’m back on the train to nowhere again, at least for a little while. It’s nice to be at a standstill and get off the merry-go-round. It’s good to stop the spinning out of control, sit in my comforty chair, put my feet up and let my socks drop wherever they may. Who cares? It’s just be me, dropping one little care at a time.

I took most of the day off, can you believe it? Oh, I had to do a thing or two, like getting my car serviced. It’s been a year and 5 months since the last oil change. It was a must. As usual I got into a knot over it, doing the dreading it even in my sleep. But that’s me again. In my heart I knew it was a lot worse in my head than in reality. And it was. And I knew I would have a little trouble getting to the car dealership. That’s me also. So I didn’t sweat it too much when I got a bit off course and had to circle around. That’s what I do. It’s no catastrophe.

I had a pleasant hour plus wait for my car. It was a little disconcerting at first. People coming, going and talking. There was about 4 or 5 of us in the waiting room. We were all on our phones, with different body parts tapping, twitching, moving in various ways. I tried to read my murder mystery I bought along for the wait. It was difficult at first with so much visual and auditory stimuli around. It was the perfect setting to work on my concentration and focus.

I was not too hopeful for success but I surprised myself. I put my phone away,  opened my book and read and read – for an hour. Then Carl, my service advisor came and said my car was ready. Everything passed inspection. Just an oil change. Nothing else. Just $63.00 thank you very much. I was pleased as punch and skipped home in my just oiled and washed car.

I like this experience of sitting, resting, waiting, reading. So I fretted some. I got lost some. No big deal. I like dropping my socks wherever. I’m like that. So ends another day, day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Ten days left but who’s counting.

NOTHINGNESS AND LISTS

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I played hookey today and enjoyed a bit of nothing. It’s quite hard to do – this nothingness. Have you ever tried? I used to be quite good at languishing but now I have to work at it. I have to think about it, make a conscious effort just to relax and idle. I planned it last night. I decided that I was going to skip the exercise class in the morning and rest. I feel something, perhaps a cold, coming on. The guy has a sore throat. I have a bit of the shivers, perhaps in sympathy.

I can’t call today  a total success. Rest and nothing are hard to do. Perhaps I sat and read my murder mystery an hour at the most. I used to be able to sit and read for hours. Now, my concentration and attention are fractured and splintered into minutes and seconds. Try sitting in silence for 5 minutes. It’s long. I have no trouble with a 20 minute sitting meditation because I am guided by Mark Williams’ voice. Even then, my mind wanders off in many directions. I am comforted by the fact that it’s called a practice.

As for making lists like I said yesterday, my lists are in my head. 1)I tended to my most pressing thing in the morning. I should get points for that. 2)I cleared off my dining room table. I feel better even if I put everything that was on it in a basket. 3)I sorted one file and shredded the outdated material. I think that’s enough for one day. My hair was standing on end after that one. Ugh! I’m letting Sheba take us out again on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow is another day.

 

THE WAY I AM

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There’s no denying myself. I am what I am though I would like to be a little different. I would like to be more organized, tidier, more timely, more mellow, more energetic, more of many things. I said I would like to be. I did not say I aspire. If I did, I would be more successful than just wishing for. One does not get by yearning. One must do.

I must learn to aspire to do whatever I wish for. Or else I must accept my repeated echoes of my daily failures – wishing for a different outcome by doing the same thing. It is what Dr. Phil and other head doctors call insanity. It seems simple enough. Change what I do. But is it that simple? So easy to fall back into the default mode, doing the same old, same old. What to do next?

It would help to make a list of changes I want to see. Make one change at a time and work on it for a week. Then add another change and work on it for a week. And so on and on. I must get on it tomorrow and make my list. Then proceed from there, building one thing at a time and adding on. I can do it. The alternative is living in daily disarray, wasting time and energy looking and searching for things, trying to get on top of the game, feeling guilty, feeling incompetitent, feeling lousy, feeling d-r-a-g-g-e-d out. You get the picture.

I aspire to be organized, tidy, focused and on top of things so I can relax and have some nothing times. I aspire to have some empty times when I’m not thinking of ‘doing’ constantly. The only time I’m not doing is 20 minutes in the morning when I’m meditating. I want MORE. There! The end of day 19 of UBC and another video featuring Sheba.

BEING TRUE TO MYSELF

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Dang! It’s late afternoon already. Where did the day go? I’m repeating myself again but what else can I do? I had high hopes of ‘time to myself’, some time to bask in nothingness. That got dashed but I can’t really tell you what I’ve done with my day besides fretting. I would be so much happier if I could have control of what other people do. If only they could respond the way of my heart. They don’t.

Not to be totally negative, I had a lovely morning swim. I’m never tickled to be heading out in the cold and dark. But when I’m in the car heading down the back alley, I feel peace and calm settling around me. It’s as if I’m wrapped in that warm grey blanket. I’m leaving while the rest of the world slumbers. No matter how irritible and cranky I may feel now, my brain is soothed by that picture. There really is nothing that I must do or places that I have to be.

I’ll just linger and rest here for a little while. It’s good to slow my thoughts and let things sit. It’s difficult to be true to myself whilst being distracted by everything and anything. I have to turn off the noise and listen to the quiet. To ease my way out of this 18th day of the UBC, I leave you with My Blue Skies slide show. I made this video when I started going to the Sutherland Beach Park with Sheba. She was a young lass then. It was the first time I started looking up and noticed how blue the sky. Imagine that!

CHANGING STATIONS

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It’s not a good idea to come to the keyboard at the end of the day. Nevertheless it is what it is. I’m here at the end of the day, tired and a little bluesy. I’m hoping for inspiration and a few worthwhile words. I’m thinking of skipping my Saturday morning swim. But I’ve packed my gear to be ready. There’s really no good reason for me not to go except that I’m feeling a bit maudlin. I get like that from time to time.

I have no good reason for it except that I’m a bit tired. AND I’ve absorbed some bad energy from my Sourdough Bread Baking Group on Facebook. I’m sure you’re scratching your head. How could that be  – from bread? Me, too, I’m scratching, but one comment led to another. You know how those online things could get. Out of control! So I turned off the notifications till the sourness is neutralized somehow. It seems I don’t have much protection against such energy. I have to build stronger walls.

Our exercise class this morning was a stations circuit workout. Our instructor set up different exercise ‘stations’ in the gym. We spend one minute doing an exercise. At the end of the minute, the instructor calls out ‘Change station!’ We move on to the next station and a different workout, and so on and on till the end. It’s a good system to ensure a well rounded workout. I think I could use this model of changing stations in my every day life.

I need to hear that signal that it is time to change my train of thought or emotions. Stop dwelling on things that doesn’t work. I could do anything that can interrupt or derail the train of thought or emotion. Whatever works – hula hoop, play with Sheba, plant some seeds, watch a video. Last January I made this video using CLIPS on my iphone. Watching it again now lifted my maudlin self. I want to go swimming in the morning. So ends day 17 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

OF HEARTH AND HOME

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This little train doesn’t go far from home. I’m a bit of a homebody, enjoying the comfort and ease of not wandering afar. I do feel somewhat lacking when almost everybody wants to escape to somewhere else – Mexico, Cuba, Arizona, Kansas City. And here I am, feeling a bit amiss. I feel as if I should be somewhere else. Everywhere I go, I hear people talking of going south. In the locker room the other day, I heard women talking about air flights and rooms costing only $79 US/night. Should I be going somewhere, anywhere? I really should put those feelings to rest and be comfortable with where and who I am.

The fact is I like being home at my keyboard. I like tapping out my words and thoughts. I love curling up and reading a book. My Bernina sewing machine, my paints and easel and the fireplace have been calling me. If only I could make the time for them. The day goes by so quickly. I wonder why I worry so much about not going somewhere else. I love being home – baking bread, making kimchi, watching Sheba sleep.  Why do I feel my life lacks compared to others? Why am I looking out instead of within?

My wheels are turning. I haven’t found all the answers yet but I have a better awareness of my behaviour and feelings. I have an inkling of my problem and what direction this train should be heading – and it’s toward more light heartedness. I can have fun. Here’s the proof, 39 seconds of hula hoop fun. My goal is 1 minute.

 

 

 

RIDING THE BUDDHIST BUS

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A bright sunny January afternoon. The temperature is still frigid at – 32 C. No complaints from me. I’m enjoying the last of the afternoon sun, tapping on my keyboard and sipping on a decaf. My busy Wednesday is over for another week. I’m doing proud. I’m staying on top of things. With a temperature of -36 C this morning, I did entertain thoughts of staying in pjs, having cups of hot chocolate and staying home.

I didn’t. I dressed up, bagged up and did the gym thing. I could have been more enthusiastic but I wasn’t. It didn’t affect the results. It was a good workout. Lots of sweats without smiles. Then it was home to cook some rice in the Instant Pot, throw some hamburgers on the frying pan and tossed a couple of slaw salads. I make do with what I have. I surprised myself with how organized I was. I caught the Number 6 bus to the U of S without having to run for it.

I’m making progress! Half way through the month/challenge, I have not faltered. I’m dotting all my i’s and crossing all my t’s. It feels good to pay attention to details, rules and such. I aspire to be as calm and unrushed as the instructor for my class on Buddhism. Even though someone banged on the classroom door, poked her head in and loudly ask if he will be done in 10 minutes, he kept his calm demeanor. Was not upset. Did not rush but calmly finished within the time. He is a Buddhist as well as an instructor.

It is very helpful to have a living person to emulate. More so when he is right in front of me. I’m paying attention, trying to catch all his words. It’s a perfect place to practice focus and listen. My mind tends to wander and meander every which way. Has it always been this bad? I find it difficult to concentrate. My ears are listening in different directions, my mind and brain thinking in another.

EXTREME COLD THOUGHTS

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I like the idea that life doesn’t have to be hard. I wonder if I’ve made it difficult for myself by thinking that it is. In The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck begins with “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.” I know that it is true, but is there more to it than that naked statement. I will have to reread the book to see what else he has to say. Oh boy, another book to the list! I’m up for it. It will make the winter interesting and go fast. No time to complain about the cold.

The radio said it was – 34 C this morning. It is now sitting up a balmy -29 at 4 pm. It will go down again tonight and tomorrow morning the forecast is -36 C. If you don’t like winter or the cold, it could be hard. There’s that extra clothes and paraphernalia to put on before going out. Everything slows down. It takes longer to get anywhere and do anything. There’s snow to shovel. It’s cold out. There’s the dog to walk. It’s cold out. Water mains break. Then there’s no water. There’s snow and it’s cold out.

I look at this as a blessing, a gift in disguise. I can slow down and relax. I can move to the rhythm of the season. Mornings, I can snuggle just a little bit longer in the warmth of the bed, sip an extra cup of tea, not get out of my pjs if I don’t want to. I can do that. I’m retired. We had a water main break and no water on Sunday. I was in the middle of making sourdough bread. Oh boy! was what went through my mind. I was thinking of kneading dough and icky hands. We had some water in a couple of kettles for immediate use. My brother is a couple of blocks away. We got enough from him. It was fixed the same day and we got water again by 5 pm.

I discovered that I could make do with little water. I am resourceful but how often do I turn the tap on without thinking? A disruption of life as usual need not be a hardship. It’s a  good wake up call to live differently – maybe even to live in a more easeful fashion. Sometimes I fuss and fret over nothing. The cold is good for stopping all that in their tracks. I like to live in the slow lane. The car is going as fast and safely as it can at this temperature. Don’t push it. And to be wise and safe, Sheba and I just trotted a few blocks around the ‘hood. We are old gals. No point in trying to prove we’re not.

So ends my mumblings for day 14 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Sorry if it is a bit disjointed and jarring. Though I’m thriving in this cold, it is a little numbing in the head. I had been out for lunch with my fellow retired and still working nurses.  I had just come back from galavanting with Sheba.

WHY I LIKE WINTER

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It’s dang cold out, perfect weather for dreaming of spring and all green things. I’m all ready to seed a few tomatoes, petunias, geraniums and microgreens. Then there’s the two marijuana my brother gave me. Now that they are legal, I’ve lost interest.  But since I got them, I might as well plant them. I just have to take the time to do all this.

I like winter. I don’t mind the cold. It was perfect weather for baking sourdough bread today. I fired up the oven to 500 degrees F to start the process. Everything gets toasty warm. Soon the house is infused with the aroma of bread and I’m mellow. Who could ask for anything more? On cold winter days, I think of the glow of the grow lights and bread baking. I feel toasty and comfy inside out.

I will complain about the cold, too. Everybody does and so I do too, to commiserate and not to feel like an odd ball. Cold days are good for curling up in the sunroom with a book. I don’t mind going out in the cold. Sheba and I trot out every day in our furs. We both like black. There’s so much more of fashion with winter – the scarfs, mitts, hats, toques. I love wearing sweaters and vests. Think what you would miss in a hot climate. You get to wear less of everything.

Oh, I should not crow too much about winter. The high tomorrow is -30 C. So better cover up your bosoms, girls. Not exactly tanning season but it is going to be sunny. I might change my tune after this week. It happens with too much of a good thing. Good night to day 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

TAKING THE QUIET TRAIN

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Apparently I’m having trouble writing for Day 12 of my writing challenge. I’ve left it too late in the day. Now I am tired. Spent the day on phase 1 of making sourdough bread. It’s a long, complicated process. To make it worse, we had a water outage from 10:30 to late afternoon. I had to stretch my water supply from my brother. Lucky he lives close by and on a different water line. So here I am, scratching my head, trying to find some words.

Someone just told me that Environment Canada has issued an extremely cold warning. Ugh! I knew something was up – a change in the weather again. I can always feel it in my bones. Here I go again, blaming the weather. I might as well. It’s nothing personal. If I blame people, they take offence. I have trouble keeping my thoughts to myself. I think it would be good if I learn to keep my thoughts to myself more. If it serves no purpose at all,  those thoughts should be silent. It is a bad habit that I talk so much. It’s a leftover fault from years of being a nurse.

It might be hard to believe but I was a very shy and quiet person. Then I became a working person – a waitress, steno and lastly a nurse. All of these professions are in the service sector. It’s obvious as a waitress that I had to be social and engaging with customers. I was a steno in the Dept. of Indian and Northern Affairs. It was a large department, consisting of 40 employees. I was a steno in the education section. My job was to issue education allowances for the post secondary students. My desk was right in the steno pool besides the xerox machine. It was a high traffic area. I got to chitchat alot. As a nurse, I worked in a large teaching hospital. Just think of the staff – the nurses, doctors, lab people, medical students, nursing students, cleaning staff, consultants, physio staff, rehab staff…… So you see, I had to chit chat with a lot of people. And I did.

Even after 6 years of retirement, I still have this gift for gab. It’s not all good. It’s not all bad. I just see now that I have to sort them out, which to keep, which to toss. I don’t have to voice everything that pops into my head or mouth. I’ve been accused of giving voice to stuff that other people would only think. That is unkind and not true. I have better judgement than that but then maybe fatigue could cloud thinking and loosen tongue. I think maybe that was a voice of jealousy and envy. But I am grateful for that voice. I pay attention.