Monthly Archives: January 2019

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

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January 11, 2019  6:45 pm

Life happens. Interruptions happen. Goals and intentions get redirected, altered or delayed. That’s how it always is. So why does it take me so long to see that? You know I like to dig to the root of things. But all I can find is a bunch of sayings about hindsight.

“It’s so difficult, isn’t it? To see what’s going on when you’re in the absolute middle of something? It’s only with hindsight we can see things for what they are.” 
― S.J. Watson

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.”
― Roger Zelazny

“We go through the present blindfolded… Only later, when the blindfold is removed and we examine the past, do we realise what we’ve been through and understand what it means. ” 
― Milan Kundera

I guess the moral of the story is in Bob Marley’s word is, don’t worry, be happy. Everything is going to be alright.

It makes sense to me. I will not search for reasons any more tonight. Who knows what the morrow shall bring? I shall finish my glass of wine and be happy. Good night for this 11th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

MAKING AND TAKING TIME

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January 10, 2019  9:53 am

I’ve made very good time this morning. I set my timer to do my Morning Pages for 30 minutes and wrote long hand on whatever came into my mind. I got my 3 pages within that time. Problems and angsts are not a bad thing. They are fuel for thought and words on the page. The exercise is the DustBuster for my brain. It clears up all the nagging guilt, shoulds and coulds. Want to give it a try?

I have a chicken carcass souping in the Instant Pot. I’ve been feeling like hell in the mornings lately. Every inch of my body is stiff and hurting. I am taking time to resume my long abandoned qigong routine. Movement helps the aches. I’m just lazy and stupid not doing the practice. I have a couple of  Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee quigong DVDs. They’re beautifully done and easy to follow. 40 minutes is time well spent. Too bad they are no longer a couple.

6:37 pm

I’ve chipped away at my day. Doing in little blocks of time works best for me. The floors are vacuumed, the dishes done, the laundry washed and hung. I still feel hellish but if I give in to my aches and pain, the dog hairs will irk me and get into my head instead of staying on the floor. If the laundry is not done, someone will be missing their longjohns. It’s difficult and easy to throw them into the machine and push some buttons. I concentrate on the easy part. I think of how nice it is when we get home after our walk to a hot cuppa and a snack. And the walk was over and done. We got some exercise and alot of fresh air.

Now it’s time to say goodnight on this 10th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m not pleased with my writing but it’s the best I could do today. And I’m still here.

 

GOING TO EXERCISE AND NEVER BEFORE PLACES

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January 9, 2019  11:46 am

On this 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I am remembering my goal of change and renewal. Nine days into the new year and challenges, I’m feeling a bit sagging and tired. This morning I managed to write one page for my Morning Pages. I’m the better for doing them. I leave my angst on the pages. I don’t have to carry them, weighing me down the whole live long day.

I get good ideas while I’m pushing that pen across the page. But it does take up time. I’m feeling resentful about it. Rather than falling totally off my Morning Pages Wagon, I’ll set up the timer for 30 minutes to write them in the morning. I will stop when the timer goes off regardless of how many pages I wrote. I have to get out of the all or nothing mentality.

It’s a blistering cold day. The wind is wicked. Sheba and I braved it in our respective coats for out walk. I had my phone in my pocket, just in case. The other day, a rabbit ran in front of us. I had my phone. I had time. But I was frozen by surprise. Today I was frozen by the temperature and wind. I was covered by my hat and scarves. I could just see where I was going. Nothing jumped in front of me. I already have my video project done and up before venturing out. It will have to do. Have a look. I’m proud of my effort. It’s good to have a project and to work improving it daily.

10:58 pm

Egad! Look at the time. We had a supper invitation at a friend’s. He enjoys cooking and entertaining. We’ve been wined, dined and entertained. It was a fine evening complete with a little excitement of a passerby trying to rob our friend’s place while we were there. Now I’m trying to gather my wits to bring this post to a closure.

It has been a very fine day. We had an excellent exercise class this morning. The routine was completely new to us. It required more focus and concentration. We worked in increments of increasing difficulty. It was hard. It was challenging. I did what I thought I could not. It gave me confidence to try what I have not before. I want to close on that note. I want to have the courage to do new things, go new places, meet new place…till the end of my days.

 

 

SCHEDULING IDLE TIME

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January 8, 2019  6:00 pm

I’m late again but better late than never. It makes it more difficult to put words onto the page. I will have to do some rescheduling. It shouldn’t be hard. It’s not as if I have a job. The whole day is my own. I have to learn to make better use of it. It’s not that I’m idle. Not at all. Today I was wishing for that, some idle time to sit, sip tea and read some trashy romance novel.

Perhaps I need to schedule it into my day. I’m too much into seriousness, accomplishing and bettering myself. It’s a bit of a struggle sometimes. I’m tired and achy. I pushed through it all. Otherwise I would be idling, still tired and achy. At least I’ve paid the bills on time. And I did have fun making a video of Sheba. Now I have a little collection of them on my own YouTube channel. I just can’t help myself. I have to accomplish. It’s not a bad thing.

It’s cold and windy again. It required much fortitude to go for our walk. The sun helped. It gave me the false impression of a warmer temperature. On with the hat, scarf and long wool coat. I remembered my fleece lined boots as well. Helps to keep all body parts covered. We survived. I did not let Sheba dawdle. It was not a day for video clips. Just a quick snapshot to prove that we were out and about.

8:17 pm

I am having to struggle to get through this blog and this day. My hair is standing on end. Tomorrow is an exercise day. I best bring this to a close and head for the shower. Good night.

 

VIRTUAL LIVES, VIRTUAL REALITIES

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January 7, 2019  5:44 pm

I’m arriving here late in the day again. It’s difficult to clear my head of the day’s debris and tap clearly and coherently. I’m not a great one for proofreading. I talk faster in my head than I can tap. Mistakes and omissions do occur. Sometimes I don’t even understand what it is that I’m trying to say. But at least I am still trying on this 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

A week doesn’t feel that long but when you are counting, it is. There’s 24 more days to January. I will carry/blog/tap on as best as I can. I have to try harder not to get sidetracked by the internet. It sure can gobble up many minutes/hours. Just now I’ve been checking out Hoopla. Really, do I need another app to help me live a more isolated life? I like going to the library. I like to browse the aisles and touch the books, magazines, cds and movies in real time. So why am I so foolish, wasting time on virtual libraries?

I give my head a shake. I’m already shopping more online and taking online courses. Texting is so inconvenient than phoning. I don’t have to worry about disturbing busy lives, taking up peoples times. The World Wide Web connects. I’m meeting people through FB, Instagram and blogsphere from other parts of the world. I’m learning new skills and arts. I have information at my fingertips. The Web is saving me time as well as eating it up time. I just have to be a better keeper of it.

There is the danger of getting lost in cyberspace. Imagine how alluring it is to travel such expanses without leaving the comforts of home. But I still rather have the real thing vs the virtual. I need fences, walls and other boundaries. I don’t believe you can touch the walls in cyberspace. I need walls and floors to walk on. I need to touch and smell the pages of books. I like to smell and taste the texture of food. I can do without the designer perfumes though.

That’s it for another night. Signing off.

FEARS, CURIOSITIES AND PASSIONS

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January 6, 2019  6:44 pm

I’m late to the keyboard and hardpressed for words. I’m too full of the day’s activities. My head is full of ‘stuff’. I’m trying not to multi task, doing too much in one day. But when the going is good, when there is flow, I hate to stop. So here I am, a bit stuck and tongue tied. I just need a few minutes and a couple of taps and I’ll be ready to go.

Shortly before Christmas, I accidentally stumbled onto Suddenly Mad, Minna Packer’s blog about her early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s a fascinating and educational read for me. I somehow could relate to some of what she has gone/is going through. I don’t have the disease but her anxiety was familiar to me. I have a great admiration for her effort to put it out there for us. It not only helps me understand the disease more but it’s teaching me to live a better life. Have a read to see if it does the same for you.

I have always have a curiosity and passion for the mind, body and spirit. Minna has given me an even stronger desire to understand our brain and how to keep it healthy and strong. I suppose I had this sense of invincibility in my youth. I stayed up late, drank tons of coffee and smoked. This was even before I was a nurse. When I became a nurse, I was even worse, though I did stop smoking. It is surprising how much abuse our body can take.

Things caught up to me in retirement. I had time to fall apart then. It was a very difficult couple of years. I’m on the other side now. It does feel like I’ve stepped out of the cloud into the light. Now I can feel ease and pleasures whereas before I only felt anxiety and fear. I have a greater appreciation of my time here on earth.

I take care that I get enough sleep. I do get an occasional sleepless night. I’m learning not to stress too much about it when it happens. Aerobic exercise has been my best friend. It cleared my brain fog after a couple of weeks. Helps me sleep better, too. I’m still working on my emotional health. I’m such a reactonary. I need to be a responder instead. Life is not static. No matter where on the road we are, there’s learning always.

It is getting late. I have to close for this 6th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be back tomorrow. Good night.

WHAT HAVE I FALLEN IN LOVE WITH TODAY

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This week, On Being with Krista Kippett asks the question: Have you fallen in love with something today? I love the answer in Mary Oliver’s poem Mindful.

Everyday
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for —
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world —
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant —
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these —
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

That’s how I am with my world though I cannot express it as clearly and lovely as the poet. My life feels very small and I am but a small person. Yet I am awed by the very ordinariness of what is my life. Today, I have fallen in love with the peace and darkness of an early Saturday morning. I love the light on the bridge driving to the YWCA and the swimming pool waiting just for me. Mostly I am the lone swimmer on Saturday mornings. I fell in love with the softness of the water, how it held me in its warmth as I swam up and down the pool’s length.

Today I fell in love with time in friendship – the easy conversation, mutual trust and appreciation. The coffee was adequate, the meal meager but I am nourished in body and spirit. It is very little but a lot that I ask for. A little time. A little conversation. A little love.

That’s all I have on the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

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January 4, 2019  4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

  •  Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
  • Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
  • the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
  • Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
  • Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
  • Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control.  But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.

 

 

LET THE CLOCK TICK

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January 3, 2019  1:04 pm

Rats! I’m losing this beautiful warm sunny day to a sleepless night. I have a few of them a year when I cannot catch even 30 minutes of sleep. I always struggle through half the night, trekking back and forth between bed, bathroom and couch. I gave up after 2 am and stayed on the couch, put on my earbuds and listened to Marci Shimoff’s Happy For No Reason. I was able to relax anyways, drifting in and out. I should have done it sooner. It’s always the hindsight of the should have.

By 6 am, the furry alarm clock was fussing, nudging me with her cold nose. I could ignore her for only a little while. It’s up and feeding her. Then she wants out to do her business and her impatient bark to come in when she was good and ready. It is one of those sleepless days when I’m too tired to stay awake but too wired to fall asleep. Talk about wasted days and wasted nights. I know exactly what that means.

I’m a little wiser, from experience, on what to and what not to do. Though I have a difficult time say no, I turned down my mother’s invitation to dim sum with the family. I couldn’t do it right away. I had to phone back. It wouldn’t be a good idea to be driving in my condition, especially with her and dad riding with me. Could my brother pick them up? I shouldn’t be surprised that he delivered some take out for me later. My mum cannot leave anybody out. She knows I love egg tarts and chicken feet.

I do feel most wretched but not enough to sleep. I’m feeling a bit sweaty and distraught. There’s no use in crying over spilt sleep. I will just have to sit/lay it out and not do anything stupid like driving or operating my Bernina. I will only create more trouble and havoc. I will be sorry like the time I tried to interview roofers for my parents’ damaged roof. I thought it would be harmless but I didn’t count on being so vulnerable. I could not be pressured to sign on the dotted line. I was wrong. I was lucky. I got out of it that time.

When I got a call from a funeral home this morning, I said no, there’s no chance even tomorrow that we could get together to talk about wills and estate planning. It’s tacky soliciting so soon in the new year. I already know I’m a procrastinator but I do have a will. I said I will call you if the need comes up.

I am tapping and sipping away here. I hope I still have a bit of judgement left. I hope I won’t saying anything inappropriate. My problem is I hate to waste time. My clock is ticking. I think I will let it tick. This is my wake up call. I have a headache and pain behind my left eye. I received this subscribed email from Jennifer Louden in my mailbox this morning. It’s a bit eery. The woman sounds just like me. I think I will take the fur baby for a short walk and fresh air.

  • Once upon a time, there was a woman who stood on the cusp of the new year and grinned.

    She grinned at all her past selves stretching behind her. Where once she would have judged those selves for their choices, now she bowed to them. They had brought her to this moment. Who would she be without them?

    She grinned too at all the Januarys of years past when she had started a diet or a written a long list of Big Hairy Goals or felt her heart contract with a hectic fantasy of needed achievement.

    She grinned at all the years she believed she had to do something, become something, fix something or someone.

    She grinned too at the ways she had once compared herself to others, forgetting the wholeness at the root of life and instead believing it mattered who made what and who got credit.

    She makes herself a cup of tea and curls up on the couch.

    Ah, how adorable she was.

    What is different now?

    She still desires to create, to write books, to make art, to earn money, to visit far-flung places, to work for social justice, to soften the parts of herself that clench and hide. Of course, she does.

    The difference, she realizes, is now she trusts herself to relax into the ever-present flow of life.

    She trusts herself to remember, again and again and then again, to open to love, to let life live her.

    She trusts life to carry her on a river of desire to ever greater intimacy with itself.

    She giggles. It all sounds rather silly and over-blown.

    But she feels the truth in her cells, this hard to put into words truth that life is something far bigger and richer and infinite than her plans and her thoughts and her funny story she has to do anything to be worthy.

    And with another grin, she lets life carry her out for a walk.

    Here’s to letting life animate, inspire, and carry you this year and every year.

    Love,
    Jen

    PS. My FREE Get Back to Creating Challenge: 5 Days to Find your Confident Flow is happening later this month! Sign up here to make sure you don’t miss out!

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    PO Box 275, Niwot, CO 80504-9997

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LOVE IS MY ANSWER

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January 2, 2019  1:52 pm

James Last’s music has been playing in my head today. It has been dormant all these years but my angel must have popped a coin into my jukebox. Strains of Love Must Be The Reason and the Wedding Song (There Is Love) are playing nonstop in my ears. Clearly there is a message for me. Love must be the answer.

I got it, my sweet angels. I have been listening. I heard the flutter of your wings, your whispers in my ears. It is better to love than hate. My mind and heart are cracked open a little. I will try to let in possibilities. I will try to let in light and softness. I’m letting go of control and judgement as much as I can. I will try to stop the narratives in my head. They are not always true. Sometimes they are the whispers of the devil.

Yes, love must be my answer. It’s the crowbar that opens my heart and mind. It is the doorstop keeping it opened. It is the devil’s bane. Let love flow into me to start this new year and help me throughout the year. I do not want to dwell in the valley of the shadow.

Why does a leaf turn its rays to sunshine;
Why does the dawn come to endless night.

Why does a road that unwinds so steeply
In what so true of such strong and right.

Love must be the reason
Yes, love must be the reason
Every heart can fly in a cloudless sky
On the wings of love.

Season for all season
Yes love must be the reason
Just one boy and girl
Can raise up the world
On the wings of love.

Why does the sea take the weary railroad
Into its arms like
a child of hope.
How can a tree rest beyond forever;
Hand touching hand least gone along.

Love must be the reason
Yes, love must be the reason
Every heart can fly
In a cloudless sky
On the wings of love