Here it is, the 2nd last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t made it here every day. I haven’t done too badly thought, missing only 3 days. It’s not a do or die or I must kind of a challenge. Sometimes life calls. And I had to answer. This business of living is not easy. None of it. I do the best I can. It has to be enough. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
In assessing whether I’ve stayed the course, I showed up 93% of the time. I abided by the rules. Read the 2 posts above mine and commented as best as I could. As to having fun, I wasn’t in the beginning. I struggled for the first few days, not having fun at all. But I warmed up, eventually thawing out and enjoying it all. So I’ve achieved my ultimate goal of working my way out of acedia. I am no longer in ‘a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care about one’s life or spiritual condition‘.
A cool sunny October 9th. I’ve worked my way through the first week of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. And it was hard work, tapping wobbly through each day, searching and finding the words and thoughts. Now a week in, I’m a little more engaged and interested. I’m looking back at my purpose, my goals. I see that it is to cast off my malaise, my dis-interest. I want to see the world in technicolour again. I am weary of the dishwater grey.
I’ve succeeded somewhat. Yesterday was a lovely day. As I stepped into my front yard in the warmth of the afternoon, I felt alive for the first time in a long while. I breathed in and out, taking in the beautiful mess of autumn leaves on the ground, the bare branches reaching up to the blue of the sky. I felt part of the whole universe. I am the breath that is going in and out.
A small step towards the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A week in and 3 more weeks to go. It’s a journey and any journey is a work of art. I have to put my heart into it and paint it with vibrant colours.
I’m a great gatherer of information. I seldom put them to use. It’s no wonder that I’m stuck, finding myself in the same ruts, year after year. I mutter and moan the same old, same old. I set goals, I write about them but somehow the doing gets left behind. Here I am again, at my keyboard. This time, it is a little different. I am doing, using information gathered from B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything. It’s working for me. Hooray!
I’m applying the idea of doing small to my gardening. I am struggling this year. I still have alot of tomato seedlings to plant and it is still cool. I have kosy coats for them but it is very labour intensive when you have to do dozens of them. So using Fogg’s example of flossing one tooth to establish his habit, I decided that I could just plant one tomato with a kosy coat. It didn’t feel so daunting when it is just one. It wasn’t hard and I ended up doing two. I felt pretty good after. I’m confident I could do it again tomorrow. Maybe I could do 4 tomatoes.
There’s nothing like success to make a person feel good. I like it. It helped me to seed another raised bed with more lettuce, spinach, Asian greens and radishes. I’m hoping successive seeding will keep us in salad greens all summer. I finished my day of gardening by spreading 4 bags of manure on 2 raised beds. Enough for one day. I am happy.
The words for today’s post are focus and note to self. They are prompts from the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. They are very appropriate words for me to work on. My mind and brain are totally out of focus. I have no sense of direction, planning. I live by the seat of my pants. I get lost every day. I still get by very well because I am a highly functional disfunctional person.
I’m living up to my own self analysis. It is July 21 and I am still working on finishing this post from yesterday. It is not that I am a lazy person, though I have lazy moments. When I don’t have a plan or outline for a post, things don’t always flow and I stutter and hiccough. Rather than sitting stuck, I get up and tend to other things. The other thing that came along was 4 pails of peas crying to be shelled. That took up a whole afternoon. By the end, my fingers were stiff and sore. AND it was time to make supper. I think these are good reasons to get sidetracked.
After supper I am too tired to take up the keyboard. Sometimes I have to choose my battles and decide what is more important. I chose some relaxation but made a note to myself to finish this post today, blanch and freeze the shelled peas and go to my exercise class. I am happy to say now that I have succeeded in all three. I am a happy camper.
It’s the start of another Wednesday – exercise class and write it day. It’s good to have a schedule, a routine. It helps to keep me on track. I should schedule a clean house day, too. I remember I had to dust on Saturdays when I was a kid. It worked then. It will work again. What a great way to start the day, getting ideas and finding solutions. I hate the feeling of being stuck, of no movement and nowhere to go first thing in the morning.
I love waking up early especially now when it’s already light by 6 o’clock. I saw 2 people out walking already at 6:30. Clearly they’re disciplined early birds. I’m up but I like to lull around. I did my meditation this morning but I was not in the present moment at all. My mind went wandering as soon as I turned on my usual recording. I tried to bring my attention back again and again. It was no small feat and I was not very successful. That’s how it was and that’s how it is with life. We try. We succeed or lose or don’t lose or gain. We try again and again. It’s call living. Nothing is static, not even when we think we are. The things around us change. They don’t wait till we’re ready.
I guess this is my self/pep talk to keep me moving, present and on track. My days are like my paintings. The outcome depends on how much effort I put in. Even then the results are different from day to day. I don’t come with a ton of energy. I am slow as molasses in winter. I can only handle so much – people and activity. Needless to say, I don’t have a load of friends. I am not a party goer. I don’t accomplish a lot in a day. I did a little grocery shopping for my mom this afternoon. It came to only $45.00 and I’m pooped. Everything takes a lot of effort. One thing I can say for myself is that I do make the effort – every day. No matter the size, any effort is no small feat for me. I tread water a lot.
It is the 17th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is a good time for another review. I’ve been missing and skipping more days here lately. And it’s likely that I will not be able to finish this post tonight. Well, my purpose for this month is to carve more time for myself. There’s much to do in this merry month of May. I don’t have as much energy and focus as my younger self. Some things have to go.
It’s a blistering hot day today, up to 32℃. It was almost too hot to sit on the deck by 9 this morning. I did it anyways. At least the deck is covered, out of the sun. I opened both doors to get a breeze. I did not sit in idleness. I was transplanting little tiny seedlings into little paper pots I made. It was almost like performing neurosurgery. I think I will think twice before doing this again. I only have 4 more batches of seedlings to go.
It’s almost 8 pm. Sweat is running down my face as I sit here tapping. I hope we will get some rain after this. I won’t hold my breath though. The earth feels like it’s burning up. I can’t remember when we had some normal spring rain. And what is normal any more?
It is another day/afternoon. Not as hot as yesterday but too warm to sit on the deck. I’m chased back into the relative cool of the house. I’m trying to finish this post/review of how I am doing/progressing. Overall I think I’m making a passing grade. I don’t sweat over the small stuff as much. I don’t let my anxiety put me in the hole. It is just feelings, right? My motto of regardless of how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up still works. As inane as it sounds, life goes on. It’s a healthy treadmill to step on and keep up as best as I can. That’s all that is asked of me.
It is important how I speak to myself in the morning. Good morning, self! is a good opening. The day is then started. I get up, dressed up, wash my face, brush my teeth and show up. How I plan and face the day is important, too. There are must-do things like getting dress, brushing your teeth and showing up for a good breakfast. The next-to-dos are working on projects of sewing my quilt squares, writing this blog, my 6 minute of hula hooping, 6 minutes of marching/walking,squatting exercises. It worked well for me this morning. I even had chili cooking in the Instant Pot for lunch. I even had a trip to Early’s Garden Center for more supplies. Lunch was ready when we got home.
Tomorrow it might not go so well. A little planning and trying the best sets me up for success. I will have to remember that. Oh, I must not forget the conclusion. I am carving out more rest time. I have learn to stop and not push so hard on each and every thing. It is ok to fall behind when I am tired or short of time. There’s no must or die. Some things are not that crucial.
Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am empty of ideas and words for the page. To tell the truth, I am weary of challenges and trying and plodding forth. In this space and time, I would like to give everything a rest, not to give any thought or effort. In other words, I want to vegetate. But I know it’s not something to strive for. I’ve been spending some time there already. It hasn’t good for my mind. It leads to laziness and not living my best life. I’ve been sleep walking through my days.
I feel sleepiness tugging at me as I sit here tapping away. I sit up taller in the chair, realigning my head and shoulders. It’s as if I’m preparing for meditation. I hear the children’s voices from the daycare two houses away. I can see them playing through the fence slats. The sun is out. It is a beautiful day. I am now awake and in the moment. I’ve been missing too many of such moments, immersed too much in my own thoughts. I have to let in more of the world around me.
I’m struggling to tap out words and thoughts, the things I said I don’t want to do. But the effort is worth the struggle because the goal of this month of April is to see clarity and make progress. Neither is possible languishing and not being home in myself. I see now that I have been absent, not taking responsibility, making excuses, trashing myself, blaming circumstances. I could go on forever. I can see and understand a little now what is meant by fear of success. The fear is also about living up to that if, indeed, I do succeed. It feels safer to be in failure. But I no longer want to dwell in that valley. I can survive a little fear.
Maintenance is important but very difficult for me. I rather close my eyes, walk away and not think about it. It catches up with me eventually and I have to deal with it. I’m trying to understand this phenomenon to make life more pleasurable. I suppose it is one of those things that has no explanations or it is plain obvious. Who wants to deal with their shit? Let’s not do the digging in head thing and just get on with it.
I’m observing myself and learning how difficult it is to overcome the habitual patterns of my old self. It feels so uncomfortable thinking and feeling, never mind doing different. The discomfort is painful in a sense that I’m stuck. I can’t go forward but I don’t want to go back. My body yearns the same old. My mind is fighting it. No, you don’t! It’s like wrestling food from Sheba’s jaw.
I’m hanging in there. It’s my daily struggle and challenge. It’s all a part of index cards, free motion sewing squares, daily walks with Sheba and charting my progress here daily. I’m still reading Breaking the Habits of Being Yourself. I have read 39% of the book. I don’t feel I’m being obsessed with things. I’m doing daily little bit of the things that matter and I enjoy. They’re like building blocks of stick-to-it-ness. I see the improvement little by little in my index card art and my free motion sewing. Seeing it gives me pleasure, satisfaction and encouragement to keep on, maintaining my momentum. The little cards and blocks are my tools.
I’m applying little blocks of time to organize my activities of daily living – clearing my clutter, keeping me and the house in health and order. It’s working, albeit much slower in the house department. Some things are harder to do than others. The plants are pruned, watered and fertilized this morning. The orchids are waiting to be repotted tomorrow. There’s endless things to tend to. Thinking in small blocks of time enables me to think everything is do-able. If I think the whole enchilada, I will stall and shudder to a complete stop for sure. So here’s to the little building blocks of success.
One way of guaranteeing success is showing up and doing. Here I am. I will dispense with the fancy words and fancy pictures. But if they do pop up, I will use them.What is new for me today? David Whyte’s piece on Rest. It’s what I am trying to attain. He says it so well. So here it is:
I’ve been striving too hard to obtain whatever. Now I want to live into that essance of giving and receiving. It is the breathing in and the breathing out. That is what I have to remember, to come back to over and over when I have wandered into the exhausted, in wanting and striving for it all. I have forgotten about the pause and empty spaces. They are beautiful notes that pull everything together. I am remembering them today.
I could see a light in the distance but I wasn’t sure if I could make it that far. Should I try anyways, not knowing? Should I or shouldn’t I? The tug of war begins. I am worn out before the journey begins.
The light is waning. I am losing resolve. My ugly sister whispers in my ear. Loser, you can’t do it! I do not shush her. I let the words sink in. Is it true that I can’t do it? Would that make me a loser? I feel anger rising up towards her, towards myself.
I breathe. The anger is gone and so is the hesitation. I take one step forward, remembering what my great, great, great forefather said. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. The light brightens with each step I take. It beckons me forth. I am getting closer and closer. I realize then that the light is a guide and not the end. Success lies in trying and beginning.
onethousandandtwo 