MY WHY OF BLOGGING AND CHALLENGES

Good morning and Happy Canada Day! It’s July 1, the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am going to show up here daily for the next 31 days with my chatterings. I enjoy challenges. They offer me an opportunity to be disciplined and accountable. It’s also a chance to meet and interact with other bloggers. I have a few rules for this space of mine. These are that I be:

  1. Truthful
  2. Respectful
  3. Hopeful
  4. Helpful

What I hope for this month is to get up, dress up and show up each morning. It will be my mindfulness practice of being present and alert before my keyboard, breathing in and out with each tap of on the keyboard. It does take away my thoughts of my morning physical discomforts. I am in the moment of forming thoughts and ideas. I am stretching and reaching with each finger. I am a proper typist. No pecking away with two fingers. I had graduated from Saskatoon Business College way back in the ’70s. I’ve had a class in typing using an IBM Selectric Typewriter. It does not have a moving carriage. The little ball travels back and forth.


It is late in the afternoon. I’ve had a good start in the morning. Making a commitment to write every day gives me structure. Having structure helps my disorganized brain focus and get with the program.  Thoughts just get lost, rattling around in my brain. But if I tap them out here, I can see them in physical form. Then I can act upon them. And act I did. I put some sweat in the garden this morning before it got too hot. Now without the weeds I can clearly see the 2 rows of peas. Much more pleasing to the eye than before. I timed it right as the rains came in the afternoon. This is how I can get things done.

I’ve mentioned more than once or twice about my disorderly moods. This space and challenge has provided me with a purpose to show up and do. I don’t have a business to build or promote. I am not interesting in making money but I am in having a purpose. I can get engaged in constructing hopefully an interesting and informative post. I can converse about what is important and helpful to me. I like to think that I can motivate a reader or two. I will strive for better construction and proof reading. I will work for it. Happy blogging to my fellow bloggers.

SLIP SLIDING AWAY

Nowadays I find myself asking the question of for what purpose to many things. The biggest being: For what purpose was I born? Then there are those endless smaller ones. Why am I doing anything? I feel as if I’ve lost purpose and heart.  I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole. And so now I am tapping out my anguish bland state of mind. If I don’t, would my mind have the energy to work up a frenzy?

There’s seems to be a purpose for words though, for the tapping of the keyboard. It feels much like a resuscitation of my will, my heart and mind. It is a mystery how it works. Perhaps there’s acupressure points on my fingertips. Whatever and however, I am grateful for a little revival of my spirit. I don’t quite have enough passion to work up a sweat yet. Who knows where the next tap will lead. The point is, I’m moving some body parts. Fingers count. Talking about fingers, I do have some good news. The pain is gone from my left hand. Hallelujah! I’ve had it since May – 10 months ago. It’s almost enough reason to feel joy.

Dang! February is hard. There’s more warnings for extreme cold temperatures for the next while. We did not really feel it today. It being so calm and sunny. Sheba and I went for our twice daily walks. She even hollowed out a nest in the snow and laid in it in the afternoon. Perhaps she thought she was an Eskimo.


It is another day, another cold one. It was -31 Celsius this morning. Driving across the bridge, I could not see far ahead, not beyond to the other side. The mist from the river and the exhaust from the cars occluded everything. I was thinking of the cold but not about minding it. Instead, I felt grateful that I’m not in other parts of the world that have floods, mud slides, volcanoes, earthquakes and the likes. What’s a little cold? I was sitting snug and warm in my car. I have warm clothes. I was not suffering at all.

The moment of gratitude changed my flat mood and attitude. My thoughts affect how I feel but I do have command of what I think. I can see the glass half full or I can see the glass half empty. I don’t have to think of or see the glass at all. I can just watch my thoughts in my mind like a ticker tape parade. I can watch and let them go, forming no opinions and attaching no emotions. It’s a breakthrough moment.

Breakthrough moments are catalysts for change. I shall not waste it. There are already many moments today when I feel myself slipping, sliding back into old habitual thoughts and feelings. I feel the familiar tugs but I am showing a backbone and resisting. I will not be slip sliding away. I will not be disappearing.

I GOTTA HAVE HEART

February – you are the heart month but you are also the coldest month so far. How am I suppose to keep heart? My fingertips are cracked and bleeding from the chill. That will teach me to take my gloves off to capture your icy beauty with my camera. I wince with each tap on the keyboard. It is worth it though. It all helps to give me heart, to keep it beating, to perfuse me with a creative force. It helps to have added purpose for Sheba’s and mine daily walks.

Keeping heart is sometimes hard for me. I feel things deeply – the highs and the lows. I bounce around like a rubber ball. I can run hot and cold at the same time. You might call me a HSP, a highly sensitive person. I fit the descriptions very well. I have all the 21 signs, most notably the need for alone time and absorbing other people’s feelings. Hell, all 21 points are strong in me.

I’ve never really checked into it before now. Maybe understanding myself better will help me to navigate life better. I hope it will lead to having an easier time relating to others and managing my emotions. Dang, life is frigging hard! There’s still things to learn no matter how old I am. I’m all for it. Bring it on.

I wonder why I have such a hard time. I guess it’s that HSP part in me. I feel too much. Why must I? I don’t like it one bit. Too bad, says the big guy in the sky. That’s who you are. Live with it. And so I must. Everything, no matter how small, that I can do for myself will help. At the end of it, they will be monumental, the very things that can tip an iceberg. So I gotta have heart, keep plugging away and put one foot in front of the other. I’m on the Yellow Brick Road. I want to find the Land of Oz and the Emerald City. I will follow Dorothy and her motley crew- the Scarecrow, The Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. Onward ho!

PURPOSE, PROJECTS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

The day/life is much easier with purpose. It gives you structure and a starting point. It’s the catalyst that pushes me through the starting gate and onward to the finish line. I’m in a better frame of mind. It’s reassuring that I am not always pooling in my puddles. It only seems so. Once more the sun is shining on me, literally. I have to take off my sweater. It’s that warm.

The words feel more fluid in the warmth. They are flowing with ease from my fingertips. I am at ease in this moment with Sheba sleeping beside me. The sun feels so warm, the tea so good. I close my eyes, inhaling, exhaling..living. I give thanks of gratitude to the wisdom of people like Viktor Frankl, Caroline Myss and Professor Guy McPherson. McPherson, a biology professor believes that climate change from our heavy footprint is destroying our planet beyond repair. Even so, we should not despair. He advises:

 “I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

Those words resonate with me. I am in pursuit of those goals the best I can. They are my torch on gloomy days, beckoning onward or to sit and rest awhile. I need heroes and cheerleaders to coach me along the way. It’s one thing to get started and another to follow through to the end. I’ve had a bit of practice. It’s easier every day. I get up, dress up and show up the best I can. Some best are better than others. That’s how it is.

What are my pursuits in concrete language? The biggy right now is mastering my new Bernina computerized sewing machine. It would have been wise to do some checking. Too bad I didn’t read this blog before. No matter. I have no buyer’s regret. I have a vision of using it as another medium for my artwork. I was inspired by images of free motion embroidery. They popped into my head one day. I can do that, I said to myself. I trust my instincts and ‘feelings’. So off to the Sewing Machine Store I went.

I’m not off and running yet but it is out of the box. After hours of watching tutorils on YouTube, I’ve bobbined and manually threaded the needle. Haven’t mastered the automatic threader yet. I can turn it on, off, navigate some of computer screen and use the straight and zigzag stitches. Not exactly flying or embroidering but still pretty awesome. I think I’ll go and hem my pants now. Be back tomorrow with more progress – I hope.

 

IN PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE

The thing is beginnings are always hard. You know that. You circle and circle, filling in, wasting and passing time. Then you get sick of the nagging, weighty thing dragging your butt down and down. So you sit down and begin. So here I go with my tap, tapping for the day.

 

 

 

Arriving at acceptance of things as they are – that the earth has 10 years less 2 days to survive, have set me free – maybe not completely but a bit more. Why? There’s no time to lose/waste/mope. I saw my purpose which is to enjoy the time left. Thanks to Professor Guy McPherson’s advice, I’ve decided that excellence, love and what I love to do are worthy goals to pursue. I was already on that pursuit with my year of doing different, but now I have a clearer vision of it.

In the presence of our recent dramatic climate change, it is difficult to ignore impermanence, that our earth will not be here in another 10 years – less 2 days now. Given that premise, nothing matters anymore and everything matters still. A contradiction I know, but for me it holds much truth, wisdom and comfort.

The nothings that don’t matter are the things outside of me, the things that I have no control of – what others think and do, keeping up with the Jones and Smiths, etc. etc. etc. The things that matter are the things within me, the things that I CAN control – how I speak, how I behave, how I choose. I choose to make my life matter, to take an interest, to find what makes me smile. I choose to live in a way I give back to the earth as well as harvest from it. I choose to pursue excellence in body, mind and spirit. 10 years less 2 days is still worth pursuing.

 

 

 

IF NOT FOR – Day 82 and 83 in the year of…

Day 82 and 83, October 15, 2016 @8:26 am

There is a bit of sunshine this morning.  Thank the Lord for small mercies.  I am feeling a little blue and discouraged.  Too much in the news and social media last evening and this morning.  How do you not pay attention to what’s happening in the world?  You would want to know if disaster is coming and prepare for it, wouldn’t you?

img_8074The question is, What do you do in today’s climate?  Our world is a minefield waiting to be detonated.  Which way to go?  It is likely that we all are tiptoeing carefully in our personal domain.  We are careful and silent till the explosion goes off.  I am tired of it all, aren’t you?  I am tired of the Trump-Clinton dramas, of the media circus, of the corruption, racial slurs and inequities, of personal conflicts.  If only I could vomit it out. I guess that’s exactly what I am doing!

Please do not worry about my state of mind.  It’s my writing mind and my fingers tapping out what is in my body.  But are they true feelings?  It’s helpful to put them on the page and let the light shine on them.  I have been accused by many people that I say what most people would only think.  That has puzzled me. What is wrong with what I say?  They are not vulgar.  They are not lies.  I do not gossip. Others have said I’m brave.

I do not feel particularly brave.  I love words.  I love their sound as they fall from my fingertips.  If not for them, I would find it harder to breathe.  I would find life more difficult.  If not for life’s adversities, I would not be as adept with my words. As I am now tapping, I hear the Byrd’s lyrics.

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

Yes, sometimes it is hard to watch what is unfolding before me – chaos, distrust and hatred.  But I have to believe in purpose and the beauty in our lives. Sometimes I moan and groan about Sheba, but if not for her, I would miss a lot of nature’s beauty, the stuff that can heal a battered and disillusioned soul.  She insists and drags me out to witness skies, blue or grey, to feel the wind rippling my hair, the rain on my face and in my shoes.  She’s like a bunny hopping through the snow, a little black seal in the river …. She brings me utter joy.

But now she’s barking.  Enough already!  It’s time to go for our walk.

PURPOSE – Day 72 in a year of…

Day 72, October 2, 2016 @9:44 am

img_7886Inertia and gravity are difficult to overcome. I use every excuse I can think of to avoid doing – the weather, I’m tired, I’m this, I’m that.  It’s hard to understand the why of this feeling of reluctance.  It’s more than being lazy.  It has an element of insipid dread.  I have long given up (is it really true?) trying to understand the impossible.  I used guilt to pull me up and out yesterday.  It was difficult but am happy that I rose above the dread.  I might as well put the bad stuff to good use, eh?

I’m here without my tea this morning but I’m having trouble sitting still.  I don’t have to rise above everything in life.  It is not a bad thing to pause and reset.  I will get up, stretch, put the kettle on.  Be back in awhile with my cup of tea.  Everyone breathe.

~~~~~~~~~

img_1969I’m back.  I feel so much better, having a cup beside me to take a sip when it gets tough.  I see I can’t go cold turkey.  It’s a good thing I’m not an alcoholic.  I’ll be falling off that proverbial wagon all the time.  Perhaps I should not be so hard on myself, setting up all these challenges.  I can’t seem to help myself though.  I am challenged by challenges.  The call to better myself is hard to resist.  It makes my life purposeful.  What gives you purpose?

 

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD – Day 33 in a year of…

Day 33, August 24, 2016 @5:56

I’m really struggling at the moment to keep my eyes open and my fingers moving on the keyboard.  All day I’ve had to work at it to keep going – even in our morning step aerobics class! I feel myself lagging in so many moments.  I would then step it up, pump my arms more getting my oxygen to my brain.  I picture my goal – slim and trim, no double chin, no bulging tummy.  I huff and puff and  the childhood story of the little engine that could came to mind.

 

IMG_7379Oh, I do love a challenge.  The little engine that could, that’s me!  It keeps me going, moving.  It gives me purpose.  I stand up, walk around.  I’m a little more alert.  I tap, tap, a word comes, an idea comes.  Finally a sentence.  I get up, put the kettle on for a cup of tea.  A picture and another idea and sentence comes.  I build little by little. Knit, purl, kit, purl – row upon a row.  Almost half a back.  You can see the lacy panel now. By Christmas a sweater I will have.

I can see that having a goal, a plan, a challenge can move me to do great things.  What is great is personal, of course.  What I know for sure is I’m doing great.  What are you doing?

Till tomorrow.

THE WHY’S (WISE) ON WRITING

IMG_1628It’s a cool -4 degrees Celsius this morning.  I feel amazingly good.  I don’t question it.  I accept it as my good fortune.  The sun IS shining brightly.  Hallelujah!  I sip my Chai, oh so strong and sweet.  Mmmmm.  Feeling blessed as I sip and tap.

Writing for me is like meditating, the letting go and releasing.  This morning it is a little difficult as my furry neighbour next door and Sheba are having a noisy and excited good morning exchange.  Bow wow!  What do you do?  They are dogs behaving like dogs.

Peace is restored – for a little while.  Can I get back to the zen of the moment?  That is the trick of life, you know  – to return to your purpose again and again, no matter the distractions or how many times you have strayed off the path.  I find my way to the place I have left.  I try not to back track to the beginning.  Otherwise, I cannot get pass GO.  I will be stuck forever at the starting gate.

I’m spending a little time on why I write.  Here I go again! I’m asking the why of things.  Can’t leave that alone, can I? The thing that comes to mind is that it gives me pleasure. It is such a sensual thing, this tap, tapping on the keyboard.  I feel each letter and hear each click.  It’s rhythm soothes and excites me at the same time.

It’s a song and dance, a chorus line – the letters getting into position and kicking up their legs and waving their arms to form a line, a sentence, a paragraph….a story/number/dance.  Applause, applause and then encore.  That’s every artist’s hope.

Images and words comes come to me out of nowhere.  They float to me on wings of fancy, much like the ghosts of my childhood.  I feel them in me.  They take me to another place, outside of myself – to be that story, that dance, the Alice’s of my dreams.

I always sing and dance to my own tunes.  I hear myself after awhile – the  warble in my voice, the missed notes and out of steps.  It’s not a bad idea to come out of myself, to hear other stories and to watch other dances.  It is helpful to share and compare.  Everyone has a story, a song and a dance.

It’s in the sharing and daring to tell our stories that opens up the world to us.  Soon others give and receive in kind.  I write to enrich my life.  I am always reaching out there to touch a sister, a brother, a kindred spirit.  That’s the way of my mother, her father and mother and all her siblings.  I come by it honestly.  There is no other way for me.  We suffer for it.

People don’t always reciprocate.  Some don’t want to and some can’t.  I try not to ponder the why’s.  Through life’s journey, I have learned to accept and not to take it personally.  I have lost nothing in the process.  I am neither less nor more.  But I have created the possibility to receive more.  It is worth it.

I write because I love the words, the beauty they can capture on a page.  They crystallize those whimsical images and ideas that come to me from outer space.  On a good day, I am able to tap them out onto the screen.  On a good day I can make them sing and dance for me. Today is a good day for me.  It is cold but my office is bathed in the warmth of the sun. Sheba is laying peacefully on the floor while my furry neighbour smiles at us from across the fence.

Want to sing and dance together?  I’m not good at duets but I’m willing to try.

 

RAINY DAY LAZIES

IMG_6680It’s been raining on and off all day.  It’s coming down hard as I speak, the rain spattering and running down the window. But it is one of those easeful, lazy kind of day.  It is the kind that spells REST.

Sheba and I did go for our walk this morning.  We both got dressed in our black rain gear and splashed our way through the puddles at leisure.  What’s a little rain?  The traffic around the neighbourhood was something else.  With so many road detour blockage, our normally quiet side streets were abuzz with cars going every which way.  Then a cyclist rode up behind us and rang his bell.  Sheba did not like that!  It was NOT relaxing.

IMG_0932I was not completely lazy.  I managed a thing or two.  I dusted my rock and seashell collection that I had brought back from Ghana. I listened to the music of Loreena McKennitt.  I drank tea.  Reading someone’s blog post on discovering your purpose and your calling, I discovered in that moment I didn’t want a purpose or a calling.  I wanted just to live my life for myself.  Would you call that selfish?

Selfish or not, I am elated that I have definite feelings about something.  I’m not willy nilly after all.  How wonderful that I’m not another sailor lost at sea.  I have a sense of direction.  Maybe that is what purpose is.

IMG_0934I did some filing and clearing of the desk, but somehow no matter how many pieces of paper I move, things didn’t look any better. But I remembered what Anne Lamott said about messes and clutter.

“But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground – you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it’s going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breathe and move.”

And she is right!  I am happily tapping away in my clutter, finding little nuggets in my piles.