Tag Archives: mindfulness

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

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And the winds continue to blow. I feel its howl in my bones. I’m caught back in the space of restless anxiety. Have you ever been there? It’s not a restful place. I’m here tapping on my keyboard on this 25th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I hope the rhymthic tapping can soothe and smooth me. If nothing else, I will have a blog post. I am a little displeased with myself for having fallen into this nervous trap – again. I feel like Alice plunging down the rabbit hole. But it is really not my fault. It is my brain and nervous system. I am built this way. I can’t help it.

I breathe and think loving kindness towards myself. May I be safe. May I be calm. May I be peaceful. May I be loved. I imagine the wind whispering all these to me. I picture a kind smile on its face. I feel the wind wrapping me in its warm embrace. I am stroked and loved. I am safe. I can let go of the tightness in my limbs. I can let go of my breath. I will not fall. I feel the sun coming out to smile down on me.

All is well. The world is as it should be. There is nothing I can/need to change except what is within me. When I change, everything changes also. I am that pebble thrown in the ocean. Gee, I have more power than I realize. What a Eureka moment! I am not immobilized by my fear. I am moving my fingers across the keyboard. The fear is a catalyst for opening my senses to new ways of seeing, feeling and thinking. I will survive this after all. Hallelujah, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

So now it is evening. I have survived another day. And none the worse for wear, I might add. I got lost again, led astray by Mrs. Google Maps. Lost is my usual state of being. I drove around and around. I was a  little frazzled and late for my appointment. People are kind. Women are not good with directions. I am not good with directions. Nobody was mad. We all had a chuckle. Life is mellow again.

 

DUST BUSTING

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It’s a cloudy Sunday morning. I’m enjoying my second cuppa. I hate to admit it but I’ve wasted the first hour upon waking on scrolling. I had meant to hook up with Mark Williams on YouTube for my daily meditation but I got snookered by the DailyOm page on Facebook instead. Their ads worked on me. I was lost in checking out the classess and reviews from happy and unhappy customers. It was quite addicting. Oh, just one more review…!

I did bring myself back to my sitting meditation. I comforted myself by the thought that it was the practice – bringing myself back to my purpose when I get distracted. Of course, the session was not as good as it could have been. It is real life. No 2 days/sessions are equal. I do the best I can. I’m here, aren’t I, tapping away on the keyboard, being in the moment, accounting for myself.

I have not implemented my spring cleaning plan. You probably know that. I do mean to, any day now. In the meantime, I try to do what is staring me right in the face. I was horrified to see the top of the china cabinet the other day. How could it get so dusty so quickly? I shouldn’t have looked up but I was looking for Nasonex there. Egad! my brain went into knots and spasms at the sight. But I fought my brain and I won. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I dusted the cabinet and everything on top of it. It was not difficult.

Now it is evening. I am bushed.exhausted.wiped. I am tired. I out did myself. My mission of cleaning my winter footwear and putting them away is accomplished. Kudos to me! They are no longer left to hang out collecting dust and cobwebs till next winter comes along. While I was at it I cleaned and polished a few other much neglected shoes. How the heck did I get this way? No energy left to ponder. Time to say good night.

UNTANGLING MY BRAIN CLUTTER

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This morning I am wondering if my ADHD cluttered brain leads me towards the path of depression. It is a very sunny gorgeous morning and I am not at all happy to be a victim of my defective brain. I don’t like to be at the mercy of the weather and other forces. I want to be the captain of my ship. I am hoping I will have more control at the helm with my practice of mindfulness.

To tell the truth, after my morning routines of 20 minutes of this and that, I am at a loss as to what to do. I have ‘much to do’ but they are a ‘clutter’ in my head. I envy people who talked about spring cleaning and can actually get it done. Mostly I talk about it and can never get pass one room. It really ticks me off. Then I fall into gloom, overwhelmed thinking of the rooms, the windows, the closets and tables of clutter and dust. I wonder how I can get past it all.

This morning after I’ve vacuumed the floor of Sheba’s hair and duff, I made a quick sweep of dust in the living room and part of the kitchen. Then I had to stop for a cuppa. And here I am now, tapping out my anguish. I’m remembering to Stop, Take a breath and relax. I tried to Observe this present moment. What am I hearing, seeing and feeling. I am Proceeding forward. STOP.

What I know for sure is, I do not want to do a Marie Kondo. To me, it seems obscene for a consultant to charge $100/hour for a minimum of 5 hours and $50 worth of travel outside of New York City. I wonder how many clutter bugs suffer from ADHD. Would it not be less costly to treat that than spending the money on stuff and then getting rid of them. But I am digressing. How will I solve my problem?

The thing I can’t see is the big picture. The picture is a great big undifferentiated blob in my mind. I have to chop it up into small squares and tackle each square at a time – much like the way I put my tablecloth together. When someone gives me verbal directions to anywhere or how to do anything, my eyes glaze over after the second sentence. I have tried many times to listen more intently but to no avail. However if it is written down, I am able to follow. Ah! Here is my answer. I should put that in practice. I have to figure out what I want to accomplish, break down the steps and write them down. Then DO them.

 

STITCH BY STITCH

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Some days, I yearn for all my yesterdays when I was young and mellow. I like the idea of being starry eyed and hopeful with the whole future ahead of me. That’s what the adults tell us. Now, I am one of those adults. I do not have that whole future ahead of me. Instead I have the limited edition. Does that make it more valuable? Whatever and however it is, it’s best I use that time to spend it in meaningful joyous splendour instead of lamenting for yesterdays.

It’s easier said than done though. I have spent at least half my life time languishing and sighing like a helpless damsel in distress. Habits die hard. They surface and resurface like sewer from a manhole. It’s bit difficult to put a lid on it. I keep trying. My efforts have not been in vain. I have made progress, small but still rewarding enough to keep me on track. I am walking down a new street now and not the same one with the manholes.

Days have passed and I’ve neglected being here but I’m still on track. I’m being mindful – doing the practice and reading the manual, page by page, not skimming nor skipping ahead. I will probably have days when I will falter. I will probably have days when I will skip. But then that is the practice – coming back again and again when I do. I have not faltered with my Jesus stitches. I am making very good progress, stitch by stitch, day by day. That is all I can ask of myself.

 

MINDING MY MIND

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This morning I got out on the bright side of the bed despite that it was still dark out. One thing flowed into another without effort. I’m not going to look at the gift horse in the mouth. I’ve read my 20 minutes on the Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD.  I’ve learned a new tool – labeling. It’s the describing of what’s noticed with a word or phrase. It stops the self criticism that ticks so persistently in me. I applied it to the many piles of dog poop left in back alleys by lazy owners. I see the word ‘disrespect’. Somehow having that word stops the anger, frustrations and then feeling bad about my reactions.

  1. Being mindful is a wonderful way to start the morning. It cleans me from the inside out and I can begin with a new slate. I love to sit in meditation with Mark Williams as he guides me through the process. I’m taking into account his key notes in his mindfulness lecture. 1. Mindfulness to transform destructive emotions. 2. Mindfulness to help people to re-engage in the actualities of life. I would really love to engage in my life. My memories are always of living for other people.

So here I am at the end of the day. I’m toast now, mindless really. It’s alright. I’ve done well and have accomplished all that I set out to do. I struggled with the hardest job but I did it as soon as I was able. It was good to get it out of the way. The hardest weighs on me. If I were to leave it to the last, it would have hampered me. It would have prevented me from doing much of anything for the rest of the day. As I’ve dealt with it early on, I was able to move onto other things like my Jesus stitches and baking Sheba’s doggy biscuits. And I’m much happier for having done so.

 

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MINUTE

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Not every day and every minute are equal. I didn’t exactly bounce out of bed this morning. It was a slow wakening and lumbering up. No surprise that I did not do my reading nor meditation. However, one has to be flexible and try to work them in somehow. So this being an exercise morning, I did my mindfulness during the stepping up and down on the bench. I breathed in and out with the steps, putting my attention on my motions and body sensations. My mind did not wander much. When it did, I guided it back to what I was doing.

After class, someone mentioned how upset she was that someone left their dog poop right behind her car. That started me to recount a litany of my negative encounters with people while walking my dog. It left me with ugly feelings inside and the recognition that I must tell different stories. Reliving negative events serves no purpose except as a reminder not to revisit them. And just to show how hard it is to let sleeping dogs lie, I found a huge dog pile left behind our garage this afternoon. I’m fuming again. People and their shit!

I will make myself a cuppa and watch an episode of Call a Midwife for a treat. I got Season 2 and 3 from the library. I discovered the TV series on Netflix first free 30 days. Netflix lived up to its reputation of endless enterntainment. While I enjoyed it immensely, it was not good for my brain. It got easily addicted. I was quite content on the couch watching episode after episode. It required no effort. I was sucked into the vortex. In that 30 days I’ve watched the whole 6 seasons of Downton Abby. My brain felt sick after awhile. I did not renew after my 30 free days. It is harder for the addiction to kick in when I actually have to put a DVD into the player and hit play.

Now the day is over. I didn’t do my 20 minutes of reading. However, I did do my Jesus stitches. Sheba and I had our afternoon walk. Saskatoon is melting. Puddles of water everywhere. The snow is fast disappearing,  making visible loads of dog poop left behind by lazy dog owners. I’m still on that rant. I better leave it behind with the poop. I had my happy hour doing my free motion stitching with my Bernina and watching the setting sun. Life is good somehow.

20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES

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It’s 9:12 am. I’m doing well in some areas of my new life. I’ve done my reading for 20 minutes, 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation and almost 20 minutes of my Jesus stitches. I feel somewhat psychologically nauseous, not at all at one with the world. I do believe with a change in anything, I will feel worse before I will begin to feel better and that this is worth the effort. I know that in my head if not in my heart.

But hey, here I am, tapping out my testimony. I will feel what I feel, think what I think. I will try not to pass judgement on any of this. My hands feel weak, limp at the wrist. The Jesus stitches were more difficult this morning. I had to count rows, change threads, use my magnifying glass to see where in the pattern I’m at. It’s complicated. I hate complications. I hate the counting and recounting. I would like to coast and not to change threads and have all the stitches the same. But it would make for a bland, no picture, wouldn’t it? So I suck it up and breathe into and out of my frustrations. Another little section accompli. Now I have to go for my cuppa.

It is 12:16 pm. I’ve spent some time sewing on my tablecloth. Had another mishap with finger in the way of the needle. Not being mindful again but at least the needle did not break. I might have to wear a thimble on that finger. Lunch is finished but the dishes not yet dealt with. I’ve made my appointment at the hearing center at Costco to get my hearing checked and a consultation about hearing aids. Hearing loss, no matter how small, affects brain function. Not doing anything about it is laziness and procrastination on my part. It is another positive step for me.

The MUSTS are done for the day. I can coast relax a little for the rest of the day. It is advisable not to tax myself with too long a list. It would be good if I can do the dishes and a few other household chores. Then I need to schedule a happy hour or just 20 minutes.

THE GIRL I WANT TO BE

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This morning I sat with Melli O’Brien and Jack Kornfield for the Mindfulness Summit’s session on how to integrate spiritual life with everyday life. It’s good to review and revisit the sessions from October 2015. When things are going well, I tend to forget and drop my practice of being in the moment along with my qigong routine. It’s when I’m in distress, I grope my way back. I have done this time and time again. I am sure I am not alone.

It took some effort to quiet my mind to sit, watch and listen. Like Anne Lamott says: My mind is like a bad neighbourhood. I try not to go there alone. Oh, I wish I had written that! She talks like I feel. It’s great that someone else has the same feelings. I don’t feel so alone in my ‘badness’. It’s a conundrum why I feel this way. The only explanation is I am vocal about my feelings and opinions. It’s what is advocated – be open, be honest. Yet when you are I am, I get feelings of disapproval. Maybe I’m just thin skinned. I cannot help being who I am – open and honest. I do know the word tact. I was well brought up.

It is ridiculous that I feel this insecurity in this stage of my life. Why am I still seeking approval from anyone? Am I not grown? Am I not responsible? Am I not independent? Of course, I am to all of the above. What I am seeking now is freedom from this feeling of ‘badness’, of not being enough of this and that, of being at fault for everything. I am seeking peace of mind and NOT  approval.

I am sitting in mindfulness. I close my eyes and try to picture the girl I want to be. Peace and contentment came over me. I do not really see a girl. I felt her. I felt her goodness, kindness and generosity. I am not a bad girl at all. Please do not transfer your feelings onto me. Give me a break.

I AM THE REASON

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It’s my therapy hour. I’ve come to tap myself well. I’m pleased to say that my cough has eased alot. I had a decent night of sleep, though I did have to get up and sleep on the couch for a spell. I made myself relax and stay in bed till almost 7 am. I had lost the art of sleep and rest for awhile. There was too much energy bouncing off walls. I had great difficulty harnessing it and bringing myself back to centre.

I’ve returned to my mindfulness practice. It’s not easy. First I had to gain a level of calmness to be receptive. I had spent the month of October, 2015 with the Mindfulness Summit. I bought the whole program and still has access to it. It was the best thing I had done for myself. So this morningI found myself sitting again with Melli Obrien and her guest, Paul Gilbert.

Professor Paul Gilbert’s presentation on the Importance of Self Compassion alone is worth the cost. His explanation on our brain gave me the insight on how we are all wired. It helped to stop my blaming and trashing myself. It is not my fault. I didn’t choose the brain I was given. Having an understanding of my brain wiring helps me to make wiser choices and how to work with the brain I was given. Every insight makes life a little easier. He has written a book on The Compassionate Mind. It has some good and bad reviews. I have ordered it from the library and will judge for myself.

This road is rocky and tricky, especially when I have a tricky brain. But aren’t all roads full of potholes? What I know for sure is I shouldn’t keep falling into the same damn hole. The least I can do is go down a different street with different holes. I could learn something new and develop new pathways in my brain. Life is hard. It is hard to get up, dress up and show up every morning. But I am  enough reason to do so – every single morning.

 

THE EVENING OF THE DAY

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It is the end of the day. I feel I could break into that Rolling Stone song, As Tears Go By. Do you know that my head is like a jukebox, full of songs? It can be triggered by a thought or a phrase. I would hear a song play in my head – all for free. The melody and words to As Tears Go By is lovely. This video is lovely, too, even if Mick is not any longer. It’s worth a watch.

I have to admit that I don’t listen to much music any more except to the stuff in my head. It would do me good if I would take the time to sit and just listen. Do you take the time? There’s always something else and so much of other stuff calling my name. How can I just sit, not do anything except listen to music? I can’t just watch television. I have to knit all the while. I can’t just sit and drink tea. I have to read also. I wasn’t always like this. I wonder what happened and when.

My head is not an orderly neural network. The streets and avenues within intersect, crisscross haphazardly every which way. No compass or GPS could help me. I could try music therapy. I could try to just sit, drink tea and listen to music. I could try to do that for one cup of tea once a day. I could try it for a month and see what would happen to my head.