Learning in Stuck

Posted on December 11, 2025 by hafong

How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

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I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.

Working through the blahs

Posted on November 8, 2025 by hafong

Another sunny November morning. The sun comes up much later now. Still, I’m happy to see its shine. Surprisingly some of my garden still survives. The celery, Swiss chard and kohlrabi perk up after the morning chill eases. I’ve just harvested a handful of chard to add to my pot of tomato soup. We’re hoping our tomatoes will survive another 3 weeks. We like to boast that we have our own garden tomatoes up to December. It will be close. I still have a few tomatoes on the vine in the greenhouse.

Life feels a bit strange. I feel a bit detached. I am an observer, feeling not part of the world. I wonder what happened to my ‘passions‘. It sounds like a silly word with no meaning. Perhaps I am just tired. But aren ‘t we all? So I should just shut up and carry on though there is no fire in my heart. It could be just a case of the blahs. It will surely pass as many things do. There is no need for me to fret. Meanwhile I will manage life in small chunks. I no longer need to be Wonder Woman. I cannot leap over tall buildings or even short ones for that matter.

What and how will I do? Carry on as normal/usual. Using some of Regina Brett’s quotes:

“No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up, and show up for life.”
“Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment.”

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It’s taken me 2 days to get back here to finish what I have started. Some days I am loathed to move and get on with it. It is especially so on cloudy November days. Today we have a bit of snow to brighten up the grey. It’s only by gosh, darn, I should and I must that I got myself moving this morning. Hanging up clean bath and dish towels and putting the dirty ones in th laundry tweaked by brain into a bit of wakefulness. Another cup of tea doesn’t hurt either. I just have to do whatever it takes not to let myself sink into melancholy and apathy.

Right now I am defrosting some ground beef for lunch. I am also going through the cooler and rescuing veggies that need some attention. Much as I would like, things don’t take care of themselves. Darn anyways! I guess now is a good time to assess and plan our garden needs for next spring.What do we want and like? What do we have too much of? What stores and keeps well? How is our health and physical capabilities? These are a few things I can think about. I do not have to dwell in kingdom of gloom and doom. Move and think, Self!

It is My Nature

Posted on October 21, 2025 by hafong

Another cool October day. I’m starting to repeat myself. That’s not what I want to do but it’s difficult to change my tune. We are really predictable. We all have our telltale signatures of how we speak, laugh and behave. I’ve been told my laugh is very recognizable. It’s nice to know that it is pleasant. I’ve been told by a few people that they love my laugh. I have heard some laughs that really grate on my nerve. I wonder if we can change these undesirable aspects of ourselves. Or are we doomed?

I like to think that we have some control, that we can change. But here I am, writing in my usual sad sack voice. Sometimes I am not sad but I must sound it. One friend reading my post reached out, offering me help and a place to stay if needed. She was very kind and compassionate. I do wonder whether her nature and life experience affected her interpretation of my words. Her son had suffered from depression and committed suicide. She had not seen the signs.

Eh! I’m falling into myself again, talking a sad streak. It’s not my fault. It is my nature but I am making an effort to cheer up. I like to change my tune. Maybe that could be my goal for the next Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a few months to work on it. Regardless, I’m taking a run at my day. I felt a spark of joy yesterday having a clean house and a cleared diningroom table. I’m keeping that in my mind’s eye to light my way.

Working out of Acedia

Posted on October 20, 2025 by hafong

A cool cloudy October 20th, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. We’ve weathered through the first year. We took some flowers to her grave site yesterday. We had a rose for her friend, Amy but we couldn’t find her unmarked site. We knew it was nearby but it was too cold to do a long search. We added the rose to mom’s bouquet. Next visit, Amy.

A year is not a long time. Her absence felt long. I can’t remember or feel the time between her leaving and the present. I find myself wondering what the heck happened. How did I get here? It is best to leave those feelings and questions unexplored. I would only get lost in them and it would do more harm than good.

So here I am, on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t completely dispelled my acedia which is described by AI as a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care, often involving spiritual or moral laziness and indifference. I sometimes still find myself emotionless, incapable of being upset by anything or anyone. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’ve been too emotional in the past, with a short fuse, erupting like a volcano too often. It’s restful being in acedia.

I think I needed acedia but I’m slowing easing out of it. Maybe it’s due to my daily tapping on the keyboard. Maybe it is making an intention of losing 17 pounds. Today I feel a tiny twinge of being alive and slightly kicking. I feel trimmer, losing the pound I gained. I vacuumed yesterday. The house feels so much cleaner. The diningroom table is once again cleared. Can I say hallelujah?

It’s a Mad, Mad World

Posted on October 17, 2025 by hafong

There seems to be so much madness in our world today. Wednesday morning a man was seen praying, standing on top of his car in traffic. Not long after there’s a car chase and crash on the University bridge. It took hours to clear the bridge. We had to take an alternate route to get home. We were lucky not to be on the bridge when it happened. It’s dangerous reading the news in the morning. News of violence so near can and has colour the rest of my day.

My mood can turn on a dime. When it happens, it is usually not in the right direction. It’s good for me to recognize this. I can pause, breathe and think about how I will deal with it. Byron Katie’s The Work came to mind. I’ve learned to ask my own questions. What if I don’t have this feeling? is what I asked myself today. And how can I rid/change it?

It’s difficult to protect oneself from the bad stuff because we all live in the same world. So I’m turning to my keyboard and my cuppa Orange Pekoe for comfort. My tea, of course, is not black. That would offer me no joy. This morning the scale at the gym told me I gained a pound. I try not to feel crestfallen. I think of it as a pound of muscle. I do feel trimmer. I’m adding more aerobics to my workout. Today I did 50 skips of jump rope and 10 minutes of the bike. My goal is to work up to 100 skips at one go eventually.

It helps that today was bathed in sunshine. Taking my father out for coffee helps, too. It gives me a sense of purpose. Seeing my pink door as I drove off helps, too. Sunshine and colour are good for the heart.

Getting Unstuck

Posted on October 3, 2025 by hafong

A cool grey October 3. I’m late in rising in the dark of the morning. I’ve had a hearty breakfast of porridge, a boiled egg and a thick slice of toast. I’m ready for the day. I’m ready to take a run at it. I’ve been in stuck this past year. It’s time to dust my self off, pull up my socks and hoist myself out of the rut. It is not an easy thing and I will fall back time and time again but I have to at least try. It is best to strike when the iron is hot. The saying also goes to say, Do not wait till the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking.

I’m going to use both quotes to add fuel to the fire. Once in awhile I’m buoyed by good vibes and things flow effortlessly. But I’m often afflicted with acedia. This is how Wikipedia describes it -“Acedia has been variously defined as a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one’s position or condition in the world.” When I’m in acedia I need a stick to prod me into action. That is why sometimes I have to take a run at it. I’m using this month to write myself out of acedia into a better space.

No doubt that life is hard. It is for everyone. I want it to be a reason to live and to give it my best go. The day is grey but I have 2 pink doors to lighten up my world. And the garden still grows. Cooler weather is coming so I better get off my duff and finish harvesting.

Different Shades

Posted on September 20, 2025 by hafong

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

A sunny September morning. I’m dragging my ass around. I wonder when and if this malaise will leave me. Until things or I change, I will keep on dragging, one foot in front of the other. I wonder how many fellow draggers are out there. Surely I can’t be the only one. I’m not full of cheer but I am not filled with gloom either. Can I be just neutral or are there different shades? I’ve never been bubbly or gregarious but neither am I silent and reclusive. Sometimes I talk too much. I feel somewhat defective and lacking.

I find the world and life very heavy and challenging. I am grateful that I don’t have to go out there having to work at a ‘job’ to earn a living. I guess I’ve done my time and paid my dues. But there’s no sitting back, relaxing and enjoying it all. Now comes the hard stuff, the stuff I’ve swept under the carpet to be delt with later, the later which is now. It is true that you can run but you can’t hide. Things never go away. They catch up with you.

I find everything hard because I let them be. They are hard because I don’t deal with them in a timely fashion. I spend too much time to look for reasons and explanations of the whys of everything. Sometimes there are no rhyme or reason. If only I can just get on with things. So many if onlys. I need to stop thinking and saying that, too. Just decide. Just move. Just do it.

Looking in All the Wrong/Right Places

Posted on July 24, 2025 by hafong

Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.

I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.

I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.

Working on Living

Posted on July 2, 2025 by hafong

Yesterday was a hard day. I finished reading What My Father and I Don’t Talk About. It was a great read of 16 writers’ essays on their fathers. However, it left me feeling more melancholic than usual. I would still like to read What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About though we had talked plenty. I am sure that she had not told me everything. Now, I can’t ask her. I am still travelling in the landscape of the bereaved. Some days are harder than others. The heat and humidity made it harder yesterday. I know that life goes on no matter how I feel. The world still spins on its axis. The sun still rise and set each day. And so must I – rise to the challenges of living and then rest when tired.

I took my father out for lunch yesterday. I didn’t realize it was Canada Day but it worked out well. At least I can say that’s how I celebrated our country’s birthday when people ask. I’m not big on celebrations. I am a true humbug. I think that came from being an immigrate child of immigrants. We were poor starting out in this country. We didn’t celebrate birthdays, Christmas, New Year, Easter, and Thanksgiving like everybody else. On Canada Day, we didn’t join in the town’s festivities. So I do think that as a child, I must have felt left out, odd, not belonging, etc. etc.

I tried hard yesterday not to languish in my melancholia. I tackled 2 bags of my mother’s clothes laying dormant on the basement floor. It wasn’t too bad, not worsening my mood. The clothes stirred up some good and happy memories of mom in her younger years. Now, I see her vibrant and happy in my mind’s eye. For me, sorting the 2 bags was a big accomplishment and enough for one day.

Today, I am feeling better. The heat is still on but there’s not the humidity/heaviness weighing me down. There is a breeze. I am okay. I went to the gym this morning. Worked the weights. Worked on skipping techniques. Worked on hula hooping. I can talk and hula at the same time. Now to hula while walking. That’s another thing. So meanwhile I am working on feeling social and feeling good. I’m going to sock it to life.

PS. I am also working on the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Pushing Through

Posted on June 28, 2025 by hafong

I’m feeling my fragility this morning. I’m afraid to go there, not even knowing where ‘there’ is. It’s well known it’s not good to watch the news before bedtime. It applies to reading news posts on social media with my morning tea, too. I’m greatly disturbed by 2 articles this morning. The first one on Mads Mikklesen, a Norweigan tourist being blocked from entering the U.S. The 2nd story involves an unprovoked attack on an Afghan toddler in Moscow airport.

I really don’t have the time or energy for this but it’s hard to avoid or resist bad news. My human nature of curiosity gets the best of me and I investigate further into the story of John Hunt even though it added to my distress and worsen my mental health. If I am to live in this world, I have to be awake to it all. Let me be a big girl, grow up and develop a strong backbone. I can do it.

It’s taking me time to write this post. There’s so much to do. I’m so weighed down with all my feelings. The only thing to do is push, push and push through despite everything. So I’ve paid this month’s bills and swept the sunroom floor. Though I was sagging with emotions and the humidity from our weird thunder and rain storms, I’ve repotted 4 of my mother’s house plants. It felt good to seem the plants perk up after. In between raindrops, I planted a row of coneflowers and a few marigolds in mom’s/dad’s frontyard flowerbed.

It didn’t feel so hard after everything was said and done. I was tired and sweaty but happy. I loaded the wheelchair and got my father into the car and off we went to the mall for a leisurely stroll and coffee.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mental health