The Next Thing to Do

Posted on January 28, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy misty January 28th. Only -18℃. Almost tropical weather for us northern snowbirds. My head feels a bit like pillow stuffings. I had one of those sleepless nights, not terribly restless but not restful either. I probably slept too much the other night. Didn’t go to the gym yesterday either. Then there’s all that thinking and ruminating. I was never any good at solving human problems. I was never any good at communications. I was never good at being open and clear. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I end up hurting my own. I think I am what you would call a self-suffering fool.

You know what they say about fools. They keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I’m guilty of that. I’ve been trying to unbecome myself for a long time with no luck. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself a couple of times. I’m still the same self-suffering fool. Knowledge without real work does not create long lasting change. So I continue to experience these episodes of suffering and sleepless nights. I guess it’s not a bad thing. It wakes me up. I need to change my ways. I need to stop doing the same old, same old. I have to shake things up a little. Discomfort for everyone can be illuminating.

Daily Ranting

Posted on January 27, 2026 by hafong

It’s a balmy sunny -21℃ January 27th. I should be full of vim and vinegar but I am not. Our flip flopping weather and the world at large have taken a toll on me. I slept in till almost 9 am. Now, I’m sitting, heavy and sodden with a sourdough pancakes and ham breakfast. I’m wondering what I shall I write for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having seen Downfall, a movie about Hitler’s last days a couple of evenings ago, I can’t help but see the similiarity of what is happening today in the U.S. Then and now, so many people are so admiring and loyal to Hitler and Trump even when their evil is so obvious. And I can’t help but think of the Vietnam war, having watched Platoon last night.

Clearly, I am thinking too much. But is it bad or wrong? Should I not be thinking and questioning? My thinking still led me further to remembering Jonestown. And I wondered if we’ve been gassed, sprayed with agent orange and drank the kool aide. I know I am thinking and talking crazy. It’s not my fault. The world is crazy. And crazy things have happened. I’m thinking and working out how best to live without going crazy. I really meant to write about how daily practices help maintain and improve mental health. I’ve wandered far off the path and ranted instead. Maybe tomorrow I can steer myself back in.

What Still Matters

Posted on January 24, 2026 by hafong

The cold temperatures are still with us. It’s -31℃. The sun is a weak yellow halo in a pale grey blue sky. I don’t really mind. I feel more alert, focused and at ease. The early mornings are still dark. It is restful to sit with just my cup of tea, not thinking and scrolling. After I’ve finished, I realize that what I felt was pleasure. It made me smile. It gave me joy and I made a second cup of tea.

I’m sitting not so pretty this morning. My hair is yet not combed but I am dressed and tapping rhythmically on the trusty keyboard. I’m not sitting so pretty but I am sitting content and at peace. That is what still matters at this stage in my life. Life hasn’t been exactly a bowl of cherries, especially the last couple of years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. When I think of it now, it’s been rather exciting and jarring. So I think excitement still matters, no matter what age we’re at. I need jarring out of my complacency.

Life is strange. I didn’t really think that I would be here talking like this. But here I am. So how am I talking anyways? A bunch of nonsense probably. But it’s good to flex my fingers and make them move on the keyboard. The exercise is waking up my senses, increasing my serotonin and making those dendrites snap more effeciently. I hope they are also working on and improving my ear hair cells. Hope and strange happenings still matter. Surprises still matter. Everything still matters.

Why I Bother

Posted on January 23, 2026 by hafong

January 22, 2026. A sunny bitterly cold morning. Just what I like. I’m wearing a black silk/nylon/mohair sweater with sequins from years ago. I’m sipping my second cup of tea and hoping to tap out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Just a little over a week left in January. I’m not as enthused this round with my words. I’m not showing up every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Why I bother is because it is the best/better mode of releasing stress for me. I can lash out with my words without causing self harm and hurt to others. It is only true when I confine my words to this space. I can poke a bear awake with my keyboard just as well as with my sharp tongue. I felt the result of that yesterday. I ran into a very old colleague whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I greeted her. She let me know in no uncertain words and facial expression that I am not loved.”There’s no need to say hello when you had been so rude to me on Facebook.” She retorted.

I was and was not surprised. That had been over a year ago in October of 2024. It was soon after my mother’s funeral. I was somewhat crazy and she irritated me greatly with her comments on our lunch group page. I was instrumental in adding and including her to the group after she expressed being left out. She did not once showed up but always responded with some irritating comment. After many months, I removed her. What followed was very strange and ugly. I regretted all my actions. How silly to lose my much needed energy this way.

So it is another cold morning. January 23rd. -37℃. No sun yet. The cold is good enough reason to take a break from the gym. I have soup souping in the Instant Pot. I am hoping to tap a good ending to this post. The flip flopping of temperatures is hard on the body. I am adjusting and readjusting to that and life as well. I tend to have the archetype of a rescuer. What I haven’t learned is that not everyone wants to be rescued. I haven’t realized that I am not that powerful. I am not God though I have been told. Hence, energy drains out of me.

Today, I am doing self care. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I don’t have to save everyone or anyone. It is good to let go and let it be. Peace.

Same Time Last Year

Posted on January 18, 2026 by hafong

Sunny Sunday at last! It’s a reason to cheer. I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I have my blue sweater, earrings and eyebrows on. I’m not moving any faster but breakfast and dishes are done. The kitchen floor swept. I have plans of picking up my knitting needles and starting another logcabin quilt. My sister said she would love one. It’s easier when you are making it for someone. Having projects is good for the heart and soul. And it is good to follow through and finish. So I shall work on following through to finish this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I am feeling grateful on this Sunday remembering how far I’ve come from the same time last year. This time last year was the 3rd month after my mother had passed. I had tubes in my ears. I was still without much hearing but had alot of choral music and singing in my head. It drove me a bit batty. I felt cognitively impaired and exhausted. The good thing was I was able to sleep. It was in January that I started a daily journal, charting how I was hearing and the noise in my head. I stopped sometimes in June because I was too focused on my maladies. It wasn’t good for my mental or physical health.

This time last year I was stressed and distressed. I was surprisingly not depressed. I knew I had to be careful and not sink into those blues. I had to keep my spirits up to heal. I read Caroline Myss’s and Herbert Benson’s books on healing. I meditated on the word joy. I painted it. I walked to the mall, the Dollar Store, the Asian Market. I walked somewhere every day. Today I am surprised by how much I did this time last year.

I am rejoicing at this recollection of my warrior self. I still have it in me to ‘joy’ on. February is on the horizon. My 2026 100dayproject will be doing another 100 logcabin quilt squares. I better sharpen my rotary cutter, clean and oil my Bernina 790 sewing machine.

Moving Forward

Posted on December 28, 2025 by hafong

I do believe that cleanliness is next to holiness. Having finally pushed myself out of my quagmire, the upstairs floors are vacuumed. The kitchen and bathroom floors washed. I feel ever so much better. It’s pretty bad when I keep skirting around a dead bug belly up and legs curled on the floor for many a day. I wonder why it is hard to perform some jobs sometimes. I will never know the answer. It’s part of being human so it is best that I just move onward and forward.

One part of the top floor I haven’t tended to is the sunroom, my so called sancturary. I should really give it more respect. The floor is not vacuumed or washed. It is sticky where I had spilled my morning tea. I hadn’t bothered to wipe it, thinking it small. I think I was wrong. At least I’ve washed my little lap quilt before the tea stains take hold. Life is hard and I am not the Wonder Woman I want to be. I’m chugging along as best as I can. My golden lasso is a bit tarnished.

The days are slowly getting longer though the mornings are still ever so dark. The sun did not rise till 9:16 am. It’s no wonder I couldn’t get out of bed till close to 8. It is out in full golden glory at this moment. It lights me up. I put the sadness and heaviness back on the shelf. There’s no place for them now.

Learning in Stuck

Posted on December 11, 2025 by hafong

How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

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I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.

Working through the blahs

Posted on November 8, 2025 by hafong

Another sunny November morning. The sun comes up much later now. Still, I’m happy to see its shine. Surprisingly some of my garden still survives. The celery, Swiss chard and kohlrabi perk up after the morning chill eases. I’ve just harvested a handful of chard to add to my pot of tomato soup. We’re hoping our tomatoes will survive another 3 weeks. We like to boast that we have our own garden tomatoes up to December. It will be close. I still have a few tomatoes on the vine in the greenhouse.

Life feels a bit strange. I feel a bit detached. I am an observer, feeling not part of the world. I wonder what happened to my ‘passions‘. It sounds like a silly word with no meaning. Perhaps I am just tired. But aren ‘t we all? So I should just shut up and carry on though there is no fire in my heart. It could be just a case of the blahs. It will surely pass as many things do. There is no need for me to fret. Meanwhile I will manage life in small chunks. I no longer need to be Wonder Woman. I cannot leap over tall buildings or even short ones for that matter.

What and how will I do? Carry on as normal/usual. Using some of Regina Brett’s quotes:

“No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up, and show up for life.”
“Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment.”

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It’s taken me 2 days to get back here to finish what I have started. Some days I am loathed to move and get on with it. It is especially so on cloudy November days. Today we have a bit of snow to brighten up the grey. It’s only by gosh, darn, I should and I must that I got myself moving this morning. Hanging up clean bath and dish towels and putting the dirty ones in th laundry tweaked by brain into a bit of wakefulness. Another cup of tea doesn’t hurt either. I just have to do whatever it takes not to let myself sink into melancholy and apathy.

Right now I am defrosting some ground beef for lunch. I am also going through the cooler and rescuing veggies that need some attention. Much as I would like, things don’t take care of themselves. Darn anyways! I guess now is a good time to assess and plan our garden needs for next spring.What do we want and like? What do we have too much of? What stores and keeps well? How is our health and physical capabilities? These are a few things I can think about. I do not have to dwell in kingdom of gloom and doom. Move and think, Self!

It is My Nature

Posted on October 21, 2025 by hafong

Another cool October day. I’m starting to repeat myself. That’s not what I want to do but it’s difficult to change my tune. We are really predictable. We all have our telltale signatures of how we speak, laugh and behave. I’ve been told my laugh is very recognizable. It’s nice to know that it is pleasant. I’ve been told by a few people that they love my laugh. I have heard some laughs that really grate on my nerve. I wonder if we can change these undesirable aspects of ourselves. Or are we doomed?

I like to think that we have some control, that we can change. But here I am, writing in my usual sad sack voice. Sometimes I am not sad but I must sound it. One friend reading my post reached out, offering me help and a place to stay if needed. She was very kind and compassionate. I do wonder whether her nature and life experience affected her interpretation of my words. Her son had suffered from depression and committed suicide. She had not seen the signs.

Eh! I’m falling into myself again, talking a sad streak. It’s not my fault. It is my nature but I am making an effort to cheer up. I like to change my tune. Maybe that could be my goal for the next Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a few months to work on it. Regardless, I’m taking a run at my day. I felt a spark of joy yesterday having a clean house and a cleared diningroom table. I’m keeping that in my mind’s eye to light my way.

Working out of Acedia

Posted on October 20, 2025 by hafong

A cool cloudy October 20th, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. We’ve weathered through the first year. We took some flowers to her grave site yesterday. We had a rose for her friend, Amy but we couldn’t find her unmarked site. We knew it was nearby but it was too cold to do a long search. We added the rose to mom’s bouquet. Next visit, Amy.

A year is not a long time. Her absence felt long. I can’t remember or feel the time between her leaving and the present. I find myself wondering what the heck happened. How did I get here? It is best to leave those feelings and questions unexplored. I would only get lost in them and it would do more harm than good.

So here I am, on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t completely dispelled my acedia which is described by AI as a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care, often involving spiritual or moral laziness and indifference. I sometimes still find myself emotionless, incapable of being upset by anything or anyone. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’ve been too emotional in the past, with a short fuse, erupting like a volcano too often. It’s restful being in acedia.

I think I needed acedia but I’m slowing easing out of it. Maybe it’s due to my daily tapping on the keyboard. Maybe it is making an intention of losing 17 pounds. Today I feel a tiny twinge of being alive and slightly kicking. I feel trimmer, losing the pound I gained. I vacuumed yesterday. The house feels so much cleaner. The diningroom table is once again cleared. Can I say hallelujah?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mental health