Tag Archives: life

HIBERNATION AND HOMECOMING

Posted on by
2

We are getting into the heart of December. The nights are longer and darker. I slept in to almost 8 am. My blackout curtains and all the fresh air from cross country skiing are helping, too. The sun is out, pale and cool. It is -11 Celsius outside and -6.1 in the greenhouse. It is almost 10:30. I think I have given up on having homegrown lettuce for now. I might just stick my tray of lettuce seedlings under grow lights. If I’m really keen, I can investigate the hydroponic Kratky Method. I could have lettuce in 5 weeks. Better yet, I should just stop fussing and use this time to rest, read, ski and all that leads to self care and rejuvenation. I should take the lead from the bears and ‘hibernate’ through winter and wake up, hungry for life and adventures. In this case, hibernation is the feeding of my soul.

I am heeding my own advice, not fussing too much. It is almost 7 pm. I am waiting for supper. We eat like the French – late. I took a rest from skiing today. My parents have been on my mind. I took out some Chinese books for them from our public library a few days ago. It’s easier to visit when I have something to give them. It’s easier to have a reason. It’s difficult to just drop by these days. I’m out of the habit, thanks to Covide-19. It’s good news that the government have approved the vaccine and that it is due in Saskatchewan by mid December. I’m not so sure that we will get out of the woods just like that though.

I shall not dwell on that but on things that I can do. I am entering week 2 of Stephanie Vogt’s A Year to Clear. She begins it with an old Sious saying: The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart. It is so true. Self confessions are the hardest. Posting a photo of myself when I was about 7/8 for Susannah Conway’s December Reflections, I felt the child in me for the first time. It was a very strange, wondrous and homecoming moment. My insides cried for the child that was me, for not having known her then and for not being with her. But I can rejoice now. I have found her. December is a good month to get acquainted. We are in darkness. There are no distractions.

THE YEAR AHEAD

Posted on by
6

These may not be the best of times. It certainly is the strangest of times. Most of all, it is the only time we have. I’m trying to find a way to make the most of it. I’ve been a little frustrated, irritated, a little angry, a little up and a little down, feeling the whole kaleidoscope of emotions. Today I’m feeling more at ease and relaxed. I’ve come through the clouds though it is a cloudy day. No sun at all but it is a mild December day. It is -1 degrees Celsius. It is cooler in the greenhouse, -1.6.

I’ve been frustrated with my clutter, my inefficiency. It seems I’ve been working at it for years. Or have I? I’m probably just spinning in my tracks, going nowhere. I have Stephanie Bennett Vogt’s A Year to Clear on my Kindle app. Maybe it’s time for me to open it and follow it daily. The chapters are in weeks and within days. Surely I can tackle a single day at a time. It will be good training for my errant brain. I really have difficulty concentrating and doing things step by step in order. I often skip the middle of the book and read the ending. I am impatient. I can’t tolerate/enjoy the whole process. Often I don’t make it back to read the whole story.

I’m practicing on being more patient, tapping slowing and patiently on my keyboard. Sometimes my thoughts race ahead of my fingers. It’s torture to proofread but I will start to do that from now on. I’m good at figuring out computer glitches. I tap here and there until everything works. I can’t tell you how or why though. That’s what my brain is like – a mess of synapses snapping away. Order inside and out is what I desire. I will put that down on my list on my Notes app.

The day has progressed into evening. I will shut it down soon. I have opened A Year to Clear. I will take the time to work through the days and weeks. I am taking this week to relax into the process and to reflect on what it is that I want to clear and what to keep. It is not just about stuff. My mind is as cluttered as my dining room table. I will take it slow and easy. I have a whole year ahead.

IF WISHES WERE HORSES

Posted on by
Reply

The prompt today for Susannah Conway’s December Reflections is: on my wish list. It caused me pause for reflection. Have I ever wished for anything? None that I can remember for eons and eons. Oh yes, There was a time when I was young with hormones and desires. I think I yearned for romance but not with a house, picket fence and kids. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them. They just hadn’t enter my mind. Neither did I think about how to get the romance. I just wished and sighed. It took some time for me to realize that nothing comes out of just wishing and a-hoping.

As I’ve said before, I wasn’t born into the Christmas and Santa Claus story. I’ve never had a wishlist. I don’t have one now. It would be a good exercise for me to make a list of what I really, really want. It would be really, really tough. It was easier when I was a child. I wanted to ride a bicycle. I wanted to learn how to swim. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t then. Maybe it was because we were new immigrants and didn’t have enough money. But in high school my dad bought me a blue 1954 Ford. It had an automatic transmission. I was not a good driver. I kept flooding it. A bicycle would have given me more joy.

I guess I did put those 2 items on my adult wishlist. I’ve learned to ride a bike and how to swim. I am not excellent at them but now have a few bikes and bathing suits. Having a list isn’t all that important. Knowing myself is. I’m not interested in acquiring things as much as I want to acquire skills. Cross country skiing wasn’t on top of any list. They’ve been in my closet for 30 some years. I wasn’t really itching to bring them out. The guy brought them out into open. I said I would give them a try.

The snow fell and fell and the Covid-19 numbers climbed and climbed. Sunday’s Covid stats was pretty scary – 4 deaths and 415 new cases. Today’s – 1 death and 274 new cases. It’s best to stay out of the gym and into the park. Staying upright on those 2 sticks gave me a sense of purpose. Falling down is no humiliation. Getting up is a triumph. I feel like Rocky/Sylvester Stallone on skis. I’m not gliding smoothly along – yet. It is something to work toward. Having goals/wishlist is most desirable in maintaining mental health.

I’m happy to return to this space to tap out a few words, ideas and maybe some inspiration. It’s very grounding to put thoughts to words and to see them march across the screen. Nothing can happen in a vacuum. Action is needed. You need to rub 2 stones to create a spark which can light a fire.

‘TIS THE SEASON

Posted on by
7

‘Tis the season is in the air. And Covid-19 is the gift that keeps giving but is it the gift we want? Today the stats in our province are 1 death and 283 new cases. Perhaps it is a good time to rethink Christmas and gifting. Perhaps it is a good opportunity for all of us to exam what Christmas means. Perhaps the best gift this year is distance. It could save lives and our economy. It would mean less new cases mushrooming out of control. We would get back to ‘normal’ quicker. It would mean getting back to ‘business’ again. Less strain on the healthcare system. Less strain on everyone. So why aren’t we doing it?

I feel like I’m the original scrooge. I am. Christmas does not really work for me any more? Did it ever? I was not born into this culture. We did not celebrate Christmas. I did not have birthday presents and parties either. When I was a child in China, I got a boiled egg and a chicken drumstick on my birthday. They were considered a treat. When we came to Canada, we adopted some of the western traditions to fit in. I’m not sure that I ever felt it worked. I still felt lacking on these occasions.

Now that I’m all grown up and more, I don’t feel the need to pretend. Covid-19 is giving me and everyone of us the opportunity to come out of the closet. This opportunity is a good thing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not celebrating Covid-19. I’ve been in a bit of a difficult patch lately. It’s been colouring all mine and probably your days, too. You can’t help but talk about it when you’re in conversation with your family and friends. It is not at all uplifting or relaxing but you can’t stop.

I’m trying to stop: letting Covid colour my thoughts and days; being a hardcore scrooge. I’m going for a softer heart and more joy. I don’t believe there is a Santa Claus. My name is not Virginia. And I can’t believe that there is a man God up in the sky. So what do I believe in? Where do I go from here? To be continue….

DECEMBER REFLECTIONS

Posted on by
2

So it is December and what have I learned? November is over and things will never be the same again. Today our Covid-19 stats are, 181 new cases and 4 deaths. Our provincial government has not made any new changes. We, as individuals, must change and assume responsibility for doing the proper thing.

So it is December. A lot of things have happened in the last 11 months. It’s a year ago Sheba had a big hematoma in her left ear. It was big like a perogy. She had to have it drained 3 times. It was a tough one. There were many sleepless nights but we pulled through. We went back to enjoying our walks and romps in the dog park. She was good till she wasn’t. She went to doggy heaven middle of May. She was always a happy girl – right till the end.

It is December. What a year we had. My mother came down with shingles shortly before Covid-19 came to Saskatchewan. Oh, the pain, the worry. Then it went into her eye the day Saskatchewan declared state of emergency. Everything shut down. We were in a state of emergency also. We got in to the Eye Center at City Hospital. I lit a candle, said a prayer each night, asking others to do the same. Our prayers were answered. My mother recovered her eye sight. It was not till middle of May she had her last medical appointment.

It is December. Summer is long past but it was good. We had a successful growing season and good harvest. Autumn has passed, too. We’ve built a greenhouse. It was finished just before the snow came. Winter is here but I am looking forward to spring. I got a seed order away yesterday. I suspect I will be looking through the catalogues again and finding more to order. Soon January will be here. It will be time to start a few tomatoes and other things. Spring will come early for us in the greenhouse.

So it is almost Christmas. I hope we will have peace and less Covid. I don’t need to go shopping for gifts. I will be happy if we are safe. I will be happy if we love one another.

GRATITUDE MONDAY

Posted on by
Reply

I think it is a good idea to start the week and end the month with a post on gratitude. Even though our province is still racking up high numbers on new Covid-19 cases, there’s alot for us/me to be grateful for.

  • It is a beautiful sunny warm November day for a ski.
  • The guy and I both have good physical and mental health. We have purpose. We are busy and happy with many interests and projects.
  • I am grateful to live in this province of living skies, that we have the wide open prairies. We have lots of space to move around. We are not locked in or down but we do need to be careful and thoughtful about what we do.
  • I am grateful to have had Sheba for almost 14 years. She’s the one that got me out no matter what, to look up, to see the blue and grey of the sky. She taught me unconditional love and true grit.
  • I am grateful for this day. It will not come again. Tomorrow will be a different day. It will be December.

WHAT KEEPS ME UP AND GOING

Posted on by
2

What Keeps Me Up and Going

What do you do to keep your spirits up, to keep the ball rolling? I have today and tomorrow to finish the month of daily posting. I am pretty sure I can finish by gosh and darn. I hope to keep going beyond into December. It helps to have a place to come to at the end of the day to unload, de-stress, to pass on a bit of news, wisdom or joy. Writing and chronicling my day gives me a sense of purpose. It is hard to have a conversation without Covid-19 butting in. Such are our times. In Saskatchewan we have 351 new cases, 94 in Saskatoon. It’s hard not to feel the heaviness of these times.

I plod along, trying to do my daily best. It’s best to have a list of things I want to do each day. I make it before bedtime. I still keep it in my head. That’s on top of my list, to make a list each day. Today I got the laundry and some dusting done. Oh, my pork belly is cooking in the Instant Pot. We’ve had these packs of pork belly in our freezer from last year. And what does one do with it? It’s bacon except it’s not cured. It’s mostly fat. I seasoned it with garlic, ginger and soy sauce. Now it’s cooking on high for an hour. That should take care of the fat. They will make filling for Chinese steamed buns. It’s an experiment for tomorrow – maybe. Oh, my pork belly is done. Looking and tasting good. I hope I won’t nibble them all away before the buns get made.

I didn’t have a long list of to do’s. It’s good to start small. Less chance of failure. Wait! I got the bathroom floor cleaned, too. That’s my hardest to do. Strange why that is since there’s not much floor. Sometimes I have to question myself, to get to the root of why I hate doing something. I still don’t understand why but I got the job done. What’s on the list for tomorrow? I will do my seed order to beat the rush. That’s THE one thing I want to do. There are many things that NEED looking after. I will think of them later.

I like to have a project/skill to work on. That always keeps me going when the going gets tough. So far, I’ve mastered bread making, regular and sourdough from scratch, kimchi and kombucha. Making food from scratch is so satisfying. It just fills me up.

The latest thing that’s keeping me afloat is learning cross country skiing. I’m not gliding yet but I’m still keen. There’s alot more involved than meets the eye. Bending over to tie my boots is quite challenging in itself. I get out of huff just doing that! I’m learning to do put the boots on and tying them before putting my coat on. Less bulk to bend over with. Then there’s carrying the skis and poles while walking to the park. It’s only 2 long blocks away but it’s surprising how heavy things get when you’ve not used to carrying them. I’ve mastered that now, too. I even managed to fasten my boots to the bindings by myself today. I failed the getting up after I fall test. Still, I felt so much more relaxed after my fall. I think I should just fall down right off and get it out of the way so I can ski better. What do you think?

A DIFFERENT SATURDAY

Posted on by
2

A Different Saturday

It’s another Saturday and I’m coming to the keyboard late again. It is easy to get up and dress up but not so easy showing up. It’s the procrastination and avoidance playing tricks on me. It does not feel like my Saturdays any more. It is a different Saturday but it is still the same day that my Sheba went to dog heaven. She had given me normalcy during the early new Covid-19 period. We had our walks and runs in the dog park. Life seemed almost as usual then.

Now we can’t go on saying business/life as usual. We must change the way we are living. I have given up my Saturday swims again. It’s a wise thing to do given our current Covid-19 situation. Today we have 197 new cases, 1 death. Yesterday 4 deaths, 329 new cases. So it’s time to cuddle up and keep warm at home. When we know that large gatherings lead to an outbreak of new cases, why do we continue to gather? Why do we defy and challenge the wisdom of those who know?

Like Bob Dylan sings, the answer, my friend is blowing in the wind. So let me not dwell on them. I like to believe that crisis gives us an opportunity to change the way we see and live. The documentary film, A Simpler Way: Crisis as an Opportunity (2016) gives me hope for the future. Give it a watch. It is a bit long, over an hour, but well worth it.

Today is a rest day for me. No walks or skiing. I tell myself it is ok. I don’t have to go, go, go like the EverReady Bunny. I went to the library instead to pick up some books for us. It would have been a good day for skiing for we had more snow. But I am a little weary, feeling a strain on my left leg. I was satisfied with my little outing. I found a couple of hopefully good fiction and I got to watch some kids playing on a snow hill outside the library.

LEARNING TO SKI

Posted on by
Reply

Learning to Ski

I’m having a hard go at this post. I’m trying too hard and I’m stuck – much like my skiing. But I did make some progress today. It helps to know that there is right and a left ski. Yup, there are when your skis are of the vintage type. So at least today, I got my right boot on the right ski and the left boot on the left one. Getting the binding to clip and unclip is another thing though. I need muscle power or holding my tongue in the perfect position. At any rate, my boots didn’t come off the skis nor did I fall. It’s a big step in the right direction.

I am not all discouraged. I am not a natural at sporting endeavours and I am a late bloomer. I didn’t learn to swim till in my middle aged years. I was absolutely enthused and terrified. It took me a whole summer of trying to just float. I’m pretty good with the front crawl and not bad with the back one. I’m slow though. Another swimmer told me that if she swam as slow as me, she would sink. She wasn’t very nice. I’m good with my speed. I’m the same with the bike, learning late in life. I still don’t feel at home in the saddle. But I am so happy and proud that I could do these two things. They were my most wished for skills when I was a youngster.

So now it is the skis. A perfect timing. The year of Covid-19 and big snow. My skis had been waiting 30 plus years to come out of the closet. I like to overcome physcial challenges. I like doing things that requires effort. I’ve been out only 4 times and I love it already. The first time was in the back alley. I fell down right off. I didn’t think I would like it but after a few runs, I felt the glow. The second time was at the park. It was brutal just getting up onto the tracks. My leg muscles strain and strain. I thought no way. But I was wrong. The 3rd time wasn’t great. My boots keep coming off my skis. Now I know why. I learn and get better at something new each day. Yes, I got the ski bug. There’s lots of room for learning and improving. That’s the hook.

It is glorious to be out in the sunshine and blue skies and to breathe in the fresh November air. It’s wonderous to see the ski tracks around the park. And when we get home, there’s tea and pumpkin chocolate chip muffins.

BUILDING RESILIENCY

Posted on by
4

Building Resiliency

I’m later than ever. It is almost 8 pm. I hope my American friends are having a safe Thanksgiving. Today we have 299 new Covid cases in the province, with 72 at the Correctional Centre in Saskatoon. It’s nothing to celebrate or be grateful for. I’m starting to feel like a reporter. I have to snap out of watching the numbers. We all need to step up to the plate and do the right thing. It frightens me to listen to those people who are anti-masks. Do they really believe what they’re saying or do they have another agenda? Either way, they are dangerous, stirring up vulnerable people to create havoc. Be careful of stories you tell. If they are not your story, do not repeat.

Now that I got my rant out of the way, let me tell you about my main concern. I feel much more settled and comfortable having decided to stop going to the gym. I don’t have to second guess whether I’m putting myself, family and friends at risk. I can put my efforts into keeping and building resiliency. I am also one of those vulnerable people. I am easily affected by the weather and mood of others. I am easily affected by everything. It is important for me to keep physically, emotionally and mentally fit. I want to be kind and empathic but I don’t want to feel everyone’s pain. I’m not good at either one though I am improving. Sometimes I just have to grit and bear the pain.

I am learning that I have to be kind to myself first. I’ve had a hard time of it. I think that’s the reason for the anger I’ve felt and held so often in the past. It’s been a long while since I’ve felt it. Hooray for me! Free at last. It’s not so easy ‘getting it’. It takes a life time. It really have given me a mental boost in these times. I’ve learned to get up, dress up and show up no matter how I feel. That’s thanks to Regina Brett. These are the things that you still have to/can do even if you feel lousy. You might not be able to do them as well on any given day. If you try your best, you can forgive yourself.

Get up, dress up and show up is etched in my brain. It gives me that boost/resiliency on especially difficult days. And these are those days. Even so, I still find great joy and satisfaction – of getting up, dressing up and showing up – to make a soup from all my garden veggies for lunch, making kimchi and then going for another ski in the park. They were not all masterpieces but they were my honest efforts. I feel proud of them.

If you are interested in the recipe for my kimchi, here’s the link. I throw in different ingredients sometimes. Today I put in Jerusalem artichokes instead of radishes. Making food is very healing – for whatever ails you.

How To Make Kale Kimchi