Tag Archives: life

GETTING IT ALL OUT

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It’s wise men who say don’t watch the news before bedtime. All the world’s tragedies flashed before your eyes in a matter of minutes. The gas explosion in a bakery in Paris, killing 3 people, the bus crash in Ottawa, killing 3, injurying 23. The story on where our plastic waste ends up (in Malaysia) sent me into despair and depression. I felt the ridiculous efforts of our recycling. I threw in my innocent and laughable hopes and went to bed.

All this is still with me this morning. No such luck as to sleeping it off. I feel depressed, down but not out – yet. I’ve fallen off  doing Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages. I’ve come here instead. Who says you have to write it out longhand with pen and paper? Tapping on the keyboard is an effective tool for me. Adding photos and videos satisfies some of that creative need in me. Doing all that defuses some of my negative feelings.

Talking about negative emotions, are they so bad? Is it shameful to admit we get depressed, disappointed and unhappy? Must we feel elated all the time? What about when bad things happen? It’s only normal that we feel ‘bad’. There are times when anger/whatever is the only logical and healthy reaction to have. I feel so confused when people put on a polite front. I feel such a failure in their presence.

At the same time I’m so sick of  hearing about wounds and healing. Are we all walking around ripped open and bleeding? I don’t mean to be insensitive. I am was/still is in woundology (Caroline Myss’s terminology) myself. Sometimes I DO hear myself (now). It’s time to change my tune.

I’ve gone on long enough. Talked and revealed too much. Time to shut up and say good night on day 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m feeling challenged.

 

HOW TO DO ANYTHING/NOTHING BETTER

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January 12, 2019  6:27 pm

These evening hours is really not a great time for me to come to the keyboard. My hands and fingers are tired and sore from the day’s work. My brain is grumpy and foggy. Have you ever tried to find your words  through a dense cloud of nothing? But I haven’t learned to do better yet. So here’s to another struggle on this January night.

I could give up. Who says I need to struggle – Malcolm Gladwell? Yup. He says that successful people spend thousands and thousands of hours honing their skill. Do I have that much time left in my life? I better not waste what I have left by complaining. I better keep tapping.

But really, I’m so frigging tired. I just want to do nothing. I could practice that for hours and hours!

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

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January 11, 2019  6:45 pm

Life happens. Interruptions happen. Goals and intentions get redirected, altered or delayed. That’s how it always is. So why does it take me so long to see that? You know I like to dig to the root of things. But all I can find is a bunch of sayings about hindsight.

“It’s so difficult, isn’t it? To see what’s going on when you’re in the absolute middle of something? It’s only with hindsight we can see things for what they are.” 
― S.J. Watson

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.”
― Roger Zelazny

“We go through the present blindfolded… Only later, when the blindfold is removed and we examine the past, do we realise what we’ve been through and understand what it means. ” 
― Milan Kundera

I guess the moral of the story is in Bob Marley’s word is, don’t worry, be happy. Everything is going to be alright.

It makes sense to me. I will not search for reasons any more tonight. Who knows what the morrow shall bring? I shall finish my glass of wine and be happy. Good night for this 11th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

MAKING AND TAKING TIME

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January 10, 2019  9:53 am

I’ve made very good time this morning. I set my timer to do my Morning Pages for 30 minutes and wrote long hand on whatever came into my mind. I got my 3 pages within that time. Problems and angsts are not a bad thing. They are fuel for thought and words on the page. The exercise is the DustBuster for my brain. It clears up all the nagging guilt, shoulds and coulds. Want to give it a try?

I have a chicken carcass souping in the Instant Pot. I’ve been feeling like hell in the mornings lately. Every inch of my body is stiff and hurting. I am taking time to resume my long abandoned qigong routine. Movement helps the aches. I’m just lazy and stupid not doing the practice. I have a couple of  Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee quigong DVDs. They’re beautifully done and easy to follow. 40 minutes is time well spent. Too bad they are no longer a couple.

6:37 pm

I’ve chipped away at my day. Doing in little blocks of time works best for me. The floors are vacuumed, the dishes done, the laundry washed and hung. I still feel hellish but if I give in to my aches and pain, the dog hairs will irk me and get into my head instead of staying on the floor. If the laundry is not done, someone will be missing their longjohns. It’s difficult and easy to throw them into the machine and push some buttons. I concentrate on the easy part. I think of how nice it is when we get home after our walk to a hot cuppa and a snack. And the walk was over and done. We got some exercise and alot of fresh air.

Now it’s time to say goodnight on this 10th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m not pleased with my writing but it’s the best I could do today. And I’m still here.

 

GOING TO EXERCISE AND NEVER BEFORE PLACES

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January 9, 2019  11:46 am

On this 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I am remembering my goal of change and renewal. Nine days into the new year and challenges, I’m feeling a bit sagging and tired. This morning I managed to write one page for my Morning Pages. I’m the better for doing them. I leave my angst on the pages. I don’t have to carry them, weighing me down the whole live long day.

I get good ideas while I’m pushing that pen across the page. But it does take up time. I’m feeling resentful about it. Rather than falling totally off my Morning Pages Wagon, I’ll set up the timer for 30 minutes to write them in the morning. I will stop when the timer goes off regardless of how many pages I wrote. I have to get out of the all or nothing mentality.

It’s a blistering cold day. The wind is wicked. Sheba and I braved it in our respective coats for out walk. I had my phone in my pocket, just in case. The other day, a rabbit ran in front of us. I had my phone. I had time. But I was frozen by surprise. Today I was frozen by the temperature and wind. I was covered by my hat and scarves. I could just see where I was going. Nothing jumped in front of me. I already have my video project done and up before venturing out. It will have to do. Have a look. I’m proud of my effort. It’s good to have a project and to work improving it daily.

10:58 pm

Egad! Look at the time. We had a supper invitation at a friend’s. He enjoys cooking and entertaining. We’ve been wined, dined and entertained. It was a fine evening complete with a little excitement of a passerby trying to rob our friend’s place while we were there. Now I’m trying to gather my wits to bring this post to a closure.

It has been a very fine day. We had an excellent exercise class this morning. The routine was completely new to us. It required more focus and concentration. We worked in increments of increasing difficulty. It was hard. It was challenging. I did what I thought I could not. It gave me confidence to try what I have not before. I want to close on that note. I want to have the courage to do new things, go new places, meet new place…till the end of my days.

 

 

SCHEDULING IDLE TIME

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January 8, 2019  6:00 pm

I’m late again but better late than never. It makes it more difficult to put words onto the page. I will have to do some rescheduling. It shouldn’t be hard. It’s not as if I have a job. The whole day is my own. I have to learn to make better use of it. It’s not that I’m idle. Not at all. Today I was wishing for that, some idle time to sit, sip tea and read some trashy romance novel.

Perhaps I need to schedule it into my day. I’m too much into seriousness, accomplishing and bettering myself. It’s a bit of a struggle sometimes. I’m tired and achy. I pushed through it all. Otherwise I would be idling, still tired and achy. At least I’ve paid the bills on time. And I did have fun making a video of Sheba. Now I have a little collection of them on my own YouTube channel. I just can’t help myself. I have to accomplish. It’s not a bad thing.

It’s cold and windy again. It required much fortitude to go for our walk. The sun helped. It gave me the false impression of a warmer temperature. On with the hat, scarf and long wool coat. I remembered my fleece lined boots as well. Helps to keep all body parts covered. We survived. I did not let Sheba dawdle. It was not a day for video clips. Just a quick snapshot to prove that we were out and about.

8:17 pm

I am having to struggle to get through this blog and this day. My hair is standing on end. Tomorrow is an exercise day. I best bring this to a close and head for the shower. Good night.

 

VIRTUAL LIVES, VIRTUAL REALITIES

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January 7, 2019  5:44 pm

I’m arriving here late in the day again. It’s difficult to clear my head of the day’s debris and tap clearly and coherently. I’m not a great one for proofreading. I talk faster in my head than I can tap. Mistakes and omissions do occur. Sometimes I don’t even understand what it is that I’m trying to say. But at least I am still trying on this 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

A week doesn’t feel that long but when you are counting, it is. There’s 24 more days to January. I will carry/blog/tap on as best as I can. I have to try harder not to get sidetracked by the internet. It sure can gobble up many minutes/hours. Just now I’ve been checking out Hoopla. Really, do I need another app to help me live a more isolated life? I like going to the library. I like to browse the aisles and touch the books, magazines, cds and movies in real time. So why am I so foolish, wasting time on virtual libraries?

I give my head a shake. I’m already shopping more online and taking online courses. Texting is so inconvenient than phoning. I don’t have to worry about disturbing busy lives, taking up peoples times. The World Wide Web connects. I’m meeting people through FB, Instagram and blogsphere from other parts of the world. I’m learning new skills and arts. I have information at my fingertips. The Web is saving me time as well as eating it up time. I just have to be a better keeper of it.

There is the danger of getting lost in cyberspace. Imagine how alluring it is to travel such expanses without leaving the comforts of home. But I still rather have the real thing vs the virtual. I need fences, walls and other boundaries. I don’t believe you can touch the walls in cyberspace. I need walls and floors to walk on. I need to touch and smell the pages of books. I like to smell and taste the texture of food. I can do without the designer perfumes though.

That’s it for another night. Signing off.

FEARS, CURIOSITIES AND PASSIONS

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January 6, 2019  6:44 pm

I’m late to the keyboard and hardpressed for words. I’m too full of the day’s activities. My head is full of ‘stuff’. I’m trying not to multi task, doing too much in one day. But when the going is good, when there is flow, I hate to stop. So here I am, a bit stuck and tongue tied. I just need a few minutes and a couple of taps and I’ll be ready to go.

Shortly before Christmas, I accidentally stumbled onto Suddenly Mad, Minna Packer’s blog about her early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s a fascinating and educational read for me. I somehow could relate to some of what she has gone/is going through. I don’t have the disease but her anxiety was familiar to me. I have a great admiration for her effort to put it out there for us. It not only helps me understand the disease more but it’s teaching me to live a better life. Have a read to see if it does the same for you.

I have always have a curiosity and passion for the mind, body and spirit. Minna has given me an even stronger desire to understand our brain and how to keep it healthy and strong. I suppose I had this sense of invincibility in my youth. I stayed up late, drank tons of coffee and smoked. This was even before I was a nurse. When I became a nurse, I was even worse, though I did stop smoking. It is surprising how much abuse our body can take.

Things caught up to me in retirement. I had time to fall apart then. It was a very difficult couple of years. I’m on the other side now. It does feel like I’ve stepped out of the cloud into the light. Now I can feel ease and pleasures whereas before I only felt anxiety and fear. I have a greater appreciation of my time here on earth.

I take care that I get enough sleep. I do get an occasional sleepless night. I’m learning not to stress too much about it when it happens. Aerobic exercise has been my best friend. It cleared my brain fog after a couple of weeks. Helps me sleep better, too. I’m still working on my emotional health. I’m such a reactonary. I need to be a responder instead. Life is not static. No matter where on the road we are, there’s learning always.

It is getting late. I have to close for this 6th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be back tomorrow. Good night.

WHAT HAVE I FALLEN IN LOVE WITH TODAY

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This week, On Being with Krista Kippett asks the question: Have you fallen in love with something today? I love the answer in Mary Oliver’s poem Mindful.

Everyday
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for —
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world —
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant —
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these —
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

That’s how I am with my world though I cannot express it as clearly and lovely as the poet. My life feels very small and I am but a small person. Yet I am awed by the very ordinariness of what is my life. Today, I have fallen in love with the peace and darkness of an early Saturday morning. I love the light on the bridge driving to the YWCA and the swimming pool waiting just for me. Mostly I am the lone swimmer on Saturday mornings. I fell in love with the softness of the water, how it held me in its warmth as I swam up and down the pool’s length.

Today I fell in love with time in friendship – the easy conversation, mutual trust and appreciation. The coffee was adequate, the meal meager but I am nourished in body and spirit. It is very little but a lot that I ask for. A little time. A little conversation. A little love.

That’s all I have on the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

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January 4, 2019  4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

  •  Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
  • Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
  • the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
  • Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
  • Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
  • Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control.  But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.