Tag Archives: learning

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

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I am feeling so much better now that I’ve opt out of the thread loop in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am no longer obliged to read the 2 posts above mine. It frees up not only time but my sense of obligation which is very weighty. I like rules. I think they promote order. I think I am taking them and the UBC too seriously. It is also time for me to take a break from the challenging element of showing up every day. I am remembering a Wayne Dyer quote: When change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I wrote about working/writing smarter the other day. One of my faults is not knowing when to quit. I do know that now. I am walking my talk. Being committed to too many things is stressful. It does not lead to productivity nor sense of restfulness or peace. My mind was always engaged, having no time to rest. There was no time to organize my surroundings and to declutter. I yearned for time to read a story book like I used to. When I found some time, my mind was too distracted and frazzled to concentrate on the words.

I made the decision to opt out of parts of UBC just two days ago. I am surprised at how restful my brain is feeling already. I had time yesterday to watch Professor Paul Gilbert’s video on compassion and how it can help us lead happier lives. It is an hour and 17 minutes long but well worth it. It explains the tricky brains we’re born with. It is faulty by design but it is not our fault. But if we learn and understand how it works, it will help us live better lives. Learning is and always has been my passion. There’s always things to learn and opportunities to improve from where we are now. Every day is another first day of the rest of our lives.

CHARTING MY DAYS

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February 8, 8:38 am. 2℃ outside and -1.1℃ in the greenhouse. Crazy temperatures! Past Februaries had been our coldest month. I’m trying not to think of climate change, Covid-19 and the freedom convoy. I am, of course, thinking of them all just the same. Let me acknowledge it. But I still started my day with 20 minutes of sitting and being in the moment with Mark Williams. My mind wanders as it is apt to do. I bring it back again and again. I do my best. It is still restful no matter what, being grounded in my sitting posture.

I’m at my optimum mentally, emotionally and spiritually in the morning. I’ve had no time to accumulate any debris to cloud my chakras. It is my best time to learn and build myself up if I need uplifting. It’s the best time for a class in YouTube University. Today I was motivated by this video:

You can also read about this project on this website. It reminded me of my first 100 Day Project on Instagram in 2016. I made a piece of art every day. It was my first step towards making art after a life time just talking about it.

Day 5 – 100 Day Project
100 day project - day 5
Day 100 – 100 Day Project

February 9. 5:57pm. A grey day. I am feeling grey as well. It is 1℃ outside and 2.2℃ in the greenhouse. I feel totally limp with no energy. You can probably guess that I didn’t go ski in the park today. I thought it was a wise decision. The tracks are probably icy as hell. I compensated by doing a mindful yoga on YouTube. It’s a very good video I found a few years ago and haven’t done for awhile. It’s good to change up my exercise program now and then. It’s good to work different sets of muscles. I followed up by doing a few minutes of hula hooping and arm exercises with light weights.

I’m feeling a bit crappy but I haven’t idle the day away. I did my daily draw and grocery shopping in the morning. I had my 2 hour class on the Goddesses of India after lunch. Now I am finishing this post. Not a great write but I am charting my days. It’s a recording I can look back on to see my progress or lack of what I’m trying to accomplish.

WHAT I MISS IN 2021

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January 15, day 15 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The half way mark. Do I have it in me to do the second half? Today is just as hard as yesterday. I woke up at 3 am. My nose was as dry as all get up, my tongue thick and furry. I could hardly swallow. I’m thinking allergies. Damn that snow mold! We’re having melting temperatures after some very frigid days. Then I wonder if it could be the coronavirus. I got up to wet my mouth and squirt some salinex nasal spray and went back to bed.

Luckily I got back to sleep. In the morning, just to be sure I did a rapid test. I was pretty sure I am negative but I have an in-person watercolour art class today. I want to be responsible and be sure and not risk other people’s health. I tested negative. It was still a relief even though I am triple vaccinated. I could relax and go to my class without worry.

Being in the classroom again is one of the things I missed in 2021. Before Covid I had an aerobic class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I had swimming on Saturdays. I attended an adult learning class once a week at the University of Saskatchewan. Yes, I missed them, the exercises, the in-person learning and the people. I am happy that I had signed up for the art class way back in December. Of course, I had morning jitters, wishing that I hadn’t. It was signer’s regret but I got quickly over it once I arrived at the studio. Today there was 5 of us plus the instructor, all masked.

I didn’t pull off any master pieces. I was learning the basics of watercolours. What’s good, what’s not. What to cheap on and what not to. Definitely get good paints and paper but you can cheap on brushes. We practiced a few brush techniques and how to mix colours. I like the instructor. She’s a good teacher. I learned that I missed talking in 2021. I found myself talking quite a bit in class -asking questions. Maybe it was just an excuse to talk. It surprised me. It felt good.

STILL HOPEFUL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

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I’ve always been a hopeful person, even when I’m not, even when I’m in the throes of planning my own demise. I’ve often felt like I’m a hoax when I am filling out the forms for counselling. Things don’t add up at the end. That’s what I tell the therapist(s). I tell them the results of those forms – that I am not without hope. What was I doing there? They would laugh and tell me that it is a good thing.

I am still that hopeful person. I look forward to waking up every morning when I can start my day. There’s always something to learn, some new venture beckoning me. I am not the kind of adventurer that you’re probably thinking of. I’m not busting out, wanting to travel to the far corners of the world or outer space. I don’t want to bungee jump off a high rise in Las Vegas. I’m not a high roller at the casino either though I have played the slot machines. My kind of excitement might raise a few bored eyebrows. It’s learning about nematodes, soil health and Dr. Elaine Ingham. Then I stumbled upon Korean natural farming and Chris Trump. Are you yawning yet? These are the kind of things that excite me and give me hope for a greener planet.

I am hopeful but I do have dark days and moods but I am learning how to navigate them more constructively and creatively. I have so many teachers from family, friends, co-workers – all the people that I’ve come in contact with. You have, too. We become the sum of what they’ve impacted upon with, whether they know it or not. So it is important that we choose the right environment. We, like all growing things, need fertile soil to thrive in. I have found a wealth of knowledge and wisdom through books, television and online. I first learn of Caroline Myss on Oprah many years ago. She’s still my first go to source of inspiration and spiritual direction. I believe her when she says that this is the most exciting time in history. It is, don’t you agree?

What gives me hope this morning is watching this episode on Kirsten Dirksen’s YouTube channel. It’s about a simple home built by an architect who had spent his first years in a Japanese internment camp in Idaho. He talked about how that had influence him on his love for simplicity and what is important. Kirsten features many stories like this in different parts of the world. Through them I can see how much talent and abilities we all have. We are not all in this life just to make money and getting more stuff. There are many who care about the planet, sustainability, resilience and the quality of life. Therefore, I am always hopeful when I watch these kinds of programs. They help me change in some small way to contribute to the cause.

ALL ABOUT ME

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Here we are on day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m set to write the ultimate post on all about me. It’s a few years since I wrote the ABOUT and ABOUT ME pages for this blog in 2012. It’s time for an update.

I like to think I haven’t changed much but time has a way of showing up. I have a few more bags under my eyes and chin. My hair is still pretty dark. There’s but a few strands of white. It’s finer and much softer, the things I wished for in younger years. Now I wish I had the then coarseness and thickness. There’s no pleasing me. Then suddenly this year the crepey skin appeared. No amount of moisturizing could fix it. I guess I can join the club of women echoing that I’ve earned every line and wrinkle. I accept it but I can’t realy feel proud. I rather be wrinkle-free. Perhaps I am vain.

My goals/purpose for this space are still the same. I am still excavating, peeling back the layers, discovering and getting to know myself. I have had long periods when I am stuck, my archeology pickaxe dull and ineffectual. The layers refused to budge. I was stagnant, unable to go forth and grow. Looking back now I have a clearer vistage of my life journey and how I came to be. I can almost say, Ah, I see how it is! It is rather an exciting moment.

This November Ultimate Blog Challenge feels akin to a beginning of a school year. I have always loved school. I was never one wishing for summer holidays. I was that way about working also. There were some very hard stressful days, months and years. But I always found something exciting, meaningful and fulfilling in my work. I never counted down the days and hours to retirement. And here I am, retired for 8 years. I had a little difficulty deciding on the date and suffered PTSD (self-diagnosed) for 3 years in retirement. I suppose this blog gave me space to ventilate. It’s my Sit Spot. I come here to observe and tap. Tapping on the keyboards and seeing the letters march across the screen was comforting and gave me solace somehow.

I have lost some of that magic over the last year or so. You would think that the pandemic would be a catalyst for more writing. But not. It was the same with retirement. I had so many stories from work. I had time to write about them. When retirement came, all the stories, memories and desire to tell went. Maybe, no, definitely the stress of things wore and eroded my zest for learning and life. I had been feeling no pleasure and meaning in the things that used to please me. But I am feeling a spark again. I will be working this month to fan the spark. I want to bring more joy and meaning back to my days. I hope I can share them with you.

ON FREEDOM

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I’m sitting here with my second cup of tea. I’m staring at my paper pile, readying, steeling myself to delve into them. My resolve not to let everything get into a clutter AGAIN had melted and I’m fallen into the same rabbit hole again. Having resolves, choosing a word for the year, making lists, self help books – all these tools have not work for me. So I ask myself: why keep using them? Clearly it’s an indication for change. And here’s that word again – CHANGE. How many times have I written about change? Have I changed? Clearly not! I’m in a pickle.

I shouldn’t beat myself up so. I HAVE made little bits of change here and there. I like to think that I’ve stopped working on relationships that doesn’t work. I’ve stopped blaming myself that it’s all my fault, that I’m not kind enough, generous enough, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes it is good to reread your journals, even though you’re not suppose to. They advise you not to look/read back, to burn them. I could’t quite do them all in and have read back. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve whined and whined about the same things/people/situations for decades. I think that’s call being stuck.

I’m slowly learning – not to blame myself. I’m thinking of watching a bee stuck in a spider’s web the other day. It struggled and struggled and finally broke free and flew off. So it’s taking me a little longer to break free. It’s better later than never. Some people are stuck forever in the webs they wove around themselves. I’m grateful that I can test out my new wings even just a little bit. Freedom is not just another word for nothing left to lose.

Freedom is ridding my piles of paper clutter, dust and outdated and expired thoughts, feelings and what-have-yous. It will take some doing but if I have courage and tenacity, I can chip away at them one day at a time. After all, they were accumulated over years and decades. I was hoping against hope that I could hit the DELETE button and they would be gone. Nothing is ever that easy even though we can send men into space and we can FaceTime with someone on the other side of the globe.

I’ve been working on this post for awhile, over a week. I’m in a bit of a dither this morning. I’m sure we had frost overnight. Even though I was organized in taking all the tomatoes off the vine and covering all my tenders, I see that the cover had blown off my precious Sunburst squash. It has many little squashes still trying to grow up. Oh, well, I can’t save everything. And though it is still early morning, the phone lines to everywhere are experiencing higher than normal volume of calls. One has to dial 911 nowadays to get a real person. I must calm down and not to get my panties in a knot. So I had to leave a message with a message for them to leave a message if I can’t come to the phone when they call. And I will call back with a message to confirm.

I’m feeling super cranky. I will go outside and to the greenhouse to get a dose of natural serotonin. The sun is out and I mustn’t stay grumpy. The clock is ticking.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST FOR ME – a meditation for one

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It is the 11th day of August and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a day again. Time is elusive, hard to grasp. It’s like holding onto water. It slips slides away faster, the harder you try to hold onto it. Before it does today, I’m sitting down, my fingers are on the keyboard, to have this conversation. I’ve come back from grocery shopping with my parents. I’ve unloaded and carried theirs into their house. Mine are sitting on the kitchen floor. No perishables. They will be alright.

Sometimes you just have to drop everything just to have some time/things for yourself. You can run yourself ragged if you don’t. I have that habit of doing, of being productive, of doing/giving for others, trying not to being selfish. Sometimes I end up feeling neglected, resentful with mean thoughts. It’s no one’s fault except mine own. I recognize my flaw, my incorrect thinking. Now I try not to fall into that hole as much. Now I try not to share all of me and what I have. It is nice to keep some thoughts/things just for myself.

It was difficult not to give this bitter melon to my mother but I fought the urge. I told myself I had given her one already and there are 2 more little ones growing on the vine. And she has been complaining she got too much fresh vegetables. Everyone is giving her so much. So I kept this pretty one and cooked it just for myself. It was quite delicious, not that bitter at all. Pretty good for my first adventure growing and cooking a bitter melon. I hope I will get a few more than 2 though it is getting late in the season.

I know I inherited/learned this trait from my mother. She’s always giving/sharing all of her stuff. It’s hard to refuse. I’m trying to learn to be gracious about it. After all, they’re gifts and she is almost 90. It probably makes her feel good she can still give. Like mother and daughter, we find it hard to take. She is learning, too, to take as well as give.

GROUNDED IN THIS MOMENT

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I’m enjoying puttering around the house on this cold day in Saskatchewan. We had a -1℃ last night. We have a few more ahead before it’s over. But our passive solar greenhouse is doing fabulously. It was 19.5℃ while only 2℃ outside a couple of hours ago. Now it has dropped to 17.3℃. It has been cloudy all day. I am learning to ground myself in household duties instead of crying the woes.

It was soothing to sew my quilt block this morning by the fireplace. I feel the warm of the fire. There is comfort in touching the fabric. I see the different colours and patterns. I hear the whir of my Bernina as it stitch the seam. I look up and I see my daffodils and tulips out the window. The cat is beseeching me to put in a geranium in its pot. Soon, kitty, soon.

It feels good to be in the moment, not to be scattered and distracted every which way. I’m learning to ground myself in the present moment, sewing in silence. I’m not listening to the radio, to the voices of happenings over which I have no control. I did listen to a couple of short video clips from Therapy in a Nutshell on grounding and other mental health tips. I’m a self-help addict and I’m always opened to learning how to make things better and easier for myself.

Today is a good day, despite the cold and the grey sky. I almost lost this post just now. I better quit while I’m still ahead for this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

INSPIRATION FROM A JESUIT IN RUSSIA

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It’s almost 4 in the afternoon. I’ve just sat down with my instant coffee. What I would like to do is have a little snack and watch an episode of Miss Marple. The trouble is I’ve signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a blog post to write. This is only day 3. Too early to skip out. I can keep it simple though. AND this is the start of the 3rd week of cutting back on food. A little snack here and there adds up. I like to make a serious effort for a month and make an assessment of how to proceed.

I didn’t forget my online class this morning like I did last week. It was the last one on the rise and fall of Mussolini. History is very interesting and Mussolini is a fascinating man. I am sure that there is so much more to learn than what can be covered in 8 2-hour classes. I’m learning about another fascinating though not as widely known man in history. He is Fr. Walter Cisek. He was an American Jesuit priest who spent 23 years in the Soviet Union. 18 of those years were as a prisoner and 15 of those years in the labour camps of Siberia.

I’m not quite halfway through his book, With God in Russia. It was a recommendation from Caroline Myss. She talks about it on many of her lectures. I knew it was a must read for me. I had reserved it from our library. It took almost a year for me to finally get it. And I would say that it came at a most apporpriate time. Talk about faith, challenges and strength. I think it would be a good read for those anti-maskers and covid deniers. I like to hear them talk about how the government is trying to take away their freedom after they have read the book.

Now I have to have a little snack. I feel a sugar low coming. I would not fare well in a labour camp. Who knows though until I find myself in that situation. Fr. Cisek himself admitted that he was a hoodlum and a bully when he was young. Then he got the call and he answered it and never wavered, not even for a second. Not even as a prisoner in Russia. I have heard a similar call a few years back. I answered, too and have kept faith in my own way. But I do have a lot to learn from Fr. Cisek.

SELF PEP TALK

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March 17th, Wednesday morning. It’s almost 9 am. The sun is weak like tepid tea. I am, too. No get up and go. I sit, sip and tap. There’s no need to rush off to anything. I used to like to sew my quilt blocks in the early morning. It was still in the winter dark. I would turn on my feel good bright lamp, the radio and the fireplace. It was cosy and comforting, stitching up, cutting and ironing. All the while I’m listening to what is happening in Saskatchewan.

Now that the sun is rising earlier I rather sit and bask in its bright or not so bright light. I’ve had my fill of listening to the radio, especially the news. It’s all about the Covid, the vaccines and side effects. Have you noticed that all conversations are about that? It is all so very heavy and fatiguing. And yet we can’t seem to talk about anything else. Our National news is the same. The whole hour mostly focused on that, night after night for a whole year now. Oh, Donald Trump and the U. S. election did break through. But what about the rest of the world, the rest of life?

I am getting rather comfortable in my little bubble. I am happy with sewing my quilt squares, starting seedlings and messing and checking up in the greenhouse. I am reluctant to venture out. A trip to Costco was a major deal in my head. I had to take the guy with me. When we got there, it was no big deal. He was handy in pushing the cart and unloading things into the car. I feel I always struggled with bulky and weighty packages. Even visits with my parents feels big and problematic. I would have to do some head and mind clearing first. What a sad sack I am, heh?

My first vaccine shot is about 2 weeks away. I think I will head back to the gym and pool a couple of weeks after that. I miss the challenge of physical activity. It is the best medicine for my physical and mental health. It’s a-get-out-of-the-house prod. Being dour by nature, I have to work very hard to be in a good mental space. It’s a good thing. I have something to do all the time. I could not very well stay in a puddle or down the rabbit hole. I’m a very slow learner. I’m slow at everything but like the tortoise I can win some races.

Here’s my autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.