spark

ALL ABOUT ME

Here we are on day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m set to write the ultimate post on all about me. It’s a few years since I wrote the ABOUT and ABOUT ME pages for this blog in 2012. It’s time for an update.

I like to think I haven’t changed much but time has a way of showing up. I have a few more bags under my eyes and chin. My hair is still pretty dark. There’s but a few strands of white. It’s finer and much softer, the things I wished for in younger years. Now I wish I had the then coarseness and thickness. There’s no pleasing me. Then suddenly this year the crepey skin appeared. No amount of moisturizing could fix it. I guess I can join the club of women echoing that I’ve earned every line and wrinkle. I accept it but I can’t realy feel proud. I rather be wrinkle-free. Perhaps I am vain.

My goals/purpose for this space are still the same. I am still excavating, peeling back the layers, discovering and getting to know myself. I have had long periods when I am stuck, my archeology pickaxe dull and ineffectual. The layers refused to budge. I was stagnant, unable to go forth and grow. Looking back now I have a clearer vistage of my life journey and how I came to be. I can almost say, Ah, I see how it is! It is rather an exciting moment.

This November Ultimate Blog Challenge feels akin to a beginning of a school year. I have always loved school. I was never one wishing for summer holidays. I was that way about working also. There were some very hard stressful days, months and years. But I always found something exciting, meaningful and fulfilling in my work. I never counted down the days and hours to retirement. And here I am, retired for 8 years. I had a little difficulty deciding on the date and suffered PTSD (self-diagnosed) for 3 years in retirement. I suppose this blog gave me space to ventilate. It’s my Sit Spot. I come here to observe and tap. Tapping on the keyboards and seeing the letters march across the screen was comforting and gave me solace somehow.

I have lost some of that magic over the last year or so. You would think that the pandemic would be a catalyst for more writing. But not. It was the same with retirement. I had so many stories from work. I had time to write about them. When retirement came, all the stories, memories and desire to tell went. Maybe, no, definitely the stress of things wore and eroded my zest for learning and life. I had been feeling no pleasure and meaning in the things that used to please me. But I am feeling a spark again. I will be working this month to fan the spark. I want to bring more joy and meaning back to my days. I hope I can share them with you.

WHY I BOTHER

Why I Bother

I often wonder why I bother with a lot of things. I get into these mood sets. It’s habits that keep me moving. I’m feeling quite blasé with my November adapted NaNoWriMo writing. I wonder if my readers are feeling as bored with it as I am. But then I came across a post in Brevity, Write Anyways and I feel heartened once more. So here’s on with the show.

This morning the U.S. election results are still the same with Biden at 264 and Trump at 214. So why is America so great? It takes them forever to run the election and forever to get the final results. Why am I talking about it anyways? Habit, a bad one this time. I have many of them. I should be focusing on important issues but my mind is wandering – I would like another cuppa, I want to do my cross stitch, I should put away my laundry. The list(mental) goes on. At least I can say I am aware of it. Now I can settle down to the heart of this post.

It’s really not as easy as that. I couldn’t settle down to the heart of things. I was restless. I wrestled with myself for awhile. Then I had to move around. I wandered down the stairs. I settled my restless energy on cleaning and tidying an area. I have many of those throughout the house. I have to match each area to the state of my mental and physical energy. Do you know what I mean? No? Well sometimes one spot is too hairy for me to deal with. So I move onto a different one. On a different day, I can come back to it.

Now the day is almost gone. I did have another cuppa. I got 2 rows of cross stitch on Jesus in. I’m ready to get back to the heart of this post which is contained in this video. I was excited by it this morning. I have always been passionate about sustainability. I am interested in living with as little as possible. I don’t mean in a self depriving way. I want to find meaning without ‘meaningless’ consumption. We each have our own idea of meaningful and meaningless. I’m not here to judge but to find my way.

Finding and knowing my passion gives me fuel on days when I’m feeling ‘why bother’. There are many moments in my daily life when I just want to sink into the couch/chair and while them away. I think it is part of our ‘natural’ inclinations. Then something gives us a spark. We get up and chase after it. It’s how I am anyways.

Today was warm but not an especially sunny day. I was feeling maudlin gathering up the lunch dishes. I thought of cancelling my daily without-Sheba walk. But then the sun came out. I feel myself perking up like a drooping flower. Well, I had to go for my walk. It’s time with my puppy girl though she’s not here. I was just leisurely strolling but it was still good for my heart.

Our greenhouse now has a real door with a latch. The raised beds are built. The soil brought in. Tomorrow I shall plant some onions and seed some greens. Snow is coming on Saturday. It shall be an interesting winter.

EVEN THOUGH

I’m sitting here, feeling blank, not knowing where to start. I wonder how I got here. Where do I begin? At the beginning, of course. But where is that? This morning I went to my exercise class even though I didn’t feel like it. There are so many things that I don’t feel like doing – like putting up a Christmas tree or any other ornaments. And I haven’t. The only thing I have is a poinsetta that was given to us. Oh yes, the cyclamen with its red blooms looks very festive, if I may say so. It was a fine model for a painting. It sat very still for me. Then there’s the neighbours across the street. Their picture window is strung with Christmas lights. I get to see and enjoy them. I am not lacking in Christmas cheer even though I’m a bit of a Mrs. Humbug.

Last night two images popped into my head as I laid in bed. It was the moments before sleep overtook me. The first image was when I was a child in China. It was New Year’s Eve. I was in bed. Downstairs my mother, grandmother and ‘aunties’ are making and cooking pastry. I could see them tending the fire, feeding in more straw and twigs. The second image was of when we were in Ghana. Again I was in bed in the loft of the lodge. The ocean waves are washing in and out. The lighthouse light flashing across the window opening. I am feeling safe, warm and content in all these places as I am drifting off to sleep.

Our present times are uncertain and difficult. So much confusion and violence. But when have they not been? It seem so much more now that we are in the energy age. Bad news travel at a blink of an eye and a snap of your fingers. I am easily influenced. I soak up the negative like a sponge. Even though sometimes I can’t help but feel hopeless and despondent, I still have a little spark in me. That little spark keeps me going like the Eveready battery. Despite myself and even though I’m a bit of a Scrooge, I’m like that Little Drummer Boy. I’ll keep playing my drum.